And I might as well share what I wrote here.

It’s a very complicated thing–there are many things that I get from playing. I get the intimate connection; I get the pleasure of giving someone an experience; I get to have my brain chemicals knocked back into whack. I am well aware that play can be casual or intimate, and yet… I still am not ok with my partner playing casually with anyone else. I have actually not done that much casual play over the years, depending on your definition of casual play I suppose. There is also a huge difference to me between bottoming and topping. I think I have only bottomed “casually” (by my definition) around ten times over the years. For me, casual bottoming is playing with someone that I do not have a close relationship with–even if that is just a friendship. Malixe, Boymeat (certainly the first time if not the second as well), Steve (one of the bigger mistakes of my play expereince), Matthew, there were two random scenes at PE before I had a clue, and the favor I did for Janus with that horrible old hag one year at pride. I am probably forgetting one or two random scenes… but I have been searching my brain and I really can’t come up with them. Other than that I have only played with good friends or my longer term partners. I have really viewed my play relationships with good friends to be part of deepening the connection I have with them anyway. That doesn’t feel casual to me–it may not be sexual, but it is anything but casual.

Then you get to topping. Ok, so I have done buttloads of casual topping. I have volunteered at events and I have topped people at con’s when I was asked politely. I am kind of weird about topping in general though. Even with Tom, even with my beloved Julia–I feel disconnected from topping. I am very much doing it to service the person I am playing with. Ok, so I get a kick out of making people scream, but I wouldn’t do it if the person had not asked me and if I didn’t want to give them what they want. I loved playing with Sarah because I knew that the catharsis was good for her. I liked watching her expressions and hearing her noises because they were things that were very much positive for her in that moment. But it isn’t as if I get off on topping. I just enjoy serving someone I love that way.

But truly non-casual playing, which has been a small percentage of my play experience, is amazing. For me it almost always involves some intense pain and the trust that goes with that. I don’t have to be hit, pain from bondage is more than adequate. But it is largely about submitting to someone else’s desire to have me experience something that I don’t really enjoy. To know that when I look up hoping for pity or mercy that they will stroke my face with love and tell me that they are so proud of what I am giving them and they are not going to stop. *shiver* It is a delicious feeling. It is feeling owned and loved and tested. The testing is so much of it and having them help me work through the difficult parts of being tested so that I can actually succeed for them. It is a give and take in the testing. It is having someone hold my hand as I prove to them and to myself that I am worthy of the test that they are putting me to. It is having them tell me that they knew I could do it–even as all along I doubted myself and my ability to do what they willed.

I will do almost anything for that connection. Tom and I only had that connection a few times through the years, but when it did work it was transcendent. Boymeat managed that the first time we played and almost managed the second time but Puppy interrupted out of insecurity and did not understand what was going on. I can’t hate him for it though. Katie (not the local one) managed that when she topped me. Dad has done it. Julia knows how to do it. Bridgett knows how to do it. (This would be why I have fought for the ability to still play with Dad, Boymeat, Julia, and Bridgett.) Puppy is almost there. I think with him there are bumps we still have to work out between us about our relationship and our mutual confidence in one another. But I have almost gotten there… And I know I will.