No. It wasn’t about the stupid Playboys.
So yesterday Puppy came home and told me that there were a few people he wants to invite to the housewarming. Wonderful. Great. He proceeds to list off a few ex’s. Including the psycho one that I threw down about a month ago. The one that I asked him to promise me that a) he would never be around her and guns again and b) she would never be in my home. So much for respecting my wishes.
I walked away immediately. I couldn’t react right away. I called a friend who told me over and over that I need to tell Puppy no. I’m grateful for the pep talk. It was hard telling Puppy no. Then he wanted me to justify my no. So I reminded him of the former promise. Oops. He forgot. He started lecturing me about how I am not giving her a chance and she is a very good person.
This is about when I went and started cutting. I couldn’t deal with it. I just shut down mentally. We have been down this path already. He is like a dog wearing at a bone. He can’t back off for anything. (I guess Puppy is so very appropriate of a name.)
I finished and came out and finished making dinner. I was comletely numb and shut down. He tried to touch me and I flinched. He got mad at me and stomped away. We sat down to eat and he started up again on how he can’t believe I am judging her before I meet her. She is a good person. He knows her. Yeah, she has done bad things–but everyone has and the good far outweighs the bad. I started saying, “stop.” Over and over and over. He didn’t. I felt the panic attack start. I started shaking. Stop changed to fine. I almost threw down my plate (bad. glass.) and I ran to the back room and sat against the door as I fought to breathe. As I fought to control the hysterical crying. I was on the verge of passing out from lack of air and he came to the door and continued his tirade. I honestly couldn’t understand him. I just absolutely lost it. He didn’t stop for several minutes. It was really awful. Eventually he stopped and left. It took a while for me to calm down and when I did I went into the guest room, grabbed Ted and Nighty-Night and passed out hard. Panic attacks make me fall asleep fast and hard. They are draining and exhausting.
This morning he tells me that he didn’t sleep because he was worried about me. He said he is just trying to defend his friend. I’m not attacking her. I’m not saying she is a bad or horrible person. I am just saying I don’t want her in my life. I am expressing a boundry. And he doesn’t respect it.
This morning I am actually missing Tom. There were bad nights with Tom, but he never escalated them. It was always entirely me doing the crazy shit. I really miss having stuff not escalate.
*hugs* I’m sorry, sweetie.
I’m working from home today, if you need or want company.
There are a few people who are not allowed in my home as well. *shrugs* It is part of being different people with different life experiences, but since this home belongs to both of you I think that you have a right of veto. You haven’t told him that he’s not allowed to see her, just that you don’t want her in your home and I think that is perfectly justified.
IMX, some doms/tops have trouble accepting boundaries. What you experienced may be viewed as a breech of trust of boundaries you thought were clear and he wanted to renegotiate. At a bad time. It seems unambiguous that this time he needs to accommodate you fully. It’s rather like negotiating who gets to play with whom here except on the purely socialising level.
Are you also saying he can’t see her socially alone? Sounds like he needs to keep his contact with her to that level.
Hugs
He can spend all his fucking free time with her if he wants to. I just don’t want to deal with her.
I’m sorry – that really sucks – Puppy’s being shitty. I wasn’t trying to be hurtful or oblivious – I was just trying to understand what had gone so horribly wrong. You had been pretty content and normal when I talked to you, and I was just trying to understand.
I’m not mad at you honey. I wish it were something as simple as just body image shit. *hugs* You had no way of knowing. I’m not upset with you at all.
Sometimes, the need to have the last word makes things worse. I tend to agree with blacksheep… your puppy was being a shit.
It’s one thing to be loyal to one’s friends. Forgetting a promise made, is somewhat understandable perhaps. But continuing to stay on the attack when you’d asked him to stop, and then stomping away when you flinched… that’s rather immature in my opinion, and not really acceptable.
*hugs*
One thing I’d like to point out. You just had a very insightful trip home to see where he has learned many of his behaviors/patterns/ways of interacting. If he is able to see these behaviors in other family members, it might be of use to put things in that context and help him see that when he does X thing he’s acting like Y person who bugs the shit out of him. It will require that he wants to upgrade his behaviors to a new and improved version of PuppyFam1.0.
Huge Kevin Hugs to you. I hope he realizes what he’s doing and how he needs to communicate with you better.
Do you let puppy know when you’re triggered?
Well, I think the hyperventilating and chanting “stop” would be hard to miss.
You’d think. But trust me, it’s different if he hear’s “stop, please, I’m triggering”. Of course, you’ll need to chat about that before hand some, he needs to have a clue what that means, but most people are willing to let just about anything drop at that point and pick it up later if there’s a trigger involved. And from the way you described it, that seems like a perfectly reasonable description of what you were experiencing.
There are a lot of messed up dynamics going on here. These things are not going to dissapear themselves. If you want to make this relationship work, I think checking out a couple’s therapist early on would be a great idea. Really.
bad puppy, sit in your crate
I admit I’m biased. I hope he understands that he needs to back off when you’re triggered.
It’s not that he doesn’t have the right to question or try to re-negotiate “psyco-chick’s” existance in your joint life – he just needs to know when it’s appropriate. Driving a point into someone who’s on the verge of … whatever, is NOT the time.
big, big hugs from me.