So his dad seems to like me. For the oh… hour he has been in my presence. He and Puppy spent the day in the RV working on a door apparently. *sigh*

I spent the day inside with his step-cousin who is maid of honor for the wedding happening this weekend. I don’t like her much. She is a total fucking hypocrite. And someone who starts telling me how I should behave and treat people when they met me oh… two hours before… rapidly hits my shit list. Bitch.

I read The Magician’s Nephew today. I still like it. I think the rest of the series is going to go really fast.

Oh!

I haven’t slept much and I feel awful. Answering the last question was hard because I feel guilty for just about everything I do.

Why can’t I just be happier about myself?

I know that there are some weird questions out there for me. I just wonder if people will actually ask them

Ask a question anonymously you wouldn’t necessarily ask in person, or wouldn’t want others to know you’re asking. I’ll answer it in another entry, and you’ll have your answer without having to admit you wanted to know it.

Remember to post anonymously! I’ve allowed anonymous posting and turned off IP address tracking for the time being. I’ve screened the comments.

Not a dirty one.

I will be starting a Spanish class at the end of the summer and it will last all fall. My goal is to take the language exam during the spring semester and never have to take the final fourth semester of college level Spanish. The only way I can do this is if I get a messload of practice speaking Spanish and my fluency increases at a pretty drastic rate. I have many friends who are/have been fluent and I am hoping that I can specifically schedule multiple times per week in which I need to speak Spanish in order to increase my vocabulary and confidence in speaking. In the past I have gotten to the point where within my somewhat limited vocabulary I could speak fairly rapidly and easily but I am nowhere near that at this point. I would strongly prefer getting out of taking the second class due to time and money constraints.

Help?

girl shit

and the editor of the local pervy newsletter asked me to contribute a few articles. I understand that they are basically always desperate for content. I tried to refine some of the stuff I have been thinking about lately. I haven’t edited this yet.

What does it mean to be "in the scene?"

I got to go to a munch yesterday and see cool people and meet new cool people. I got to go to a party last night and see many of my wonderful friends. I got beaten last night and have the marks to prove it. I had wonderful, yummy sex last night after being beaten. I got to be very admired in my corset last night.

Haaaaaaaaappy girl.

And I might as well share what I wrote here.
What I get from playing.

Puppy is amazed that within one day of me deciding that I want to see people I have:

Thursday with my niece and in the evening a movie with Puppy and his friends.
Friday we are going to FNW.
Saturday I am going to the munch and a pervy party that used to be my every second Saturday commitment for years.
Sunday potentially coffee in the morning with a girl that I need to get to know then a BBQ with AWESOME people that I like loads and loads.
Monday I am going to spend the day with Lizzie! *squeal* And then I am going to the Plough.
Tuesday I will be with my niece during the day and with Sarah at night.
Wednesday will be packing and flying to DC.

Yeah. I really don’t need to sit at home bored. I have too many good people in my life to be that silly.

So I had my nice long brood. >24 hours of brooding. I cried. I talked to people about what I was upset about. I was asked questions in very polite ways I was given advice I hadn’t asked for… I smiled and nodded and ignored all advice.

By the time Puppy got home I had cycled through all the nasty crap in my head enough times that it all came down to one point. Love isn’t easy. I think that people choose to remain in love. You can get all pissy and out of whack and choose to not stay in a relationship or you can choose to deal with some shit. I’m not real big on running away from something just cause it is hard.

So he came home and I was back to my normal cheery peppy self. He asked me if I could tell him what had been going on and I told him bits and pieces of it–the pieces that pertained to him. We talked about the disconnect that happens when he says something flippantly and I take it in and follow it down 50 different paths in my head, most of which say/mean very bad things about me that had little or nothing to do with what he said. He told me, “As soon as the words left my mouth I could hear the neurons in your brain firing and I would have given anything to take those words back.” I’m ok now with knowing he didn’t mean what I heard let alone all the implications I created.

We didn’t really talk about the other piece of what has been upsetting me until we went to bed. Then he yelled at me and more or less laid down the law. I think that problem is resolved. *cough* (I haven’t felt great about how significantly our sex life has decreased and he told me that part of the problem is that I am choosing to not put my diaphragm in and then I come to bed and curl up and go to sleep because I am assuming he isn’t interested. He told me that I will start putting my diaphragm in every night again. He isn’t going to put up with me being pissy about this anymore because, damnit he isn’t sick anymore.

Puppy doesn’t suck.

In the efforts to not replay a tired, old, horrible tape that was recorded during my relationship with Tom…

I am working on plans for Sunday but Saturday during the day is still free and if someone makes me a good offer my Saturday night isn’t firmly booked yet.

I am going to the Plough on Monday. Damnit. And cause I told you all you will mock me and tease me if I don’t and I hate that so I have incentive to go.

Tuesday! My last night before running off to the scariness that is DC and meeting Puppy’s whole damn clan. I would really like to spend time with friends. Is anyone available?

I have been missing people a lot lately. I got to spend part of Monday with friends and last night I spent a couple of hours in bed cuddling with a hawt girl and these two events reminded me that really I am not a boring recluse and I don’t in fact suck and people do in fact like me. May I have more proof please? 🙂 I will even try not to whine. It will be a stretch…. but I’m sure I can manage at least a few minutes of not being annoying. I’m game for most anything that doesn’t take much money. 🙂

You can always tell what I am upset. You know when I am not telling you the full story. Yup. Always.

Apparently except this morning when you haven’t a clue.

But not for me. My sister has asked me to play match maker and I told her I would see what I could do.

She would like a date for a 17 year old friend. He is gay and would happily go with a bi or gay boy. See, he would really like to go to the gay prom and has not been having good luck in finding anyone to escort. She says he is cute and a very nice boy. Unfortunately, I can’t really vouch for him myself. The dance will be in the San Jose area and someone in that area or with transportation is a significant plus. I would love to be able to find this boy a date. Does anyone know anyone?

Ok. I’ve been on the identity bandwagon for a while now, at least the idea of examining my identity. There is a big chunk of it that I haven’t been ready to think about, but… in the last few days it has been swimming in my brain more than usual.

BDSM. Yeah. For those who are in the scene, they understand that it can play a big part of your identity; for those who are not in the scene they may not understand the big deal.

But what is the big deal? I have spent very little time in and around the scene in the past year and a half. Ok, so I had that brief time when I was showing up more because Malcolm taunted me with the idea that he might be interested, but other than that I haven’t really been around. I stopped going when I stopped having a steady play partner. I realize that this is both logical and illogical. I was hurting and I wanted to step away from the part of my life that I associated with him, but how was I going to find more play partners if I didn’t hunt in the scene? So I avoided stuff for a while. I have been trying to sort out my feelings and what is actually important to me.

I still don’t know, but I have this lovely play partner now. But… our play is kind of odd to me. For one thing, he doesn’t play unless there is sex involved. It may be an odd thing for non-scene people to think about, but I really don’t associate sex and play that strongly. I can probably count on my fingers and toes how many times over the years that Tom and I played and had sex in the same space of time. It just didn’t happen much. But Puppy doesn’t play without fucking me while I am still tied up or as soon as he takes me down from beating me.

I’m also having a lot of trouble with the “training my top” thing. I feel like this pathetic wuss because I can’t just take what he wants to dish out. The fact is, I haven’t played with heavy pain much. I have really gotten off on it most of the times I have, but that wasn’t how Tom played. I am also not terribly into casual play so I haven’t actually played with that many people over the years. I really hate feeling like I am complaining about how Puppy plays with me. I just can’t take a heavy beating with no warm up though. Ok, so anyone “can” take it if they truly have no choice, but it won’t be fun and I won’t process it and it will be all around miserable for me. I really hate feeling demanding about it though. (In his defense he has Seriously Improved in the warm up department already. But we haven’t tried any sort of heavy scene in like two months.)

And I’m still not really involved in the scene again. Puppy doesn’t care that much about having a friends group that is perverted, he has a few friends but he doesn’t see them much and they aren’t the people he focuses his time or energy on, and I feel weird about going to scene events alone. I picked a group of dancers yesterday over pervs and I’m really happy with the decision. There is only so much time and it is hard to develop friendships with a super huge number of people. I will be working with the dancers pretty intensely later this year for two months and I don’t want to feel as lonely as I did last year. It seems more prudent to spend time now developing those relationships.

So I’m in this weird limbo feeling. I no longer feel like I really should identify as a pervert, and yet it is still such a big part of who I am. I feel like if I am no longer involved in the perv community I should ditch the label. In some ways it would make my life easier if I didn’t identify as a pervert. If I am only playing in my bedroom and I spend almost no time with other perverts it significantly lowers my risk of being outed. And yet… I don’t feel like I want to give it up. I don’t miss the exhibitionistic part of playing publicly, I miss the feeling of acceptance for me in all my freak glory. I feel like I am conforming to the popular idea of who and what I should be, and I don’t like it.

Not to mention that I have all these fetish clothes that are going to waste. Dude. Why did I invest so much money for nothing?! If another year goes by and I don’t touch anything I’m going to ebay it. 🙁