blacksheep_lj and japlady are both WRONG.

I just had to say it.

Ok, maybe they aren’t wrong per se… but they are not 100% correct on this one.

I went out today. I went to a friend’s party. It was the best thing I could have done. I got to talk to people and I was told that people missed me and I got back rubs and head pets and attention and affection.

I really needed that. Thank you sooooooooooooooo much to the people who were there and were so wonderful. I spent the morning crying and came home smiling and happy. I really appreciate my friends.

And Puppy is really happy that I’m not crying anymore.

There are a few poly people in this filter, but none of the people that proselytize and due to how many people have been making catty comments there is even a distinct lack of people who are involved with the proselytizers. AKA: please don’t discuss this filter with people unless you see them make a comment. Most of my ‘regular’ people aren’t on it.

Mono is sucking ass through a straw. After a good 8 1/2 hours of sleep (which is normally more than I can really pull off) I wake up feeling exhausted to the tips of my fingers. My whole body hurts with exhaustion. And Puppy is fine and off doing stuff so I feel even more pathetic because he is better and I am not. But that is only part of it.

Puppy is busy. That’s a fact of life. So that means I am once again back to doing things by myself. I think that was one of the only things I really got out of poly is that I really hate being alone and it is a fact of life in monogamy. He can’t be with me all the time and yeah yeah yeah it wouldn’t be healthy anyway. In the last month I have been to a couple of S&P’s and one birthday party for a friend and I went to one discussion group meeting. Ali came over in the midst of me wanting to die and I saw Mo for about 4 hours the other night. If anyone wants to think back to the schedule I have been keeping for the last year and some…. Yeah. I’m not doing much of anything. I’m at home, mostly alone. Mostly because I don’t want to go to events by myself. 🙁 There is a whole lot less point in going to events when you are not allowed to do much flirting when you are there. How do some of you handle this? Ali goes to stuff by herself, so does Erik. I feel shitty when I even think about it. Today I have two big options: a pool party in Santa Clara with pervy friends or a bbq/with pool up in Davis with dancers. The fact is, I will probably stay home and cry. Driving is a pretty significant effort right now. I feel pathetic for thinking that, let alone saying it, let alone having it be true. I don’t know most of the dancers that well and I know I will have a hard time keeping it together and not crying today. I don’t cry in front of people I don’t know well. I would like to know them better, but… yeah. It has felt like it isn’t that big of a deal to any of them to get to know me. With the exception of the ones who wanted to fuck me, not a single one of them have ever made any effort to come see me and I have gone up to Davis to see people. That hurts after a very short period of time. With the perv party, Tom will be there with his new girl. And I will be alone.

I feel like a not very nice person. I should be more understanding of the various conflicts that Puppy has in his life. We were moving, he was sick, he has to work. Unfortunately it doesn’t matter what the reasons are–I feel like shit. It comes down to me being alone again and I had enough of that with Tom to last a lifetime. The answer isn’t fucking poly. I don’t want poly. I just don’t know what to do. Regina, please don’t tell me I am being selfish again.

I feel so lost.

I felt like putting my hair up. So I did. There are four braids wrapped around and around coronet style. I even added decorations. It looks pretty good, even though it isn’t as perfectly even as I would like. No, I’m not a perfectionist! Damnit!

I even felt like putting makeup on. And I have on the really pretty earrings that Noah gave me. So I feel all spiffy and pretty… and nowhere to go. I ruled out the beach after I slept through most of the afternoon. I am still sooooooo tired.

Puppy is working and will be basically all night. la di da di da I looked at Peers, but it doesn’t sound interesting and I doubt I would be able to dance much anyway. There is a lovely play/sex party… but yeah… I don’t see a point in going to that alone. 🙂 I dinno what I shall do. la di da di da… more reading and intermittent cleaning I suppose.

I have had several thoughts bubbling around in my brain for the last few days and I was of course composing lj entries in my head, but where are they now? Who knows.

One thing I need to bring up is how very happy I am. I tend to not write as much when I am happy. I have talked to a few friends lately who ask me how I am doing and I enthusiastically screech, “GREAT!” and then I backtrack and tell them about the mono and the class from hell and they ask me what is so great. I am in love with the most fabulous boy I can imagine and he is uberaware of my Princessness and he treats me as such. I am very content with my life. We have had conversations about the marriage and kids thing and I laid my timeline on the table and told him what I want and he didn’t even hesitate. An emphatic yes and agreement that he wants the same things and the timeline looks spiffy. How very odd, yet delightful. (My timeline includes giving us time to be together for a few years before we do anything more permanent–I am nothing if not cynical.)

My house is a mess, but oh freakin well. I will either clean it this weekend or go down to the beach. I haven’t decided yet. 🙂

The class from hell is over, but I learned some very important things and ultimately I am glad I took the class. (Mainstreaming the disabled child.) I learned the difference between full inclusion and mainstreaming (full inclusion is putting kids who are not mentally capable of doing the work in a regular classroom for socialization and mainstreaming is putting kids who have serious physical disabilities in a regular classroom and giving them modifications to allow them to do the work on their own: i.e. an interpretor for a deaf child, or a special seating arrangement for a child in a wheelchair, etc) and I went through a simulation that allowed me to feel a very small, minute, insignificant amount of frustration that is similar to a child with disabilities. I was so frustrated I almost started crying, and that was after one hour of struggling. I think I will be far more kind to my students in the future. I’m always grateful when I see concretely the ways in which I have my head up my ass.

I said I was tired of people lecturing me and I wanted people to only speak for themselves if I hurt their feelings. JesusFuckingChristOnAPogoStick did I get it in spades this week. Oy. I carpooled with a chick and she is needy and insecure and whiny and every day at lunch we had a long chat about the ways in which I was hurting her feelings by things I had said. But yet she continued following me around like a fucking puppy. I don’t understand sometimes. We always talked about it and I explained to her why I said the things I said and we discussed her extreme oversensitivity (her words not mine) and how she can stop assuming that people are constantly trying to put her down and hurt her. She wanted to know how poly works and she wanted to know about libertarianism and… I feel like she is much younger than me despite the fact that she is about 13 years older. There wasn’t a single thing that she could tell me about and I was teaching her things constantly. It was pretty weird at times and I have trouble with that sort of dynamic when the person is much older than me. But holy shit did I get practice with dealing with hurting someone’s feelings and having to work on rewording things so that my message didn’t get lost in the delivery. I suppose that is good. She invited herself to my housewarming. *sigh* I’m actually somewhat proud of myself because she told me that she cheated on her husband and I didn’t respond with my kneejerk scumbag response and I actually talked to her about why and what she wants to do now and stuff. I’m glad that I am growing up enough to not just get pissy with people immidiately about the topic.

Growing up. Yeah, that is one of those things I’ve been thinking about lately. I don’t feel terribly grown up–in fact I feel like I am in some strange regression. I feel incredibly vulnerable and attention needy and I’m not sure how to handle it. This week I was being social with friends and when I started feeling particularly attention needy I walked over to two friends and climbed in their laps and all but said, “Pay attention to me now!!!!” I felt kind of like a lame ass, but they both seemed perfectly happy to stroke my head and talk to me. I appreciated it more than I can express. I am so glad that I have such wonderful friends. I am so grateful for the people in my life. I have a lovely friend who has been defendin my monogamous relationship lately. I find it funnier than hell that I have a defender and even funnier that I need one. I am somewhat bewildered by how many people are talking behind my back about how they believe I am compromising and I won’t really be happy in a monogamous relationship. Frankly, I think that is people showing that they haven’t really known me long. Everyone who has been in my life for many years (and I am talking about firmly entrenched poly people who are very adamant about their lifestyle) think that monogamy is where I am happiest. But everyone has their bias.

I am actually starting to look forward to meeting Puppy’s parents. I hav been talking with his parents on the phone and it is going very well. Apparently I have already won his mother over more than his ex wife ever did. Apparently she is a whole lot like me and appreciates strong, blunt women. This just makes me think, “Oedipus.” *cringe* His father is a whole lot like him and we have hilarious conversations. I am no longer terrified and I appreciate the lack of stress. 🙂

Physically I am feeling better. I am still tired all the time though. I am even managing to nap. Go me! My body is hurting less. I am feeling somewhat pent up and bored, and that is hard to deal with but I am trying to be patient with myself. My friend Mo came over last night and that was awesome. I haven’t seen her in a while and talking with her was wonderful. I really love and respect her and I am reminded of that afresh every so often. Good stuff.

I should stop babbling. But that is kind of the state of the me. 🙂

Romance novel covers mocked. I own like 5 of these books. Two of them I have read within the last week.

http://worldoflongmire.com/features/romance_novels/

http://worldoflongmire.com/features/romance_novels/readers_covers.htm

http://worldoflongmire.com/features/romance_novels/readers_naughty_covers.htm