I realized that only having 39 pictures out of 100 was a waste. So I added a bunch of pictures. At this time I would like to solicit those of you who like to take pictures. If you can get any good ones of me… feel free. 😉
I just got a phone call from someone I have not been friends with for nearly a year. This person has very strong (alternative) religious beliefs and has offered up himself as a stand-in for me in a major ritual to help deal with some of my karmic/astral issues. I asked him more than once why he wants to do this for me and he said simply because opportunities to do this kind of healing do not come up very often and he feels compassion for my suffering. As difficult as it is for me to accept at face value help from him I told him that I would be honored to have him do work for me.
He is one of those people that I conflict with significantly and yet… there is some sort of odd connection anyway. I recognize the power in what he is trying to do and I have been astounded at the things he understands about me. I don’t know entirely how to feel about the ritual that will commense in about 45 minutes. Although, frankly, if anything can help me deal with the poison that works against me sometimes in life I am grateful.
Strange as it may sound to people who do not share similar spiritual beliefs, I think there is some sort of karmic involvment/debt between he and I and I still don’t know how things will work out in the long-run. Despite rather serious run-ins/anger/hostility… there is something there. I just don’t know what yet.
I wonder how radically my life is going to be affected, for I do believe in the power of these sorts of rituals.
“Every day I have a choice. I can be pretty, or I can be funny. I decided to go back to bed.”
This truly explains my boyfriend.
I will now proceed to shriek and jump up and down in excitement like a little girl.
I was just sent an email saying that Milpitas Middle School is happy to take me as a teacher. YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYy
This means: driving only 50 miles/day instead of 85. That is a Big Difference. I am ecstatic. Ok, so it is middle school, but that’s ok. I can handle kidlets instead of almost fully grown people. It will mean a few modifications in my mindset, but I’m capable. (Middle schoolers need a whole lot more reminding and hand-holding than high school kids do. They also need a great deal more generic support as their bodies are going through hell. They also often are much less mature than you might think based on the fact that they are adult sized. In middle school No Racy comments. I will also have to signficantly bring down my expectations about their ability to analyze because most middle schoolers simply do not understand symbolism yet; their brains just aren’t there yet.)
But I am really really happy. This means driving 175 miles less per week. That is a jump of such magnitude that I sent my advisor an email with a P.S. saying that my car thanks her as well.
*happy dance*
www.cowboytroy.com
The video for “If you don’t wanna love me” makes me cry like crazy.
For some reason Semagic will no longer run. Everytime I load it I see an error message and then it disappears. I tried uninstalling and reinstalling.
Help?
I walked her to the plane in Phoenix,
I said: “Say hello to your mama.”
She couldn’t even look me in the eye.
I drove out to the desert,
Just like nothing happened,
But somewhere in the darkness,
I heard her say good bye.
Now I hear voices in the wind,
Sayin’ she ain’t coming back to me.
I look for guidance in the sky,
But the stars have all gone out tonight.
I feel like the love of my life is dying.
Even the man in the moon is crying.
I’m burning up this blacktop,
Headin’ down to Austin.
I wonder if she misses me tonight.
I wish that I could tell her,
How much I love her.
And I wish this damned ol’ Thunderbird could fly.
Now I hear voices in the wind,
Sayin’ she ain’t coming back to me.
I look for guidance in the sky,
But the stars have all gone out tonight.
I feel like the love of my life is dying.
Even the man in the moon is crying.
Now I hear voices in the wind,
Sayin’ she ain’t coming back to me.
I look for guidance in the sky,
But the stars have all gone out tonight.
I feel like the love of my life is dying.
Even the man in the moon is crying.
Even the man in the moon is crying.
Even the man in the moon is crying.
Even the man in the moon is crying.
-Mark Collie
I woke up this morning and checked my email and promptly became a ranting, raving bitch. Well, I finally got my teaching assignment. It is fourty fucking miles from my house. I ranted and was pissy and nasty for a while. Puppy and I went through a debate about whether I should move to SJ and he should move back up to Berkeley basically for the year. This kind of snapped me out of my nastiness. We decided that would suck more than driving and we want to continue living together. I uhhh don’t get to be all nasty about the 9,000 or so miles I am going to put on my car in the next 5 months… I told him that if he thinks he might want to break up with me he better do it now before I go through that or he is going to end up in the hospital because I will beat him so badly he won’t wake up for a week.
Last night I was thanked for driving a friend around on errands yesterday. I literally stopped and blinked. It wouldn’t have occurred to me not to do it. What an interesting thought. I wonder how other people’s brains work. (The thank you was very sweet in any case.)
Still no word on financial aid. However, I think that one is going to work itself out eventually and be ok. I am going to take both loans and let one of them sit in my savings account due to my paranoia about my car dying in the next year. Puppy is much more worried about money than I am. I’m actually kind of worried about his stress level above my own. Money doesn’t get to me the way it seems to get to him.
The MA class this semester turns out to be specifically themes in Californian literature as oppossed to American literature overall. Hrm. Uhm, ok. This class is going to be rather difficult and I am always paranoid when I have one term paper that is 40% of my grade. Can we say, “Don’t fuck up.” It’ll be ok though. I am going to get through this with flying colors, damnit. I want to get an A in this class. Just because I want to have another one on my transcript. 🙂
I think my house is going to be messy for the next few months and I could not care less! 🙂 I am actually all of a sudden *so* grateful that I have already made the decision to not do Dickens. The commute and long hours there on top of my already driving sooooo much and working like crazy would be too much. But now I am really happy that I don’t feel like I am making the decision out of last-minute duress. I really like having things be settled already.
I got another good massage last night. Two in two weeks! My life doesn’t suck. 🙂
I have decided that despite the fact that today did not start off on a great foot, I am going to be in a good mood. I have sang the Bumblebee song to myself three times already and I’m still giggling. Now, I am going to make cookies! I’m going to make sooooo many cookies today. I need to have cookies for sarahh and brian1789 so that they can feel the love as they are on their way to Spain. It isn’t easy going far away from your loved ones for a long time. And cause I’m going to make lots of cookies for them I want to bring some to karenbynight and princeofwands too cause they have been including me in their lives more and more and they make me feel very good about myself. Besides, maybe if I bribe them with good enough cookies they will delay moving away from me by another week or so. *sniff* And and and and… the more I think about making cookies, the more people I think need some cookies. I think the cookie fairy needs to visit a large number of households in the next few days… This means I need to get off my ass!
I woke up this morning and thought about my upcoming birthday. I have absolutely no plans and I doubt I am going to make any. I thought about the last five birthdays and how I have spent them primarily with Tom and with Anna. And I cried. Where did my life go? I miss them both so much and it feels like neither of them love me at all anymore and it hurts so much.
I will probably spend my birthday hiding in my house with it as dark as I can make it and crying and mourning the fact that the life I thought I was building died. Puppy will go shooting. Apparently the Puppy is more perceptive and caring than I first gave him credit for. Yay Puppy.
Sometimes something happens. It doesn’t have to be an important something, just random bickering. But it tells you a lot about who a person is and it tells you a lot about who a community is. Today I think I figured out that I don’t belong in a community. The social values of that community are not ones that I respect or can live by and that means I should walk away instead of dealing with continual upset and difficulty.
It’s sad really. I don’t think it will be that hard though. There are some good people in that community. There are probably three or four people that I will continue to include in my life, but I will simply not be part of that overall dynamic.
I’m worth more than that.
Yes, that’s me.
So! Who’s going to that stupid Odyssey Folsom Fringe thing. The psycho girl is going to be there and Puppy expects that she will want to hang out.
A boy who broke my heart in high school is doing something cool. http://www.sealiecomputing.com/retrozone/ is his business. He is adapting old-style game consoles to USB. It’s kinda nifty and I know gamer freaks…
Ok. I sucked it up and brought up a terrifying subject. I should get some major freakin brownie points for this.
I told him that my instinct is to just say, “Avoid this crazy bitch like the plague.” We agreed that it was not quite reasonable though. We talked for a while about some of the things that upset me and how to deal with them and he explained that between his work/school and her work/school they are unlikely to spend much together anyway. I told him that was not good enough because that is ambiguous and no real solution. He asked me “What restrictions do you want me to have.” AHHH I don’t want that responsibility first of all. I told him that I don’t want any surprises. With the caveat that if she decides to call and say, “I’m on campus, want to have coffee?” that it would be ok and he doesn’t have to call me first or anything. Stuff involving violence or extended visits I would like him to let me know about, but they are well within his rights. We talked about various shooting schtuff. We went through the laundry list of things that can happen to help me feel ok with her being in the same place as a loaded gun with him. But mostly I told him that the idea of him going shooting with her freaks me out in every way that something can freak me out. He is entitled to do whatever he wants–he is a grown up and I don’t get to decide for him. However, I’m going to be fucking upset if he decides to do it. I could view this as manipulative, or I could say that I was being completely honest. I choose to believe I was being honest. I want to make the prospect of him shooting with her unattractive because the results will be unattractive. I said that I would be uncomfortable with them spending a bunch of time in our apartment alone together. I also said that if we have another party and if japlady and angelbob and blacksheep_lj will be there then she has to come. Cause then I can sit on/behind my friends and not worry about her presense. 🙂
This was a calm, rational conversation. I actually gave in on several points (I’m not detailing everything cause it would take a while) and he told me that ensuring that I am comfortable and happy is a very high priority. Ok. We are getting better at this communication and compromise stuff. Near as I can tell (I can’t actually speak for him, but it seems to me) both of us are happy with the resolution. YAY!
Go to http://www.musicOutfitters.com
In the Search box, enter the year you graduated high school. The first item returned should be the 100 songs from that year. Cut and paste them into your journal.
Bold those you like.
Strike those you loathe.
Italicise those you don’t know.
Underline your favourite.
Add comments after them if you feel like it.
Going through this is funny. I must have been hiding under a rock. I hardly know any of them.
Continue reading
Why is it that I can’t handle disliking someone? I am beating myself up like crazy today over this issue with Puppy’s ex. I’m looking at the situation like crazy trying to figure out how I might be wrong. Maybe she is nicer/better/whatever than I am giving her credit for. Maybe I am just flat wrong. Puppy likes her, why don’t I? I think I want to turn her over to japlady so that I can have validation for my feelings. I hate feeling this way. I hate feeling like my dislike of her is insufficient.
I do this with people on a regular basis. I hate feeling this way about anyone. I can’t give myself permission to dislike anyone. I think it eats me up inside to feel dislike. It is as if I feel it makes me a bad person to not like someone. I still feel bad for disliking my father. I kind of think that I treat my feelings as if there is only a certain amount of room inside me for feeling at all. If I waste that space on dislike, then it is a bigger chunk of me that is unavailable for liking someone else. But I don’t seem to be able to not dislike some people.
I hate rejecting anyone on any level. It’s a boundary issue and I don’t know how to fix it.
I have agonized over this quite a bit, but I slashed my friends list significantly. School is starting and I’m going to be working. I simply can’t keep up and I can’t handle not doing the reading. I’m overly compulsive that way.
I wish everyone well and I hope I can check in from time to time. I just can’t keep up for now.
Ok, I had a margarita yesterday and impulsively decided to do something. I invited the psycho-ex over. Some of you may start going through your mental rolodex now and think…”But… I thought she didn’t have a psycho ex…” You would be so right. I have entirely reasonable, wonderful ex-boyfriends. Puppy has a psycho ex-girlfriend though. And he wanted me to meet her and I am stupid, so I gave in.
I don’t like her. I don’t like her in any way. She is competitive about everything. If she has done something one time she is better than anyone else who has ever done it. I had my friend Mo over as a buffer, and that was a really smart idea. This bitch had the presumption to sit there and lecture Mo on what working theatre is like. For those of you who don’t know Mo (your life is much less amusing, I’m sorry) she has been a working actor for 30 years. Most of that time in theatre. So this stupid little bitch has been doing theatre for two years and wants to lecture Mo? My jaw literally hit my chest. The conversation morphed and I made a comment about loving amazon.com’s used section because I save messloads of money. She then lectured me on why she believes it is better to support local booksellers because real people are behind them. Look bitch, the people on amazon are real people who need to eat as well. And if I had a rich mommy and daddy footing the bill maybe I could afford to be more fucking liberal with my money as well. Mo and I started talking about Andrew (ok the conversation started because we were discussing porn and I brought up “Lusty Lesbians”) and I showed her the books that he gave me before he moved. Two very very very nice books. One is a copy of Milton printed in 1832 and the other is a book on religious discourse in Italian printed in the mid 18th century. I don’t remember the year and I have to stop and think about roman numerals too hard. This prompted this bitch to go off on how she has an extensive collection of old religious books in numerous languages. I think if she hadn’t had a nasty tone of voice I would have felt she was trying to identify with me, but she wasn’t. She was trying to top me and I just don’t play those games. I was just talking about how great Andrew was, not how great I am for having two books. Whoopie. The objects aren’t important in and of themselves and I am not going to play games about who is better for having them.
I want to get this bitch in a room with japlady so bad I can taste it. I even told Puppy that I really want those two to be in a room together. Yeah… it will be funnier than hell. About 15 minutes into the conversation my thought was japlady is going to hate her. I am sick enough that this made my smile go from ear to ear.
She lectured me about Disney. Ok. Stop and think about this one. I am a major Disney-phile who has done more research than a sane person should on the history of the movies and somewhat about the company. AND I did my best to do my focus on children’s literature. Ok bitch, tell me again about how Disney changed the stories? I’m too stupid to understand and I need small words as you tell me this surprising fact. I think this section of the conversation alone would have made me hate her. Do Not talk down to me on one of my pet topics. Just don’t. It is a fast way of earning my emnity.
And those games that japlady predicted? In spades and of course Puppy didn’t notice. Lots of female game playing shit possessive references to him and his family and friends. She has seen him recently and he told me she already asked those questions, but uhm… they had to be said in front of me to indicate that she has some sort of insider knowledge? I don’t give a shit. He looked at something on the computer and then closed the browser. The desktop picture is one of he and I and the rest of his family when we were white water rafting in North Carolina last month. Her eyes narrowed and she asked about the picture in a really nasty tone of voice. I started blinking and felt flat shocked. Dude. At least try to hide your nastiness. I kind of felt like she declared war and I didn’t have to be nice anymore.
And she is very young. We got into a debate on word origin of the word cohort and Puppy pulled out his Latin dictionary. She started thumbing around idly and started doing the Beavis and Butthead laugh when she found the word “coitus.” I couldn’t help myself. I said, “Wow. I feel like I am sitting in a high school classroom.” She didn’t like that at all and was really pissy. She brought it up and was nasty about it four more times before she left.
I feel no need to become friends with this petty, obnoxious, little girl. I gave it a shot. I’m done. And yes, I think she is potentially dangerous. That kind of fierce competition with no filter on her impulsive behavior is dangerous. I don’t think it matters what I think. Puppy is going to do whatever he wants.
Today is PMS day. Today is, “I will rip your fucking head off if I don’t like the look on your face day.” Just saying. I was thinking about sOakland, but given how fucking nasty I am being… not a good plan.
Therapy was good. Yesterday was good in general. There is something on my mind that is freaking me out, but there is nothing to do about it but face it.
la la la
I hate the whole fucking world…. la la lala I hate my body la la la la. I HURTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT. No la la la. Mother fucking uterus.
Ok, maybe I don’t hate you. Maybe.
In talking to a friend about negative self-talk and doubt and stuff:
He is going to practice showing me how to deal with it…
C E: “C says – T** rawks!”
C E: “K feels bad because if T** rawks then she must not”
C E: xxx wrong.
C E: Round 2.
C E: “C says – T** rawks!”
C E: “K asks herself, ‘do I rawk?'”
C E: “k answers, “of course you do, silly girl”
C E: K thinks, “alright! I rawk!”
C E: K smiles and nods at C.
C E: How’s that look?
C E: Or…
C E: C says – t** rawks!
C E: K asks herself, do I rawk?
C E: K answers, I think so, but I’m not sure.
C E: K asks C – do I rawk too?
C E: C says, of course you do!
C E: K smiles and bounces “alright! I rawk!
For some reason I feel comfortable enough with you to put you into the filter where I talk about my shit. This is not an opt-in filter. However, please feel free to opt-out if whatever I’m talking about makes you uncomfortable. I won’t be upset at all.
Some of the main points I want to bring up as the biggest stuff that is on my plate at this point in time:
Anxiety in general. When I get upset about things I shut down and don’t seem to be able to make any progress on my own. How can I better recognize anxiety and not get locked into bad patterns?
Anger management. If something/anything at all sets me off I am completely unreasonable and I can’t calm down. I get violent very easily and I lash out constantly. This isn’t ok. I want to figure out how to stop lashing out and feeling inappropriate anger. It isn’t that I want to stop getting/feeling angry. I just want to do it in a way that isn’t psycho and out-of-line.
Hearing negative when none is intended. This is a major problem in any/all relationships for me. I constantly feel criticized and looked down on even when people are not being anything but positive. A subset of this is my major abandonment fears. I always think that people are formulating an “out” plan for getting out of having to deal with me. How do I stop hearing negative tapes attached to any/every thing that people say?
Inferiority complex. I think that pretty much everyone in my life is better than me intellectually/social class wise/spirituality/whatever. If someone has/does anything better than me I think they are a “better person” than me and then I translate that into feeling totally worthless generally. This is totally the suck because I consciously surround myself with highly talented and brilliant people because those are who I admire and relate to. So I set myself up for feeling bad a lot of the time just in who I like. It’s pretty stupid. Especially considering that these same people almost constantly tell me how much they in turn admire me. It’s part of only hearing negative.
I think these are the basics….
Edit for reframing of goals.
I want to feel secure that people are telling me the truth when they say they love me and are going to stay. (In the sense that they are being honest in their intentions. Life happens.)
I want to feel confident that I am equal to my friends.
I want to hear and believe the positives that people say to me. I want to be able to internalize the affection that people are giving to me.
Others to come….