This was not actually asked anonymously, so I am tailoring the answer. However, there are chunks of the answer that apply to many people so I’m putting the answer basically publicly.

I know that you & I didn’t really get along for a few years. To be honest, I’m not sure what the reason was at the beginning….but I know I did contribute to stirring the pot over time.

Anyways….I’ve been curious for months now….what made you decide to treat me as a friend?

First off, people often attribute my behavior to me not liking them. No really, I am much more self-centered than that. I am moody and a pain in the ass and that filters into most of my interactions and it often leads people to thinking that I dislike them when I don’t.

Secondly, I am not consistent in how I get to know people. I tend to make snap judgments but I will sometimes change my mind over time. It is rare that I will dislike someone strongly and get over that; it does happen though. Look at Miss Jenny. I hated her guts for the first year I knew her and eventually we got past that. As I get older I am trying to be more reserved with people early on until I build enough of a knowledge base of someone to draw conclusions. Unfortunately I am still impulsive. Most of the time what I do is I take a look at the veneer of a person and think it is pretty nifty and then I get to know them better and I lose respect. There are a lot of things that I am judgmental about; there are also many things that I am tolerant of that other people aren’t.

I notice that many of my relationships (the best ones anyway) go through a lot of growing pains. I’m a shit and prickly and hard to get along with. If I am dealing with someone else who also has a strong personality *cough* then there are often clashes for quite a while. Eventually I notice, “Hey! This person may not be the easiest person to get along with 100% of the time, but they are consistent (a huge thing for me) and honest (another huge thing) and forthright (alright, we have a winner) so I guess I better get the stick out of my ass about being irritable and recognize that they have some of the biggest positives that I respect.”

I will also be perfectly honest and say that there are many people out there that I may like and respect and think fairly highly of, but I will never be close friends with. I am getting better at recognizing that I may think someone is really an amazing person, but they have some personaility quirk that means I really shouldn’t spend much time with them or I will get really sick of them really fast. Frankly, complaining about the same problem(s) for years is one of them. You may be great in every other way, but if I am judgmental about something you do often then it is best that I keep you at arms length. That wasy we preserve the level of friendly behavior that is optimal.

In this specific case though what happened is that she is a woman of strong personality and probably there was something early on that set me off. I am pretty bad about holding grudges if I get a negative impression. Over the course of the nearly five years I have known her I have seen that she does conduct herself in a consistent and respectable way. I have noticed that despite my first impression in some areas, she holds many of the same values that I do in specific ways that matter to me. So I did my best at pulling the stick out of my ass. I guess she noticed. 🙂