Last night I had a new experience. I tried something I have never tried before though I have wanted to.

I don’t need to repeat this experience. Once was enough. There was good and bad bits to it. I felt scared quite often in ways that were very overwhelming for me. I decided to go for a walk and about 12 minutes in (Puppy timing) I *freaked* and literally ran home. I spent the rest of the night inside cause I needed to feel safe. There were parts of seeing patterns and the physicality that were very cool. I spent a little time doing mirror gazing while I sat in the bathroom for a while cause I couldn’t remember how to go to the bathroom. I knew from my reading that this could be a bad idea. Instead of seeing anything bad, I saw myself as more beautiful than I have ever seen myself before. This was pretty intense. It carried over into today. When I looked in the mirror this morning I still saw myself as absolutely beautiful. This was awesome. Yay me! 🙂

Last night for a lot of time I was crying. I just couldn’t stop. I didn’t know why I was crying. I wasn’t actually sad. I didn’t know what I was.

Puppy took care of me and it was a good thing. I couldn’t do much of anything and I needed him so desperately. I am really grateful to him.

Kissing was *amazing*. But yeah, don’t need to do it again.