It is 7am and my thought is: why isn’t today over yet? I have to teach a rather intensive lesson on grammar with my juniors. (They are going to be thrilled to learn about verb types.) At least the seniors are no effort today. (Thank god for movie days.)
I have trouble going more than a few minutes without crying. Puppy said last night that I know this has to end because he and I both want to get married and have kids and it wouldn’t work for us to do together. Not long after that he initiated sex and through the whole event I was sitting there thinking, “You are already looking forward to doing this with someone else.”
I have my ticket to fantasy land. Let’s see if I can actually get on the train.
I made him cry at dinner. I told him very quietly, after he thanked me for bringing him to the restaurant, “I told you that I wanted to bring you to places like this. Now I have to hurry or I won’t get the chance to.” Tears appeared and he had trouble holding it together. This is so hard. On one hand I want to find a way to make him see that I really am worth the effort, but on the other hand I want to just walk away because if he doesn’t want me I deserve more.
This fucking hurts.
The next book I am teaching is called Man’s Search for Meaning and it is a philosophy book speculating on what is the purpose of life and such. The person who wrote it was a psychiatrist who practiced before and after surviving Auschwitz. The first question he asks his depressive patients is: why don’t you commit suicide? After spending quite a while talking about this book with my master teacher on Friday this question has been in the back of my mind all weekend. I can’t come up with a good answer though. (This does not mean I am suicidal.) But… why don’t I? I don’t know. I just don’t. Because people have told me not to? It’s not even that people that I love, who love me, have told me not to. Just people. I do as I am told. It doesn’t matter who tells me. I kind of shared this thought process with Puppy because it came up and now he is freaked out and worried. He has spent a bunch of time telling me how upset he would be if I did. Uhm… so what? I won’t be affected by that so why should I let that upset direct whether or not I do something? He really didn’t like that response. heh
Disclaimer: No. I am not contemplating suicide. I am, however, not seeing much of a point to me or to my life. There is a vast gulf between that and killing myself so I better not start getting fucking phone calls trying to talk me down. If I suspect that is the motivation for a phone call I will hang up on you.
I have never committed suicide because I know that overall I enjoy my life, even the sad and difficult bits. I do think about it. Less these days than in the past, but even now periodically.
One day back in the early ’90’s, I was taking a shower after reading some NLP books and I had a suicidal thought. It shocked me. Not because I had one, but because it was so familiar. And I realized at that time for the first time what suicidal ideation meant. At the time, I hadn’t had a suicidal thought in over 3 years and that was startling. I’d been living with them for so long prior to that that I didn’t even realize that’s what they were or that other people didn’t have them. I had to look through my friends at the time several times before I found someone I could even tell about it.
Overall, though, I really do enjoy my life. I hate some minutes of it, of course, but I need the downs too. Without them, the middles would seem like downs and my life would be much flatter. The downs combined with ups provide contrast which accentuate the highs and help me appreciate them more. And as a general rule, I enjoy my passion. I enjoy feeling. And I want to do more of it – usually.
So my path has been to learn to minimize the downs. To notice them, to experience them, to process them as quickly as I can manage so that I don’t have to live there.
*hug*
I ascribe fully to the rollercoaster model of life, but sometimes I forget. Thank you for reminding me.
because if you did who would give me shit?
Wouldn’t be my problem.
If you were suicidal, knowing he’d be upset could be a motive for it anyway. I’m glad you’re not.
When I was in a similar space, I couldn’t answer that question either. I chalked it up to early religious indoctrination against suicide that just stuck long past the religion. But I think really it’s because I knew from past experiences (although none of them had been as bad, thank the gods) that there was a really high probability I’d get through to another state of being eventually, one that wouldn’t suck so very badly. It’s been true every time so far. That doesn’t mean I haven’t spent multiple sucky years getting over someone/something, and it certainly doesn’t mean I am baggage-free from those times, but I think I figured it was worth staying alive for the sake of feeling something else again one day. It was a pretty doubtful sort of hope, but it was there, and I guess it was enough. Of course, this was during the time period when, although I wouldn’t take my own life, I would have thanked anyone else who did, just for ending the pain.
I’m so sorry you’re hurting so badly. I don’t know what chance there is that Puppy will change his mind. It sounds like you believe there is some, at least a small one. I do think that if you ever become certain there is none, moving out (if at all possible) might be a priority. Hell truly is living with someone who’s said “I’ll go this far, and no further” when one’s own heart has already gone the whole distance.
I really don’t know what is actually going on right now. In looking at why he thinks he can’t handle being in a relationship… they aren’t real reasons and several of them just aren’t true. So we are talking still. I don’t think I am totally dumped yet, but we aren’t certain yet where we are going.
“why don’t you commit suicide? …this question has been in the back of my mind all weekend. I can’t come up with a good answer though… why don’t I? I don’t know… I am not seeing much of a point to me or to my life.”
You may never know. Then again, if your depression level is high enough, it’s not much of an issue. Apathy can be too large a force to large to move against 😉
So. Reasons why not to commit suicide.
1. You are correct. There may not be a point to you or your life. Conversely then, what’s the point in ending either? I mean, if there’s no point to life, how can there be a point to death?
2. Additionally, what will you gain from death (besides a nifty wooden box or urn)? Sure, yeah, you leave all of us behind and upset, but, as you pointed out, you probably won’t be affected by it anyway; that’s a non-gain. So, essentially, back to square one, because expending a lot of energy for little/no gain is silly. You can get a cool box or urn in many other ways, like at estate sales.
3. It’s messy and cold. This may not be as distasteful to you, but I don’t recall your loving the cold. And it leaves some pretty icky stuff for someone else to clean up. I gotta have sympathy for the poor person who has to scrub the pavement because someone jumped off something high. That’s got to be a not-fun job.
4. This is more an argument for life. It’s little things that, selfishly, help me go on and find new meanings to existence – fresh tomatoes, finding a penny on the street (not because it’s a penny, but because I found it), the sun on my face, tasty hot tea, playing kingdomofloathing.com late at night when I really should be asleep, sitting in front of a pile of burning wood and staring at the flame, cuddling with the stinky doggie, the way my mouth feels after I’ve just brushed, looking up at the moon and stars and putting things in a cosmological perspective, the childlike joy in secret discoveries, the way a good night smells, and the ways I can blend into the background to be anonymous. Sometimes, all it takes for me to remember is to follow the path of an ant. More often, I don’t realize when I need to stop and make myself look at the little things again.
5. Sex. Sex, good food, hot showers, and a warm bed. Screw the eternal salvation and sainthood, I want hot running water and creme brulee, and the afterlife doesn’t have either!
So really, in my view, there’s no point to life but what you choose to have it be, which is both a daunting and a freeing choice, and one that you get to make over and over and over.
*hugs* You say good things honey.
(hugs) I’ve had my moments recently, too. Not to take away anything from you, but to say that I get it, too. Sometimes it’s hard to remember why life is worth living. Making a list of all the little tiny things that bring you a spot of joy or happiness can help sometimes. It seems to be helping me a bit, anyway. Little things, like creme brulee. As said above, better enjoy that here, since there’s no guarantee you’ll get it later. :^)
Well, you know that suicide is mainly what I deal with 52 hours out of the week.
Given my experience with my line of profession, I think the only answer anyone can give to that is that, unless they are so terrified of death and/or dying that they can’t go through with a suicide attempt, they still have hope. Hope for what, …. well, that is up to the individual. It might be such a tiny slice of hope that it barely registers or seems worth it, but it is there.
You are right and I am still thinking about it. I didn’t call you because you deal with suicide 52 hours a week…
Shouldn’t surprise you…
that this is my solid reason for never letting suicidal thoughts enter my head.
Killing myself = “they” win.
I won’t let that happen. Living well and in a manner that is of my choosing is the best revenge. You are plucky enough that I doubt that you will ever let “them” guide you either.
No purpose in your life right now? You have plenty. You have your students. You have your friends that love and care about you. Even when you are being “difficult” you are still serving a purpose in our lives by making it more lively. Besides, your darker moods always help me self evaluate.
Also, you are not a true sheep In my opinion that is integral to fighting the good fight and demonstrating to the generations that come after us that they don’t have to conform to the dominant paradigm. Growing old to be a kooky old lady is a very noble goal in life.
Keep up the good work hon. (hug)
Re: Shouldn’t surprise you…
I’m glad I lead you to self evaluate
“No. I am not contemplating suicide. I am, however, not seeing much of a point to me or to my life.”
Point? You have friends who dearly and deeply care about you. Lots of them. Lots and lots of them. 😀
I’ve been quiet because I don’t know what to say or what you really want to hear or whether your questions are rhetorical or how you’ll respond.
I don’t think you’re “too broken” and I think that to suggest that you are in any way broken beyond repair implies a hopelessness and lack of control over your own being that is patently false. I think we all have our damage and express it in different ways, and I think it is ultimately up to us to determine whether those are positive expressions or not and whether we’re willing to change them.
I think you can be very challenging and we’ve talked about this. I think you have been taking steps to try to work on those things that are under your power, and that demonstrates a great deal of personal maturity. I think Puppy *could* choose to learn to work with you differently than he does, and that it would require a great deal of personal maturity on his part.
I think any relationship requires balance. Both parties give to each other and need from each other. I think you are right when you say you have tried very hard to give to him what he needs. I think he has given less. I think you are capable of huge and kind and self-less giving. I think sometimes you are also capable of taking more (and asking for more) than you realize. This can be hard. I can empathize with the sense of overwhelmedness he might feel. However, I think there’s room for growth still, and on both your behalfs. But it will take a great deal of self-reflection on both your parts.
I don’t mean to be hurtful. I feel that I should risk telling you what I think. If it is helpful, which I mean it to be, I am glad. You are capable of so much kindness and love. I know that. I hope that you will continue on the path you have been pursuing in your personal stability – you have not been in a happy place lately and you need to find the source of that unhappiness. I miss the happy version of you.
This isn’t hurtful. It is mostly stuff that I recognize already. I think that no matter what I will always give more than my partner because if it startes to become balanced I find a way to give more. It is part of who I am. I will also probably also take more. I am very much a person of extremes.
I’m trying to figure out how to get through the things that are hurting me, but I don’t know how yet.
*hugs* You are doing good. You are nothing if not remarkable at every turn.
As cliche as it sounds, it’s about one foot in front of the other. And when you loose your footing and you don’t think you can get up again, you crawl.
At least that is how it felt to me when I was still living with S and she was having her affair .. pitting M against me and playing – “prove who loves me more”…
I was not sleeping. I was not eating. I got down to 90 pounds.
And some days it felt like I had eaten handfulls of broken glass as I walked through the world. So much so, that I could taste the blood in the back of my throat. And some days it just felt like my mind had snapped and that I might never get it back.
And so all I could do was concentrate on my breathing and do what had to be done next, trying to have faith that the pain would not last forever. It didn’t. It doesn’t. I picked myself up and found a way to move on, even if it was in fits and starts. You will too.