The train to fantasy land that is.  The last few days have been a roller coaster ride that I really want to get off.  I am mixing my metaphors!  Can I just leave the amusement park instead?  Ok.  To get into reality…

I don’t know what is happening.  We are talking and talking and trying to figure out what is good and what is bad about our relationship, whether it is actually a good fit for us.  In the past few days we both wrote our concerns about the relationship and the pieces that make us happy.  This morning we talked for a few hours about the whole situation.

We aren’t broken up and I am not moving.  Does that mean that we will actually end up together?  I don’t know.  It is really hard to know what the “best” decision is.  I love him.  He loves me.  There are things that we have in common and there are things that are difficult, but that is always true.  I am not willing to walk away from what we have.

In the first rush of thinking it was over I talked to a lot of people about it.  I heard some interesting things that people had not been willing to tell me up to then about their opinions about the relationship.  I sat there and agreed because I was so angry and some of them are still true.

I have compromised for this relationship in ways that would be complete dealbreakers for many of my friends.  I stopped being poly, I am not playing with other people, and I don’t spend much time at sex parties anymore.  I don’t actually think I miss any of these things though.  I am not sad about not having sex or playing with anyone else.  Puppy stressed repeatedly that if I wanted to play with anyone at Folsom I just had to let him know–I even had people ask.  I didn’t want to.  I wasn’t even super thrilled with playing in public.  We did so briefly on Friday night and I skipped the experience on Saturday because I felt very icki about it.

The past five years or so have been remarkable for me.  I have been through so many changes.  It is interesting now to look back at the “growing up” process and I wonder what is going to happen in the next five years.  Hopefully the rate of change slows down some cause this has been dizzy making.  I’ve been aware for a while that there are things that I want that necessitate giving up things that have been big parts of my life.  I think I am at a place where those choices need to start happening.

I have had a number of people ask me out in the past week.  People that have been in my life and people who are somewhat new to me and I find it remarkable that they all popped out of the woodwork just now.  It gave me the ability to take note of the fact that I am incredibly unlikely to be lonely, even if things don’t work out with Puppy.  I don’t care.  I want him and I want only him.  I’m scared and nervous and struggling to find my path.  I hope things get easier sometime soon.

Once again: thanks Chris.  Your words are in my brain and I am working on processing them.