So I’m still not sure what I think about my therapist. Though she talked more this time than she did last time.
Something that is driving me crazy is feeling like I don’t know where I belong. I come from white trash, there is no nicer way of putting that. I come from people who consider a high school diploma to be a nearly unreachable lifetime goal. People who are still living in large houses with too many people per bedroom because they can’t afford to live independently. Though more are independent now than ever before. I’m not like them. I’m just not. Through whatever accident of fate, I managed to change my destiny.
But now what?
I don’t know where I fit. I don’t know where I belong in life. I am about to financially qualify as middle class, but let me tell you–I will never really be. My life expectations are colored by the pessimism of my class. Even saying that makes me feel bad, but it is bloody true. If you have not grown up truly poor (and few on my friends-list have) then you just don’t know what I am talking about. If you did grow up poor, dude–you know. If you are poor you assume that things will always suck no matter what so you don’t bother trying to change your life. And when you do try to change your life you deal with the attitude from the people who won’t try. IT SUCKS.
So I don’t know where I fit. Or even where I want to fit.
And then there is this boy whom I love to distraction. I don’t know why I love him so much, I just do. It would make my life easier if I could just stop.
You want to talk to my dad? Only member of his family to graduate the equivelent of HS in his family, grew up initially in a little TINY room (I’ve seen it) that he shared with his 2 brothers and sister…..the place had 2 rooms it was the rooms above their shop… his parents started out with a push cart…
Now granted, these be Jews which means no matter how poor the cultural pressure to be educated is huge, rather like being chinese
poor – yup. but it does stop sucking eventually
Yeah, I do know what it’s like. My folks living hand to mouth, not knowing if/when we had to move (cause we couldn’t afford rent).
I remember my mom selling my dad’s car to pay for his headstone. I remember 2nd hand clothes & shoes (which I love now, but hated then).
I remember having to work full-time to be able to afford college. I remember my family saying “you don’t really need school” cause I had an ‘office’ job (I did data entry & filed). And the “you don’t have to go to college” is still happening with my nieces & nephews.
I remember loaning my sister the $$ so she could get heat & hot water to her trailer (pipes froze/broke). She’s still paying me back. $5 here, $20 there.
Maybe that’s why I enjoy being a drone (a decently paid drone, middle class drone, mind you.)
But you know what? I changed, and so did the way I saw things. I stopped settling and stopped caring about the stigma.
And my family… they’re still there, getting by or better (lower middle class) they still drink Coors, and it’s common to hear Monster-Truck rally, Spanish soap operas or Lucha-Libre in the background
Because I don’t let them bring me down, they’re not as pessimistic. Took some time, but it does cease to suck at some point
hugs