Everyone who talks to me immidiately says, “What is going on?” My most common answer is, “I don’t know.” Thus: I haven’t been posting much.
Right now we have reached the conclusion that we don’t really want to break up but we are terrified that this relationship won’t work out long term. So we are taking a step back to “dating” (whatever the fuck that means). I am moving to San Jose and he is moving into his lab because he can’t really afford rent. The plan will be for him to spend weekends with me. The purpose of this insanity one might ask? Commuting is killing both of us and we are so tired at nights that we aren’t exactly getting any “quality” time during the week anyway. He spends enough time commuting instead of working that he goes into work at least one day during the weekend and I don’t see him anyway. This means that our evenings/weekends in the next few weeks are going to be spent packing. SUCK!
Yeah, he dumped me. He dumped me hard and I freaked out. I am still not exactly happy. What happened is that he dumped me and we spent last Saturday apart as I freaked out and cried on the shoulders of some friends. I called some other friends later and several of them asked me questions that actually made me think. When he got home from work I asked him if he really meant to break up with me or was he just kind of freaking out and it got said and he didn’t really mean it. His reply was that he is scared and he isn’t sure if he means it or not. So we are talking and talking and talking. What is he afraid of?
He is afraid: that I am unstable enough that I need a truckload of emotional support that he can’t give me (We are having ongoing conversations about the concept of ‘boundaries’ and how no one can/should ever be all of my support and it is ok for him to say that he needs more space than I am automatically giving him), that I will never get along with his family and his family is very important to him (while complaining about how I don’t get along with his siblings–the same siblings who IM me every day because they like me and want to talk to me), that we don’t have enough in common (we have more in common than anyone else I have dated and I think we pretty much always have fun–ok, I don’t shoot), that a couple of places where we clash will be insurmountable eventually (though he concedes that these have in fact become significantly less as we have adjusted to one another), that he needs a partner who handles crisis very well because he freezes (I want to tell him to go talk to Noah about the accident), that I have a martyr complex (I totally do, but I have been actively working on it for a while)… Those are the main things. Maybe I am over-rationalizing but I think these things are all part of growing pains and not deal breakers. I don’t know if I am just being idiotic and looking at the relationship through rose colored glasses or what.
He wants to know why I want to be with him at all. He seems to be terrified that I will decide that I deserve better and leave him. AHHH. He seems to be doing a premeditative dumping because that is better than me leaving him and I am not thrilled.
So we are following the advice of a friend. We are removing a lot of the external pressure from our lives in general (crappy commutes and not enough time spent on work stuff) and seeing if we really are interested enough in this relationship to make it work despite the inconvenience of living ~60 miles apart. We are also going to try and find a therapist. Any recommendations? Pretty much anywhere between Hayward and San Jose is good for me and I am going to make him drive further than me. HA! I am absolutely terrifed and we are talking about that. He and Rebecca are both right though. Removing pressure and working through issues will decide if this relationship has a future a whole lot better than me buring my head in the sand and destroying my back will. Commuting is killing me and my car. 🙁
My life is going to be changing a lot. I don’t even know how yet. I’m really really nervous and scared. If this works out then our relationship probably will go the distance. If this doesn’t then it probably wasn’t meant to at all. I’m scared to find out which it will be.