Today I am going to be looking at an apartment complex that I am interested in. First I am looking at the studio, then the one bedroom. If I like either I may just sign the lease today.

Therapy yesterday was good and very hard. I spent a while crying. Puppy thought that was a reflection of the therapist picking on me. She asked me to think about ways I can let Puppy console me and it led to me crying a lot because I don’t know if I can let him console me. I realized how much my trust in him is damaged. That was so hard. And it isn’t because of things that have happened often or things that he realized were such a big deal. He won’t defend or protect me, ever. Those things matter to me. I am starting to realize that those things might just be the most important thing and he didn’t do it. We have opened a dialogue about it. It’s very scary. After the session I felt wrung out and seriously depressed. I tried calling a couple of friends to see if they wanted to have dinner but they weren’t available. 🙁 After a couple of hours I rallied and was in a better mood than I have been in a while. This is some seriously hard stuff and if we can figure it out we have a much higher chance of making it period. People are still telling me to DTMFA (dump the mother fucker already for those of you who do not read Savage Love) and asking me why I want to stay with him. I still don’t have a coherent answer. I want him because I love him so much I ache and feel empty when he is away from me. I want him because he makes me smile and laugh and he is happy to play with me. It is kind of weird. I am always playful with people I date, but I normally do it from the cover of being “little.” He is pretty freaked out by me being little, so I have to play as an adult. It’s a different kind of mindset.

Still scared. Still insecure. Maybe feeling a little better though.