Monthly Archives: January 2006

*smooch* *whisper*

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Ok, so I’m only going to tell some strange little snippets and not give any actual incriminating details.

I am deeply grateful for the people in my life who tolerate that I run hot/cold. Thank you for allowing me to come and go in your lives and continuing to love me even though I am a serious pain in the ass.

I am learning how to go to a party and find play. It is still very hard and very scary, but I am getting better at actualizing what I want.

I miss spending time with my female friends in the bdsm/sex positive communities and I am going to look at my schedule in the next month and make sure that for every two dates I have with boys I have at least one date with a friend so that my life isn’t just about getting laid. I think that is part of why I burnt out so hard a year ago and was ok with running away. Friendships last longer than lovers do usually. I need to go back to my friendships. 🙂

There are some very cool people who have shown up in the scene in the last couple of years and I need to check my assumptions at the door when it comes to talking to them.

I need to have at least one completely vanilla/non-sexual event at least every two weeks. The scene is great, but burn out sucks.

My therapist has recommended that I put some sort of boundaries up around waiting to have sex with people. We discussed the fact that I tend to either think of someone as potentially “serious” and not sleep with them for a while or I think of them more or less as a trick and they don’t last very long (usually three months is around the limit). I don’t know why I do this, but it is how things work out. She asks if I have ever broken this paradigm. Certainly I have not slept with people ever/not had a relationship work out even when I have waited a while but fsvo serious I have not had relationships go on for a long time if I sleep with them immidiately. It kind of seems like starting to deliberately not sleep with people in the first couple of dates would be a good idea. Not sure about this one though.

I have met some remarkably interesting people lately. I am certainly going to enjoy getting to know people more. Yay for flirtations.

In therapy we also discussed that she doesn’t think my behavior is manic at all. She says I’m happy. It’s kind of an odd thought. People who are happy feel this good? This is just “happiness”? Wow. I guess I have always been rather depressed then…

ooooooh!

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Movie review!

Go. See. Hoodwinked.

It’s a “kid” movie but it has some of the best one liners I have ever heard. I really loved the premise and the entire movie in general.

Really good, I promise. 🙂

Every day I have a choice

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I can be cheerful or I can be bitchy!

So. Life has smacked me down a few times recently. Do I sit around and mope and be pissy? Hell no! Instead I think about all the wonderful good things in my life. I have sooooo much good happening. Good people, good circumstances, and I would like to think a good attitude. Yeah, the lovely flirting happening doesn’t hurt. Yeah yeah, I’m not going to spend the rest of my life alone being pitiful with lots of cats. 🙂 Yay.

Oh, and my super power is that I get to decide who is and is not hot. Not a bad super power I say.

My lesson planning is pretty much done through the end of this unit. 🙂 I’m a good teacher! I am looking forward to the two classes I have been to so far. Both sound like a lot of fun and not too terribly much work. 🙂 I may turn out to be not a hideous student! Although, California lit is still hanging over my head. I should have dropped the class last semester…. Oh well. I will somehow come up with a paper soon.

Oooooooooooh!!!!!!!!!!!! I found HAWT geeky librarian type glasses today. I’m excited!

I should stop babbling now. Did I mention that I had a drink tonight when I got home from class. I’m *smashed* and no one here to take advantage of me. So sad. 🙂

Casual.

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I am such a virgo. I like to categorize things. I like fitting people into neat little packages. It’s my thing. Well, sort of. I don’t want to put them into a box as to who they are as a person, but I like to see how they relate to me pretty clearly. As I am currently in the process of starting to date again (what in the hell am I thinking?!) I am getting to revisit a lot of my views on what I want and what I am looking for.

I think there is basically a spectrum for how to date. It goes from people who would like to only have one relationship in their entire life and will turn down dates with people who are very likely to not be suitable. These people are very conservative especially in who they will have sex with and won’t give it up until marriage. Then there are those of us who are more into the shotgun approach. We shoot off a load and figure it will hit something. People in this camp can be looking for the “one” or looking for any number of partners who fit in some way or another. I’m more towards the end of looking for a particular person. My wants are so complicated and multi-faceted though.

This leads me to all sorts of thoughts about what “casual” means. Many of the people I am thinking about/starting to date are poly. This is true for several reasons, not the least of which is: that is my main hunting pool. The public sex-positive community is not exactly a breeding ground for monogamous types. And I’m skirting that fuzzy edge of monogamy/poly anyway. So I’m getting involved with people in some fashion or another and I’m trying to set up my expectations and theirs in a fair and reasonable manner. However, I will NOT give anyone “the speech”. My ex’s famous line: “I am looking for the one; the one I will settle down with and have kids with and you will never be it.” I am not that big of a bitch. It is a fuzzy and difficult line to walk though.

I’m not sure where the line of “casual” begins and end. Is kissing casual? Is fondling? Is getting spanked? Is tying someone up? Is fucking? Is anal sex? What about blow jobs? What about golden showers? Submission? What about calling someone Daddy? Where is the line? I want all of these things in my life. I don’t know how “casual” I want to be about any of them but I also don’t know how serious I want to be about them.

Long ago I asked the question: can a girl have more than one Daddy? I think that with where I am right now, what matters is that I am mommy and daddy and little girl all to myself. If I choose to call someone else by any of those names it is just an extension of my loving and taking care of myself in those ways. That means that someone can be my Daddy for a night or a week and have that be all that it is. There can be more than one Daddy in my life because ultimately they are just operating as part of what I need and what I am doing for myself.

Where am I? I am to a place where I am hunting for more knowledge about myself. I am hunting for more ways to pleasure myself and figure out what I need. I am an exhibitionist and this hunt for myself involves other people. I don’t know if/when it will include someone who will be my One. I probably am not ready for that jump yet. I think that for me, the need to be “single” is not about staying home or not having sex. I think it is about knowing that I have to be the one taking care of myself and not asking anyone else for those accomodations.

Channeling Bridgett

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There are times and places and spaces where you connect with someone. You don’t have to understand why. Who knows if the connection will actually last. Yet in that time and place it is important. Whether that time and place is on-linefor five minutes or ten years and multi-citied.

I have to accept the lessons that come to me. But I don’t know if I am strong enough.

{my shit} I hate being honest with myself.

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If I’m honest with myself…

”

What Are the Symptoms of Bipolar Disorder?

Bipolar disorder causes dramatic mood swings—from overly “high” and/or
irritable to sad and hopeless, and then back again, often with periods of normal
mood in between. Severe changes in energy and behavior go along with these
changes in mood. The periods of highs and lows are called episodes of
mania and depression.

Signs and symptoms of mania (or a manic episode) include:

  • Increased energy, activity, and restlessness Yup.
  • Excessively “high,” overly good, euphoric mood Yup
  • Extreme irritability
  • Racing thoughts and talking very fast, jumping from one idea to another
  • Distractibility, can’t concentrate well Yup
  • Little sleep needed Yup
  • Unrealistic beliefs in one’s abilities and powers Yup
  • Poor judgment Yup
  • Spending sprees Not really, but god I want to.
  • A lasting period of behavior that is different from usual
  • Increased sexual drive Fucking yes.
  • Abuse of drugs, particularly cocaine, alcohol, and sleeping medications If I want to fall asleep at a semi-reasonable hour then I take sleeping pills. I haven’t been drinking much on purpose though. No cocaine.
  • Provocative, intrusive, or aggressive behavior Yup
  • Denial that anything is wrong

I don’t know if anything is wrong that I could potentially be denying.

A manic episode is diagnosed if elevated mood occurs with three or more of
the other symptoms most of the day, nearly every day, for 1 week or longer. If
the mood is irritable, four additional symptoms must be present.

”

I’m having a lot of trouble concentrating at work. I know my increased sexual activity is not entirely healthy. I don’t know what healthy is though.

I want to stop fucking up and I’m not sure how to.

Personal growth quoteable

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Today I was walking past some students who were still making out right after the bell rang to signal the end of break. The conversation went like this:
“Make out time is over, get to class.”
“Bitch” (this was kind of muttered as I was walking away.)
I turned around and said: “I am not a bitch. I am a very nice person,” and then I kept walking.

I like that my instinctive response to being called a bitch is no longer shame. 🙂

{my shit} Lessons learned

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“This ones for the girls about 25.
Living in a little apartment just trying to get by.
Living on dreams and spaghetti o’s
Wondering where their life is gonna go.”

When this song came out several years ago I was living with Tom and I felt like I had skipped this stage of life. It’s interesting that I have gotten back here. I had some thought not too long ago that living with Tom was arguably me living with a parental figure. I feel like I have to grow up now and figure stuff out for myself.

I saw him the other night. He was not very polite, let alone friendly. So much for “Let’s be friends.” I was very hurt by his behavior, but there is not much I can do about it. There is no point in mourning him anymore.

I feel like I am working on figuring me out and that is good. I recently asked what is the point of being single and I got some good/interesting answers. I do think that I am vascilating between an odd sort of baseline and relationship behavior. Although I am not entirely sure why I change so much between feeling single and being in relationships.

Lessons to take with me into my life: for some reason when I get into a relationship I start to feel guilty about the things I do when I am single, i.e. casual sex and sex parties. I don’t know that any of my major relationship partners have wanted me to feel this way, it is just something I do to myself. I need to examine this more. I seem to have some preconceived notions that in order to ‘deserve’ a significant relationship I ought to be a “good girl” and for whatever societal brainwashing reason I don’t actually think I am one. So I try to stifle many of the things that constitute me. This is weird though because I really don’t feel like I am poly. Or maybe it is that I am not polyamorous specifically in that having several relationships doesn’t seem to work for me and I resent the shit out of the time they take away from me when I want to be with someone. I just like going to parties and sleeping with people sometimes. I don’t know how to find a partner who would be ok with the level of not-really poly that I want. Hell, I don’t know how to find a partner with a high sex drive period. *sigh* I’m really tired of feeling guilty for having a high sex drive.

I don’t necessarily need public play, I’m not really that attached to it really, but I do want to be part of the scene in some way. I like having friends whom I can share that part of myself with. I like not always feeling like a freak in the circus just because I am kinky. I like the scene more for the friendships than for the hunting and I would like to find someone who feels similarly.

I think one of the hardest things that I still haven’t really managed to internalize is that I need to be more ok with being alone as I do things. I really suck at this. I do have fun when I go places alone, but if I have a partner I will sit at home rather than go out and that creates a variety of problems. I need to stop immersing myself into relationships. I need to maintain separate time and hobbies and friends. I really suck at this though. I’m working on it though.

Sluttery

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I seem to be feeling better lately about play and sex cause I am sure as hell jumping back on the horse. Within the past 8 days I have:

Had sex with two people for a total of ~6 go rounds. (One night it is kind of fuzzy just how many times…)
Bottomed once.
Topped twice.
The median length of time I have known these people has been 2.175 years. 🙂

My ass is many many colors. I have a bruise bigger than my fist. That has got to be the best spanking I have ever received. He spanked me for over an hour. It was fucking awesome. Just spanking! Hard, rhythmic, yummy…

I’m pretty happy about the fact that I am playing with people that I have known for a long time and that I feel comfortable with. I think if I were jumping into playing with new-to-me people it would be harder and scarier.

And why the fuck am I not going to NY now. God damnit!

To-do

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Cause I’m just sitting here and I need to get motivated. In no particular order (and lots of this can’t happen today):

Get a groino appt.
Get an optometrist appt.
vaccuum
clean my bathroom
do dishes
finish grading
do laundry
figure out what to bring to the party tonight
Done, but still to do… continue flirting with George
go to Costco
go to grocery store
put stuff up on freecycle
eat ice cream
read book for late paper
do more research on the difference between being white trash and being poor.
call Noah

Did I mention that I reorganized my kitchen yesterday cause I am a spaz? I’m much happier with it now. 🙂

Good times.

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How do you convince a party host to let you use his overhead points when he has never met you before and isn’t sure it is a good idea?

“Hi! I’m **** and I teach bondage and suspension classes.” Oh. Ok, let me get a ladder…

It was awesome. I topped; I flirted; I think I found some interest in getting back into the scene…

Although, why are all the boys emo? Freakin A.

🙂 *bounce* I didn’t get home till 4 cause I had one of those “oh shit I need to pull over and sleep for a while before I cause an accident” drive homes. It was scary, but then I slept and it was ok.