“This ones for the girls about 25.
Living in a little apartment just trying to get by.
Living on dreams and spaghetti o’s
Wondering where their life is gonna go.”
When this song came out several years ago I was living with Tom and I felt like I had skipped this stage of life. It’s interesting that I have gotten back here. I had some thought not too long ago that living with Tom was arguably me living with a parental figure. I feel like I have to grow up now and figure stuff out for myself.
I saw him the other night. He was not very polite, let alone friendly. So much for “Let’s be friends.” I was very hurt by his behavior, but there is not much I can do about it. There is no point in mourning him anymore.
I feel like I am working on figuring me out and that is good. I recently asked what is the point of being single and I got some good/interesting answers. I do think that I am vascilating between an odd sort of baseline and relationship behavior. Although I am not entirely sure why I change so much between feeling single and being in relationships.
Lessons to take with me into my life: for some reason when I get into a relationship I start to feel guilty about the things I do when I am single, i.e. casual sex and sex parties. I don’t know that any of my major relationship partners have wanted me to feel this way, it is just something I do to myself. I need to examine this more. I seem to have some preconceived notions that in order to ‘deserve’ a significant relationship I ought to be a “good girl” and for whatever societal brainwashing reason I don’t actually think I am one. So I try to stifle many of the things that constitute me. This is weird though because I really don’t feel like I am poly. Or maybe it is that I am not polyamorous specifically in that having several relationships doesn’t seem to work for me and I resent the shit out of the time they take away from me when I want to be with someone. I just like going to parties and sleeping with people sometimes. I don’t know how to find a partner who would be ok with the level of not-really poly that I want. Hell, I don’t know how to find a partner with a high sex drive period. *sigh* I’m really tired of feeling guilty for having a high sex drive.
I don’t necessarily need public play, I’m not really that attached to it really, but I do want to be part of the scene in some way. I like having friends whom I can share that part of myself with. I like not always feeling like a freak in the circus just because I am kinky. I like the scene more for the friendships than for the hunting and I would like to find someone who feels similarly.
I think one of the hardest things that I still haven’t really managed to internalize is that I need to be more ok with being alone as I do things. I really suck at this. I do have fun when I go places alone, but if I have a partner I will sit at home rather than go out and that creates a variety of problems. I need to stop immersing myself into relationships. I need to maintain separate time and hobbies and friends. I really suck at this though. I’m working on it though.
Doesn’t seem like it would be too hard. I mean, what you are after is a relationship that is Okay with swinging instead of active poly behavior.
I totally understand the freak thing, through and through. People (geberally, but not always, those individuals not part of the kink scene)always seem to think they are alright and down with the kink… and then they talk to me and get all freaked out because I like needle play, or getting tied up, or playing with power dynamics. Then they say things that try to make me feel inferior them because, I don’t know why. I could guess why, but I’m too sick right now to care. My fever is going down, though (yay).
Anyway, I need good pervs around me who are down with the kink.
Holy shit. I’m a swinger. It is true. It has never even entered into my mind as a possibility, but that is what I am describing… Oh my god. I feel even dirtier.
Thank you! 🙂
YOu dirty swinger you!
*giggle*
This hits on something that we discussed Sunday morning. I’m not sure you got the gist of D’s “monotheistic” comment. In your life, there will be the One True Relationship. It’s just how you are. You may dally here and there, but you will worship only the One 😉 (This fits in with the swinger comment a bit, I think.)
The other thing I have to add here is that you should be looking for someone who fits into your life, just as you are looking to fit into someone else’s. It seems, in retrospect, that you ended up having to sacrifice too much of yourself just to be in past relationships.
Now I get the monotheistic bit. It’s true. I am looking for the One.
The problem is finding someone who fits into my life who isn’t already there…
Keeping time/activities/networks apart from a significant relationship is a tough one. I’ve been struggling with that one for many years. In addition to having a tendency to dive into the relationship, my SO tends to become friends with my friends, etc. It’s pretty easy to lose a batch of friends during a breakup this way. And that’s when I really need my friends the most.
Poly is a framework I use for keeping myself balanced in that way. It’s a thing I can do, that I enjoy, which leads to and interweaves with friendships, and also virtually requires me to pursue it outside of any particular significant relationship. That’s one of the key ways in which poly works in my favor for me.