Monthly Archives: March 2006

Impulsive questions..

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From the community…

1. How impulsive are you?

Incredibly. I am insanely impulsive.

2. What is the most impulsive thing you’ve ever done?

I have a couple of things… it’s hard to determine what is the “most” impulsive. Going to Australia with teamnoir when I didn’t really know him was impulsive. When I dropped out of high school. Recovering from that was significant. Saying yes when my best friend asks me if I want to try again and see if we can figure out a relationship that will include marriage and kids and M/s. That is… impulsive. But good. Maybe it isn’t impulsive because I have been thinking about it for a long long time–I just didn’t think I would have this chance.

3. What is the most unimpulsive (i.e., deliberative) thing you’ve ever done?

Going to school has been a big thing. I jones on planning though. Just for the hell of it. I planned my Europe trip down to the smallest detail.

4. How easy do you usually find it to make decisions about what you want to do?

Fairly easy. I know what I want and what I need. Once in a while I have trouble following through on it because I feel guilty about how I will affect other people.

5. What was the last impulse that you had? Did you act on it? Why or why not?
My last impulse was to jump back into the deep end of a relationship with Noah. It’s scary for a variety of reasons. The biggest drawback in doing this has been the hurt caused to the woman he has been involved with for most of the last year. I haven’t wanted to ask him to be involved with me again because I know how selfish it is to ask him to leave her for me. So I didn’t ask. But I wanted it and he knew I wanted it. Eventually it has reached a point where he made the decision to leave her. She is hurting now and I feel enormous guilt because my happiness is dancing on the grave of her relationship. I didn’t want this. I don’t get to pick how everything is going to work in life though. I believe strongly enough that he and I can figure it out that I am willing to give this a full shot though. So much has changed in the last year and a half for both he and I. What didn’t work then has changed drastically. I’ve always loved him. We want the same things. We get along so well.

So I did it. I said yes when he asked me to give him another chance. He said yes to my silent begging that I don’t have to lose the best person in the world for me.

I wondered why he was being so discouraging about the idea of me potentially moving out of state…

I don’t wanna

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I don’t wanna go home. I don’t wanna not see my friends up here for a long time. I don’t wanna miss the connection I have with some truly amazing women. I don’t wanna go a while without having bruises so big I can’t cover them with my hands. I don’t wanna go another couple of years without getting to really delve into the depths of my mind. I don’t wanna lose me and I had me this weekend.

I don’t know if I am going to be coherent or not, but I have another hour until my flight and I want to babble and no one is required to read this so I can babble all I want. 😛
Portland

Greed

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I have spent probably four out of the last eight hours fucking. Apparently I am not so high and mighty about the whole “younger guy” thing. He is pretty freakin amazing in bed and in order to get me into bed he has already seriously impressed me as a person. *sigh* Too bad Portland is so far away. Somehow I have a suspicion that my 2 times a year visiting may become 3 or 4. 🙂 He’s really really hot…

But uhhh… when I checked email and saw one from Google boy asking me about what it is that I am going to tell him about the weekend and he wants to hear about it if it will make me horny… yeah. I want to fuck again. Even though I am sore and tired from lots of hot sex.

Insatiable. That’s what I am. I LOVE MY LIFE.

Teaser

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I want to get laid. A LOT. Being beaten turns me on. In the past two nights I have been punched lightly and heavily. I have been caned. I had a sjambok (spel?) used on me. I was tied up in a very D/s sort of head space. I have gotten to talk to old friends. I tied up a hot (YOUNGER!!!!!) guy who had the audacity to tease me about being an older woman while he was hanging. Dumb ass. 😉 I have missed the world of heavy play. I have bruises on my shoulders, back, thighs, and ass.

You know… I think Kinkfest was a good choice. 🙂 I can’t imagine being happier doing anything else this weekend.

Haven’t been suspended though. Bummer.

I hate the CAHSEE

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I am wasting my time enforcing rules I don’t agree with anyway. I am tired of kids telling me off and calling me names. I just want to go home and I can’t because I have to stay. Today I am very unhappy. I have so much stuff to get done and I am wasting my time yelling at assholes.

I feel like shit. I really want to leave.

Choices

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In order to do what I have to do, I sometimes am not capable of doing all that I would like to do. And further: even some of what I have to do I am going to let slide for another time. I have the lesson for tomorrow done. Jesus it took hours. Tomorrow will be yet more review and games. *sigh* They are not going to be doing the test while I am gone. They aren’t ready. Instead–back to back writers workshop. It will be a break for them and easy for my sub. I’m ok with that. Then when we come back we need to finish up grammar. Woof. I am the only teacher in my department who can rattle of what a participle or a gerund is and gosh-darn-it… my students will be able to do so as well. They are SO CLOSE.

Lesson planning vague basic outline:
Wednesday- final presentation and go over the homework (ha) exercises and start working on diagraming sentences. They will get the basics of the concept tomorrow.
Thursday- play games and diagram some more. Show them how the different parts of speech really work together.
Friday- WW
Monday- WW
Wednesday- come back to YET MORE DIAGRAMMING. Oy. They will need this much practice. It’s sad. I need to find some more games for them. Any tips?
Thursday- maybe the test?
Friday- move on to poetry.

Tomorrow I have to:
pack, finish lesson plans for when I will be gone, clean cat box, deal with school stuff, take a bath. All of that is going to take way too long. *sigh*

Scheduling!

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So. I will be going to Portland on Thursday afternoon and coming home Tuesday afternoon. This means I have nearly 6 days of fun in the… rain? Oh wait… that’s California…

So! I am going to be at Kinkfest quite a bit. Who else will be? I’m curious like. I am also interested in seeing people! 🙂 Pandora, Jaguar, and Bridgett being some of the highest people on that list of “want to see!!!!!!!” I will be staying with Dad across the river in Vancouver and I don’t think I have access to a car so I am at the mercy of kindly people.

I’m also hunting for play partners for Kinkfest because I haven’t done much bdsm in a long time and I think that should change! 😉 Topping, bottoming… I’ll talk with specific hot people (i.e. those reading this post.)

I’m also trying to decide clothes because cons are the place where I get to show off what a tremendous clothes whore I am. I know that I will have three play parties to attend and two days of classes. So how about if I throw this open to the peanut gallery for some tips. No, you don’t get pictures to go along with the descriptions.

Dorothy outfit: it’s a slutty Dorothy though with a very short skirt and pantalets and platform ruby slippers.
Snow White. Need I say more?
Chain mail outfit: it’s a thin strapped shirt with a short skirt. It took me over a year to make but it is worth it.
Victorian skirt with my Dark Garden corset. Dad actually wants me to bring this one so it isn’t really a maybe.
Latex in some form or another. I have lovely black pants, a red pencil skirt, a red shirt… there are others that I can’t remember.
Black leather ball gown. Looks best with white leather waist cincher.
I have a variety of pvc skirts and dresses. These pack up smaller than most of this other stuff does.
Girdles. Mmmmmm
pink crinoline with who knows what cute top. I always find something. 🙂
I think that is all I am coming up with.

Thoughts?

{insecurity}Off kilter

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I woke up this morning from a dream in which four men were trying to rape me. I managed to get away because the sheer fierceness of my fighting back momentarily startled them enough that I escaped hands and ran. In the dream got to a fairly safe place and tried to call 911 and was put on hold indefinitely. I felt totally invalidated, much like I did when I was date raped when I was 18 and the police officer later asked me what I expected when I brought a boy to a party with alcohol. 🙁

I want to cry. I feel uncertain and off-balance and just rather disturbed. I have a great deal of work to get done today though so I need to suck it up. But I feel very lonely and scared. I hate waking up to nightmares.

I want Daddy. But there isn’t a Daddy. There is just me. I know I am strong enough to get through feeling this way, but I don’t want to have to be. I want to be just a little girl right now.

Just life

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Friday was way fun. 🙂 7 people showed up and that was a fairly good crowd for my house. The conversation was loads of fun. I ended up reading lesbian pr0n to people and that was hot. 🙂 I have left over corned beef. My overnight guest was really sweet too. Google boy did my dishes before and after the party because I can’t put my hand in standing dirty water yet. In the morning, I didn’t even ask him to! When I jumped in the shower he started picking up breakfast dishes and washed everything. Ok, that was just awesome.

Oh, we found out the maximum weight capacity for my bed and I need to go buy a drill and screws today to fix it. 🙂

Yesterday involved good therapy and a very odd time with the film maker guy. Not sure if he is going to get any more time. He alternates between being very interesting and being kind of spastic and weird–and not in happy ways. Hm. But the almost-surprise birthday party last night was fun. 🙂 I like getting to be around people who are talking about many things even when I don’t agree with all of it. *cough*economicpolicy*cough*

Today we’ll see if anyone shows up. I need to run out and buy a drill in order to repair my bed frame. We discovered the maximum weight capacity. Ha. Go Ikea construction. It’s fixable though. I just need to do it… Have I mentioned that I really don’t feel like getting up and dressed?

Holy Fuck.

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I am subbing today so I have lots of unfamiliar kids to deal with. One of them just went into shock/passed out. The situation was dealt with fairly calmly. The VP came over with the on-campus police officer and she is being put into an ambulance.

That scared me and my adrenaline is pumping hard. Now I get to monitor kids working silently for the next hour and a half. oy.

Status of the giddy

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(Noelle–this is me bragging. 😉

Google boy turned out to be a pretty nice date and he has since called just to kind of chat. He was pretty clear that he would like to see me again sometime soon, but he is aware that I am busy.
The film maker is happy to be my fill-the-gap person on Saturday when I have some free time between therapy and an event in the evening.
The uke player is being silly and complimentary and stroking my ego on a daily basis.
Flirting with hot dancers is in a sort of static place and I am perfectly happy with that.
Last night I had 12 hot people in a hot tub all paying attention to me. I got to kiss anyone I wanted! Dude, it was so sexy.

I am at a reasonable place for work. I am gearing up for the comp exams and big scary papers coming up for my classes. I think I will do ok.
In the next week I have to finish my poetry unit. Then I have a week or so to get notes together for the comp exams. Then I need to start on the monster papers. I also need to get together with my performance lit group to put together a presentation for class.

If I am smart I will be basically done with my papers by April 23rd because I start full time teaching soon after that. How much do people want to bet that I won’t be that smart? 😉

Ok, if I disappear for April, don’t take it personally. If I disappear in April my life won’t be hell on earth in May. Seems like an ok trade off.

{insecurity}Moving On

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Questions that keep me wondering…

How does one actually move on from the past? I live with ghosts. They are up on my walls and in my heart and in my head. I’m still in love and I carry that love with me into every new person I meet. How do I actually see the new people for who they are? I don’t want to be fighting with my ghosts anymore.

Time. I need to give myself time. I am so terrified of time though.

I have had several people ask me lately what my secret is. How am I doing so much better than other people… dude. I don’t know if I am or not, but I have such a long way to go. I’m trying though to make me better. I’m trying…

No dating. That is what I need to do but I know I won’t. Saturday may include a couple of hours with a maybe I am just starting to talk to. Last night’s date went extremely well–well enough to startle me into starting some major projections and thus my freak out. I see Noah next week, but that isn’t really a date. Then no time for a date until the 9th. Dude. Being busy is… probably good.

Lessons learned

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When you are traveling for the weekend and you have plans to meet a friend it might be worthwhile to ask about the formality of dinner. If one shows up in jeans, hiking shoes, and a ratty sweatshirt at a four star restaurant one feels like a total loser. Dinner, of course, was excellent anyway.

Fairies are sometimes pugs in disguise, but you have to listen very closely for the evidence.

It is possible to fall in love with yourself while driving and doing some hard thinking about the future.

If one is going to not have conversation during a six hour trip it is better to be alone in the car. Silent people suck.

If someone is treating someone else in a way that would offend me it is not my place to say that the behavior is offensive. I need to be better at minding my own business.

I never want to have surgery on my nose.

I am going to have a child. It isn’t in question. (No I’m not pregnant and I won’t be in the next two years.) I don’t need to have a partner in order to produce a wonderful child. As long as I feel like I require a partner for this I will be frantic and upset, but I know enough women who have managed to bring forth some of the best kids I have ever met without needing to have a partner around for help. I know it isn’t easy, but I am starting out with the advantage of a career where supporting myself and my child will be less of a struggle. I can do this. This is what I want from my life.

If you see a rainbow that takes your breath away call someone and tell them about it. It will brighten your day and theirs.

My apartment is small-like

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So I am eliminating places to set crap so that I have to actually put stuff away more often and I have less clutter.

Well… it’s an idea…

Anyone want a maroon painted, locking, wooden toychest? Or a rather nice wood coffee table with a glass top? 🙂 I am going to put them on freecycle in the next day or two cause I want them out of here.