Questions that keep me wondering…
How does one actually move on from the past? I live with ghosts. They are up on my walls and in my heart and in my head. I’m still in love and I carry that love with me into every new person I meet. How do I actually see the new people for who they are? I don’t want to be fighting with my ghosts anymore.
Time. I need to give myself time. I am so terrified of time though.
I have had several people ask me lately what my secret is. How am I doing so much better than other people… dude. I don’t know if I am or not, but I have such a long way to go. I’m trying though to make me better. I’m trying…
No dating. That is what I need to do but I know I won’t. Saturday may include a couple of hours with a maybe I am just starting to talk to. Last night’s date went extremely well–well enough to startle me into starting some major projections and thus my freak out. I see Noah next week, but that isn’t really a date. Then no time for a date until the 9th. Dude. Being busy is… probably good.
When I lost my biggest love, my friend J quoted Swingers to me, it rang true then, and it still rings true now:
“Sometimes it still hurts. You know how it is. Every day it hurts a little less, and then one day you wake up and the pain is gone. But the funny thing is you learn to miss that pain because, like her, it was a part of your life for so long.”
All I can say is that your previous loves inform your present ones, and your present love alters your memories.
After I ended things with my latest true lover, the only way for me to go on was to simply pretend everything was ok, and do what I would normally do as if it really was. This was incredibly painful for a while, but after a time it became a habit. Then, one day, I talked to a friend about it, and mentioned that I had been pretending to be ok for so long that sometimes I forgot it as an act. She looked at me whith a sort of odd look in her eyes, and said “Yes, that’s what it’s like when you get over someone.”
We aren’t insects who molt and are new from the core out. Instead, we are trees. We grow and add rings, and old scars are absorbed and bark grows over them. Given enough time, they vanish in the rings. If the scar is big enough, it will be visible for a long time. If it is even bigger, it may leave us bent and gnarled, but we will be strong trees nonetheless.