It came up on Friday and I was going through it and I noticed places where I needed to update… so I did. 🙂

Here it is… still seven fucking pages. (I modified basically every section. Most of them extensively.)

It has been more than a year and so of course I have changed a bit. I have also decided to revamp the format of the users guide somewhat; I think that means it is officially version 2. J

A couple of years ago I copied the idea of a users guide from my friend because I know that I am difficult to figure out when it comes to sex sometimes. I’m picky and fussy and just generally demanding. Therefore it seems like a lovely idea to have some sort of cheat sheet about how to handle me in general. Some of these things I have figured out on my own, some of these things I have had pointed out to me by friends and/or lovers, some of these things are constantly in flux and will no longer be true in just a few months. Of course this is a living document and therefore subject to change and revision without notice. Just because something is in here doesn’t mean you should assume that for now and all times this is the only thing I like/want/don’t like etc.

Index:
A. Before sex (including courtship/getting to know one another)
1. Just meeting and assumptions.
2. Appearance stuff and attraction.
a. Hair
b. Weight/height
c. Gender
d. Cocks
e. Race
f. Oral Hygiene
3. STIs/safer sex
4. Foreplay
a. Breasts
b. Ways to turn me on
B. During sex (including bdsm play)
1. Oral sex
2. Positions
3. Vibrators
4. Bondage
5. Group Sex
6. D/s
7. Pain
8. Care of the delicate bits
C. After sex. (including relationship level interactions)

A. Before Sex
1. Just getting acquainted
Never assume that you are going to get to go to bed with me. Yes, I go to bed with quite a few people—that doesn’t mean I will choose you. I expect and require that people treat me as an equal, and more importantly as an intelligent, thoughtful, responsible human being until otherwise negotiated. Please don’t act like I ought to be honored to teach you whatever it is you want to know about play/sex/whatever. I already have the honor of teaching many people every day and you are not one of those people.
2. Appearance stuff and attraction
a. Hair
Once upon a time I said that I prefer clean shaven men, but that has radically changed during my adulthood. My opinion now varies tremendously based on personal attitude, grooming standards, and just plain what suits each face. As for the hair on other peoples heads: overall I prefer short hair on men and longer hair on women. However, there have been many exceptions on both genders. If it is long you really ought to take care of it. Dandruff bugs me. Hair that looks/smells dirty bugs me. I have started having more of an appreciation for body hair. At this point it strikes me as highly masculine and that is sexy. Pubic hair doesn’t affect me one way or the other. I wish I could keep myself shaved, but ingrown hairs seem to make that unlikely.
b. Weight/height
Once upon a time I was heavy. It has been several years though and it was only for a brief period and it has become less important to me over time that my identity includes the specific information that I have “lost a lot of weight.” I am still incredibly sensitive to any hint of idea that someone believes I am fat. I find it incredibly offensive and damaging. If I ever feel like someone is interested in me because I am small enough to be “acceptable” I may not be interested in them. I prefer partners who are average/curvy to fairly heavy. Skinny boys don’t do it for me and a woman has to be damn interesting intellectually before I will overlook being able to count her ribs. That being said: I have had numerous experiences recently that have smacked me in the face with how wrong it is to judge anyone based on size. I am working on appreciating people more just for whom they are rather than focusing on some arbitrary thing they may not be able to change. I am generally not attracted to people whom are immobilized by their weight because they can’t do most of the things I enjoy doing. Size stuff overall–I generally prefer men who are three or more inches taller than me. I am really turned on by feeling smaller than someone, particularly male someone’s. I like feeling delicate and like someone can toss me around; given that I’m not a small girl this means that someone needs to be fairly large to treat me this way. If I feel like I can stomp you into the ground, you aren’t going to hit my submissive buttons. I like women of all heights and sizes.
c. Gender
If you haven’t picked up on the fact that I am bisexual then you haven’t been reading this. I list gender in this section only because I feel the need to point out that I have difficulty in being attracted to people who do not register as having a gender. Androgynous people just don’t seem to register as sexual beings for me. I also don’t tend to be attracted to feminine men. I do however like women whom are butch as well as women whom are femme.
d. Cocks (What the hell—since I am listing my preferences…)
Everyone should remember that the vagina is all about potential space. Yes, it can technically stretch, but in a normal resting spot it isn’t particularly large. My body doesn’t stretch terribly well or willingly so I am not a fan of overly large cocks. Period. If it is going to cause my jaw to be sore within five minutes of oral sex I will probably experience a lot of pain during sex and that isn’t good for me. I am so not a size queen.
e. Race
My most significant pool of experience is within my general mutt/white type of background but I am open to new experiences. 🙂
f. Oral Hygiene
YES. Bad breath/teeth that look unclean is really really really repellent to me. I generally won’t kiss someone with bad breath. I will elect not to even if you are a nice person. Just no. I have a general preference for good teeth, but I don’t have perfect teeth and I generally like people more for the sum of their personhood rather than for any specific thing. I have little or no interest in kissing a smoker.
3. STIs/safer sex
The first thing that ought to happen in foreplay is a discussion of STI’s and safer sex expectations. I get tested every three-four months depending on my ability to be brilliant enough to schedule the exams. (I prefer every three, but I get lazy. Oops.) I will ask many questions about someone’s STI status if I am going to have sex with them. If they have not had an exam within the last six months: why not? I no longer have a chip on my shoulder about this though. I know many people who have just not had any risk in a very long time and I tend to not freak out about this anymore. I still believe in condom usage for penetration, though I am more flexible about uncovered contact. If you have not engaged in anything that sounds like it was potentially risky since your last STI screening I will probably be ok with uncovered oral. This does vary though.
I am a big proponent of the idea that we are having “safer” sex. The only safe sex is with your hand. There is risk involved in the play I do and I acknowledge it and try to minimize it. I do not have a desire to play with people who are in denial about said risk.
I believe that digital sex (hand jobs) are fine in either direction if there are no cuts or abrasions on the hand. If I stop you during petting through clothing and look at your hand, that is probably why. I surreptitiously look at peoples hands all the time, so you may not notice me doing it.
I have HPV. I am very very very upfront with this information. I am happy to provide you with access to information. You are an adult and you make your own decisions based on how much of a risk you are willing to take. Given the prevalence of HPV I think it isn’t that big of a deal, but I don’t have to live in your body for the next umpteen years and you do. I never want someone to regret having been intimate with me and I will defer to the stricter preference for barriers. I have tested clean for a year and a half now. But the virus is still there. I also test positive for HSV1, commonly known as oral herpes. I remember having cold sores as a child so I realized in retrospect that yes, I knew that I had it. However I have not had a sore since childhood and I have been told that I am an exceptionally low risk. Everyone gets to make their own decisions though.
4. Foreplay
a. Breasts
My breasts, in general, are more sensitive than my nipples. It is a strange thing, I know. My nipples don’t particularly appreciate gentle sucking. I will look down on you wondering what you are doing cause I feel…something…sorta… but it isn’t overly pleasurable. Squeezing my breasts randomly is rather annoying to me. If it gives you a big thrill I can sit there and take it, but I won’t be getting any sort of sexual stimulation from it and I will probably get really annoyed after a very short period of time. Hurting my breasts/nipples is another story. Start slow with the pain as you see what my body will handle on a given day, but please… push… 🙂 I will eventually either ask you to slow down or you will hit the limit of how much screaming you want to hear. Either way to indicate a maximum level of pain is ok with me. I am not terribly into having my nipples bitten. It is a sharp, overwhelming sort of pain that I have trouble processing and I just don’t enjoy it very much. I will generally tolerate it while someone wants to do it though. Please just don’t think that I am enjoying it bunches. (I need to get better about talking about this one while it is happening.)
I love playing with breasts/tits. I have a tendency to be overly rough, given my own preferences it isn’t a big shock. If I’m hurting you too much ask me to slow down. I can be gentle; it just isn’t my most natural tendency. I’m really focused on women’s breasts. I like them a lot. I like nipples on both genders. I like licking them and biting them. It makes me happy. If this doesn’t work for you, let me know and I will shift focus.
b. Ways to turn me on
First and foremost: talk to me. Tell me how hot you think I am. Tell me what you want to do to me. Tell me what you are doing while you are doing it. Just hearing you narrate how wet I am when you slide your finger into my cunt will increase the quantity of wetness. Read me porn. Have me read you porn. My brain is the most potent sexual organ in my body. Pay attention to it.
Stroke my legs, particularly behind my knees. It is very easy to turn me on when I am lying on my stomach and my legs are stroked lightly. This is by far the most sensuous activity for me. I love having my neck and head stroked gently.
Biting isn’t very sexy for me most of the time. It is usually far too hard for me, though if it is gently enough I love it.
Tell me how to please you. I love having someone tell me how to get them off—it will usually be enough to get me off.
B. During Sex
1. Oral sex
I like giving blowjobs. A lot a lot a lot. I like them the most if there is some degree of being “forced” involved. I’m not talking about serious forcing, but pushing my head down on your cock is going to get me all wet. Telling me to suck your cock will get me all wet. Asking me politely if I would mind will probably cause me to lose interest in giving you oral sex. If I do it at all it will be a lackluster job and I dislike performing poorly. OH! These suggestions apply to people I have already had sex with. If I have not had sex with you, you bloody well need to ask. For those of you who have already had sex with me, guiding my head down slowly is giving me plenty of time to say, “Not today.”
For the record: if I have given you a blow job I consider you one of my sexual partners. None of this “oral sex doesn’t count as sex” crap. Don’t bloody ever tell me that we haven’t really had sex. You have fucked my body and probably (hopefully) come inside me. We have had sex. Sure, it was a different hole. Whoopie. It was still penetrative sex. Don’t worry about asking me if it is ok to come in my mouth. If I like you enough to let your dick in my mouth, I’m happy to have you come. I do prefer being told when it is happening so I can synch my breathing, but it is just a preference. 🙂 I do have a strong gag reflex and if I seriously fight to bring my head back after you have forcibly shoved my head down on your cock… let me go. I may be on my way to run to the bathroom and vomit. It has happened. It will probably happen again. I’m ok with this. Please don’t let the possibility of this happening prevent you from fucking my mouth with enthusiasm. It is great for me. This being said, I’m not terribly thrilled with having a relationship centered solely around me giving blow jobs. I will eventually feel kind of used.
Going down on girls is a little different for me for some reason. I have to like a girl more than I have to like a guy before I will go down on them. It is a strange sort of thing, but it exists nonetheless and I’m honest with myself about it. ~I have gotten more into giving head to women lately. I am more likely to negotiate it earlier than I have been in the past few years. STI conversations are more serious because I strongly dislike dental dams and I therefore encourage everyone who thinks they might like to have sex with me to GET TESTED EVERY THREE MONTHS!! Also: When you go in to be tested you have to ask for a Herpes test. Most people don’t realize that it isn’t standard. Please do ask. I play with people who have Herpes, but I believe it is important to know.
2. Positions
From behind while I’m on my hands and knees (I dislike actually referring to it as “doggy style” unless we are doing a verbal role play. However, if you want me to be your bitch… that can be negotiated.); knees down, ass up, face and chest buried in a pillow/the bed. This is probably my very favorite favorite favorite; lying on my side with one leg between the leg of my partner and the other leg up in the air generally held against the chest; missionary; if I get picked up and moved around…. *swoon*; anything that rubs really hard on my g-spot is good stuff for me. Mine seems to be even more sensitive than usual.
Anal sex. Yes. Please. More. Start gently, work me into slowly… then fuck me hard and tell me just what a little slut I am. God I love this.
3. Vibrators
I am somewhat fond of using them when I’m alone, but I have a strange thing about using them in front of anyone else. It functions as humiliation play for me. If that is the goal, then that can be dealt with. If that isn’t the goal, be prepared for me to be somewhat uncomfortable. Also, vibrator orgasms feel very different for me than orgasms during sex. I like them, but just know this…
4. Bondage
If I need to tell you that I like bondage you haven’t been paying attention whatsoever. I like very constricting stuff around my chest. This is my favorite way to basically do breath play. Major constriction stuff is good for me. I can’t hold my arms behind my back for terribly long and my elbows get wanky at time. I like lots of different materials. Hog-ties are incredibly sexy to me; something about the position feels extremely delicious to me. Recently several people have said, “Oh you can teach me how to tie you up!” and there is an extensive post about this swimming around in my brain. I just haven’t figured out how I want to address it yet.
5. Group sex
Why yes, I would love to engage in group sex. Thank you for asking. I am picky about the group, but given where I have been spending my time and energy it seems to be ok to suggest it at pretty much any time. I will bow out if it isn’t working for me.
6. D/s
One of my biggest motivators in sex or play is D/s from the bottom side. Serving, being used, etc. is what turns me. Once upon a time I stated vociferously that I do not believe I can have a long term relationship that is egalitarian. I have since grown up and been smacked down a bit more and I am reevaluating that statement. I don’t know if I can do a primary relationship that is entirely egalitarian forever, but I am no longer adamantly opposed to trying provided that there is some play in the relationship. Also, relationships need to grow and form before there is enough trust for D/s. I have learned the hard way that saying from the get-go “I want there to be D/s structure” only leads to some serious problems because the trust doesn’t exist. This means that relationships have to start out at least mostly egalitarian… which leads to some conflict between what I want long term and what I want short term. I am such a pain in the ass.
Submissive men don’t turn me on at all. I can get some cerebral thrill out of being a nasty sadistic bitch, but I don’t want to control men. I can enjoy being dominant with women, but even that isn’t much of a sexual stimulus for me. It is a hard-wired thing.
Big Deal: I am not punished. I am not ever ever ever ever ever ever a bad girl. It isn’t ok with me. If you call me a bad girl during a scene, during sex, whenever I am likely to just start crying and that is the end of things. I will be extremely upset and I won’t get over it terribly quickly. It is one of the biggest deals about being involved with me. Major hot button, please don’t mess this one up. I am a nice, sweet, considerate little slutty girl and you think I am just great for being the way I am. Don’t try to tell me otherwise.
I have lots of schtuff in my background that is very unpleasant. I talk about any/all of it rather openly and freely. If you ever have any questions about something please feel free to ask me. I will answer it as openly and honestly as I possibly can. I have more hot buttons than I can delineate in any users manual but I deal with them all pretty well on my own and I don’t expect anyone to pussy foot around me and my schtuff. If I get upset I will try to deal with it on my own or ask for the help I need. I’m not interested in a white knight. My shit is my shit. Let me have it all by myself. That being said, curling up on a lap and crying once in a while just because I need to cry is exactly what the doctor ordered. Pat me on the head and say, “There there.” I’ll be good to go in time.
I have come to the conclusion that I am not ok with needing to be circumspect about my relationships. If I can’t talk about the people that I’m dating/interested in… I can’t be involved with them. I can’t do secrets. It is not something I’m ok with. I have heard the term, “living a transparent life” and I like it. Everyone is allowed to have their personal preferences for how I treat you directly—such as not wanting me to be terribly clingy in group situations—but I need to be able to hold your hand and talk about you. I have been trying really hard to “respect people’s privacy” and I end up feeling like I’m hiding stuff about myself and I’m done with feeling this way.
7. Pain
I already addressed bondage, so how about pain… I like pain in somewhat specific ways. Years of experimentation has taught me that I have extraordinarily sensitive skin. Anything that impacts a large amount of surface area of skin is going to be very difficult for me to process. For this reason I love single tails and canes. Also, I have a lot of lower back issues so a great deal of impact play doesn’t work for me. Floggers basically don’t work for me. It is almost impossible for a flogger to be used in such a way as to not cause me inadvertent unhappy pain. I like cutting and I am more interested in needles than I am going to admit out loud. I LOVE thuddy spankings when someone cups their hand and goes for my sweet spot… Flat handed all over the place spankings suck.
8. Care of the delicate bits
Due to some of the stuff that happened when I was very young I have a whole lot of scar tissue throughout my vagina/labia/anus. Scar tissue is like a dotted line in the skin that means, “Please tear here.” Despite my very strong desire for rough, and rougher, and rougher sex… I can’t actually handle all that I would like to handle. (Damnit.) Don’t pull roughly on my labia. Don’t pull my ass cheeks apart with any speed or force. Just DON’T. I will tear open and it will hurt and hurt and that will mostly curtail sex for hours if not days. It sucks ass and so I try to avoid massive tearing. Gentle handling of the girly bits is important.
C. After Sex
I am not the easiest person to get along with; I am not the hardest either. I am mercurial and fussy about most things. Yes, I am a control freak. I have come to the conclusion that I am best suited to space cadets who are not very sensitive but whom are willing to pander to my moodiness. If someone doesn’t pay super close attention to me I am less likely to wear them out. I need a lot of attention and time spent on me. Right now I am making that impossible by not being available partly as a self-defense mechanism. If I am not available then I am not feeling like I am just sitting at home alone.
I want someone to spend the night after we have sex. I want someone to pull me close for snuggling and stroke my hair. Being generally soothing is good. I need a lot of reassurance in general.
I run hot and cold with how close I want to be to people. If you let me come and go as I please without being clingy I am far more likely to come back. I know this is a lot to ask of anyone though. Date number five seems to be the magic number. Not very many people make it to date five. If you do, you are likely to last for a while. If you don’t—I still want to be friends!