{insecurity}Off kilter

I woke up this morning from a dream in which four men were trying to rape me. I managed to get away because the sheer fierceness of my fighting back momentarily startled them enough that I escaped hands and ran. In the dream got to a fairly safe place and tried to call 911 and was put on hold indefinitely. I felt totally invalidated, much like I did when I was date raped when I was 18 and the police officer later asked me what I expected when I brought a boy to a party with alcohol. 🙁

I want to cry. I feel uncertain and off-balance and just rather disturbed. I have a great deal of work to get done today though so I need to suck it up. But I feel very lonely and scared. I hate waking up to nightmares.

I want Daddy. But there isn’t a Daddy. There is just me. I know I am strong enough to get through feeling this way, but I don’t want to have to be. I want to be just a little girl right now.

12 thoughts on “{insecurity}Off kilter

  1. kbgilmore

    Big Hugs, sweetie. You know you can always call me if you need to talk, even in the middle of the night. I may not be COHERENT right away, but I wake up quickly, and who knows what funny things I will say when you call.

    Reply
  2. celledhor

    Sorry to hear this. Sometimes our dreams are more real than waking and that is rarely a comfortable feeling. You’re friends are here for whatever support you need.

    *hugs*

    Reply
    1. kbgilmore

      Re: :/

      Actually, now that you mention it, I had a bad dream, too. Real whopper that pulled me bolt upright out of sleep. I wonder…

      Reply
  3. terralthra

    There may not be a Daddy, but remember you do have tons of friends who you can call, who will all listen to you, give you a shoulder to cry on, arms around you, and will whisper “It will be OKs” in your ear until you’re ready to face the world.

    Reply
  4. barelyproper

    warm hugs and soft forehead kisses sent your way dear.

    I think its awesome that your subconcious allowed you the strength of breaking away in your dream, and taking control by calling. I am so sorry you feel off kilter. Any chance you could do something pampering like a manicure or pedicure today?

    Reply
    1. Krissy Gibbs Post author

      I actually don’t find manicures or pedicures to be very soothing. They involve a stranger touching me and I’m not huge on that.

      It is like I know I have some power in my dreams… but not quite enough.

      Reply
  5. dorjejaguar

    ;(
    Sorry hon. A bad dream can fuck me up all day. I understand. And that dream sounds pretty ugly. Who knows though, maybe the next time you have such a dream it’ll have a better ending. Maybe you could think on how you would have best liked to end the dream. Tack on your own ending.
    Here’s a hug though, girl, if you want it. *SMOOSH*

    Reply
  6. labelleizzy

    I’ve had similar dreams in the last month – all about feeling vulnerable, like someone tries to make me helpless, and I wake FURIOUS that someone is trying to do that, and fighting all the way.

    the difference is that, five years ago, I would have woke with tears of despair or hopelessness instead of angry tears.

    Have you noticed a change in your dream-outcomes? That was what got me thru the recent series of nasty dreams… I realized I was feeling helpless in some part of my life. So I started looking into it and figuring out the why of it…
    And then I told my brain that was enough of that, thank you – so I got another couple of vivid-as-hell dreams, which at least weren’t nightmares… one disturbing (one of my students tried to kiss me in the dream and I ALMOST let him, in the dream) and one just funny (an impromptu singalong in 6th period Drama…)

    I keep wanting to check if Mercury’s in retrograde again… *sigh*

    I’m sorry I can’t be your Daddy nor can I find you one… but if you ever want to hang out, for any reason, I would love to…

    Reply
  7. boxofchaos

    I too think it’s a sign of strength and empowerment to have been able to fight back – I know that’s exhausting though.

    I hope you’ve had sound sleep and that these scary dreams fade. Dreams are hard. I more often then not just can’t remember them at all, but when I do – they tweak my brain a bit indeed.

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.