Monthly Archives: April 2006

The good and the bad of a weekend date with Google Boy (so far)

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Good:

  • When I arrived I discovered that he had a stuffed animal in the bed waiting for me in case I had not brought Ted. He has paid attention to me apparently.
  • He spent 2 1/2 hours making dinner for me. There was an amazing array and quantity of food. Not to mention that the presentation was spectacular.
  • So much amazing hot sex including a first for him that was rather lovely for me. He tied me up for the second time and once again did a spectacular job–I am seriously impressed with his imagination. I do so love me the boyscouts.
  • He made a really lovely breakfast yesterday as well. Followed by the ice cream we were too full to eat the night before. 🙂
  • Lots of slackage and more hot sex yesterday.
  • Lots of doing dishes and horrifying his housemate. “Guests should not be doing dishes!!!!” “Guess he’s never met a service girl before?”
  • A really sweet walk on the beach that involved lots of storytelling and him actually sharing stuff about himself. I thought it would take a lot longer before I learned these kinds of things about him.
  • A silly trip to the grocery store that felt very normal and like “just life” in a wonderful way.
  • A lovely time sitting around late last night drinking wine and more more more talking. (Ok, bits of that talking are fuzzy. That third glass was a doozy.)
  • Snuggling up for sleep with him and the stuffed animal again and just feeling happy.
  • Snuggling up this morning when he came back to bed really annoyed from work and I gave him a kiss on the cheek and he smiled even though he had been super grumpy just seconds before.

Bad:

  • Said lovely dinner didn’t happen until 10:30 because we didn’t get here till 8. I was kind of cranky and light headed by then.
  • He wanted to watch TV yesterday and I told him if he did that I was going to just go home. He decided that wasn’t a good way to prioritize his time this weekend even if he is weeks behind on his shows.
  • Being cold most of the time. Santa Cruz is like that though.
  • Lots of bad dreams last night centering around feeling guilty.
  • I feel guilty today that I haven’t gone home and this date is starting to feel like spending a weekend with a boyfriend as opposed to a date with a shiney. I have some serious conflict internally about this.

Ups and Downs.

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Yeah, I have those down things. But then I stop and seriously think about how absolutely rockin my life is right now. I get to go spend time with Google Boy this weekend. (It’ll be great. He’s on call; I have homework.) Noah is off with a shiny and that is just awesome. Google Boy wants to take Noah out for a drink. I think this should wait until Portland Boy is in town–hell, it’s only 15 days from now–and all four of us can go have a drink or 3. 🙂 Have I mentioned how much I LOVE being passed around among boys I am into? *swoon* I’m so terribly excited. I had a wonderful weekend with Noah last weekend. I get to spend more time with Google Boy than I ever have before. (He has made some interesting requests about what I should bring. I will not volunteer that cause it would break Dana’s head just a wee bit more.) I am getting closer to done on my papers. (Squeeeee!!!) I get to Portland Boy sooooooooon. He will be Mine ALL MINE (unless he wants to be shared) for three whole days! YAY!!!

And you know what? The bestest part of getting to bounce off of Portland Boy and Google Boy is I get to come back to my Noah. Adventure AND safety. Dude, embrace the power of and! Things are uhhhhh going well with us. About as well as I hoped and better than I expected. How often does one get to say that? During my spastastic behavior of the last week he has been wonderfully supportive. He knew exactly what kind of bitch he was getting so I am trying not to feel too guilty for my mood swings. 😀

Ok, less with the babbling. Does anyone know of anything superfun that I should drag PB (I’m getting tired of writing it out) to on the 13th of May?

Family and Grief

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I went to a funeral today. Anna’s grandmother died. They were very close and this has hit her like a ton of bricks. I thought I wouldn’t be particularly affected. But I was. I cried through almost the entire thing. I cried for the grandparents I never knew. I cried for my father and for my brother and the funerals I was not able to go to. I cried because I am afraid I will never have a relationship with my mother again. I cried out of jealousy. Bess, Anna’s grandmother, was a very pushy, efficient, no-nonsense, loving and caring person. She has a large family who all adore her and went to great lengths to always have relationships with her as she did with them. I watched the grief of Anna’s family and cried because I don’t have a family.

Today I grieve for all the things that never were and can never be. Tomorrow I need to stop looking back. I need to instead look towards the future that I have. I have the most amazing chosen family I can imagine. My chosen family would back me and support me through anything at all. They will be my mourners. I will have children and with the grace of god I will manage to not totally fuck them up and maybe they accept and return the oceans of love I have to give. I have Noah. This man loves me more than I ever dreamed I would be loved–I am so incredibly lucky.

Yeah, I have things in my past that deserve grief. But I have an amazing future ahead of me. I even have a really great present.

To my family: thank you for loving me.

Fear

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Sometimes it feels as if being a woman is synonymous with feeling fear.

Last night as I was walking from class to my car a couple of Mexican guys pulled over next to me and asked me for directions to 3rd street. Uh, straight ahead of you. Then they offered me a ride. They were really pushy and aggressive. I felt my adrenaline start pumping. I had this really awful moment where I wondered if I would be able to outrun them if necessary. I walked fast and ignored their comments. I got into the parking garage and bolted up the stairs.

I hate that I feel so powerless sometimes. I hate that I feel like being female is enough to make me a target. The funniest part is: I never get harassed like that when I dress like a slut. Instead it happens when I am wearing frumpy jeans and a big baggy sweat shirt and sneakers and my hair is up in a very boring bun.

There are moments when this amorphous category of “men” is not a happy thing. I have so many wonderful guys in my life as individuals who are not scary, but “men” are.

Yeah, that’s right baby–stroke it.

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Stroke my ego.

I just had a conversation with a parent about her kid’s grade. He has a 77% and at first she was kind of fussy about it being that low. Then we talked a bit longer about how I don’t think an A is something that should be expected … ever … and she started to see that the kiddo is doing pretty well. Then I pointed out a couple of areas where he is missing lots of points because he missed a few key assignments. Oops.

By the end she told me that she has actually been surprised because she hasn’t heard from me much. Normally he is a serious discipline case (hmmm … I suppose I do see him sitting in front of the VP’s office a couple times a week …) and does significantly less work than he does for me. She was fussy at first because he has been claiming that he hasn’t missed an assignment at all. Then we checked attendence versus missed assignments. Oops. He just doesn’t deal with stuff from when he gets sick. Then she asked how often he ditches. Uhhh… I don’t think he has ever ditched my class. Apparently this is shocking. He has been sick a few times, but not much.

Further conversation lead to the disclosure that he normally is nasty and belligerent with his teachers and ditches a couple of times a week. She says I am probably his favorite teacher so far in high school based on his behavior in class, his attendance, and his willingness to do as much work as he has done.

*blink*

YAY!!!!!!!

I don’t know why he likes me, but it’s great! I think he is an incredibly bright kid and he has always been very sweet with me. When I snap off my normal, “Shut up!” he grins and quiets down. He takes most notes (not all, but only the Asian kids take notes all the time) and contributes great stuff to class discussions. My ego is so incredibly stroked. Yay! Yay! Yay!!

Very amusing.

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Google boy just asked me for a copy of my Users Guide. I think he feels all sassy after his first time ever of tying a girl up.

It’s so cute. I no longer believe I am going to break him easily, but I’m still being gentle with him. 🙂 That might change next Friday. We are going to have our first weekend night date where we get to spend a lot of time together. Yikes! He is really into the idea of me seriously dressing up. This is going to be a lot of fun. Yay!!

Busy!

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I have a to do list longer than my arm. Do I want to do anything on it? NO!!! So. I suck.

How are ya’ll doing? I’m curious. Most of you rarely post anything so I feel like I am just stuck in my own little narrow field of vision. Especially if I haven’t seen you lately, consider this a request for an update. 🙂

Rob says

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In early spring, some of our forebears made love in newly seeded fields, hoping to magically propitiate the growth of the crops. Right now would be an excellent time for you to perform a similar ritual on behalf of what you love. If you’re game, find a secluded outdoor spot on a warm day. Bring a partner if one’s available, or take the earth or sky as your lover. Then carry out a rite of pleasure in which you offer up the spiritual essence of your bliss to the health and success of a beloved person or creature or situation that you want to thrive in the coming months.

Uhm. Hm. I should look around for someone to help me with this.

brain dump

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I love my friends. Especially the ones I have to go very far in order to see. Ya’ll are wonderful.

Twin beds aren’t that bad for snuggling/sleeping but pillows really are my friend. Owie neck.

I am seriously cranky and emotional and I’m not sure why. For the last hour or more I have been fighting off tears and not terribly successfully.

I have such a horrible case of senioritis that it is unreal. I have exactly 11 more class sessions to attend and getting through them is going to be a nightmare. I am starting to hate grad school with a passion. I am chanting in my head that I have one more month before classes end. Then the kiddos only have three weeks past that. In seven weeks I have freedom. Yay.

I passed the first round of my comp exams. I think I deafened the department chair when he called to tell me.

I feel like I am stuck between worlds. I want to be a dancer. I want to be a pervert. I want to be a Burner. I want to hang out with the poly people (for lack of a better way of defining that group). I can’t do everything. I just can’t. There isn’t enough time in the day. I don’t want to give anything up and it is making me very very sad. I don’t know how to juggle my time any better. My blessings are so profound and overwhelming that I am incapable of properly embracing them all. *sigh*

I want to make that stupid pop up thing on the bottom of my screen go away and I can’t figure out how to do it.

In the next five weeks I need to find time in the insanity of my life to make a bodice. I want to scream.

And yet… my life is good. I’m just feeling the stress a bit too much today. It’ll all be ok. Just have to get through some of the harder stuff. Life will figure itself out. In not very long I won’t be able to run around like a mad woman all the time. I can get through two years. Then things have to calm down whether I like it or not. 🙂 But I’m looking forward to it.

If you try sometime

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You just might find you get what you need.

What do I need?

I need to be loved and appreciated for all the various contradictions that make up me. I need to be encouraged to feel no shame for the thoughts, desires, and actions in my life. I need to be loved for my voracious and overwhelming appetites. I need to be allowed to go off and come back and have safety in knowing that there will be a place/person to come back to. I need to not be told that my behavior is ok when it is directed at someone else and not ok when it is directed at you. I need to be listened to and spoken to. I need to be allowed to make mistakes without being told that I am bad for them. I need hugs and kisses without expectation that I have to put out. I need to be asked to put out. I need for it to be understood that it hurts me deeply that I essentially don’t have a bio family, and sometimes I can’t listen to suggestions about how I should fix the situation–there isn’t an easy way to fix it and saying there is demeans me and how much I have struggled to come to terms with my family.

I … I need love. I need to be valued.

I need to thank God for giving me what I need. I am so very grateful for my life and the people in it. I think I am the luckiest girl ever. I have been found.

Blurbs

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I’m tired and cold and really horny.

But what I get to do tonight is get dressed and run off to class. *sigh* I think I will dress weird.

One more day of timed essay writing and then I am free.

Thirty more minutes of class time until I am on vacation from teaching. They will be writing poetry.

Soon I am going to have more time on my hands and I will be able to make plans with friends. In no particular order I want to see:
karenbynightsarahhprinceofwandsrpagebarelyproperribbinloupyonelabelleizzy… so many others. Those just popped into my head right this second. And I need to leave in about 8 minutes and I should get offline…

I have no plans for this Saturday evening. I should call meerkat299. I don’t want to miss this visit!

Sexy

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Portland boy (I need a better nick and I am so not using the one he hands out) decided, rather spur of the moment, to come visit me in May.

Damn this is going to be hot.

*giggle* Yay for crushes! Yay for wonderful boyfriends who think it is cute when I have a crush!

How did this happen again?

Revisiting an old meme

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Because this amused me…

Number of people on my lj friends list: 133

…whom I’ve met in person: 129

…whom I’ve met in person more than once: 126

…whose house I’ve been to: 71

…who have been to my house: 54 (and many of these people it has not been in 8+ years)

…whose full names I know offhand: (I’m just doing first and last) 42

…whom I’ve known for more than 3 years: 30

…whom I’ve known for more than 5 years: 12

…whom I’ve known for more than 7 years: 6

…whom I’ve known for more than 9 years: 6

…whose journal I consider myself “addicted” to: I get upset when brjulia doesn’t post for a long time. Well, not upset… but I miss her. Other than that I read my whole friends list, but I’m not addicted…

…whom I’ve lived with: 3 (I will be living with another one in about 7 months…)

…who I’d do: heh who haven’t I done… 😉 Kidding! There are lots of nice normal people whom I haven’t slept with. Being on my friends list isn’t incriminating… although… there are 19 specific people whom I would really really like to do on my friendslist. Many of whom would be repeats or expanding on previously played somewhat.

I need to go to bed and wank now.

Group work sucks ass.

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I hate group work. Two people didn’t show up until three hours late. We have a six page script–I wrote four pages of it. They wanted me to write the paper as well and I told them that if I wrote the paper then I was informing the teacher that we dropped two people from the group and they had better figure out some way to turn something in on their own by Wednesday.

Assholes.

But I did find out that one of the (considerate) chicks in my group is also a raging pervert. We have plans to go to BaGG together soon. 🙂

Spunk

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I have been reviewing like crazy for my exam. Dude, I so know this stuff… although I know a lot more ancient stuff (a bunch of Greek plays, The Odyssey, Inanna than I will be asked for. Dude. I might actually know stuff!

Yeah, my ego is returning in full force. I am so going to kick ass. 20 hours and counting till I need to arrive for the exam. This will be a cake walk baby. 🙂

(I think I’m feeling so cocky because I have already reviewed 6/10 of the novels I want to review and I remember stuff better than I had thought!!)