I went to a funeral today. Anna’s grandmother died. They were very close and this has hit her like a ton of bricks. I thought I wouldn’t be particularly affected. But I was. I cried through almost the entire thing. I cried for the grandparents I never knew. I cried for my father and for my brother and the funerals I was not able to go to. I cried because I am afraid I will never have a relationship with my mother again. I cried out of jealousy. Bess, Anna’s grandmother, was a very pushy, efficient, no-nonsense, loving and caring person. She has a large family who all adore her and went to great lengths to always have relationships with her as she did with them. I watched the grief of Anna’s family and cried because I don’t have a family.
Today I grieve for all the things that never were and can never be. Tomorrow I need to stop looking back. I need to instead look towards the future that I have. I have the most amazing chosen family I can imagine. My chosen family would back me and support me through anything at all. They will be my mourners. I will have children and with the grace of god I will manage to not totally fuck them up and maybe they accept and return the oceans of love I have to give. I have Noah. This man loves me more than I ever dreamed I would be loved–I am so incredibly lucky.
Yeah, I have things in my past that deserve grief. But I have an amazing future ahead of me. I even have a really great present.
To my family: thank you for loving me.
*hug*
*hugs*
I do appreciate you.
I understand. It is deeply important to have love surrounding you, no matter who it comes from or relates to. Love imparts an energy that can be absorbed and shared. It buoys us. It is also that which fuels our greatest sorrows, but there too, it is an energy that must be shared.
Big hugs.
If we are not lucky enough to be born to the family we want then we need to create it. Go us.
glad you know that you are loved.
How could I not with people such as you in my life?
*Smooch*
*snuggle*
*hug*
*ticklehug*
I’ve read this post 4 or 5 times, and it’s still leaving me breathless, without words….
Thank you, for being you. For helping me grieve too. But most of all, for looking towards a future where you know you are loved and you will love.
Hey, I have you in my life. Of course it will be a great future. 🙂
(hugs)
🙂 Thank you
To my family: thank you for loving me. You’re welcome:)
You know, you are a great brother type. It must be all that practice you have gotten. 🙂
Wow. I can’t find the right words, but thank you for sharing.
Heh. That’s what I do. 🙂