Monthly Archives: May 2006

Pieces of the picture.

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People have pictures of me, of my past. Abuse, poverty, moved a lot, bad family. Here’s another piece of that.

My father had money. A pretty fair amount of money. Part of that was inherited. So why did I grow up in poverty then? Because accepting his money meant playing by his rules. It meant playing those stupid, vapid, bullshit games that rich people play. It is more about who you know than what you know. It is more about sucking up to people you don’t respect than about being honest.

My mother couldn’t psychologically handle my father’s games–she wasn’t brought up in a world where she even knew such things existed. I think that is a lot of why she is so fractured now. I just refused. I won’t kiss anyone’s ass. I won’t play the game your way. I won’t act like your behavior is ok when I believe it isn’t. Does this make me a bitch? I don’t think so but apparently other people do. I call bullshit because I have to call bullshit. Yes, I know I need to work on my tone of voice. I am still reacting with almost two decades of pent up hatred and rage towards all of the things that are so fucked up about my early life. I am trying so hard and it feels like I will never get far enough. I don’t want to stop saying my truth but I hope that someday I don’t sound so angry that the message is lost.

I have a problem with people who think things shouldn’t be said. I don’t respect that attitude or behaviour. I need to work on how I am saying things but I don’t want to ever stop saying them. If that means I am not someone that should be introduced to family, fine. I don’t agree with the hypocracy that my words are fine in one context and not in another but I don’t actually get to decide what all people put up with.

I’m angry and I don’t entirely know what about. I know I am reacting to age old baggage and I need to stop but I don’t know how. I don’t think I was wrong but my tone of voice was.

Something I don’t understand: if my behavior and attitudes are so fucking unacceptable, why do people want me in their life? It isn’t as if I am sitting at home alone because people hate me. There doesn’t seem to be any way that I can really be that bad or wrong. I am tired of being treated like I am though.

Shibaricon

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Let me explain, no–there is too much. Let me sum up.

Travel was a nightmare. There were so many delays that it was just un-fuckingbelievable. I don’t want to ever fly to Chicago again. The place is cursed. You can’t get in and you can’t get out.

Noah and I traded off being cranky and traveling together seems to work very well–yay! Yeah, he’s the right one.

The con itself was very eh. The classes were not particularly inspiring. I felt that there wasn’t much that challenged me.

I got to see some really wonderful people that I rarely see and that was cool. I met more new people at this con than I probably ever have before.

I got to see my Julia and my Bridgett. Ok, the travel was worth it.

I got suspended and I tied up a hot boy and I kicked around another hot boy. Not a bad weekend.

I was a complete and total bitch to japlady and her father. *sigh* Will I ever grow up?

I am really sick of waking up with the sun no matter what timezone I am in.

I missed Google Boy something fierce. I am so happy I get to see him tonight.

Chicago food does *not* agree with my tummy. Next time I am at the food mercy of japlady I need to put my foot down about not so much greasy meat. Ugh. My stomach still feels disgusting. 🙁

But overall I had fun and I’m glad I went. I am mostly sorry about the days missed from work but such is life.

Rob is fucking cool this week.

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Everyone’s but Noah’s really.

Mine: “Have you heard of the Lorax, the fuzzy yellow hero of the Dr. Seuss story? When a greedy factory owner moves into his idyllic little paradise and begins despoiling the forest, the Lorax complains on its behalf, saying, “I speak for the trees, because the trees have no tongues.” Be like the Lorax, Virgo. Stand up for those who are too meek or weak or inarticulate to defend their own interests. It’s the right thing to do, and besides, by doing so you will make connections that generate lucky breaks for you.”

This is how I want to see myself. This is who I want to be.

Fake it until you make it.

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Today I have hope. Today I have a positive attitude. Today I am cheerful.

I’m honest enough with myself that I know that a bunch of my upswing is because of something I was told last night. Yay for not just casual. But I also think that the words of my friends are kind of sinking in. I’m getting really wonderful advice and support and I appreciate it more than I can express in words. I’m trying to keep my chin up and figure out what to do and right now I feel like maybe I will be able to figure out what I need to do.

Thank you.

{insecurity}Return of the Psycho

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Last night I came very close to losing it. I was yelling and throwing things slamming cupboard doors and and generally acting like a complete basket case. At some point I started yelling at Noah and acting like he was a horrible person for having done something minor. I had trouble not breaking into tears at this point. I wasn’t mad at him. He hadn’t done a single thing wrong. But I was so angry that I could easily have hurt him. Easily have punched him in the face with absolutely no thought to how bad I would feel later.

I started talking to myself rapid-fire about what is actually wrong, why am I so freakin upset? I know what the problem is.

I talked to my mom on Sunday. I couldn’t handle shutting her out anymore. I am so attached to my mom that it just isn’t funny. But, as I told my therapist on Saturday, I can’t talk to her. Talking to her takes away the fragile balance that I have in life. She tells me that I am unreasonable and everything is my fault. She sees absolutely no need for her to go to therapy and she thinks I am unreasonable for asking her to. When I told my mom that I need for her to start seeing a therapist she said, “You’re not my mother. You’re my daughter and you can’t tell me what to do.” I told her, “I’m well aware that I am your daughter. And in about two years I am going to have kids of my own and it is going to be my job to protect them and I am telling you that if you don’t work on your shit you are not going to be allowed to have contact with my children because I will not allow you to do to them what you have done to me.” She got really angry and started on her, “I did the best job I could” rant which includes her saying that everyone makes mistakes. Yes mom, everyone makes mistakes. But if you never learn from your mistakes you will keep repeating them and that is really lame. If you never learn from your mistakes then you nver grow or become a better person. I am not going to continue to be the one to pick up the pieces from her mistakes forever.

And from all of this running around in my head I have been screaming a lot in the past two days. I have been crying even more than I would anyway. She asked if she can come with me to see my therapist when she is in town in June. I left my therapist a message but I haven’t heard back from her. If I continue to feel totally crazy when I talk to my mom then I really need to stop. I just don’t know that I am strong enough.

I feel so weak.

This is draining over into other parts of my life right now. I feel like I need support of some kind but I don’t know what kind. I want to be taken care of but I know that no one can fix this but me. I want to hand this problem over to someone stronger but no one exists who can do it better than me. No one else is part of it. I am really angry with her for never providing me with enough security as a kid so that I feel confident that I can make decisions that are good. Because I am upset about this I am feeling upset about a couple of different things that shouldn’t be making me feel upset. Am I ever going to be able to maintain balance? Am I always going to be totally at her mercy? I feel like I should hide at home for the next few days alone. I’m not fit for company.

Not the best day ever.

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Today I had a really hard therapy session talking about my mom. Then I called my brother and he was his typical asshole self. At the end he flippantly told me that our step-mother died three weeks ago. I lost it. I almost crashed my car.

Trudy was literally the only person in my family who has ever told me that none of it was my fault and that she doesn’t blame me for any of it.

I tried to arrange one on one time with someone this evening to feel a little less shitty and that didn’t work out. I felt really rejected even though I know I shouldn’t have. I was being upset about the earlier news more than I was reacting to that exact situation.

But I really hurt right now.

Saturday morning conversations.

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So Noah and I are lying in bed talking and the conversation manages to get around to the fact that he thinks that everyone who knows me wants to do me. I disagree with this assertion. Not because I have low self esteem, but because I simply don’t think that I am everyone’s cup of tea. We argued and argued and no one was winning so I decided to take it to the most appropriate forum possible. LJ. 😀 So please, clicky clicky on the poll.

Do you want me baby?

things change

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I have been planning Friday Night Waltz tonight for about 4 weeks. But uhhh now it isn’t a good idea. 🙁 I’m not still throwing up, but if I get up and move around my stomach starts hurting again. So I’m going to be sitting pretty still today and tomorrow. Sunday evening I am supposed to help with load in for http://www.dnalounge.com/flyers/2006/05/21-lookingglass.html. Is anyone else going?

Rob says

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“When lightning strikes a human being, it’s usually bad news. Not so inthe case of a man from Maine named John Corson. After experiencing awhitish-blue bolt shoot through his body during a thunderstorm, hetestified that his health became better than it had been in a longtime. “I feel lighter and 100 years younger,” he marveled. I predict acomparable (though less shocking) rejuvenation for you, Virgo. Whatyou’re going through or about to go through might cause a breakdown insome people, but for you it will lead to a breakthrough.”

As Noah just put it, “That’s kind of the story of your life.”

ha.

For the record

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The boys have come to the conclusion that I’m not reacting to alcohol I am just sick. I threw up four times today, the last time I had only had green tea flavored water. I’m just sick. I did manage to keep some soup down this evening but moving around still causes my stomach to hurt enough that I am calling in sick to work tomorrow.

I didn’t do that much partying last night. I had three drinks over the course of about three hours. Although last night that was enough to make me black out portions of the evening and catch my hair on fire. I don’t want to talk about it. I feel like a total fucking idiot and for the life of me I don’t understand why Google Boy was willing to come take care of me today after I made such a horse’s ass of myself. *bang head against wall*

I am sick. I feel really awful. I would want to cry, but the boys in my life have babied me so much today that even that doesn’t seem necessary. They traded off taking care of me this evening and had a lovely little chat over my prone form. I really like both of them. I am so lucky.

holy shit

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I am so hung over it isn’t funny. May I tell you all how intimidating a classroom full of teenagers is when you are so hungover you want to throw up all over the place?

Last night I was really stupid. But I had fun. 🙂 woof. Not doing that again anytime soon.

Hidden Messages Meme

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List ten (10) things you want to say to ten (10) different people. (I’m going to skip the tagging this time.)

1. I love you more than I can ever express and I am very sad that I can’t be near you.
2. Please give me more space. I feel like I am choking.
3. I know it doesn’t feel like it right now, but things will be ok in the long run. I have faith in you.
4. It’s time to move on. If you keep thinking about him it will only hurt you more.
5. Please stop hurting yourself. I love you so much and it is difficult to see you do this. I know it isn’t about me, but–please stop for you.
6. I love you.
7. I think you are hot and I want to jump you.
8. I am sicking of dealing with your bullshit drama. In fact, I am so sick of it that I am just not going to deal with you anymore. I’m done.
9. I really love that you think of me when you hear that song.
10.If you want to do it, just do it. Stop being afraid.

And real life returns

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I am watching a movie in preparation for class tomorrow. Oy.

The weekend was lovely. Portland Boy is sweet and fun. I think I likes him. 🙂 Breakfast with the boys was quite lovely. I think that the boys basically liked one another. Yay!!!

Yesterday we wandered around SF for a bit and had fun. When we finally got back to my house around 5:30 I passed out hard. He decided that I only got a two hour nap. Meaniehead. I woke up and made him dinner and we watched a movie. That was fun. “Quiet please.”

Today I took him down to Santa Cruz and showed him around a bit. That was quite nice as such things are want to be. 🙂 We came back and I tied him up for a while. I haven’t tied up a boy with the intention of having sex with him in years. Not since Tom. It was most disconcerting. I had a hard time getting my equilibrium back.

I also had a moment this morning when he was on the phone with his mother where I felt out of sorts and sad, but that is going to happen in my life.

Tonight we had good Indian food and started a movie I have to watch for class. Dropping him off was kind of sad, but I will see him again in about a month. 🙂

Time is so fleeting

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Right now I have a lovely boy sleeping in my bed. There are moments when I curse being a morning person.

I did not use my time wisely last night because while his plane was delayed I should have found a handicapped bathroom so we could fuck before even leaving the airport. Instead, I sat in the walkway waiting and had a very drunk, very obnoxious guy hassle me for about 20 minutes. I guess wearing a ridiculously short and intensely red dress will get attention. So we didn’t get to fuck at the airport. Very sad.

I dragged him to the grocery store after that so we could figure out what we want to eat this weekend. It was fun to fondle his ass and kiss him into silence periodically. He responds so easily to any aggressive actions. Once or twice he did remind me that he is bigger and stronger than me and can have his way if he wants it and that is even hotter.

When we got home I started putting dinner together and got distracted. Oh baby did we get distracted. I have had conservative friends ask in judgmental voices why I want to have more than one lover. Sometimes I want to tell them that I continue to want new lovers partially because of that moment of discovery one has with new or rare partners. When taking someones close off is still a great surprise and gift. That moment when someone will push me down and say, “No, I just want to look at you” and then devour my body with his (or her) eyes only. That moment gives me more happiness and self-regard building than most. That is when I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that I have beauty. I am a big believer that being in love with someone positively colors one’s regard of them–which is hardly a bad thing–but it makes judgment of beauty more biased.

I also got to introduce him to the concept of different sizes of condoms. Hey, who knew that they could actually feel comfortable? Silly boy. (Fellas–I’m telling you. Try out different sizes and brands!!)

When we finished we went and found dinner on legs shaking from exertion. After eating we passed out well before 11. This allowed us to wake up in the middle of the night when just the proximity of one another lead to more desire.

Now I have been awake for about an hour. In two hours my boys get to all meet. I am nervous but excited.

Another episode of “My Surreal Life”

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I am running around getting ready for Portland Boy’s visit. I want fast, energetic happy music to push myself along with. So what do I put on?

The Supertones.

Uhm … that means nothing to you? Oh–you mean you don’t listen to Christian Ska?

So I’m bopping around singing along with “I chose Christ and here I am today. I’m in Christ and Christ’s in me!” as I prepare for a visit from my lover. Yeah. Weird.

Tagged again! :)

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Name 10 of life’s simple pleasures that you like most, then pick ten people to do the same. Try to be original and creative and not use things that someone else has already used.

1. Pink fuzzy shower curtains hung as my living room curtain.
2. When more than 1/2 of my class is up to date on their reading. (Seriously, this makes me deliriously happy.)
3. Knowing that in less than 24 hours I get to see my Portland Boy!!
4. Going to sleep and waking up with my Noah.
5. When someone tells me they like my smile.
6. Driving through a massive rainstorm and then seeing a beautiful rainbow on the other side.
7. Having Noah start rubbing some part of me (massage you filthy perverts) while we are just sitting around having a conversation.
8. Feeling heard.
9. Walking along the beach hearing stories about someone I like a lot.
10. Knowing that in 36 hours I will be in a restaurant with three of the men that make me the happiest.

My life so rocks.

Oh, I choose: malixe, celledhor(boy you never post), gerardp, fuzzyturtlefoamslice, meerkat299, soulcookie, notanai, polkamadness, and terpsichoros. Yeah, we’ll see if even *two* of you do it. Heh.