Last night I took advantage of the last night I will be able to go to BaGG for a while. I start full time teaching on Monday and I am so incredibly wasted right now that it would be irresponsible to do this to myself when I have a full day of work instead of just an hour.

I dressed up, or down depending on how you look at it. I wore lace panties, a lace body stocking, and a fishnet shirt. So I was arguably covered, but in body hugging see-through material. It took two shots of tequila to talk myself into leaving the house dressed like that. I was having a huge argument with myself over whether I am hot or not. I am not terribly brazen most of the time though I have been working at changing that. More times than not I hate my body. But I just didn’t feel like wearing my normal dowdy dresses. I wanted the admiring looks and the compliments and I know that the way to get them is to show off. I think that if Google Boy had given even .0001 of an ounce of anything that was less than totally reassuring I would have caved to my fear. But he off-handedly proclaimed that I looked great so I sucked up my liquid courage and went.

I talked to people. I didn’t do much flirting with anyone other than GB. I danced for a little while with a really sweet guy who has a beautiful smile and who is willing to swing dance with me! He can stay. 😀 I did hit on the dead guy though. (Long story) I ran into someone I know from vanilla dance events who was a bit surprised to see … so much of me … Yikes.

The ride home involved lots of talking. It’s a long drive and I decided to be nice and for once work to keep the driver awake. It is interesting to me to do storytelling these days about myself. I live so much of my life very publicly that it feels odd that people don’t know my story already. I forget that I am constantly meeting new people and they don’t know my stories yet. I always feel self-conscious when I tell the bad ones. I would rather just focus on the easy stuff, like sex, because that is less likely to make people feel bad.

Last night was interesting though because I felt more distant from a lot of the bad stuff than I remember feeling before. I was an unhappy, miserable, angry child–but that is all over now. Now I am so very happy. I am close to contentment (I just want to finish my Masters). And I am rarely angry. I do get cranky way too often, but that isn’t the same thing. 🙂 I think what I am having the hardest time with these days is the fact that I know I am cranky and I lash out at people in weird ways, but most of the time I feel happy. I wish I could maintain my level of happiness with more consistency. That is my next big self-improvement goal: how to minimize the cranky! I think that I feel happy most of the time these days because I am genuinely happy at work. I feel accomplished and competent and successful here. Not to mention that my coworkers are constant rays of sunshine and my kids are pretty freakin rockin. I won’t always have classes that are this cool so I am trying to appreciate it.

Today I am tired. Bone weary. Getting out of bed and out of the house was very difficult because there was a wonderful snuggly boy there. I feel like I am drifting through a fog. But it is a fog with pretty colors floating in and around it. Tonight I am sleeping all by myself. It is good and bad. I won’t have as much distraction tomorrow morning to make it so hard to go to work. 🙂 I get to spend basically all weekend with my Noah. Life is good. I need sleeeeeeeeeeep.