Last night I came very close to losing it. I was yelling and throwing things slamming cupboard doors and and generally acting like a complete basket case. At some point I started yelling at Noah and acting like he was a horrible person for having done something minor. I had trouble not breaking into tears at this point. I wasn’t mad at him. He hadn’t done a single thing wrong. But I was so angry that I could easily have hurt him. Easily have punched him in the face with absolutely no thought to how bad I would feel later.
I started talking to myself rapid-fire about what is actually wrong, why am I so freakin upset? I know what the problem is.
I talked to my mom on Sunday. I couldn’t handle shutting her out anymore. I am so attached to my mom that it just isn’t funny. But, as I told my therapist on Saturday, I can’t talk to her. Talking to her takes away the fragile balance that I have in life. She tells me that I am unreasonable and everything is my fault. She sees absolutely no need for her to go to therapy and she thinks I am unreasonable for asking her to. When I told my mom that I need for her to start seeing a therapist she said, “You’re not my mother. You’re my daughter and you can’t tell me what to do.” I told her, “I’m well aware that I am your daughter. And in about two years I am going to have kids of my own and it is going to be my job to protect them and I am telling you that if you don’t work on your shit you are not going to be allowed to have contact with my children because I will not allow you to do to them what you have done to me.” She got really angry and started on her, “I did the best job I could” rant which includes her saying that everyone makes mistakes. Yes mom, everyone makes mistakes. But if you never learn from your mistakes you will keep repeating them and that is really lame. If you never learn from your mistakes then you nver grow or become a better person. I am not going to continue to be the one to pick up the pieces from her mistakes forever.
And from all of this running around in my head I have been screaming a lot in the past two days. I have been crying even more than I would anyway. She asked if she can come with me to see my therapist when she is in town in June. I left my therapist a message but I haven’t heard back from her. If I continue to feel totally crazy when I talk to my mom then I really need to stop. I just don’t know that I am strong enough.
I feel so weak.
This is draining over into other parts of my life right now. I feel like I need support of some kind but I don’t know what kind. I want to be taken care of but I know that no one can fix this but me. I want to hand this problem over to someone stronger but no one exists who can do it better than me. No one else is part of it. I am really angry with her for never providing me with enough security as a kid so that I feel confident that I can make decisions that are good. Because I am upset about this I am feeling upset about a couple of different things that shouldn’t be making me feel upset. Am I ever going to be able to maintain balance? Am I always going to be totally at her mercy? I feel like I should hide at home for the next few days alone. I’m not fit for company.
Hugs. It’s hard, but it’s worthwhile.
Wow, you hit the nail so closely to being on the head that I want to hug you for it.
1) I love the bit about learning from mistakes, I almost want to force Jeff to read it cause it goes right to my issue with him right now, 25 years and hasn’t learned a damn thing from his life. I don’t understand how smart people can walk through life on remote control never questioning themselves and trying to learn from their actions/choices. I want to slap them when I find them especially if they’re not dumb people.
2) its a LONG learning process that takes YEARS and your actually pretty far along on the path only you can’t see it from where you are. As children we’re wired to trust our parents to keep us safe. As teenagers we start to get some perspective on it. You’re in your early 20’s and part of you can’t let go of the fact that your mother has an obligation as a natural act of motherhood to protect you and yours, only clearly the woman isn’t up to the task.
GO YOU for telling her you expect her to take a good look at that or you won’t let her be alone with your kids. And you have a perfect right to mourn the death of the fantacy/dream/wishes of iconic as advertized on TV relationship between you and your mom, and if you have to yell and scream and cry at that death, go to it.
For the record: In my case, I had that protective mom when I was a kid, but lost her when I was 18. So in a way I was lucky, but my mom and I had a simular discussion before she died (I never did get her into counceling) but I told her that I could not trust her to be alone with my kids — if/when I had them, and it hurt her greatly. But I really don’t have to tell you because you know this already, once you become a mother your obligation to your kids is greater than to your mom as much as that pull is there.
And as to Noah, one of the reasons he’s good for you is I trust he can handle it. No weak livered boy that one.
In typical Noah style he was supportive and awesome. He really is the best.
Two things.
1) I love you. I know that doesn’t make up for all the suck, and the psycho feeling. I’ve been there, and while I don’t know how it feels to be in exactly your shoes, I can guess. So I thought I would mention that I care.
This leads into #2. If you need someone to listen, or hold you, or rage with you, someone who’s actually been there and is there, and is trying to navigate the treacherous waters of her own relationship with her mom…well, I’m here, and I have a phone.
*hugs* It will get better. And if you can think of anything I can do to help that along, just ask.
I would really like to get to know you more this summer. I’m going to ensure that I don’t get sucked up into boys and forget the great people who I need to know better.
(hug)
(hug)
I went through stuff like this with my dad. The outcome was not the best but it was what needed to happen.
I know you well enough to know that you will do what is right and healthy for you.
*hug*
I’m so there right now myself. I’ve been a horrible bitch even at work, and I’m not quite sure how to stop.
Take care of yourself.
It is really weird, but when I go to work I leave my personal stuff at the door. Sometimes I am a bit more sensitive to them, but I still smile and encourage and tell them how awesome they are and how proud I am. Some of my coworkers commented (today–humorously) that they love how I always have a smile on my face and something nice to say.
I don’t know how I do this, but I’m glad I can. My personal life is not my students’ problem. They deserve a helpful, supportive, kind teacher regardless of what shit is coming down in my life. I do my very best to give them this everyday. I know I have been snippy with them a little once in a while but it is very rare and I walk outside to calm down when I start. I *can’t* subject them to the kind of mood swings I grew up with. It is just flat wrong.
That’s great that you can do that.
Either fortunately or unfortunately, I only work with adults, a decent portion of whom I’ve become friends with – so I tend to lose it with them about as much as I lose it with my non-work friends. It’s one of those horrible things where the closer I am to them, the more they’ve had to deal with my issues.
I do actually consider it a great thing that I spend very little time with peers. It is *so* much easier for me to deal with subordinates. 😉
I need to remember this for myself. My mom also remarkably moody and she would take it out on us. And I tend to be pretty bad about checking my personal life at the door at work cause I worked with my dad for years, and everyone we worked with also knew us for years so they were/are a kind of extended family for us.
So yah, if you can do it — and you are moodier than I am, lord knows I can force myself to learn to.
Thanks
I think this is how I deal with chaos in my life so calmly. It’s not really that I don’t react. It’s that my reactions go in the “deal with it later” box, and I open it by myself, or with very carefully selected people.
Which is also why I start to go a little nuts if I have too much chaos and not enough me-time. The box starts to overflow.
Oh, and…
It occured to me after I hit “post comment” that being able to focus just on my job is probably part of why I love going to work so much. I have 5-7 hours a day where I don’t think about my personal life and I just focus on doing something I love. It really helps that I have such wonderful students.
Today, 4th period lost a minute of lunch for talking too much during class and I took that extra minute to tell them how happy I am with the work they have been doing and how they are a really wonderful group of kids. When I let them go even my scowlers were smiling. That feels good.
It took four long years of therapy to get where I’m at today with my Mother. She’s my best friend.
But after reading your post the memories of her not protecting me from my father came flooding back in. I remember the immense pain of feeling all alone, trapped in a vortex of her self-denial.
She was NEVER wrong, it was always me. If I was a bit emotionally stronger things would not affect me like they do. She’d say all that shit to me and more.
I don’t need to tell you this but I will anyway. You have an amazing man who will stick it out with you no matter what. But don’t forget, you’re an amazing woman as well.
Love, I didn’t speak to my mom for seven years.
I don’t regret it.
It was just too painful to have her never own up to anything.
I could be in hideous pain because of her actions while should could be flippant and irresponsible.
It wasn’t okay.
Now I let her email me. That’s it.
She asked and was denied access to me via phone. It would hurt me too much and I don’t want it. There is just no point.
Saying No is okay.
Expecting yourself to not be affected by your mothers behaviour may be unrealistic.
It’s understandable that it hurts you.
You have to take care of your heart.
Do what you have to.
It’s not a matter of “strength” or lack of that she affects you, still hurts you. It’s no weakness.
Be kind to yourself, please.
If it isn’t weakness, what is it? I want so much to be level headed about this, but I just can’t do it.
… Well, it’s been 13 years since I’ve been in regular relationship to my mom, and 11 since we spoke at all. Sometimes, we can only give what we have to give… and we grow up and have limits. We deserved those all along.
I can’t tell you how much this hits home, but… I don’t need to tell you. That’s why you are such a treasured friend. I could count on one hand how many people I’ve had like that in my ENTIRE life.
“I want to hand this problem over to someone stronger but no one exists who can do it better than me.”
Honey, I think the point is that We, your net of people, are there to stand with you, and catch you when you need it. You really do need to untie these knots yourself, but you are not alone.
I love you. You deserve to be angry. You’re going to be an amazing fucking mom, and you are already an amazing daughter – for communicating, for prioritizing health, and for giving her a chance to respond to your needs, still after all these years.
If my daughter is able to prioritize her well being in life when she is your age, I will feel succesful sweetheart. You’re doing everything you SHOULD be doing.
I love you, I’ll save hugs for you.
*smootch*
Okay then follow the logic. Is it weakness to hurt?
Since when have you wanted to not feel?
What is the point of a relationship if your not even gonna feel anything about it? Not feeling is the only way (that I can see at this point) that you could be insensible to the pain your mother causes you.
What *is* “levelheaded” in this case? It not mattering? It all being peachy keen? Sounds like denial to me. So far your still awake to the fact that things are not copacetic with you and your mom.
Obviously things aren’t ok however you are still in relationship with her and therefore you still hurt as you’ve found no way to sheild yourself from the pain it causes you.
Hon, if you cut yourself open accidentally from falling you’d clean your boo boo up and put a band aid on it and take a few breaths. You would not just act all stoic, you would take care of yourself.
If someone took a swing at you you would put some distance tween you and them or defend yourself physically. You wouldn’t stand there telling yourself that you should be able to handle it.
Hon, some people put up with their mothers weirdness cause its just annoying, not straight out hurtful.
Many people take care of themselves by distancing from their parents. I know that isn’t the way it happens in the movies but this is life, especially for those of us who experienced abuse in the household.
Maybe you keep wishing she’d do what a mother should do. Maybe thats why you keep putting yourself out there for the hurt. Cause you’re waiting.
You may get it someday, she may change, but she will never be able to turn back time and protect you in the past.
I’m not gonna tell you what you should do.
I just think expecting yourself not to hurt over this is… well its kinda nuts. You’ve got reason to hurt. Please don’t go compounding the abuse by blameing yourself.
Anyhow, it was NOT weakness that I chose to put distance between me and my mother for my emotional and mental health. Quite frankly, considering that way too many people think children should kiss their parents asses for squeezing them out makes it a couragous act. I don’t even give a fuck if people think I’m a heartless bitch daughter. At least my heart isn’t in shreds. At least I don’t have to spend hours crying over some fucked up phone call from my mom anymore. It was a hard decision and I wouldn’t want to make it for anyone else but I did make it for myself. I’m a saner happier person today because of it.
Not weakness.
Take care of yourself.
You are really awesome and amazing. Thank you for giving me your friendship. *hugs*
Oh that is *really* nice to hear. I’ve been a bit low in the self esteem thing lately.
Thanks for the hugs and you are really welcome for the friendship.
You’re way way way cool.
And such.
*much spontaneous smooshing and kisses*
What they said… also, one tip. Speaking as a therapist, I would not advise you to bring your mother into your therapy with you. There is no good that will come of it. Sure, some daughters do bring their mothers in for one or two sessions, but the scenario is different. This is *your* therapy. It’s not your mother’s therapy and it’s not family therapy. It’s yours and it should be protected as such. Your therapist won’t make your mother understand in one easy session. Besides, I’d be surprised if your therapist agreed to it on the grounds of… all of the above.
Thank you for this advice. I talked to my aunt about it and she said that my mother has reported that she is going to “Go see my therapist with me so that my therapist can help me understand what she is saying.” Uhhhh… not quite what I had in mind mom. I understand what you are saying. I think you are wrong.
I feel for you.