People have pictures of me, of my past. Abuse, poverty, moved a lot, bad family. Here’s another piece of that.
My father had money. A pretty fair amount of money. Part of that was inherited. So why did I grow up in poverty then? Because accepting his money meant playing by his rules. It meant playing those stupid, vapid, bullshit games that rich people play. It is more about who you know than what you know. It is more about sucking up to people you don’t respect than about being honest.
My mother couldn’t psychologically handle my father’s games–she wasn’t brought up in a world where she even knew such things existed. I think that is a lot of why she is so fractured now. I just refused. I won’t kiss anyone’s ass. I won’t play the game your way. I won’t act like your behavior is ok when I believe it isn’t. Does this make me a bitch? I don’t think so but apparently other people do. I call bullshit because I have to call bullshit. Yes, I know I need to work on my tone of voice. I am still reacting with almost two decades of pent up hatred and rage towards all of the things that are so fucked up about my early life. I am trying so hard and it feels like I will never get far enough. I don’t want to stop saying my truth but I hope that someday I don’t sound so angry that the message is lost.
I have a problem with people who think things shouldn’t be said. I don’t respect that attitude or behaviour. I need to work on how I am saying things but I don’t want to ever stop saying them. If that means I am not someone that should be introduced to family, fine. I don’t agree with the hypocracy that my words are fine in one context and not in another but I don’t actually get to decide what all people put up with.
I’m angry and I don’t entirely know what about. I know I am reacting to age old baggage and I need to stop but I don’t know how. I don’t think I was wrong but my tone of voice was.
Something I don’t understand: if my behavior and attitudes are so fucking unacceptable, why do people want me in their life? It isn’t as if I am sitting at home alone because people hate me. There doesn’t seem to be any way that I can really be that bad or wrong. I am tired of being treated like I am though.
tone and intent
Do I think you’re a bitch? No.
I do think you express anger/angst with more emotion than the item or event warrants. I also know that’s your ‘old stuff’ rearing it’s head when it finds any outlet.
When I see past the tone to the intent, it’s clear you’re not out to maim (well, sometimes that’s needed.) That you don’t brook ignorance or bullshit is laudable, that it carries with it the weight of old and ugly crap, I don’t know.
I’ve been where you are, and I don’t know how or even when it changed, but it did, just maybe not in my timeframe.
So why do I want you in my life? Cause I do.
There’s the fluff stuff – you’re cute and really funny. You’re fun to dance with and play with. You’re sexy.
But moreover, I appreciate that razor wit and honesty. I value your integrity, and even though I don’t, I feel that I could talk to you about my problems.
’nuff said
Dad’s take (how he saw you): She’s basically a good hearted, hard working, VERY honest person (which he much prefers over polite and false by the way, and he being someone who cleans up after himself, he very much appreciated how you clean up after yourself). But as he saw it, you have way much baggage, way much anger and you’re splashing it around on anyone and everyone who reminds you of the source — whether or not they have actually done anything to you or in your presence to deserve that kind of wrath and anger.
Listen, I know you love me and I have issues with my dad so maybe you felt you had to defend me or something — but because I have issues with my dad does not mean he’s a raging asshole. (Although I did appreciate the effect that his being taken down a peg had on him yesterday — we’ll see how that plays out over the next week.)
For instance: my father has struck me a total of twice in my whole life — once when he caught me with a cigarette in my mouth, once when I hit my mom in his presence; he’s never been mentally abusive or sexually abusive to ANYONE that I know of, he never cheated on my mother (and got angry at me when I gave him permission to at one point, because that would have meant breaking the marriage vows he took) or was in any way abusive towards her (and believe me, that was an act of forbearance on his part especially after she got brain damaged); he never lies to us, he has always put his responsibilities towards family before his own desires (for instance he didn’t spend our collage money on fancy trips and cars like the father of one of my LJ friends), and while yes he’s in his own manipulative way controlling through the use of conditional love and the power of holding the purse strings, it is always because he’s trying to get us to do what he believes will make us happier in the long run; and even then he was never dictatorial about it, it was never ‘my way or the highway’ or ‘because I said so’ with him. And dad for the most part has been supportive of me when I opt for the road less traveled and tries to be accepting even when it rubs against his ego — its just some things are harder for him than others and right now I’m really pushing his limits.
In other-words if dad and I have issues it just means he’s human and I’m his daughter and we’re having issues — and lets face it, I’m 41, unemployed have never been married, never produced grand kids, and the amount of income I’m produced independent of his efforts has been negligible, and any education I’ve got he’s paid for. So he’s got a parent’s right to be a bit annoyed and frustrated with me at this point.
My brother, for as much as he’s a loser has rarely taken a dime from my dad in the last 20 years and has in fact made us some money though his management of the family stocks. So I get that a LOT Of my issues with my dad are in fact my own fault. He’s be MUCH more pleasant once I manage to start supporting myself. He gets that I can’t control who responds to my resume, but he also notes that he’s had to hustle to create work for himself by selling people on ideas for most of his life, while I expect someone to just hire me and provide me with labor. And he’s right.
But back to you…. It almost felt like from moment one when he was trying to help you with driving directions (and most likely he was asleep when you called although as I’ve said numerous times in my LJ he’s gotten slightly mentally fuzzy recently as a result of old age and I’ll note you seemed to be angry with him for that too) you were looking to find fault in him just like you kind of hoped in a previous LJ that I would do with your mom.
I’m not trying to defend him I’m just pointing out that you were not extending any charity or compassion towards him — a very old man who was allowing complete strangers to stay in his home and was attempting to be a good host — because for some reason you didn’t want to.
I don’t think I was wrong but my tone of voice was.
This is my point of view about what you said and how you said it. I agree.
I 2nd the motion
Got a feeling I don’t know enough about whats going on here to comment.
But, still it got me to thinking, I wondered if you were participating in that bookclub thing that mortalcity and eroswind are doing. I’ve got the book and been reading it and I think some stuff that’s in there could, if you wished, help dismantle the armature and kneejerk reactions.
I’m not at this point. I might start in two weeks when I an free of all other responsibilities.
Do you have the book?
Not yet, but I read more quickly than you can imagine.
You can read more quickly than I can imagine? Uh. No you can’t. My brain can imagine pretty fast.
I’m sure you read super fast though. Wouldn’t surprise me a bit.
“I have a problem with people who think things shouldn’t be said. I don’t respect that attitude or behaviour. I need to work on how I am saying things but I don’t want to ever stop saying them. If that means I am not someone that should be introduced to family, fine. I don’t agree with the hypocracy that my words are fine in one context and not in another but I don’t actually get to decide what all people put up with.”
I don’t believe that everything one *thinks* needs to be said. I think in part it falls under the category of permission to give advice. In my experience, which I am still expanding, just because you don’t like something doesn’t mean you can or should attempt to fix it right there and then. Those unsolicited words are an aggressive act, and rarely fall on receptive ears.
I think there’s also such as a thing as “being rude,” and the idea of words taken in one context vs. another can fall into that category. A less loaded example might be “don’t talk about graphic sex or use foul language in front of children.” These are both something that you can say in one context, but in my opinion, is inappropriate in the other.
hugs and love dear.
Recognizing when you cross a line is part of the healing proscess and does indeed show progress, even though it brings the attention to the fact that we aren’t done healing.
Not that you need me to be, but I am proud of you.