Monthly Archives: May 2006

I guess I’m not going to wait.

I had this flash into why I wanted to do the rename. As cute and sassy as rightkindofbrat is, it is also something that I know I would grow weary of. I would get tired of the ‘hehe hehe you’re a brat’ pretty quickly. The point wasn’t that I am just a brat. And as much as the suggestions were well meaning, I have no interest in being identified as a virago or a bitch. Because those things aren’t me either. I’m so many many things. I have fought for years to be ok with who and what I am because people have always told me that I wasn’t right. I wasn’t submissive enough, I wasn’t respectful enough, I wasn’t quiet enough … hell I’ve been told I am the wrong kind of slutty.

But you know what? I am not wrong about any of it. I am exactly the right thing that I am supposed to be. I understand Jaguar’s objection to being the “right kind” of anything, but damnit–I am the right kind of me.

I am the right kind of me.

Rob tells us Virgos:

It’s a good time to work on your moon tan. I suggest you put on abathing suit and find a place where the moon can beam down on you for awhile. As you bask in its glow, periodically turning over to let itsaturate every part of your body, imagine that soaking up the lunarvibes will deepen and tone your emotional life, enhance yourreceptivity, make you a wiser nurturer, and build up your knack foradjusting deftly to change.

Ironic considering I CAN’T SLEEP!!!!

I answered this in several journals so I should share the love.

Leave a comment in my LJ listing each of the numbers that indicatesyour thoughts/feelings towards me. Then leave this meme in your own LJ.

0= I don’t know you.
1= I like you.
2= I love you!!
3= You are funny.
4= You are cool.
5= I don’t really care for your personality.
6= I want to fuck you.
7= You are sexy!
8= You’re a sweetheart.
9= I want to get to know you better.
10= I hope you die.
11= Marry me, PLEASE?
12= Let’s makeout.

Thinking about it.

So I mentioned that I have been thinking that this nick doesn’t quite fit me and a few people agreed. Now I am going to put it forth to ya’ll (one of thos blatant requests for input):

What do you think might fit me?

SlutPrincess has been suggested (what is funny is that was a friend’s password on all her accounts for a long time)
but I don’t know that I want another nick with the word slut in it. It gets old.

However, RightKindOfBrat isn’t taken. 🙂

Any other suggestions? I’ve been thinking I should change it for over a year and I have taken no steps so who knows if/when it will happen. I will have to find something I really like because frankly this nick has an excessively large recognition factor in a lot of different communities for me at this point.

I’m it!

*grin* Thanks for noticing me loren_q

6 Weird Things About Me You May Not Know

1. I would rather burn candles than turn on a light switch. When I am home by myself I often have 30+ candles burning because I want it to be bright but I dislike artificial light. The weird thing is I feel self conscious doing it with anyone else around. I think this has been one of the things I have appreciated the most about living alone. I don’t have to worry about what anyone else thinks about what I am doing.

2. I reread the book Walk in My Soul by Lucia St.Clair Robson at least once a year, usually more like two or three times a year. I always sob through the last 20 or so pages so hard that I can barely see enough to keep reading. For some reason this book touches me more than any other.

3. My ears were pierced for the first time when I was about 18 months old. The second piercings were done when I was 12. The third when I was 18. And I can’t wear earrings in any set of holes because I get infections within a day.

4. I still listen to songs on repeat for days. I have never grown up. In the past few months I have had days where the focus has been : “Boyfriend” by Ashlee Simpson (don’t ask), “Ever the Same” by Rob Thomas, and “On Again Off Again On AgainTonight” by Trent Willmon. Good stuff.

5. A lot of people know that I am somewhat picky about what I eat, but most people don’t understand that most of the time it isn’t about taste/flavor. I can’t handle weird textures. Slimey, weirdly crunchy, or anything that feels sharp. If something is too odd in my mouth it can make me throw up. This is why I don’t eat stuff that feels weird in my mouth. And it seems to be arbitrary. I can’t handle the texture of onions or seafood. *shiver* God it’s nasty.

6. I’m not actually terribly into boots. And I’m specifically not into high heeled boots. I like military style boots a lot on other people, and engineer boots well enough. I have this nick because Tom and I sat around and exchanged ideas because he hated the one I used from high school. I think this nick doesn’t fit me but I don’t know what would. Any suggestions?

I’m supposed to tag people, so I will. But keep in mind my darlings that this is just a suggestion. How about: danaoshee, doctorcurly, evilcyber, ihotpockets, loupyone, and rpage.

Comfortably numb

Last night I took advantage of the last night I will be able to go to BaGG for a while. I start full time teaching on Monday and I am so incredibly wasted right now that it would be irresponsible to do this to myself when I have a full day of work instead of just an hour.

I dressed up, or down depending on how you look at it. I wore lace panties, a lace body stocking, and a fishnet shirt. So I was arguably covered, but in body hugging see-through material. It took two shots of tequila to talk myself into leaving the house dressed like that. I was having a huge argument with myself over whether I am hot or not. I am not terribly brazen most of the time though I have been working at changing that. More times than not I hate my body. But I just didn’t feel like wearing my normal dowdy dresses. I wanted the admiring looks and the compliments and I know that the way to get them is to show off. I think that if Google Boy had given even .0001 of an ounce of anything that was less than totally reassuring I would have caved to my fear. But he off-handedly proclaimed that I looked great so I sucked up my liquid courage and went.

I talked to people. I didn’t do much flirting with anyone other than GB. I danced for a little while with a really sweet guy who has a beautiful smile and who is willing to swing dance with me! He can stay. 😀 I did hit on the dead guy though. (Long story) I ran into someone I know from vanilla dance events who was a bit surprised to see … so much of me … Yikes.

The ride home involved lots of talking. It’s a long drive and I decided to be nice and for once work to keep the driver awake. It is interesting to me to do storytelling these days about myself. I live so much of my life very publicly that it feels odd that people don’t know my story already. I forget that I am constantly meeting new people and they don’t know my stories yet. I always feel self-conscious when I tell the bad ones. I would rather just focus on the easy stuff, like sex, because that is less likely to make people feel bad.

Last night was interesting though because I felt more distant from a lot of the bad stuff than I remember feeling before. I was an unhappy, miserable, angry child–but that is all over now. Now I am so very happy. I am close to contentment (I just want to finish my Masters). And I am rarely angry. I do get cranky way too often, but that isn’t the same thing. 🙂 I think what I am having the hardest time with these days is the fact that I know I am cranky and I lash out at people in weird ways, but most of the time I feel happy. I wish I could maintain my level of happiness with more consistency. That is my next big self-improvement goal: how to minimize the cranky! I think that I feel happy most of the time these days because I am genuinely happy at work. I feel accomplished and competent and successful here. Not to mention that my coworkers are constant rays of sunshine and my kids are pretty freakin rockin. I won’t always have classes that are this cool so I am trying to appreciate it.

Today I am tired. Bone weary. Getting out of bed and out of the house was very difficult because there was a wonderful snuggly boy there. I feel like I am drifting through a fog. But it is a fog with pretty colors floating in and around it. Tonight I am sleeping all by myself. It is good and bad. I won’t have as much distraction tomorrow morning to make it so hard to go to work. 🙂 I get to spend basically all weekend with my Noah. Life is good. I need sleeeeeeeeeeep.

Positive

This morning I said some things to my love that were hard to say. I don’t know that I would have been able to say them to someone else. But because I can say those things to him I know he is the right one.

Last night I found out that a boy I had totally written off as uninterested is actually very interested and has not been able to get me out of his head. Ha. Too bad I’m not available darling. But it is still an ego boost.

I get to see someone tonight who makes me smile and laugh and feel giddy. This NRE stuff is AWESOME.

I have gotten to be supportive of a friend going through a rough patch right now and I feel good that I can provide that even with my hectic life.

Seventeen of my students passed the reading quiz today. Two others tried hard but didn’t quite pass. Of the remaining twelve students only one was present the day we got the books and today. (So eleven kids either don’t have the book yet or were absent today. Attendence is an issue for my school.) I know that at least six of those kids will take it tomorrow and probably pass. If my prediction is correct I will have twenty three passing grades on the first quiz of the unit. Yes, out of thirty two. You think that sounds kind of sucky? Well, three of the nine who will fail it haven’t been in class for the past two months and there is no hope for them. My kids are actually doing really well. Many of the teachers in my department have as many or more kids with F’s and they have smaller classes. (Freshman teachers have 17-20 kids per class and they each have at least nine kids failing.) For the most part my kids are trying. I am very proud of them. They were awesome in class today. They asked me questions about the book and were attentive and participated. I walked out of class with a huge smile.

Today is such a good day.

Suck.

I failed part two of the comps. 🙁

*sigh* I can take it again, but I really wanted to be just done. *sigh*

And I am about halfway into the paper due on Thursday. I am not exactly feeling all confident in my intelligence anymore tonight. I find it funny that the head of the department called me when I passed and emailed me when I failed. Pussy.

{dirty} event!

Noah and I are going to this event on Saturday. Our tickets allow us to bring one person for free who has never been to the event before. If you are interested you need to write me something dirty telling me why I should take you with us.

Comments screened. 🙂

(Oh for those who don’t like links so much: the event is Naughty. The theme is threesomes. Naughty is a way fun party, probably one of my favorites here in the bay area. A while ago I wrote this about it on tribe when someone asked how Naughty compares to Black Sheets:
“Naughty is never going to take the place of Black Sheets. The vibes are simply too different. Most of the BS people want to show up, get naked, and spend the whole time being more free love-ish. Naughty appreciates the ‘dirty’ part about sex in public. At BS I always felt like I was a free love sort of hippy chick just enjoying the “vibe.” At Naughty I got to be a nasty, filthy little slut who couldn’t control herself in public who will let some guy (ok I know him and think he is fucking hot and wonderful) tell me to go lick his girlfriend out because he wanted to watch. I just didn’t have that happen at BS…”

You know this sounds hot…)

Scheduling

In discussing what is going to be happening in my life in the next year I have come to see that I can’t maintain my current breakneck speed of “stuff.” I am only going to work 2 or 3 faires. I am only going to be at Dickens for two weekends. I need more time for my personal life than I would have if I actually did all that I want to do.

I want to have a life outside of faire/fair.

Taking risks.

We are starting One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest today and as part of an into activity I emulated Nurse Ratched. They had to stand in an alphabetical straight line and I insisted that it be completely straight. Anyone who talked in any way got their name on the board for detention. I gave people so much grief. I was a nasty witch. I let no one talk in any way. It was scary for me. I had a hard time doing it. By the end I cracked. My face was totally red and I kind of panicked. I had to let them in on what I was doing. We debriefed and talked about the experience. We talked about how they felt. About how much they would have taken before they totally rebelled. I don’t know that they would have though. I think they would have just taken it and taken it. I was really skirting the line of pushing too hard.

It was hard to do. I’m still shaking. They thought it was very impressive though. They liked it as an exercise. 🙂 Scary. 🙂