Monthly Archives: June 2006

Postcards and phone calls and mess, oh my!

Ok, if you see this post you need to send me your address today in an email. PLEASE assume I don’t have it. (Hard drive crashes, rebuilds not happening… all suck.) If you have an email, use whatever you have. If you haven’t got one: this nick @ livejournal DOT com works. 🙂

And a request: I’m going to be sending little pieces of travelogue to different people in postcards. It would be really cool if people would copy that portion onto their lj with a tag: Krissy’s travelogue. 😀 How’s that for a meme? When I get back I will cut’n’paste the stuff I sent to everyone and put it all in a big nifty piece for me to keep. 🙂 Perty please!

Yay!

*bounce*

Oh, and I plan to be off-line for the next three weeks. I plan to check email no more than once a week (it will mean I actually go do things) so even when I do check it I probably won’t respond. I won’t be checking lj or anything at all so if you want me to see something eventually shoot me an email with the link and I’ll make sure I check it when I get home.

Additional note: this whole going offline thing is hard and scary for me. For the first 9 days I really am going to be on my own as the NY people I know may not really be up for much. Phone calls would be great. If you think of me and want to say hi: just call and say that. I would really appreciate feeling loved sporadically throughout the trip. In case you don’t have it, my number is: 408-202-4083. If you call I will give you a suuuuuuper detailed description of what I am looking at so that you can feel like you are with me. 🙂

Oh! And! If you come over to the house to see Noah, please ignore the mess. I have had about three days to unpack and I just haven’t been able to get much done. 🙁

A quick babble

I had a lovely weekend. I got to spend some time with multiple really awesome people. Snuggly time. Time walking and talking with a really terrific girl. Time driving around admiring houses with another spiffy girl. Lots and lots of Noah time–not enough, but that is the state of my life right now.

This weekend it was pointed out to me that my level of social connectedness is highly unusual. What a strange thought. Me? Have lots of friends? Whatever happened to the prophesy that no one would ever like me because I am such an awful person? Guess mom was wrong again. 🙂

I’m looking at a beautiful bouquet of roses. I’m glancing around my messy living room and deciding how I want to clean it today. How I want to paint it next month. What I think it will look like in 5 years.

I am so very happy.

Hey everyone!

Clicky on this link and pass it along. I am so about encouraging this kind of thing.

http://www.pleasemakethiswork.com/

(The story is: this guy made a website and if he gets 5 million hits his girlfriend will participate in a threesome. I’m so into this idea. heh. The site is overall worksafe though there is a little video where they talk about it a bit. No indecent pictures or anything.)

Hey! Cool!

A friend posted his grades today and that prompted me to think about mine.

Not too sucky! Yay!

Twentieth Century Poetry: A
Seminar in Performance Culture: A-
Seminar in the History of Rhetoric: A-

Now, if only they didn’t subtract for -s. Damnit. Only a 3.8.

But my overall GPA at this school is 3.54. This isn’t superb, but it’s respectable.

Busy busy busy

The last couple weeks have involved many a deviation from my plans, but such is life.

I now own a really spiffy Prius. Yay! I walked onto a lot and said, “I want!” And he went and got it for me. How cool is that? No waiting for me.
I moved in with Noah. It happened faster than we planned, but my life works like that. I now get the daunting task of making this house somewhere I am happy living. 🙂 I forsee lots of painting and fixing up in my future. Not till July though. It has to wait until after New York.
Oh, I leave for New York in seven days. *squeel*

Today I need to:
Unpack more and start getting settled.
Get the last load from my apartment.
Turn in my keys.
Have dinner with a friend.
Stress over weird drama with a boy I’m having a date with on Friday. (Ok, I don’t need to do this–but I will.)
Oh, and I need to go see the jeweler to see if I like the mock up of the ring. You know–the ring.

No rest for the wicked

Still sick.
Need to buy a car before Monday
I’m really upset about not knowing about my job. I cried when I left.
I leave for New York in 11 days and I’m still not sure what I’m doing/where I’m sleeping.
There are bugs of some sort infestingmy couch. I’m thinking that it needs to just *go* today.
I have to start thinking about moving.
Toooooooooooo much else to think about
Shit. looks like the bugs are not just in the couch. fuck fuck fuck.

Buckshot

So hey–Short List people!

Tonight my boys are off doing stuff and I don’t feel so hot. So I am hereby letting people know that I would be interested in spending some time with someone tonight. 🙂

Caveats: I’m sick. This is a strictly no hanky panky offer. I don’t really want to drive because: I’m sick.

So, anyone want to come pat me on the head and sit in the hot tub with me?

I’ve answered this 4 times

So I should post it too.

There’s at least 1 person on your LiveJournal that wants to dateyou, play with you or sleep with you. So lets play…….. FRIENDSw/BENEFITS

The rules are simple…

If you want to date the person who posts this send them a msg saying “I want to date you”

Ifyou want to play with the person who posts this send them a msg saying”I want to play with you” and say if you want to be top or bottom andwhat activities you want to do.

If you just want to sleep with the person and stay friends, send them a message that says “Let’s have sex some time, OK?”

SCARED??? You ONLY live ONCE!

I’ll screen this one. I know there are quite a few people on my list who don’t like to air their dirty laundry to everyone.

Schmoop

I was informed that I don’t talk enough about Noah. Ok, so that isn’t exactly how that information was conveyed–but close enough so I am going to call it that.

Noah rocks my world. He is supportive and caring and he sees me. He thinks I am the right kind of bitchy. 🙂 He loves me so much that it amazes and delights me. How did I get so lucky? I believe he is the best man for me. That said there are some things coming up which I am not ready to talk about quite yet. But those of you who are totally shocked that stuff is happening with Noah–get over it. 😛

And Noah, I still won’t wear red then. 😛

{school} Masks

Yesterday I had the privelege of grading my juniors’ final papers. Our last book was One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest and a lot of our discussion centered around what makes someone crazy. Do people feel that they are viewed by others as being different than they really are? (Chief views McMurphy as being “special” but McMurphy shows no signs of feeling that way about himself.)

The papers were truly awesome. I told them to use their natural voice and tell me about some way in which they think people do not see who they really are. Spelling irregularities sky rocketed (coz for because, noe for know) but their grammar mistakes all but disappeared. It was very interesting. I told them that grammar and spelling were not going to be graded on this paper because I wanted them to not stress about formality and instead just focus on thinking about ways they feel like they are not being seen. The paper could be done as an essay, a story, or a journal entry. I received all three from different people. They were good.

My kids shared some of their most hurtful moments with me, some of the things they feel the most conflicted about because they aren’t sure if they are being honest or lying when their behavior changes somewhat from circumstance to circumstance. I heard about one boy’s torment because he is Muslim and a leader in the Muslim community (he is one of the most charismatic leaders I have ever met in my life–this boy is going to do something with his life and I want to keep in touch with him to see it) but he is experiencing a serious crisis of faith. He feels that the work he is doing in the Muslim community is something he wants to do with people in general and not focus on religion because he doesn’t feel he can have faith in something as ephemeral as religion instead he has faith in humanity. One of my boys talks about how his behavior radically changes from friends group to friends group because he is terrified of being alone and when he feels like he has disappointed someone he punishes himself by locking himself into a closet for hours so he has to suffer through being alone. One of my girls talks about the pressure of being “the good daughter” as she is working almost full time to help her family out financially while her mother is back in school to become a teacher. Another girl worries about letting her father down (he is a Pastor) if anyone from her church ever sees her as anything other than perfectly respectful and polite. My latino boys actually talked about the pressure to “be a man” while wanting to appreciate things that are gentle and kind. One girl shared how she is afraid that she is now a bully because in order to avoid getting beaten up again and again she started fighting back and initiating fights.

I could go on and on. The papers were touching and inspirational. They ranged in length from an awkward page and a half to six pages. (I gave no minimum or maximum.) Most averaged around three pages, which is quite a bit for my kids. I’m sad that a few of my F kids didn’t turn in a final paper because I want to know what they believe about themselves, but there isn’t much I can do about it. Watching this group of kids through this year has been a truly amazing thing and I am so grateful that I have had the opportunity to know them. I know I’m going to break down crying in class today when I tell them goodbye.

Stress

After lots of talk about all the crap I have going on in my life I have come to the conclusion that much of my stress is self-imposed. I feel like should be doing something or other. Well, I need to cut it out.

So I have decided that dancing is the first thing to go. I love dancing, but I haven’t been able to go and I am beating myself up over it. I need to stop being upset. I will make it again eventually, but until then I need to not put myself down for it. I don’t think I will actually do faire or fair this year as anything other than a customer. 🙁

I’m not going to Portland in June. Until I leave for New York I will be hanging out at my house reading and swimming and just generally catching up on rest. If you would like to come over, feel free to ask but I’m not really going to be making any social events. Saturday the 10th I have a mellow pool party during the afternoon/evening and Sunday the 11th is a family bbq (please god let my mother be civil) and Saturday the 17th I have some super secret plans and other than that I am free. I don’t really want to go out. I need a break.

The people who have been waiting to pounce on me for a date–I’m sorry but I just don’t think I can do it. If I’m not up for it by now I probably won’t be anytime in the forseeable future. Eventually I will want to go hunting again and I know who is interested. I’m really content with Noah and Spot for the forseeable future. 🙂 Yay. Marcie may have it totally right–two relationships are all that are really sustainable.

Moving is hanging over my head like the sword of Damocles. Must figure that out soon. The idea of moving stresses me out almost more than actually moving does. It’ll be ok though. 🙂 Somehow.

I think that is all that I can let go of right now.

{therapy} Shrink visit and cathartic play

Yesterday I went to see my therapist and she opened with, “I want to give you the quick and dirty answer to whether I will see your mom first: no. Now let me explain…” We talked about how she wouldn’t exactly be fair with my mom so there isn’t much point in having the session happen. That made me happy. This conversation actually took a little bit. 🙂 Then I said: “I’ve had an eventful two weeks! I found out that my step-mother died and that no one thought I would care so they didn’t tell me. I called my mom for the first time in six months and drama ensued. I had an enormously stressful trip to Chicago which included some huge triggering things and a blow up at the end and such fucked up travel that we left a day late and almost returned a day late. My car blew up. My apartment flooded.” Her response? “Wow. You’ve been busy.” Smartass.

We spent a while talking about the situation with japlady‘s dad. Whether she wants to admit it or not he has a condecending tone of voice and that is hard for me to swallow ever let alone when I haven’t slept well in days, haven’t eaten a meal that agrees with me in days, have been in majorly stressful situations over and over for days, and just generally am away from home so I feel kind of off-balance. In talking about my reaction to him we couldn’t come up with anyone he reminds me of exactly. Yes, the situation japlady lives with is similar to what my father would have been willing to do me but it never actually happened so I don’t know if that is much of it. I know that I hate how he treats her and I hold a lot of anger towards him for that reason. (Yes, japlady doesn’t believe the anger is warranted–but when has that stopped me?) It is huge and complicated and messy. We also got around to the part that the only thing I really dislike about japlady is the name dropping and her father does it more/worse than she does. So I probably resented not only that he was doing it but that he fostered this habit in someone I otherwise think is so totally terrific. I don’t have full resolution on this issue yet in my head so I am going to keep thinking on it. I feel like the conclusions I have reached so far are very superficial and I am not confident that I have hit the meat of the matter.

Then we move on to last night. I played with a good friend on Wednesday knowing that I was going to be playing with her again last night. She has recently gone through a really bad breakup and I have been aware that she is really hurting emotionally. I also know that she is a very heavy masochist. I don’t know how or why I decided to be arrogant enough to try and help her process through some of her stuff, but I did. On Wednesday I tried to take her down hard and fast and get her to cry in a gut wrenching sort of way and it worked. I tested the waters to see how much anger would come up when I started hurting her like that. Oh, I did it by punching her. Punching is a very primal and overwhelming sort of way to be hurt, and I hit rather hard. When she started getting to a really angry place on Wednesday I kept up my litany of telling her that she is a good girl, but other than that I didn’t really get into a dialogue about what was coming up for her. Last night I did. Before we started playing I told her that I was going to be asking her why I was beating her and the answer I wanted her to give is: “Because I’m a good girl.” I gave her a little bit of a warm up with spanking and light punching before switching to canes. Not very far into the scene I asked her why I was doing it and she couldn’t tell me that she was a good girl. She started getting into negative self-talk repeating things that were said to her during her horrible break up. Things about her being bad. I stopped hitting her. I turned her around and held her face up close to mine and told her that I would not hit her again if she believed that I was doing it because she was bad. I told her I would never ever reinforce that idea in her brain. It took a little more talking but eventually she started to be able to say that she was good and I resumed the scene. We went back and forth talking as I beat the living crap out of her about how the negative things he told her were wrong. That she is good and deserving. She was very upset and screamed out a lot of her rage and pain generating from how she was treated. After a while I started ramping up harder and harder. I am not a weak girl and I was hitting her just about as hard as I am capable. Towards the end she was Not Having Fun anymore and that was my goal. I told her that I wanted her to tell me to stop. That I want her to have the power to say that when she isn’t enjoying it anymore that it needs to end. At first she resisted and said she couldn’t but after a few more minutes she finally could ask me to stop.

I spent almost as much time crying during this scene as she did. It was tremendously difficult to do, but I feel very good about having done it. After I stopped beating her I pulled her to the ground and started telling her again how much I love her. I asked some of her women friends to join me in telling her so and how strong she is.

I think that a good way to understand just how far I pushed her was encapsulated when Spot said later, “Everything I have read has said you don’t do that.” Yeah. SM play is a very scary beast. When you are experiencing as much physical pain as she was in you are opening up your mind and spirit to be receptive to things that normally just aren’t available to you. It is very rare that I play that heavily and I would only attempt a scene where I knew I was working towards such catharsis with someone I have known as long and as well as I have known this person. If I had not spent so many years seeing how her relationship worked and knowing the kind of self-talk she does I wouldn’t have done this. But I do feel ok with the fact that I did this with her. I actually feel really good about it.

Honey–I love you. Thank you for opening yourself to me this way. I hope I get to continue to know you for a very long time.

And thank you to the girl who stretched herself sooooo much by being there and participating to the level you did. I know how hard it was for you and I have only love and admiration for your courage and strength and giving heart. Thank you.

hotness

Last night at Naughty was incredibly fun. It was a really small party–probably because of bridge closure and the beach event drawing off many regulars. But I still had a truly wonderful time. The wedding was silly and fun. The sex was hot. And someone brought out a nitrous canister at the end of the night. Heh. Good times. Spot (The role of Google Boy will now be filled by Spot. Long and funny story. 🙂 had a good time so I consider his first play party a success. Yay! We got home at 5. I think he got in about 3 1/2 hours of sleep before we couldn’t handle the SUPER BRIGHT LIGHT from the skylight right over us. *sigh* (I got a little more sleep because I slept on the way home.)

Today I attempted to break my sedentary pattern. I tried to run. Spot mocked the crap out of me because we were out for just over 30 minutes and only 7 minutes were spent actually running. My only consolation is that the dog I am taking care of wore out before me. HA!

SO Funny

I just had this exchange with a guy on okcupid:

GREAT Pics! May I save one for some home-office self entertainment? I wanted to be nice and ask first.
*blink*
You want to do what?
well, you are VERY pretty I think …
*blink* Are you asking me if you can wank looking at my picture?
if you are uncomfortable, say no.
*laugh*
You wouldn’t be the first.
Sure, have fun.
excellent!