On the net today there is a picture of me. The caption says:
“There are some people who wear T-shirts saying “Fight Censorship” andother people who take off their clothes in public, and refuse to putband aids over their nipples when asked to.”
I didn’t have the t-shirt on.
We had a great Dore Alley
We are still making steady progress on the less-suck relationship wise. There have been a couple of remarkably good days with Noah and Spot and I had a nice dinner then Ikea run last night cause I was getting impatient on the no-date-for-a-while thing. Ok, I don’t hate them anymore. And the house is getting steadily less awful in my view and my view is the one that matters on this one. 😉 Being able to see visible progress on the mess is significantly helping my mental health actually as it lowers a lot of my anxiety. I really don’t handle living in a mess well. I’m still ignoring some of the filth because a lot of it isn’t worth dealing with right now because we are going to be painting soon and changing the carpeting.
I’m still having nightmares about being unprepared for school. I think this is getting ridiculous. I’m almost to a point in the house where I’m going to switch to school prep for a week or three. 🙂
They killed WASH!!!! I HATE THEM ALL!!!!!!!!!
With some pretense (God I can’t spell today) of notice I hereby let the short list know: I don’t have plans for Friday night and I am interested in finding them. I’m probably not up for a huge party, but I might be. I dinno. I would just like to see some at least one person that I massively like.
Comments are screened.
So we’re up to 8 days of suck. It’s been exciting. But we’ve also been steadily making progress. We’ve figured out how to work around my, “I don’t announce in a group that I am upset–EVER” thing in order to usefully communicate. That was good. We’ve talked more about how time should be spent in general at group events. We have talked a lot about what we each want from play and how to get there. And last night we made up an Actual Rule. We modeled it off a friend. His rule is that he can’t date anyone crazier than him cause HE is the psycho in the relationship. We modified that a bit. Noah isn’t allowed to date anyone crazier than me. I’m the psycho in his life. This pleases me, because as much as I am crazy–I don’t deny this–I’m a fairly low drama crazy. Other crazy chicks are very high drama and they make my life suck. No more. 🙂
And you know, the best part? That as we are going through some conversations that are not fun and not easy to have, well they are getting easier. I’m feeling less defensive and hostile before we even begin cause he is actually listening to me and responding to my concerns on an ongoing basis, so why get hostile? And boy my throat is happy about the lower volumes. I think I’m picking the right boy.
Oh, and Angela, Joe, and Ali–thank you. Thank you more than I can ever express. I love you all soooo much. I’m grateful that you are my friends. Thank you for listening to my angst and hurt and helping me get through them to the useful parts.
“I think most people want their partner to want things from them, to be engaged.”
Ok. What do I want?
It’s been a week since I managed to create a dramatic situation that could have been dealt with by a simple, “Hey, I would like some attention.” But no, I can’t do that. All I can do is feel bad and rejected when people don’t intuitively know that I am feeling lonely. All I can hear is, “You are too difficult to play with.” All I can do is feel like nothing is going to ever work out. I don’t know why that lovely euphoric coasting through my terrific relationships and life had to end, but it did with a bang. And now I feel like I am an awful person and I am treating both of my boys badly. I don’t really want to go anywhere so I’m seriously cramping Noah’s style. I just wish that I could just stop feeling this way. I want to be the happy-cheerful-‘on’ person that people like me to be, but I suck at it long term. I just can’t fill that role the way they want. And so I feel even worse about myself because I am dissappointing my partners.
I can tell this is going to be another bad day. At least I am going to just be alone for it. I hate inflicting my patheticness on people.
This may get long and will certainly get hostile, so if the possibility of reading such from me bothers you… don’t read it.
1. I hate to vacuum.
Truth (When I was in a 24/7 M/s relationship it was part of my contract that I did not have to vacuum. That was the one household task my owner was responsible for. I really hate to vacuum.)
2. I eat McDonald’s in every country I travel to.
Truth (I really do! I like to see what is different on the menu and eat that. They had a cool chicken/pineapple sandwich in Australia.)
3. In the third grade I was beaten every day at school.
Truth (For a combination of swearing and not doing the work up to standards. I just would not conform to what they wanted. I hate Oklahoma.)
4. I am the youngest of four children.
Truth (This one is sort of a technicality. I was born the youngest of four. One of my elder brothers has died.)
5. During my lifetime I have attended 31 schools.
Truth (Yup, my mom is a crazy bitch.)
6. I am a high school drop out.
Truth (I technically dropped out in my freshman year and then again my junior year. I never came back after the first semester of my junior year.)
7. I spent many/most of my formative years not living with my nuclear family.
Truth (My mom would send me to live with different people all through my childhood. I spent most of the time with my aunt and uncle, but often I lived with family friends–some of whom I didn’t really know before I was sent to live with them.)
8. As a teenager I pierced my ear with a needle in my bedroom.
Truth (I was angsty and shit.)
9. I have been admitted to psych wards multiple times.
Truth (Yup. I am actually certifiable. I had a few break downs when I was 15. It was a bad year.)
10. I am obsessed with movies and books that depict Christian theology.
Truth (Very much so. I feel a lot of connection to the religion that rejected me. I’ve always been fascinated by this stuff that entraps millions.)
11. I have a high school diploma.
Truth (I earned it through doing college courses and then I showed up at the graduation and freaked people out. It was funny.)
12. I was interviewed twice about my reaction to Clinton being elected as President during his initial inauguration.
Truth (I was in Washington DC with my middle school on a field trip. For some reason multiple tv crews picked me to interview. I completely made an ass of myself because I didn’t know shit about politics and I made stuff up. I’m kind of lame.)
13. In high school the vice principal walked in while I and three friends were playing strip hearts and he didn’t stop us.
Truth (Yeah, the techies at my high school got away with murder.
14. I once took Karate classes for six weeks but I had to stop for emotional reasons.
Truth (I kicked a boy and made him cry–I was supposed to do this–I couldn’t live with myself for making a boy twice my size cry.)
15. I was thrown into a pool before I was a year old and not retrieved.
Truth (I learned to swim before I could walk. My sister was an evil person… wait, what is this ‘was’??)
16. I have twice left on three week trips and ended up coming home early because I couldn’t handle the homesickness.
Truth (Australia when I was 19 and NY a few weeks ago…)
17. I have left the country to travel with someone I had maybe four dates with before the trip.
Truth (It was a very awkward trip. I wish that I would have had better communication skills at the time. I really sucked. Thanks for not hating me Chris!!)
18. I have gone to another country with an ex when we otherwise weren’t speaking.
Truth (Tom and I won a trip to Ireland and it was scheduled way out and we went anyway even though I broke up with him. It was complicated.)
19. I have broken my left arm twice and my right arm once.
Truth (When I was 6, 12, and 18. When I was 6 I was thrown off the monkey bars. When I was 12 I fell off a tv stand because I was rooting around high in a cupboard trying to figure out what my mom had hidden in it. When I was 18 I was dropped as Tom prepped me for my first suspension. Suck. I’m almost through my 24th year, I’m praying I break the 6 year cycles…)
20. I have more had more than 125 stitches in my body.
Truth (I have stitches on my foot, my eyebrow, and my cheek. I was attacked by a pit bull when I was 5. Yay for good surgeons giving me back a face.)
21. My hair was completely straight when I was a child.
Truth (Puberty was not kind to me. I used to have OPTIONS!!!!)
22. I was an assistant stage manager for the same show twice in six months.
Truth (I hate Oliver! with a passion though I still sing the songs.)
23. I managed to randomly flirt with a complete stranger on OkCupid and later discover that I was the fourth girl that he and my primary had dated at the
same time.
Truth (It was trippy. I have to say that one of the girls they shared was a total loser, another is now a man, one is me, and the other seems very cool. I bet I would like her.)
24. I have never passed out from drinking alcohol.
False! (I did this in January. I’m not proud. Damn you Dan.)
25. I have dated people who were no longer the gender they were born.
Truth (The comment: “I bet you did more than date…” Was rather apropos.
26. I flipped a student off in class.
Truth (Oh it was bad. They never let me live it down…)
27. My brother once deliberately encouraged one of his friends to beat me up because he wanted to watch.
Truth (I hated Tommy. He was such a bastard.)
28. I can’t swim in a dark pool at night without being terrified that some monster is going to eat me.
Truth (Jaws scarred me for life.)
29. I have walked on ground that was probably never walked on by a human before.
Truth (I went backpacking in remote areas of Alaska where we had to fly a small plane to get there. It was cool.)
30. I went skinny dipping in Australia outside the shark net area.
Truth (I didn’t want to dig out my bathing suit but I wanted to at least get in the water right before I went home. And they weren’t that hip on skinny dipping so I went outside the main swimming area. It freaked me out, but I did it!!)
I saw this as a meme when I was journal-surfing. I liked it. I will now tell you 30 things and only one of them will be untrue. Comments will be screened for 48 hours as people guess which one they think is a lie. I will respond to the comments (And keep them screened) until the end of that period when the winner(s) will get some sort of prize to be determined later.
1. I hate to vacuum.
2. I eat McDonald’s in every country I travel to.
3. In the third grade I was beaten every day at school.
4. I am the youngest of four children.
5. During my lifetime I have attended 31 schools.
6. I am a high school drop out.
7. I spent many/most of my formative years not living with my nuclear family.
8. As a teenager I pierced my ear with a needle in my bedroom.
9. I have been admitted to psych wards multiple times.
10. I am obsessed with movies and books that depict Christian theology.
11. I have a high school diploma.
12. I was interviewed twice about my reaction to Clinton being elected as President during his initial inauguration.
13. In high school the vice principal walked in while I and three friends were playing strip hearts and he didn’t stop us.
14. I once took Karate classes for six weeks but I had to stop for emotional reasons.
15. I was thrown into a pool before I was a year old and not retrieved.
16. I have twice left on three week trips and ended up coming home early because I couldn’t handle the homesickness.
17. I have left the country to travel with someone I had maybe four dates with before the trip.
18. I have gone to another country with an ex when we otherwise weren’t speaking.
19. I have broken my left arm twice and my right arm once.
20. I have more had more than 125 stitches in my body.
21. My hair was completely straight when I was a child.
22. I was an assistant stage manager for the same show twice in six months.
23. I managed to randomly flirt with a complete stranger on OkCupid and later discover that I was the fourth girl that he and my primary had dated at the same time.
24. I have never passed out from drinking alcohol.
25. I have dated people who were no longer the gender they were born.
26. I flipped a student off in class.
27. My brother once deliberately encouraged one of his friends to beat me up because he wanted to watch.
28. I can’t swim in a dark pool at night without being terrified that some monster is going to eat me.
29. I have walked on ground that was probably never walked on by a human before.
30. I went skinny dipping in Australia outside the shark net area.
A burner friend designed a poly/queer logo and I think it is simply beautiful. At the pressure of many of his circle he set up a cafe press shop and is selling stuff with it on them. I have already bought a t-shirt and I think it is really awesome so here ya’ll go with the link: http://www.cafepress.com/LetLoveHappen (I’m well aware that cafe press is rather sizest, but it is the best starting place he could come up with.)
Cause we need to let love happen.
I’ve been sitting here crying for most of the day. I haven’t really gotten anything else done. I’ve been thinking and thinking and thinking. I’ve been trying to take apart all the pieces of bad thoughts rolling around in my head. Trying to figure out what is true and what do I only fear is true.
What is true is that I feel like I can’t trust you. What did I tell you I would never do? I told you I wouldn’t compete. That either you chose me or you didn’t. Last night in a couple of ways there was a competition and I just lost. The ignoring me for the first hour wasn’t cool at all, but frankly I know that is something I need to take up with Erik as much as with you because you thought that there were going to be “turns” but that didn’t happen. I am really hurt that I hit your radar so little last night that you didn’t notice that I was just sitting there for an hour. Then you tried really hard to be more balanced and I tried so hard to get back into things and lighten up and just let go of the hurt. But when you fucked Debbie because I wasn’t up for it in the middle of the night you told me quite clearly that you don’t care what hole your dick goes in. I feel completely worthless.
And this morning when you wanted very much to be in between Debbie and I. Thank you for letting me know that it was more important to continue giving her attention than to give me some reassurance when you knew I wasn’t doing great.
I was abandoned last night more than once. And as the hurt of that was still stinging this morning you wanted to make sure that she kept getting attention. You know what? After she was the focus all fucking night long I don’t think she would have begrudged you paying attention to just me for five fucking minutes. But no. Apparently I don’t deserve that if someone more interesting is present. I asked you, I begged you for this not to happen because I told you that we would both lose. I don’t compete. But I still lost. And you lost my faith in you. Given how fucking hard I have been trying to build that faith and that you know how hard I have been trying this hurts so much.
I really don’t know what to do. I’m not going to leave you. I don’t want some stupid apology. I want to not feel worthless and inconsequential. I want to feel like I matter to you. You tell me all the time that I am the most important thing that has ever happened to you, but your actions… don’t agree.
I was looking at a friend’s photography site and I saw: http://www.photo.net/photodb/photo?photo_id=1115360 Go look. Be warned, there is nudity.
I think this is one of the most beautiful pictures I have seen in a very long time.
Don’t you hate those fucking Opportunities for Growth? They really suck. Sometimes they really really hurt in the moment. Sometimes you just want to say, fuck this. Feeling this way can’t be reasonable.
But it isn’t about the feelings be reasonable. Are the bad feelings fixable? Can you look at the problem and say, “What is it that I am missing/needing here?” Maybe it is going to hurt like a son of a bitch, but just maybe it will be worth it. Maybe they are worth it. Maybe. Gotta try though. Just have to.
She talks at about 300 words per minute. She often moves at the same basic speed. And when she is busy talking in a bizarre mix of Chinese (Mandarin) and English it is even more spastic.
She is one of my oldest and dearest friends. She is wonderful. A bigger pain in the ass I have never met–she outstrips japlady any day of the week and twice on Sunday for driving me crazy. It’s great. And she blows through town once or twice a year and expects me to drop any and everything I am doing to see her, and I always do.
Right now she is deciding which of my boys she is going to borrow tonight. I think she is the only female I have ever met who is on par for my sexual voracity and openness. We compare numbers and lists of boys the way some of my friends compare book titles. It’s fun. I have given her dozens of recommendations on each boy. We are waiting until they get home before she actually decides which she is going to borrow tonight. How often does one get to do something like this? Hell, I’m secretly hoping we find out the capacity of our bed. She’s a lot of fun. 🙂
Edit about 20 minutes later: more reason to love Debbie.
“You know what? Why bother picking one? Why don’t we all just swing?”
YAY!!!!
The tat seems to be doing much better than expected. It isn’t painful anymore but it is INCREDIBLY sensitive. It’s kind of nifty.
Thanks to a fabulous girl in the city I am reading, The Devil Wears Prada and loving it greatly. Yay.
Tonight I get to introduce one of my oldest friends to my boys and that should be fun. Hell, it will be great to see her. I think it has been a year this time. (She works on a cruise ship so I don’t see her much.)
I am having a real hard time making nice in a few places and I want to scream and punch people. Not necessarily the people I don’t want to deal with, just someone as a stand in to let out frustration. I’m not actually angry at the people I don’t want to deal with it’s just… complicated.
I am so angry with the city-centrists that I would like to say fuck you to all of them and stop going to anything in the city, ever. If you are so fucking selfish that ONE GOD DAMN TIME you won’t come to my house then fuck all of you fucking fucks. saljid;ljksdfljk;sdflj;kdsfljk;
Damn me and my unrealistic expectations. I need to stop looking at someone and saying, “I want you to do ‘x'” when I know they only signed up for ‘y’. *sigh*
I keep having nightmares about showing up on the first day of school without a syllabus. I feel so woefully unprepared for my whole life right now.
I have procrastinated the shit out of about a dozen things right now and I don’t know why. Normally I would be unpacked already, even with my busy schedule. I can’t seem to force myself to do it. I don’t know where the block is coming from. I haven’t sat down and made a budget. I haven’t started looking for a contractor. I haven’t dealt with my car. Just the thought of what I need to do makes me want to break down in tears.
I need to find some vicodin before my next tat appointment. Uhm… anyone?
Is it unreasonable for me to hide in my room and cry all day just out of anxiety and frustration? I don’t want to do all the things I need to do. I don’t want to think about having do deal with all of the people I have to deal with. I’m really tired of thinking about the people. Why can’t I just declare that I don’t like someone and not deal with them? Oh yeah. Social groups don’t work that way. *sigh*
All in one. Isn’t that convenient. So a while back I started talking about how I thought that I was moving towards being ready to get a tattoo and because I had in my head a picture of what I wanted. Well, here is the start of it: http://people.tribe.net/justsomegirl/photos/0984ce8e-c235-4542-b889-1d77d41e4c57
Ok, the story:
It’s a girl standing in front of a willow tree that happens to be bearing apples. Stay with me for a bit. The willow tree is meant to represent one that grew in front of the house my family lived in when I was about 9. That is when my brother had just been released from the hospital after being in a coma for a long time and going through minimal rehabilitation before he was shunted off to permanent live-in facilities. During this period my brother spent a lot of his time trying to kill me because he hated me for being normal. He had a traumatic brain injury the likes of which rarely manages to survive at all, let alone recover to the degree he did. But he was never “normal”. He had ataxia (spel?) which means that his entire body shook at all times and due to the trachiotamy (spel?) he didn’t speak in anything resembling a normal fashion. He really hated me. So I would climb into that tree and cry. My mother was rarely home because she worked long hours trying her very best to keep a roof over our heads. My sister was about 22 and had a very young child (
So there is a girl standing in front of a tree. A tree that has all the meaning in the world to me. A tree that in many ways saved my soul, and maybe even my life some days as Tommy chased me with knives. The girl in the picture is me, but specifically also not me. She is just a girl. She is someone who is also searching. Around her legs are brambles that have cut her legs. In the brambles are the things she has had to work through: hate, anger, and self-doubt. In the tree, attached to the apples (I actually didn’t 100% intend the Garden of Eden imagery it just kind of happened) are banners that will show what she is working so hard to get to. She is reaching for a fruit that bears the word, “forgive”. Others in the tree are: hope, love, trust, faith, and lust because these are all things I want in my life more than I can say. They aren’t things that are easy to reach for. In fact, I have to work very hard but it is worth all the pain and discomfort the process entails. She is naked because she no longer has shame. There is nothing behind her that she is going to hide herself from in any way.
There is hope ahead.
So that’s the story behind this tattoo. Today while I was getting it I discovered that I had no fucking clue how much such a thing was going to hurt. OHMYGOD. And I process pain in two basic ways, I make noise or I move around a lot. Guess what I can’t do while getting a tattoo? Yeah, no moving. So this left crying and yelling out my agony. This was fine for the first part as my artist had wanted me to come in before shop hours because he is leaving town this afternoon. When people started arriving for their day their hostility and irritation were palpable in the air. They yelled back more than once, “When are you going to be done with this one?” and one woman when walking by stated, “No one else would put up with this crap.” It is my nightmare come true to have people be angry with me for processing pain in the only way I know how. This is something I have some serious baggage about. So I started crying nearly hysterically because I had to be silent and that lead to some really deep emotional pain on top of the physical pain. We stopped early. That is why there is no ink on the top part of my back. I couldn’t work through the pain in such a hostile environment. We have agreed that all of my future work will start hours before the shop opens so that there will be no disapproval in the air. He is a fabulous artist and I am really glad I chose him, but his co-workers kind of suck. When we were done and I was crying and crying he held me close and stroked my hair and told me that it’s ok to cry. It’s ok to let out pain. I really like him. He sees my fight against being honest with my pain. I’m glad that if I am going to have continued agony it will be with him guiding me through it.
I was asked to go to the Plough tonight so I’m going to do it. I’m looking forward to seeing people! 🙂
(Click here to post your own answers for this meme.)
| × I miss somebody right now. (I miss many people) | ✓ I don’t watch much TV these days. (Shoot your tv.) | ✓ I own lots of books. |
| ✓ I wear glasses or contact lenses. | × I love to play video games. | ✓ I’ve tried marijuana. |
| ✓ I’ve watched porn movies. | × I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship. (Define psycho…) | ✓ I believe honesty is usually the best policy. (ALWAYS) |
| ✓ I curse sometimes. | ✓ I have changed a lot mentally over the last year. | × I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me. |