All in one. Isn’t that convenient. So a while back I started talking about how I thought that I was moving towards being ready to get a tattoo and because I had in my head a picture of what I wanted. Well, here is the start of it: http://people.tribe.net/justsomegirl/photos/0984ce8e-c235-4542-b889-1d77d41e4c57
Ok, the story:
It’s a girl standing in front of a willow tree that happens to be bearing apples. Stay with me for a bit. The willow tree is meant to represent one that grew in front of the house my family lived in when I was about 9. That is when my brother had just been released from the hospital after being in a coma for a long time and going through minimal rehabilitation before he was shunted off to permanent live-in facilities. During this period my brother spent a lot of his time trying to kill me because he hated me for being normal. He had a traumatic brain injury the likes of which rarely manages to survive at all, let alone recover to the degree he did. But he was never “normal”. He had ataxia (spel?) which means that his entire body shook at all times and due to the trachiotamy (spel?) he didn’t speak in anything resembling a normal fashion. He really hated me. So I would climb into that tree and cry. My mother was rarely home because she worked long hours trying her very best to keep a roof over our heads. My sister was about 22 and had a very young child (
So there is a girl standing in front of a tree. A tree that has all the meaning in the world to me. A tree that in many ways saved my soul, and maybe even my life some days as Tommy chased me with knives. The girl in the picture is me, but specifically also not me. She is just a girl. She is someone who is also searching. Around her legs are brambles that have cut her legs. In the brambles are the things she has had to work through: hate, anger, and self-doubt. In the tree, attached to the apples (I actually didn’t 100% intend the Garden of Eden imagery it just kind of happened) are banners that will show what she is working so hard to get to. She is reaching for a fruit that bears the word, “forgive”. Others in the tree are: hope, love, trust, faith, and lust because these are all things I want in my life more than I can say. They aren’t things that are easy to reach for. In fact, I have to work very hard but it is worth all the pain and discomfort the process entails. She is naked because she no longer has shame. There is nothing behind her that she is going to hide herself from in any way.
There is hope ahead.
So that’s the story behind this tattoo. Today while I was getting it I discovered that I had no fucking clue how much such a thing was going to hurt. OHMYGOD. And I process pain in two basic ways, I make noise or I move around a lot. Guess what I can’t do while getting a tattoo? Yeah, no moving. So this left crying and yelling out my agony. This was fine for the first part as my artist had wanted me to come in before shop hours because he is leaving town this afternoon. When people started arriving for their day their hostility and irritation were palpable in the air. They yelled back more than once, “When are you going to be done with this one?” and one woman when walking by stated, “No one else would put up with this crap.” It is my nightmare come true to have people be angry with me for processing pain in the only way I know how. This is something I have some serious baggage about. So I started crying nearly hysterically because I had to be silent and that lead to some really deep emotional pain on top of the physical pain. We stopped early. That is why there is no ink on the top part of my back. I couldn’t work through the pain in such a hostile environment. We have agreed that all of my future work will start hours before the shop opens so that there will be no disapproval in the air. He is a fabulous artist and I am really glad I chose him, but his co-workers kind of suck. When we were done and I was crying and crying he held me close and stroked my hair and told me that it’s ok to cry. It’s ok to let out pain. I really like him. He sees my fight against being honest with my pain. I’m glad that if I am going to have continued agony it will be with him guiding me through it.
That is truly stunningly beautiful, in both the symbology and meaning, and in the artwork. I look forward to seeing it go through the stages toward completion.
I’m sorry you had to deal with asshats, and hope that they don’t cause problems for you in the future.
Thank you honey. I’m looking forward to more work done at the asscrack of dawn to avoid the jerks. 🙂
Wow
The tattoo is beautiful; the story behind it, even more so.
Re: Wow
Thank you honey
This is stunning. Thank you for sharing.
Hey! You read my journal?! 😉
Wow. I had no idea you were thinking of such a large piece. It’s truly beautiful.
It’s the tree of my life. Could it be small?
not to you, dear. what a great attitude.
Oh my god that is gorgeous!
As for the people being assholes- while I haven’t got nearly as many tattooes as some people, nore as I will have some day, I have been interested in tattooes for a long time, and have spent a lot of time talking to tattooed people and tattoo artists. By an large I’ve found that the bigger the tattooes, the less people give you shit. Those sad little people yelling at you probably had their little hearts with names or their little butterflies and pixies or whathaveyou, and think that’s all there’s to it. I’ll bet you dollars to dimes that none of them have large, spiritual tattooes.
These were the other artists in the shop, not clients. These were the other people who were heavily tattoed.
http://www.momsbodyshop.com Barnaby. He is the best ever.
Are you kidding me? That is SO INCREDIBLY unprofessional! Barnaby should have a chat with them. My god!
Here‘s my guy. Might be along the style you like.
And hey. I like my faery. 😉 Though I wouldn’t yell at someone for making noise like that. I’d probably just run. Heh.
BTW, who’s your artist? I’m looking for an artist in the bay area to do my lizzards, but the only one I’ve found so far was here in Alameda and can you say OH MY GOD SCARY?
I’m proud of you.
Just wanted to tell you a bit of how I sometimes have had to deal with the pain when tattooing. It kinda depends on how hard it gets. When it is really getting difficult I pull my mind away from the pain. Being able to look at something colorful helps, tracing my eyes over something, thinking of the sensations in another part of my body, just finding anything else that I can put my attention into to pull it away from the pain and breathing as rhythmically and even as I can. You may be able to visualize things a bit better than I so creating something beatiful and comforting in your mind to stay in might help too.
I don’t know if these will help you. Maybe it will.
Take care sweets.
PS
It is beautiful. I love the little flowers.
One other thing I have noticed for myself is that line work seems to hurt more than fill in. May be the same for you.
X
Re: PS
I am praying to god that you are right about the line work vs fill in. I do have some line work left, but not much and I think it won’t be as bad. (I’m hoping.)
Thank you for the recommendations on how to process. I will try to follow your advice.
Re: PS
It’s a bit like the difference tween sting and thud. Line work just feels pokier.
Good luck with the next one sweets. You’re gonna be allright.
And fancier too when its done! Already some fancier. 😉
And you’re welcome.
X
Re: PS
Line work goes deeper and uses more needles at once(thus I was told by the gent who did mine). Shading hurt less for me, it was less sharp a feeling, more like a scrape than a stab.
That’s lovely, dear. All of it. *hugs*
*snuggle* I miss you already.
It’s beautiful. I look forward to it growing and changing as you get more done.
It is feeling very intimidating today that I am going to have to go through more agony in order to complete this vision of what I want on my body, what I feel needs to be there. But like so many other things: if it weren’t painful it wouldn’t be worth much.
Wow
I am humbled.
Re: Wow
Enh, I’m not that great. 😉
you know
that made me think a lot about getting my tattoo done. i think it may be time, and it will give me something to let me cry.
thank you for sharing this, btw. it helps me a lot more than i can say.
Re: you know
Oh boy howdy did I cry. I kind of wonder if that crying was something buried inside me that I was afraid to let out at any other time.
I share my stories because people who share theirs help me. I figure that is what I can do for the universe.
I agree with jaguarnoelle about the line work hurting more that the filling in … unless it is on a particularly tender body part. My inner thigh and the top crease of my thigh/butt hurt no matter what was being done. What really sucked with my tattoo was that my skin did not like taking in the ink, so my artist had to grind the ink in. That is why my tattoo is permanently raised. After I got it done I limped for about three or four days. It seriously hurt to walk. Is your back okay at the moment? Is N helping you with the daily care?
I like the little flowers as well. I’m surprised about the big back piece as well. I had no idea you were thinking about a back piece.
My back is remarkably ok. It hurts a little if I twist and I am still not leaning back on the couch, but it doesn’t actively hurt during fairly regular movement. Noah has been helping so far with what little has needed to be done. 🙂 I’m willing to bet Spot will be helpful when I sleep at his house.
The artist said that the work went remarkably quickly. I was only worked on for an hour today and he did the vast majority of the uberpainful stuff. I’m kind of wondering if it is going to take as long as he originally thought. I’m *praying* it won’t take as long as he thought. (His guess on getting the first round of line work done was 3 hours. We did ~3/4 of the linework in an hour. I’m hoping this trend continues.
Why is it surprising?
Thank you for the story.
I’m all about the stories.
Beautiful
That’s gorgeous! It looks like a tarot card. Welcome to the wonderful world of the inked. 🙂
As for the processing of the pain. Considering it is a back piece it impresses the hell out of me that you sat through that much at once. You hit a lot of nerve rich areas. It’s not like getting one on your butt or upper arm.
I love hearing the stories that go with tatoos. Thanks. 🙂
Feh. I need to get my other tat done.
Wow. Truely amazing that you were blessed with finding him.
It is beautiful and moving both in imagry and the story behind it.
Thank you for sharing it, I feel honored to be included.
this icon is a bit like what I want on my 6th chakra.
What a wonderful, compassionate person you have found for your artist! and the work looks amazing – great balance to the picture, great proportions for the girl… it’s going to be impressive as hell once finished.
*hugs you gently around the shoulders…*