I’ve been sitting here crying for most of the day. I haven’t really gotten anything else done. I’ve been thinking and thinking and thinking. I’ve been trying to take apart all the pieces of bad thoughts rolling around in my head. Trying to figure out what is true and what do I only fear is true.

What is true is that I feel like I can’t trust you. What did I tell you I would never do? I told you I wouldn’t compete. That either you chose me or you didn’t. Last night in a couple of ways there was a competition and I just lost. The ignoring me for the first hour wasn’t cool at all, but frankly I know that is something I need to take up with Erik as much as with you because you thought that there were going to be “turns” but that didn’t happen. I am really hurt that I hit your radar so little last night that you didn’t notice that I was just sitting there for an hour. Then you tried really hard to be more balanced and I tried so hard to get back into things and lighten up and just let go of the hurt. But when you fucked Debbie because I wasn’t up for it in the middle of the night you told me quite clearly that you don’t care what hole your dick goes in. I feel completely worthless.

And this morning when you wanted very much to be in between Debbie and I. Thank you for letting me know that it was more important to continue giving her attention than to give me some reassurance when you knew I wasn’t doing great.

I was abandoned last night more than once. And as the hurt of that was still stinging this morning you wanted to make sure that she kept getting attention. You know what? After she was the focus all fucking night long I don’t think she would have begrudged you paying attention to just me for five fucking minutes. But no. Apparently I don’t deserve that if someone more interesting is present. I asked you, I begged you for this not to happen because I told you that we would both lose. I don’t compete. But I still lost. And you lost my faith in you. Given how fucking hard I have been trying to build that faith and that you know how hard I have been trying this hurts so much.

I really don’t know what to do. I’m not going to leave you. I don’t want some stupid apology. I want to not feel worthless and inconsequential. I want to feel like I matter to you. You tell me all the time that I am the most important thing that has ever happened to you, but your actions… don’t agree.