This may get long and will certainly get hostile, so if the possibility of reading such from me bothers you…
Ok. So I have deliberately not posted much in the last week that was very serious because it’s been quite a week for me. (And my internal spelling-guide is off so my spelling may suck and I don’t feel like checking it.) I know I posted a teaser on Monday about how sexy my night was looking. Well… it didn’t work out exactly as planned. And by the end I was very upset. It doesn’t really matter why–just that I haven’t really gotten back to even keel since. I still feel very sensitive and vulnerable. And then this gawdawful heat got going and my body has decided to rebel in just about every way possible. It has just been a shitty week to be me.
I don’t like being upset with people I love. It hurts me deeply because not only am I angry or upset or let down or whatever, but I feel depressed because I don’t actually feel ok with having those emotions. I feel guilty that I am lashing out. I feel bad when I yell at people, even if I have bloody good reason to. So I’ve been really down on myself for days. Tuesday was a ‘sit-in-the-bathtub-and-try-to-talk-myself-out-of-cutting’ day. It really was Not Good. And all because I had the audacity to get angry. It’s a broken mechanism, I know. It means that even conversations that should go relatively smoothly have been a total nightmare. Poor Noah has borne the brunt of a lot of temper tantrums and crying and me being rather mean all week. I’m deeply grateful to him and for him.
I’m having a bitch of a time with some self identity stuff. I just feel off kilter and out of synch. I don’t know where I fit right now. I’m thinking about bailing on upcoming events and just staying home. I am not certain that I am fit for human contact. This weekend kind of showed me that. On Friday we went to the bondage party and I had a decently good time there. I suspended myself, which I don’t do often at all. It was really fun and it felt great and apparently it was fun to watch. Go me. Then we went over to a friend’s house and the evening got… more complicated. I was very introspective and not really being social and that was awkward for me pretty often.
Saturday I had therapy and then we went to a bondage class then to a birthday party. During the course of the day I managed to see a number of people I have known for years and years and it felt really great to see how much people continue to like me after knowing me for a long time. Yay! Guess I’m not such a bitch. I had a couple of difficult social situations though. One was when I ran into my staunch belief that “mean isn’t funny.” I don’t belive in being nasty to people or insulting them as a matter of course. I don’t pretend that I am a saint and that I have never insulted anyone or that I am never mean, but I try really really hard not to say things that are putting people down. And if anyone thinks that what I was saying was mean I try to apologize. I don’t believe in the comment “I’m not mean–you’re just a sissy.” That’s bullshit and bullying. I spend a lot of time at my job trying to get kids to stop bullying and it really pisses me off when I see “adults” perpetrating the same attitude. It’s just not cute or funny. Then I got told that despite the fact that I am a player at BaGG and that I go quite often, I am not as in touch with the current playspace there or what the needs of the dungeon are. It’s a big hot button for me to be told that I don’t know about something I do often. Excuse me, when were you there last? Oh wait, you don’t even know where the playspace is in the damn building. Let me defer my knowledge to you. So I left the birthday party feeling very cranky.
Today Noah and I tried to get a little done in the morning but when I started shouting at him we knew it was time to go find air conditioning because I was rapidly approaching not-human. I really don’t handle heat in any way and the last week has been inclined to make me far crankier than average anyway. I’m spending time with some people one-on-one this week and hosting a planning meeting to see if we really are going to try and get a bdsm TNG con off the ground and other than that… I may just hide for the next week. Big social events are not sounding smart.
I’ll just send you *hugs*. The heat does this….and I think your responses to some of what you mention that I was present for is reasonble.
The heat is screwing loads up. Suffice it to say I could tell a few stories about this weekend and the heat messing with my ability to get household repairs and cleanup done.
I’m sorry people are pissing you off and being all hypocritical and arrogant and self-absorbed and all that. That kind of behavior has been bugging me as well recently (albeit in different circumstances) and the heat has definitely not made it easier to deal with (just easier to get in a loud huff about it and actually say something about it instead of just fume and stew). I hate it when people tell me I don’t know anything, because feeling stupid is a huge hot button for me (oh man first time I typed that I typed “hotbottom” instead), so yeah.
Also, (parentheses)(,) (woo)(!)
To me, you are a strong person. I know you will work Stuff out.
I’m kind of feeling like I should just run away for an indeterminite period of time. This being home thing isn’t working well.
sending you comfort and iced lemonade.
That would be tasty right now. Thank you.
I’m sorry things have been so terrible lately.
Sending you virtual hugs and whatnot.
I just want a break from feeling wrong.
I’d offer hugs, but it’s too hot to touch! While you’re not thrilled with where you are with the whole being mean thing, I can see from this post that you’re really working through some stuff, and that’s a Good Thing. A friend once suggested to me that if you’re working through something to look towards the other end, where you’ll come out of it. I liked that comment so much that I still recall it.
Also, folks usually do not want to eat when it’s hot. Since I’m hypoglycemic, that it a bad thing for me, but I don’t know how you handle the food thing in this weather.
*snort* Have you seen my ass? I have no trouble with the eating. 😀
Thanks for the close-to-hugging offer. I appreciate it.
And I like that comment. Thank you for sharing it.
again, I know what you mean.
::sigh::
::and hugs::
I’m not mean, you’re just a sissy,
Shit, now I feel bad for having that as my tagline on here. I don’t feel that I’m mean, nor a bully – which is why I didn’t ever think about it further than it being a joke. Now that you bring up that perspective, I don’t want to be seen as a bully. I think it’s time for a change. Thanks for the insight.
Re: I’m not mean, you’re just a sissy,
As just a line it is kind of funny. When you say it after a comment that hurts someone else’s feelings, then you become a bully. I don’t think of you as such, but if I’ve spurred you to do a wee bit of self-examination I don’t think that is a bad thing. 🙂 You really aren’t a bad person but sometimes we say/do things that aren’t quite what we mean to do.