This puppy is long, so read only if you find yourself bored or such. 🙂
FYI: I didn’t filter this to a dirty filter so some people may want to skim more than normal. This is your warning.
Cut for length and some mildly explicit stuff–but nothing too dirty.
I have set the boy the task of dismantling the door frame. This way he is occupied for a long time while I do a variety of smaller projects. Cause if I give him smaller projects then he stands around when he is done waiting for me to tell him what to do next.
I consider this training for my children. 🙂
And it is… Procrastination.
I swear to god I have made a lot of progress today. It’s just not super easy to see because I am a dork and I get stuck in small details. *sigh* I went over to Ikea today looking for a few specific things and then realized that I didn’t know what sizes/colors I needed so the trip was kind of silly. But I wandered around and got ideas. Then I went to Target for big plastic containers. I didn’t buy too many because I wasn’t sure how things were going to shake out. I came home and realized I need a bunch more. S’ok. Buying more is easier than returning stuff I don’t need.
Cleaning house is a pain when I don’t want to do much with Noah’s stuff without him around. I don’t yet actually feel comfortable just going through his stuff without him present. I’m sure I’ll get over it. 🙂 But at Target, in honor of telling Noah that I would actually marry him (so far I’ve been saying maybe) I bought a wedding organizer and promptly almost had a panic attack. Jesus Christ. Am I actually doing this?! Looks like I am. Alright. Suck it up and get through it. (For the record: the scary part is the wedding, I’m looking forward to being married.) So now I am procrastinating mightily because I just pissed off my back by trying to move the monstrous filing cabinet without help. Sometimes my impatience is counter productive.
Things to deal with in the next few months:
Start actual wedding plans.
Remodel the house.
Put together at least two more unit plans before the start of school so that I walk in with a full year plan for juniors and a good start on… whatever else they give me. (WHOO HOOO! Just checked work email. I have three classes of Juniors and two classes of comp/lit. They are the low performing/behavior problem kids. I’m really excited! No really–I asked for them. 🙂
Get ready for Burning Man.
Am I helping organize TNG4?! Scary thought. It’s been brought up and discussions are starting… that will be decided in the next month probably.
Oh dear lord. I think that is going to be enough to eat my brain for the next year. Good thing I’m plucky!
(Travel stuff coming soon… I swear.)
And well snugled and well… other things.
But mostly, I got to send lots of quality time with my conversational studmuffin. Life is good.
And I am letting Noah talk me into coming home early. So uhm…
I’ll uhhh be home uhm… later today. 🙂 *bounce* Yay!
Today is Independence Day. Probably the most impact that has on me is simply that Thomas Jefferson was an amazing writer and I am thinking about the fact that I want to go find a few more books with essays by him. I may or may not watch fireworks; I don’t really care one way or another.
This last weekend was very interesting. I went to a con and took a lot of classes that really made me think. I didn’t play much, but what play I did was SOOPER HAWT!!! Very exciting. Even more exciting was calling my Noah right before the second bit of play and having him laugh and tell me to go have fun. I really love my boy.
So after the conference and the lots of thinking I started being all insecure and off-kilter. I got to talk to my Spot for a long time and I felt a bit better about that interaction but my Noah was off being all social like and for a little bit I had a hard time with that. But me being me when he asked if I was ok I said I was fine. Him being him he called me when he got home even though it was massively late cause he seems to be able to smell it when I lie.
We had a hard and scary conversation. We talked about feeling vulnerable and afraid to trust one another with some big things that are close to our hearts. It was really really hard. I’m having to look at the fact that even though I trust him more than anyone else in the world I don’t know if I trust him enough yet. This weekend I had to look at how much a few things with Tom really hurt my self-worth and ability to trust someone in some very specific ways. I hadn’t really been aware of how bad that trust damage was until this weekend when I tried to talk about that stuff. But I told him that he had to shut up for a while (dude, it’s Noah) and I let out this outpouring of scary stuff about what I want versus stuff that I’m afraid are needs and how scared I am to really go after things that I think may be needs. He listened, and more importantly: I think he heard me.
I’m still scared. And I miss him so much I ache inside. I don’t get to see him for seven more days and those days feel like they will last 3,000 years. I told someone about seven months ago, “If anything like this would ever work for me it would work with Noah” thinking that I would never get this shot. But I have it.
Please God, let me not fuck this up.