Monthly Archives: August 2006

Made my freakin day

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I just got this email from a parent.

Mrs. A,

Hi my name is J. M. I am N’s mom. I just wanted to send you a little note to let you know how much N needs your class. Although he went to a private school for 9 years, the writing program was very week. He suffered last year and is now in your class.

N came home the first day and said, “Mom, I totally need this class. She is going to really teach us how to write. She went on to tell us how important writing will be for the rest of our lives.” I must say I was impressed with his reaction to what you said.

I will do my best to keep him motivated and on top of his homework. I will be checking school loop every day. I would like to send off an email to you a couple times a month, just for checks and balances and to keep on top of any missed assignments, should there be any. I know you have a million kids all day long, but I hope we can stay in touch periodically through email.

I look forward to a great year for N and him learning how to write properly!

Have a fantastic weekend!

dudethissorocksmysocksoff!!!!

Edited cause I’m a dork.

School Loop = online source where teachers post assignments and do their gradebook so that students and parents can stay up to date.

What I can do

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I have a doctors appt for 8am the day that my insurance comes into effect. The medical center is even near my house. I am setting up sub plans so that I don’t have to come in at all tomorrow.

This is at least somewhat responsible.

I am still so freakin sick it isn’t funny. Because I am repeating myself a lot during the day (the same damn class four times) I will trail off in the middle of a sentence and ask if I have already said that. I feel bad for the kids. 🙁 I’m *so* happy they have all been working hard today. I haven’t had to do more than remind them a little to not interrupt others while they are working. It’s great.

Eating is not super fun cause my throat hurts so I am mostly eating over ripe fruit and drinking juice. The pad see ewe I had for breakfast was even a bit of a stretch cause the broccoli was kind of owie. It was SO DAMN TASTY though. Totally worth suffering for. I want to leave school basically as soon as 7th period is over and go home and lie down. My shoulders don’t hurt as much by neck is hurting more and more by the quarter hour. This totally blows.

{my shit} And yet more family drama

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Yesterday I got into a fast and furious argument with my sister via IM. Noah watched the conversation and feels I was pretty reasonable. Today I got this email. It was sent to my niece and nephew and cc’ed to me.

Well, we had a bit of a broo-ha-ha over IM yesterday.  Basically, ifyou want to have anything to do with her, I don’t want to hear aboutit.

I am sick to death of her telling me I’m wrong and she’s right.  Iwill NOT listen to one more single word against my mother by anyone. And I know I am right in this.  Someone must retain family values andhonor, and that starts by protecting one’s mother.

Love is the counterpoint of all families.  It starts with birth andthe incredible love a parent has for their child.  That transcends tobrothers, sisters, uncles, cousins, etc., etc.  More than love isneeded though; you also must learn forgiveness and compassion.  I hopeyou two learn these lessons better than I have.  I have forgiven, and Ifeel for them, but I no longer have any desire to put my heart in thethresher to be chewed up and spit out.  And I’m angry that my siblingshave never bothered to ask what really happened.  Never.  They justfigure it started with them I guess.  Hah!  It started with me andMom.  MY mom.  I remember it all, and I often wish I didn’t.  But Itold myself when I was 5 that I needed to remember it all so I wouldn’tdo to you what was done to me.  At least I did that much.

If Auntie wants to know you guys, fine.  But unless SHE comes tosome understanding that she is not the only person with a history,pain, anger and serious betrayal issues to deal with, I do not wish tospeak with her.  I can no longer handle anyone telling me what I thinkis correct or incorrect; it just is.  I can no longer handle anyonetelling me what I FEEL is wrong.  It is what I feel, and God made methe way I am.  I can only assume its for a reason.

I am sorry I’m such a terrible disappointment to my siblings.  I’lljust stay the fuck away from them so I don’t fuck up any more of theirlives or mental well-being.  I’m sorry we cannot talk.  I’ve tried.  Iget attacked, pure and simple.  And when I get attacked, I get loud andaggressive and say things I don’t really mean and then Auntie says”See!  See!” so I can’t talk to her anymore.  Of my immediate family,only Tommy ever understood me, and I’ve been bereft since he left us.

I’m sorry guys; I know this is upsetting to you.  I’m not saying youcan’t have a relationship with whomever you wish to cultivate arelationship with.  I’m just saying I no longer wish to know about it. It just makes me far too angry.  And yes, I’m sick to death of lettinga ghost fuck up my present.  I’m sick of not being allowed to defendmyself in this matter too.  In the beginning I thought I couldn’thandle the shame of it, and I couldn’t do that financially to mySIBLINGS, and now I feel like my SIBLINGS just want to shut me up. They can heal in whatever manner they need to heal, but I’ve never hadthat option.  I’ve always had to put someone else’s well-being in frontof my own.

And it looks as though I’m going to do it again.  So Auntie doesn’thave to worry about her poor brother Jimmy, I won’t do anything. Again.  I’ll just DEAL, because nobody else can and somebody has too,right?

And no, I’m not writing off anyone. I am simply choosing to notparticipate in their collective BS. And yes, I call it BS because Iknow BS when it gets thrown in my face. It stinks and hurts the eyes.Which means I’m not willing to be the familyblack-sheep/fall-guy/punching-bag anymore. This is about self-respect,and nothing else. I feel bad that it’s come to this, but I have towatch out for me now.

I love you guys! And I always, always will.

Mom

As an aside, I realize everyone carries the burdens given to them,and it’s all individualistic.  I also realize I must be a very strongperson, because some people get fucked up over incidents here andthere, but I’ve managed to stay reasonably sane despite the constantbrain-washing and physical/sexual abuse I grew up with.  I canliterally recall 14 constant years of it. Only visits to my Gramma’shouse (a grandmother others may actually think wasn’t good for kids)kept me sane.  Maybe I just need to hit something.

I just want to walk away from all of this.

Life

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Starting Sunday night I have had blinding headaches every night. The kind where I lie still and try not to breath. I’ve tried migraine meds and one kind helped the first night but the other kinds haven’t done much.

Today I noticed that the blinding headache is concentrating further south. My neck and throat are very swollen and painful. I’m starting to have trouble talking and swallowing. I feel like I have a noticeable fever. I don’t have health insurance until Friday. One of the other teachers on campus told me to take the next two days off, but I don’t feel like that would be responsible. And besides–the irony of me skipping school because I am sick when I wouldn’t skip for Burning Man is funny. (I know I know. Health thing versus going to play… but still.)

I think this is the third time in my life when I have cancelled something big and major only to get very sick right before I was supposed to start doing whatever it is. Intuition maybe?

Happy thoughts

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As I was walking to my car after my therapy session today I listed to a conversation about the removal of “planet” status from Pluto between three guys doing landscaping. This made me ridiculously happy. They were talking about who has the right to decide status about different things and then it lead to some pretty insightful comments about government. As a teacher I was so happy I was wiggling. They were so thinking critically. 🙂

And then my brjulia called me!! YAY! I loves my Julia.

So today can’t be bad. It just isn’t allowed to be.

Distraction

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I was told that I should take advantage of this forced alone time to build my individuation or some crap like that. Yeah, whatever. 😉

Yesterday was freaking busy!! I went over to blacksheep_lj‘s house and helped her and her husband load the truck. I uhhh kind of started assuming dominant pack position and bossed them and the two teenagers who were also there around. Thankfully I don’t think I pissed anyone off and we got a lot done. 🙂 Then I came home and spent a little more time than I should have before I convinced myself to head down to my school to do some work on my classroom. Right now it is completely clean and tidy, but I don’t have everything in the room I need to have. I need to go to Target and Raft (a special teacher store) and get some more stuff. This is where teaching is expensive. Oy. While I was cleaning my room I talked to a friend about the party happening at the Citadel and I asked him to tell me if I should go or not and he told me not to. It certainly turned out all for the best so–thank you.

After the room maintanence I was feeling very anxious and disconnected so I went over to a housewarming I didn’t think I would make it to. I got to flirt heavily with some super hot people. I officially established a long held suspicion about them. 🙂 It makes me very happy. I… uhhh… think I will probably take them up on it at some point when my life is calm and stable and I’m not likely to end up being psycho at them just because I’m stressed out. (I love you both too much to want to subject you to my behavior while super stressed.) While I was there another friend called and told me about the womens party happening at Edges–which is the bdsm space in the south bay. So I ran off to that hoping to play with some hot dykes. Unfortunately no hot sex or play happened, but I did spend hours entwined around a gorgeous girly and I got to talk to people I haven’t spent much time with in a long time. It was really great. I didn’t leave until 1:30 and then I got to glory in the fact that Edges is less than 15 minutes away from my house, unlike the hour drive home from the city. Rock on.

Today I have therapy, two going away parties, and probably some house cleaning thrown in for good measure. Oh, I also hope to do Target and Raft runs. Tomorrow: special time with one of the people I value most in my life. It’ll be good. And Monday I start work and my Noah comes home! I think I am being successfully individuated. 😛

(Although–I’m beginning to think that my “I can’t sleep when I am alone” thing is caused more by my belief than by actual circumstance. I need some sleep desperately.)

Date watching

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I’m obsessed with keeping track of time. I’m just like that. Some big upcoming dates.

August 29: Kids come back to school.
September 1: I run off to Burning Man
September 9: The wedding of my oldest friend. (I have known Britt since birth.)
September 10: The wedding reception of the man I negotiated poly to date. He married the gorgeous woman he was dating when I fell for him. I’m so glad that I got to love him and then to love her as well. (Not that way you filthy perverts.) Congratulations again to you both. I’m so happy for you both.
September 10: I turn 25.
September 14: I will have been dating Spot for six months. Damn how time flies.
September 15-17: Roadtrip to Disneyland with my lovely Noah and with Spot. Heh. We’ll see if this poly experiment crashes and burns. I have high hopes. (Hell, I already know all the drama will come from me because they are both so mellow. Let’s see how stupid I act.)
September 20: Spot’s birthday. He is going to be hella old, but I won’t rat on him and report just *how* old.
September 28: Six months since Noah dropped a huge bomb on me.
September 30: Next tat sitting. *shudder*

Good god. I think that is enough to keep track of in one month. *beat head against wall*

Adventures–most of which have not been the best ever.

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Today I get to go find a tow place and deal with my car. It is going to take more money for me to finally be an adult and deal with the stupid thing ONCE AND FOR ALL!!! *sigh* I’m not grown up yet or this wouldn’t have gotten to this point.

Last night I ate at the Elephant Bar for the first time. And the meal ended up being free because I killed a cockroach crawling on the wall of the booth. The waiter and manager were horrified. I’m willing to bet they were far more freaked out than I was. dude. I lived in SoCal. ‘Roaches are just part of life.

Despite the fact that I didn’t drag Spot off to the gym last night I had a really good time with him. Conversation was diverse and interesting and other things went damn well. 🙂

Still miss that Noah guy.

Today I get to do lots of errands. Go to the post office for the Noah. Deal with my car. Set up my classroom. Go to my first class at SJSU. I am kind of being a bad person about the SJSU class though. I don’t really want to take a poetry writing workshop. But there are no other classes this semester that appeal to me more. *sigh* I’m kind of wondering if I should just wait a semester and take a class I actually *like* and will enjoy working for next semester. It isn’t like all of my requirements are going to be done this semester anyway. It’s complicated. I have 6 hours to think about this. I don’t think it would be the end of the world, really. Hell–even if I waited a whole year it isn’t like my credits will expire or become a problem and I have a shitload on my plate right now.

I’m just not feeling adult enough to handle one more thing right now I think.

{just baby}

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I noticed something today as I read through your journal. You said before that you don’t think I am a 6 because you don’t think I operate from fear really. I suspect you are right. You really do make many if not most of your decisions based from fear. In looking at your decisions mine look so different. I am not afraid of being alone the way you are. I’m just not. Sure, I have had morose moments where I thought I would always be alone but that never motivated me to go out and do something about it. I have almost never been single but I think that is more about the fact that I just like people and they like me. I go out and do things just cause I want to and that gets me noticed. You don’t work that way. You go out and say, “How can I make people notice me.”

Hm. Yeah. Interesting.

Navel gazing

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And it’s even public-like because I know there are people who check occasionally and want dirt. Social shit is so strange.

In my interest in getting some semblence of contact with that boy I like I am reading his archive for the first time. I had never gone back to the beginning and read the whole history before. It’s weird. I am getting to watch the rise and fall and sometimes rise again and fall again of his relationships. I now know a bit more about when he bought his house and who gave input into that decision. I know more about why he is so freaked out about car maintanence. I can read evidence of him being pretty seriously unhappy for a very long time. Maybe bitter is a better word than unhappy but… all the same in the end.

So yeah. I know there are people who will read this who are not on my friends list. I know that some of them have been hugely involved in lots of his history. It’s a weird thought. Given that I have mostly only seen the fall out of people being unpleasant post-relationships it is interesting to see a bit more of when things didn’t suck. I have never understood why people can be so into someone and then later be so completely nasty. It isn’t as if I haven’t been dumped before, but I just see no point in hating ex’s. It may be vain of me to assume that some of those hostile ex’s (of his–I don’t have any) will read this given that we are demonstrably not friends, yet… given some things that have turned up in weird places it doesn’t seem vain so much as realistic. This boy is rather intoxicating and people hold on to that interest even when they are mad at him for ending a relationship. Why though? Why be so angry? Are your opinions really so changeable that whether or not someone is fucking you affects your evaluation of the person as a whole? I do think this will be read. I don’t think it will be responded to though.

It’s kind of weird filling in gaps in his history and having to accept those parts of the past as just part of him. I don’t get along with everyone (hell-not even most of the people) he has dated. That’s ok. It is interesting trying to see what he got out of relationships with people I have issues with. I’m trying to be all open minded and shit. We’ll see how it turns out.

And yeah, I mean you. And you. But not you, or you either.

Horoscope time

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Rob says:
Philosopher George Gurdjieff declared that most of us are essentially asleep, even as we walk around in broad daylight. We’re ignorant aboutthe higher levels of awareness we’re capable of; we’re blind to the continuous flow of life’s miraculous blessings. He said that in orderto wake up and stay awake we need regular shocks. Some of these are uncomfortable, forcing us to face our own stupidity. But other shocks are delightful. They’re doses of sacred medicine that entice us to shake off our sleepiness and come to attention in pleasurable ways. I believe that in the coming weeks you’ll be offered a steady supply ofthe latter.

I don’t think having my baby be far away, though it does point out some of my stupidities, is a delightful shock.

And so Noah doesn’t have to spend an extra three miutes waiting for his horoscope to download:

Russ Kick searches for messy facts that lie half-hidden beneath the official versions of reality. In his two volumes entitled 50 Things You’re Not Supposed to Know,he reveals, for example, that most corporations don’t pay federal income taxes, George Washington embezzled government money, a third of all American homeless men are military veterans, and Shakespeare filled his plays with sexual references. Russ Kick is your role model, Gemini. May he inspire you to find out about at least three things you’re not “supposed” to know. May you adopt his brazen approach as you breeze into off-limits areas to get the scoop on tantalizing truths that have been missing in action.

Oooh. This is a nifty one. I hope it works out for you Noah. 😉

Sad day

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I’m seriously overtired and that makes me more inclined to be sad. I am tired because I stayed up late helping Noah pack and generally clinging to him like a lichen. Before I even dropped him off I was already aching with missing him. This is going to be a very long six days. I am such a wuss. This is only going to be six days. That is like 1/3 of how long I was in New York. But things are different now. I wasn’t used to living with him then. I wasn’t used to seeing him first thing every morning and every night. I was still adjusting to the endless hours of processing. I can comfortably say that I am fine with them now. Ok, I still hit limits sometimes… but not as often. The hard moments are getting easier and easier. And… I just miss him.

I told him that I don’t know if I will be able to sleep in our bed cause it is really big and scary and empty. He asked me to try so that I stop thinking of the other bed as ‘mine’ and the big bed as ‘his.’ I’ll try. I forsee crying tonight.

The weird thing? The biggest consolation I have is that he is going to be sleeping with the Super Princess while he is gone. It feels like he is joining me in a tradition. I like that.

{my shit} Feeling brittle

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I am so incredibly on edge it isn’t funny. The slightest things set me off. Last night Noah made a rather silly comment and I took it very personally and basically threw a temper tantrum and left the room to sleep in the guest room. It seemed like a better option than continuing to be petty and stupid and nasty. It seems like everything is over the top right now. Proportionate reactions are a thing of the distant past. Although, in our defense–when we stop the nastiness and get around to actually trying to figure out what happened it is taking less and less time. I’m hopeful.

My therapist had some lovely things to say about my family. When I said I felt bad about being so angry she said, “Uhm, sounds like they are assholes and you should be angry” and when I asked her for advice on how to handle their manipulations better without yelling she said, “Oh, you mean how can you give them more of what they want and still not feel like shit about it?” She so has me pegged. Still not easy though. I haven’t figured out what I am going to do about them. Given that within the next month we need to send out save the date announcements for the wedding my current plan is to just not send any to anyone in my family. 🙁

Weekendy post

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So there I was, nursing my 151 and diet Pepsi…

I like introducing people to my Northern California neuroticisms: turn off the water while you brush your teeth, turn off the water while you wash your car, turn the water off while you are doing dishes… I don’t know if other Nor Cal folks are as freakish about this, but my upbringing made a serious impact on me. (Miss Jenny–can you leave water running? See, tonight Noah and I washed our new car for the first time together. We had different systems. Of course mine won. 😉 No wasting water damn you! Don’t you know that we could be in a drought ANY MINUTE?!?!?!!!! 🙂 I’m so glad he puts up with me.

Anyway. We wasted some time and some money this weekend. We went to one of the most useless classes I have ever been to. It was bioenergetics of rope. During the class the teacher introduced a shitload of jargon I have never heard before, refused direct requests to explain, and then proceeded to spend 6 hours talking while telling us that the theory doesn’t matter, only the practice does. Oh, the practice means we did a little scene off on the side of the room and the creepy guy watched. What a fucking schmuck. I got better answers to my (many, many, many) questions from other students. Noah’s comment after the first day of the class was, “I liked the hunted look he had after a while of you asking question after question.” Today he just looked annoyed. It seemed like he went home and decided that he wouldn’t let that pain in the ass derail his class again! Schmuck. He ignored almost all interesting questions and was totally hypocritical. He also told me that the way I have been doing suspension (as a top and as a bottom) is just plain wrong and didn’t really explain why. There was also another chick in the class who very smugly said that suspension is very physically grueling and it just isn’t something that everyone can do. Why yes, you obsessive yoga-doing-freak there are kinds of suspension that are physically grueling enough that I wouldn’t do them with just anyone. Like lifting someone into an inverted suspension by one ankle. I won’t do that because you can pull the leg out of joint if there is too much pressure. But clearly her standards are different than mine because I have done that exact suspension while weighing about 190 pounds and I was incredibly inflexible. I am quite confident that I can suspend *anyone* thankyouverymuchyoulittlebitch. Oh, and they spent a while going off on how western style suspensions are inherently inferior to Japanese style rope.

By this rant you can’t tell that they seriously pissed me off. Really, I bet you can’t. Fuckers. In other news–the scene with Noah was Hawt. I loves me my boy.

And if I move further back in time I am looking at a long-overdue date with Spot on Friday. During this date I was tired, boring, and generally unentertaining. I swear honey–I will make it up to you. It was a hard week.

But yeah. It’s been a weekend. 🙂

And wow, this is prophetic.

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Rob tells me:

My old philosophy professor Norman O. Brown would periodically interrupt his lectures, tilt his head upward as if tuning into the whisper of some heavenly voice, and announce in a mischievous tone,”It’s time for your irregular reminder: We’re already living after the end of the world. No need to fret anymore.” The implication was that the worst had already happened. We had already lost most of the cultural riches that had given humans meaning for centuries. All that was going to be taken from us had already been taken. On the bright side, that meant we were utterly free to reinvent ourselves. Living amidst the emptiness, we had nowhere to go but up. What remained was alienating, but it was also fresh. Use these ideas as seeds for your meditations, Virgo. You can apply them to both your personal life and the world at large.

It really is time for me to reinvent myself.

{my shit} Reeling

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I don’t know what I’m going to do about my family. I’m kind of thinking that I need to completely cut off contact with them for the forseeable future because having them in my life is actively hurting me. I really don’t want to do it though. 🙁 Last night when I desperately needed support I went over and spent time with some of the people who have chosen to be my family. I was told reasons why I can’t possibly be as terrible as my bio-family claims. I’m trying very hard to not only hear, but believe. It’s hard. I have been internalizing messages about my complete awfulness for a very long time. I… I don’t really know what to do about a lot of it. I’m scared and even though I have some amazing and wonderful support I feel terribly alone. It is kind of ironic that this stuff comes on the heels of me acknowledging just how completely inappropriate some of my behavior is. It kind of seems like confirmation that I am really that bad of a person. 🙁 But yet–my family won’t acknowledge their problems. I got into a fight with my sister yesterday and I brought up several specific things she does that are highly abusive and she said, “That isn’t abuse. My kids deserve that because they are teenagers and are impossible to live with.” Did they deserve it in junior high? In elementary school? What about when they were toddlers? She has *always* been abominable to them and can’t see that. I don’t want to ever see that look of resigned defeat in my children’s eyes the way I see it in my niece and nephew or hell–in my own eyes. I don’t want to ever seen them just learn to cringe and prepare for the onslaught of screaming. I won’t do it. You know what? If I ever do lose it and yell at my kids I want them to be strong enough to tell me that I shouldn’t be doing it because they don’t deserve it. That is my goal. I want my kids to know just how much they are worth. And that is what the other members of my family can’t understand. They think we all deserve this.

No. I don’t.

Quoteable

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“What are you thinking about?”
“I was thinking about my trip to Japan and the fact that I would like to bring a digital camera and was wondering if I could borrow yours.”
“Of course. You do realize that with this whole marriage thing it’s basically yours now too?”
BIG HUGE CHEESY GRIN

I likes making the boy happy.

{my shit}This is where I learned how to fuck people up.

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I came home from my third appointment for my tattoo to an email from my brother. The text from him reads:

Here is the will you asked for and thank you for helping me make a desicion I hav been struggling with for 8 years. I have not closed the door to any of you because I wanted my kids to know there family. It is no longer benificial to them because of the behaviors I have when you guys are around.

do not attempt to contact. Emails will be deleted unread, mail will be returned to sender unopened,phone calls will be hung up on and the door will not be answered.

He was responding to an email from my sister that read:

I keep thinking about it, and regardless of dad’s opinions of me or
anyone else, I feel it’s legally irresponsible to NOT peruse his will.

Please send me a copy.  A complete copy, if you will.  I need to see it
for myself.

Send it to my work address as follows: (deleted for her privacy)
I know you’d rather I not see it, but legally, I not only have the right
to see it, you are required by law to deliver a copy to all direct
heirs, of which I am most definitely one.  I cannot express how
upsetting it is to me that I had never even heard of the will until
recently.  I may not be dad’s biggest fan, but I knew him better than
anyone.  Including you.  I’m sorry, but that’s a fact.  Dad groomed you
to be his ace in the hole.  I won’t tell you what he said about you back
then – but it wasn’t any nicer than what he said about the rest of us.
He told me you would always back him, and he’d make sure of it.  You
would always be his supporter.  Tommy would never be believed.  For me,
he wanted me to be many things – not the least of which was his little
sex kitten.  He definitely tried to include me in his “mental
conditioning” of you guys.  Lol  And I often wonder why I’m so fucked
up?

Send me a copy of the will Jimmy.  Please.  I don’t care what’s in it; I
need to see it for myself.

Sissy

The will says:
(dated 4/27/98)
Last will and testament

Even though I am not guilty the viciousness of Vivian and Kristine is more than Tom can recover from. Tom and I have desided that the quality of life is not worth living.
If my life insurance can be collected I want half to go to my son James. The other half to Trudy Russell. (My step-mom)
The rest of Tom’s trust fund and everything else I have goes to my son James. It is my wishes that nothing goes to Vivian, Kristine, or Denise.

Words fail me. I didn’t ask for this. I don’t know where any of this came from or why it was directed at me. This is why I am so fucked up. I called my brother to ask him what the hell is going on. He told me that he is angry that his sons will never know their uncle or grandfather because I wasn’t given a computer. I hung up on him. This hatred of me is why I spent so many years wanting to and trying to kill myself. How can anyone hate me this much? And my brother will teach his children to hate me and blame me too.