I’m all weird and angsty right now and there are a bunch of reasons for it. My stomach hurts quite a bit and I’m sure that doesn’t help my emotional wonkyness.

This was a very rough weekend. There were high points that were quite wonderful, but a couple of lows that really blew.

So I went down to the beach for a burner event. I left on Thursday and went down later than intended because Noah was home and wonderful and distracting. But I got down there. When I got down there I tried to set up camp somewhere with the permission and direction of one person who claimed some sort of authority. Another person came along 20 minutes later and cussed me out up one side and down the other for being, “Such a stupid bitch” for being in that spot. Ok. Guess I’m moving. (The spot had a handicapped sign and I questioned the first guy about it and he said it was fine.) So I found a different camp site and took down my tent (I had already made significant progress) and put my stuff back in the truck. I moved and set up just enough to have a place to crash. I then passed out.

In the morning I made a run to the store with a burner who was already there. I had left my food out the night before like an idiot and the critters got almost all of it. Shit. Second irritation of the weekend. But I set up everything and was ok after that. I laid out under the dappled sun and read a bunch and enjoyed the lovey scenery. I took a delightful nap. Then people started showing up so I meandered and was vaguely social. Highlights of the afternoon included spending time with people I didn’t expect to be there. (Hey Julia–remember your ex whom we spent lots of time dishing about? He’s marrying A!!! And he is much less of an asshole these days.) Noah was much later in arriving than expected so I got worried. I walked up to the road to call him and it turned out he was almost there. It was good I was standing up there because he would have missed the turnoff in the dark. 🙂

Eventually we got around to the evenings plans of doing a psychodelic. Before starting the journey I told the two people we were journeying with that I didn’t necessarily expect them to hang out with me/us all night long I felt very strongly that I wanted at least occasional check-ins. I also knew in advance that I probably wouldn’t want to be near the main party so that would mean them trekking out to the camp site. They agreed and said that was fine. The trip started ok. Then I found out that I wasn’t going to have a good reaction at all. I got very sick to my stomach and had a decidedly awful night. At some point they wanted to wander and asked me if that was ok. I said fine. He came back once looking for her and then left because she wasn’t back yet. Neither ever came back again. Noah wandered around trying to find some way of alleviating some of my significant distress, but he didn’t know anyone or know where anything was and he wasn’t exactly sober himself. So I lay there all night, often alone, being sick and miserable. Not my idea of a good time. Live and learn though. I won’t ever repeat the drug experience and I don’t think I will ever have much faith in that couple again. Which is really sad. They didn’t check in at all until they happened to wander by the next night. I really had a hard time with that. I guess that I learned something valuable though.

Come morning I was feeling better (thank god) and Noah and I proceeded to have a lovely day together. We wandered around and talked to people very occasionally and went down and played in the water. I do so like him. In the evening I went to a workshop on boundaries taught by someone I refer to as a friend. She proceeded to bring me in front of the group and proclaim that I am the biggest bitch she knows and then spend the rest of the class talking about how to tell someone no without being a bitch. I felt incredibly judged and put down. I wouldn’t have been so upset if multiple people wouldn’t have volunteered that they felt like she was putting me down. I also feel that the way she was trying to teach boundaries was ineffectual and rather useless. It really isn’t appropriate to go out of your way to be “nice” when someone is doing something that is fucked up. But what do I know, I’m just a bitch. Not long after this Noah and I went back to the tent and he read to me for a while before we passed out. I set an alarm so I would wake up for my greeter shift.

During the greeter shift I took the woman who taught the workshop aside and explained to her how I was feeling and what had been expressed to me by multiple people. She said she was trying to show me as an example of someone who is very strong and good about boundaries because she is impressed by how comfortable I am defending myself. I explained how she really didn’t present me that way by calling me a bitch over and over. Eventually she stopped defending herself and apologized. It took me finally saying, “It doesn’t matter what you were intending. What matters is what you said and the fact that it hurt me.” See, boundaries. Oy. But I left the interaction feeling very proud of myself for telling her that it wasn’t ok to treat me that way. I then wandered for just a few minutes then went back to bed. Noah and I chatted for a few minutes before passing out again.

Come Sunday morning we rounded up some friends and had a lovely breakfast at our campsite. After that he gave me a wonderful massage and then we broke camp. During this time period I got to explore good ways and bad ways (sorry honey) of helping him learn some of the tricks to camping. Eventually we were done and we took off.

I didn’t get to spend time with many of the people I had wanted to. I did get to spend time with one couple whom I haven’t known well in the past. She gave me an interesting compliment as I was getting ready to leave. “I look forward to seeing you more now than I used to. You are really rough around the edges and that is hard to get used to, but now I find it terribly endearing.” I am inclined to think that it is a common impression of me. heh.

Overall I feel that I am probably done with the event. Noah and I had some really interesting conversations about how in order to fit in more I would have to change parts of myself that I really don’t want to change. Who I am is just not appreciated by the general crowd. Yes, I have met some wonderful people there and I have some good friends that go, but the overall crowd isn’t for me. I did enjoy my time with Noah though. I suppose it is a massively good thing that even though I did not enjoy most of the weekend or event I really loved my time with my baby.