Disclaimer: So, this is a rather small filter. There are 15 people on it That means that most of the people you might expect to be reading me won’t see stuff on this filter. A bunch of you have partners who are not on this filter. I’m not specifically going to say that I don’t want you to tell your partner anything about this, but please be vague if you decide to share information. I was talking with Noah about my general need for processing in a way that has an audience and he is fully understanding of the fact that the over-share is going to happen.He did express a preference that when I get into the times when I’m upset that it not be terribly public. This is more than fair so I created a filter of really close and trusted friends. I am also distinctly of the opinion that when I am really mad at him for some reason, that is as much about me and my shit as it is about him or the situation. My goal is to never slam him publicly or privately and if I ever skirt too close to that line, even on this filter, please feel free to call me on it. I’m allowed to be mad at him. I’m not allowed to denigrate him as a person. When I want advice about how to handle something, I will specifically ask for it. Otherwise it is the standard”tread carefully” kind of approach to giving me unsolicited advice. 🙂 The people I am sharing this with are the people I love and trust a great deal. I’m sharing this stuff in this way because I do respect and honor your opinions. I’m trusting you to be ok seeing parts of me that I may not share generally with the world. I’m going to be talking about bdsm, sex, abuse stuff… who knows. If you don’t want to see any portion of this, feel free to ask to be taken off the filter; I will understand.

Last night week Noah and I finally took a big leap towards something we have been saying that we want for quite some time. When Noah asked me to marry him he also told me thathe wanted me to be his slave. Whereas I knew easily that marrying him was something that was the right choice for me, I hesitated more on the topic of M/s. I have been burned badly in the past and I am not eagerto be rejected harshly that way again. For the past few months we have been waffling and babystepping and just trying to build general trust.We had a bit of a shake up on that account a bit ago but given that everyone makes mistakes there has been the goal of not letting that be too big of a bump.

We have been slowly working towards incorporating some level of power play into our general sex life. Noah makes a truly HAWTbig brother. (He’s not ever going to be my Daddy. That just wouldn’t work.) We are doing permission for orgasms and a bit of forced sexstuff. It’s been working fairly well overall. But we both have been chafing at wanting something more and not knowing how to make the leap. Baby steps are good and necessary, but eventually you have to make some sort of leap or you can’t really get going. For Dore Alley I wore a collar. This was a fairly big deal. This was actually the first sign of ownership between us publicly or privately of that nature. It was kind of interesting to wrap my head around that. But it kind of got us both itching to move a bit further.

So we arranged last night week to have a play date while I was in an altered space. (This is my last shot of doing that particular thing before going back to school and I wanted one last time.) We talked in advance about a couple of different alternatives of how it would go. I have a friend who engages in similar activities and consciously works through scenarios in a sexual magick sort of thing. Whereas I am not the shaman that my friend is, I know I have a lot going on that can be reached more easily when I am not in as much active control of my mind. We thought about perhaps working through some hypnotism stuff and we talked about the idea of claiming. For me, what makes M/s different from D/s is that as a submissive I do have the right to say, “Not right now” but as a slave I don’t. I can express preferences, such as when my bits are hurting from being torn so I don’t think sex is a great plan, but I don’t actually get to say no. I use sex as an example, but really it bleeds over into all of life. People didn’t see that with Tom because I kept that part of me and our relationship private and hidden. Being obedient isn’t a weakness, but it is avulnerability point. I am not willing to be generally vulnerable. So we have been working on this slowly.

So we got to a point where we wanted to do this together. It was hard and scary. We know we want to have some sort of dynamic of that sort, but how to do it is scary. We decided to set it up so that I was technically ready to receive whatever sort of attention he wanted to dish out, but it was up to him to decide what sort and when. (This involved being ready to receive anal sex if he wanted to do it by prepping myself and using a plug.) Well, I spent time doing stuff around the house but I didn’t manage to get myself completely ready in time because I missed his email telling me he was on his way home. So I tried in a hurry to get ready and that just doesn’t work. I hurt myself in the process and knew I wouldn’t be able to have that sort of sex that night. I started crying. When he got home I cried some more. I apologized over and over for my failure and he handled it very well. He told me that during the course of our relationship he will challenge me and that means that sometimes I will fail and he made me promise that I was ok with it. Ok, I didn’t really promise but I did acknowledge that I know it will happen. I’m still nervous and upset that I will fail, I hate it that I will fail. But I know I will. 🙁

We did manage to get back on track and get back to a good place. We took a shower together and he put the collar on me. We did not spend the whole night as we intended due to my attention span of a gnat. We did process a lot and do some playing and it was terribly hot.

The memories are already fading, which is why I meant to write this all the day after… I so suck.

What I came away with was the feeling that even though we are going to have a long road as we figure out how we want this to work between us I have been claimed. I don’t really know how it is going to work out to belong to him, but I think I already do.