Yesterday I got into a fast and furious argument with my sister via IM. Noah watched the conversation and feels I was pretty reasonable. Today I got this email. It was sent to my niece and nephew and cc’ed to me.

Well, we had a bit of a broo-ha-ha over IM yesterday.  Basically, ifyou want to have anything to do with her, I don’t want to hear aboutit.

I am sick to death of her telling me I’m wrong and she’s right.  Iwill NOT listen to one more single word against my mother by anyone. And I know I am right in this.  Someone must retain family values andhonor, and that starts by protecting one’s mother.

Love is the counterpoint of all families.  It starts with birth andthe incredible love a parent has for their child.  That transcends tobrothers, sisters, uncles, cousins, etc., etc.  More than love isneeded though; you also must learn forgiveness and compassion.  I hopeyou two learn these lessons better than I have.  I have forgiven, and Ifeel for them, but I no longer have any desire to put my heart in thethresher to be chewed up and spit out.  And I’m angry that my siblingshave never bothered to ask what really happened.  Never.  They justfigure it started with them I guess.  Hah!  It started with me andMom.  MY mom.  I remember it all, and I often wish I didn’t.  But Itold myself when I was 5 that I needed to remember it all so I wouldn’tdo to you what was done to me.  At least I did that much.

If Auntie wants to know you guys, fine.  But unless SHE comes tosome understanding that she is not the only person with a history,pain, anger and serious betrayal issues to deal with, I do not wish tospeak with her.  I can no longer handle anyone telling me what I thinkis correct or incorrect; it just is.  I can no longer handle anyonetelling me what I FEEL is wrong.  It is what I feel, and God made methe way I am.  I can only assume its for a reason.

I am sorry I’m such a terrible disappointment to my siblings.  I’lljust stay the fuck away from them so I don’t fuck up any more of theirlives or mental well-being.  I’m sorry we cannot talk.  I’ve tried.  Iget attacked, pure and simple.  And when I get attacked, I get loud andaggressive and say things I don’t really mean and then Auntie says”See!  See!” so I can’t talk to her anymore.  Of my immediate family,only Tommy ever understood me, and I’ve been bereft since he left us.

I’m sorry guys; I know this is upsetting to you.  I’m not saying youcan’t have a relationship with whomever you wish to cultivate arelationship with.  I’m just saying I no longer wish to know about it. It just makes me far too angry.  And yes, I’m sick to death of lettinga ghost fuck up my present.  I’m sick of not being allowed to defendmyself in this matter too.  In the beginning I thought I couldn’thandle the shame of it, and I couldn’t do that financially to mySIBLINGS, and now I feel like my SIBLINGS just want to shut me up. They can heal in whatever manner they need to heal, but I’ve never hadthat option.  I’ve always had to put someone else’s well-being in frontof my own.

And it looks as though I’m going to do it again.  So Auntie doesn’thave to worry about her poor brother Jimmy, I won’t do anything. Again.  I’ll just DEAL, because nobody else can and somebody has too,right?

And no, I’m not writing off anyone. I am simply choosing to notparticipate in their collective BS. And yes, I call it BS because Iknow BS when it gets thrown in my face. It stinks and hurts the eyes.Which means I’m not willing to be the familyblack-sheep/fall-guy/punching-bag anymore. This is about self-respect,and nothing else. I feel bad that it’s come to this, but I have towatch out for me now.

I love you guys! And I always, always will.

Mom

As an aside, I realize everyone carries the burdens given to them,and it’s all individualistic.  I also realize I must be a very strongperson, because some people get fucked up over incidents here andthere, but I’ve managed to stay reasonably sane despite the constantbrain-washing and physical/sexual abuse I grew up with.  I canliterally recall 14 constant years of it. Only visits to my Gramma’shouse (a grandmother others may actually think wasn’t good for kids)kept me sane.  Maybe I just need to hit something.

I just want to walk away from all of this.