Monthly Archives: September 2006

cranky

Every Friday we do a communal lunch thing in my department. And today… everything has onions in it. So I don’t have a lunch and the lunch being provided is stuff I won’t eat.

I’m going to be so cranky by the end of school. I’m eating granola bars and nuts and pretzels, but it isn’t going to be quite enough. 🙁

{close friends}Tracking Mood

Boy howdy does my mood vary a great deal. How tired I am has a rather remarkable influence on my mood. I’ve been doing really well and staying upbeat and at least mostly cheerful for a while, but Wednesdays wipe me out. I need to be at work fairly early on Wednesday because there is always some last minute prep to do so I get here at about 7:30. I teach from 8:20 to 2:35 with a fifteen minute break and a 40 minute lunch. After school I have kids in here to serve detention or get help with work/do makeup testing. At 3:30 I have a meeting with my mentor who is doing stuff with me to help me clear my credential. She leaves at about 4:30. Then I need to make sure I have copies done and my board set up for the next day. I also usually have a little bit of cleaning up and organizing to do. I try to get at least a little bit of grading done as well. If I’m lucky I leave at 5:00. Usually 5:30 and yesterday it was 6. I’m not really saying that my job is harder than anyone else’s, cause it isn’t. I’m not saying I work longer hours, because I don’t. But good grief I am wiped out. I have had other jobs, libraries, retail, food service, substituting–they didn’t wear me out like this. I have to be on for almost all of the time I am at work. I am interacting and responding to questions and thinking as hard and fast as I can. I love it and I don’t want to be doing anything else–but I have nothing left at the end of the day.

So I’ve been feeling remarkably boring and uninteresting lately. I had people over last Friday and it didn’t turn into what I wanted. I invited about 24 people expecting that almost no one would be available with 48 hours notice. I was wrong. I ended up with 20 freakin people in my house. I was really hoping for about 10 so that we could really sit down and play games and be mellow. Instead I ended up hosting all night long. I didn’t want to do that. I didn’t want to be fixing food and getting drinks and showing people how to do stuff all night long. I wanted quiet mostly cuddly time and instead I felt even more wasted by the end. I was not happy that so many of my friends showed up expecting dinner without bringing much if anything at all. I felt kind of taken advantage of. I hadn’t wanted to host a party. Many of the people there didn’t even have much of an interest in playing games which was very disappointing to me because that was what I advertised. So I really wanted a specific type of interaction, I organized it, and then it still didn’t happen. I feel let down.

The rest of the weekend was really awesome though. Time spent basically one-on-one with Noah is about as good as time can get. And Oh My God HAWT sex.

This week I have been dragging ass all week. I need to get a lot more sleep this weekend, which is going to be a challenge for me. I just don’t sleep well/much. And as a result of being tired I feel incredibly insecure. I have less than no reason for being insecure. I don’t think it would be possible for someone to be more into another person than Noah is into me. Yet… I still fel worried and scared. I mean…. he freakin married me. Why am I so insecure? He hasn’t been dating anyone else because we are so wrapped up in our mutual obsession and happiness and glee to be together. I feel scared though. I feel scared that it isn’t going to be long before he is pushing really hard to be with other people more. Given how much time I spend at work it really isn’t reasonable for me to try to date anyone else at this point. I am only awake and not at work for maybe 5 hours a day and I’m getting ready for work, making dinner, and trying to fall asleep for most of them. I don’t have the energy for another person, that is a very small part of the reason I broke up with Erik. (Ok, so mostly he ignored me and didn’t treat me particularly well–but that’s another story.) I was relieved though when I stopped having to balance time and attention with another person. Noah was feeling cranky that I might be going on dates with Erik and paying lots more attention to him and having lots of sex on those dates when I was exhausted and unable to do the same with Noah. Well… no I wasn’t. I just don’t have the energy for anyone right now. 🙁 I’m doing a little better when it’s just Noah though.

I feel like I’m going to have to deal with him going out and chasing someone else soon. This isn’t true, but I’m still worried. We agreed to not go out looking for new partners for a year. Partially cause I am just insecure and partially because I think if we want to have a marriage that is a full on partnership we need to give that time to develop before we deal with other people and their needs. He agreed to that, but I pushed for it. Just like I pushed for the actual elopement. Just like I’m the one pushing for D/s. He says he wants these things too, and he agrees whenever I push… but I am the one pushing. 🙁 I feel very scared that I am pushing too hard/far and he is going to eventually get upset with me for asking for too much. I am terrified of once again asking for too much, wanting too much, needing too much from a partner. I don’t know how I would handle it to be rejected by Noah the way I have been by my other partners.

I feel like I want to just stop pushing for things but I know that I can’t really manage to stop asking for what I want and I know that I really wouldn’t be happy that way either. And so I’m pushing. And I’m scared. And I’m insecure. And I feel stupid and immature and I often cry when I’m driving in the car. I feel like I have been handed basically everything I have always wanted on a silver platter but I don’t trust this. It’s too new and too fragile.

I’m so scared.

Mmmm aftermath

Last night was fun and I’m glad people came over.

But I have a little thing that I’m feeling irritated about and I figure I could tell people or I could just be mad about it. Next time I ask if you can bring food for a potluck kind of thing, please do.

(I know a couple of people did–thank you.)

Looking for wonderful.

Yesterday when I was sick and very cranky my kids were lovely angels and very considerate all day. They are generally pretty good but they were outrageously good yesterday.

Today they have been fun and silly only a little rowdy.

I am in a fabulous mood today. Last night I didn’t sleep much at all but I got to talk to my baby about all sorts of scary things and get upset and get over it and have some Very Hot Sex.

My desk looks kind of messy, but I am going to be able to leave right after work to go start my weekend.

I’m taking home a bunch of stuff this weekend. My contacts binder so I can call parents and chat a bit about how their kidlets are doing. (Maybe on Sunday?) Lots of grading that my baby is going to help me do. (It isn’t like his vocabulary is any worse than mine–in fact his is better.)

My kids are keeping on top of things remarkably well. I’m actually surprised in that very happy way.

I get to see friends this weekend. That will be nice. I also cancelled doing the higher stress con. And it looks like I am going to get to play anyway! Yay!!

I’m telling you. Everything looks brighter with really hot sex.

Welcome to the educational system

I suppose this is what I get for all that time skipping school. I wasn’t exposed to as many varieties of illness so now I am getting sick left and right. My stomach and intestinal track hate me.

I offered the little darlings 5 points for the day if I don’t have to yell at anyone. 🙂 Basically, I asked them to show me mercy. We’ll see how it goes.

Ok, honestly–I anticipate good results. I am very understanding of people not feeling well in general and I tend to help them out when they aren’t at their best. Lots of leeway and such.

Ooooooh! And they are getting out books when they finish their tests WITHOUT PROMPTING!!! Ok, even though I feel like I was hit by a truck I anticipate a good day. *happy finger dance of joy which does not require upseting my stomach*

Not so evil plotting.

In response to the horoscope given to my cute boy… So, whatcha doin Friday night? Might I tempt you into coming on over to the Disaster House for some games? Not necessarily dirty games (although who knows what will happen late with our friends…)

Entirely without the permission of my husband let me now invite you to the Disaster House on Friday September 21 at 7 pm for games and potentially drinking and silliness. 🙂

(btw–this isn’t a big invite list so I hope ya’ll will make it!) Please respond if you want to come…

{insecurity} Tired

An idea was tossed out last night which I am going to be right about in the long run. Not a terrible thing.

Lately I have been having the sleep schedule from hell. I wake up at 6am which means I need to go to bed fairly early. And seeing as I am married to a conversation studmuffin (I wish I had a link handy to the comic, but I suck.) this means I need to head to bed even before I need to fall asleep. The goal was to have time for sex as well but I’m lame and exhausted most of the time. 🙁 I am getting awesome snuggles though.

I’m feeling drained and beaten down even though I am generally happy. I feel like I don’t have the storehouses of energy reserves that allow me to handle any extra stress. So I cancelled working at the Folsom Fringe event because I am just too fucking tired. We are cancelling this weekends Disneyland trip mainly for financial reasons (and hey–we’re going in December), but honestly I feel so much relief that I won’t have to deal with it energy wise. I miss my friends but I feel too tired to do anything. Don’t get me wrong–I love my life. I really love my job and the mellowness that is happening with Noah is great. I just feel pretty sharply the difference in how social I used to be. I’m used to lots of social contact and playing and seeing people and I’m having trouble adjusting.

I probably could do more than I do, I just feel… drained. Being anti-social seems necessary for the forseeable future. I need to get a bit further ahead in lesson planning. I need to find a rhythm for grading papers that allows me to get it done and doesn’t stress me out. I need to figure out a system for getting chores done. I need to get my house to a level where I don’t feel anxious about it. So many needs. I wonder when I can get back to wants.

{school} What I missed last year.

I had this idea on presentations of material to prep the kids for The Crucible so I put it together and I ran with it yesterday. The first group of kids did ok, but there were some big obvious kinks. So I redid it today fixing the problems and it was smooth as butter. The kidlets are doing an *awesome* job and I am so proud of them.

Oh! And I did good! I figured out that one of my comp & lit kids should be in English 3. She should not be in the stepladder class between English 1 and English 2. Turns out it was a scheduling error and they are going to fix it. I’m glad I was paying attention. 🙂 (Though this means I have to pay more attention in the future out of paranoia… darn it!)

Being grateful

I believe it is important to notice the good stuff that happens lest you take it for granted. So here I go.

Angela–you have become a wonderful mom and I am grateful you are in my life. Thank you for bringing me a present.
Miss Jenny–thank you for remembering my birthday and restating my status as the Princess. I’m grateful.
Miss Sara–thank you for remembering my birthday and giving me permission to be demanding. I have a hard time thinking it is ok.
Noah–thank you for going to bed early with me and tolerating my mood swings.
Spot–thank you for trying so hard to be considerate of me and the attention you have been giving has been great.
Deborah and Anthony–thank you for including me in your important day. I appreciated it far more than you know.

That’s just a little bit of the goodness in my life in the past week. Yay.

Have I mentioned that I’m tired? But after last night I know that 8:30 is a wee bit too early to go to sleep.

Happy Birthday to me

Hm. This is one of those times to be reflective like. I’m 25 now. What in the hell am I doing with my life?

I have a brand-spankin-new husband who makes me deliriously happy. I have a great boyfriend who is quite cheerful about my various neuroticisms. I have a job I love and a the best chosen family ever. I have a nifty new car! I have an unfinished but already nifty tattoo.

I have a house. Legally half of this puppy is mine now. It’s an ok house and has potential to be a great house with some labor. I’m ok with that. I have almost no bio-family left to speak of. I have no free time nor extra energy for most anything.

I’m happy with most of my life, but there are big unavoidable things that are making me very sad. I’m not done with my masters yet and that is being hard for me. And as much as I am sad that I don’t get to see all of the nifty people in my life more I kind of feel like I need to cut back on what time I do spend with people if I am going to be as good at my job as I want to be and if I want to have the house I want to have. Being an adult is hard.

I’m not yet as good at managing my stress levels and my emotions as I want to be. I’m worlds better than I used to be, but I’m still not good enough. I still spend far too much time lashing out at Noah and that just isn’t ok. I have to have better control over myself before I have any right to have children or business doing it. I don’t want my kids to deal with the uncertainties of mood that currently run my life. I have some hard work ahead of me to get this into control.

I am not doing enough to be in as good of physical shape as I want to be in. I don’t know when or if I will ever get back to dancing. I am already too swamped with time commitments. It’s kind of hard because I have a very clear picture of where I want to be in life and it seems like it isn’t that far away and yet if I spend my entire life feeling this way I will always be discontent with myself and I will never be particularly happy. I have a hard time seeing the happy making things and instead I focus on the negative too much. This is yet another thing I need to work on.

Oh, and no one in my family knows I am married. I still don’t know how to feel about that.

Oh, and as far as I know–no presents this year. That is kind of an interesting welcome to adulthood. I’m not upset about it. Just… kind of noticing coldly.

Tales from the classroom

Just so that ya’ll know that I am not just obsessed with my romantic life…

The year has started well. I’ve had kidlets for two weeks and I’m already a little sad that I only get them for 172 more days. 🙁 That isn’t enough time.

I seem to have a generally good crop of kids. Comp & Lit is not terribly motivated, but they seem to be willing to work when I tell them to. We are working on motivation though. It’s a goal. My English 3 classes are generally decent. I have a couple of talkers in each class and a few lazy snots, but not many. Mostly we seem to be warming up to one another. It is kind of funny that if I have an awful day with one period the next day they are super great. I know that a lot of it depends on my own attitude on a given day, and I am trying very hard to work on that. I’ve only had to yell at three kids so far and they have been good since. Yay! Although my aide has detention on Tuesday because the shit won’t carry the classroom pass when he runs errands. (He earned this today. Cause I just got the pass *today*. I had him last year and so we get along and have lots of struggles with “who is in charge.” S’all good though.)

We start Writers Workshop today and I have their assessment packets finally. I get to do my first round of big grading this afternoon. It’s so exciting! heh. The pile is somewhat intimidating when I have this many students… It’ll be good though. I have confidence in them!

In block letters across the front of my room I tacked up: “Today is the first day of the rest of your life! What do you want to accomplish?” I ask different kids to respond to it almost every day. I’m getting some good answers and some smart ass answers. It’s a good tool though. I don’t know all of their names yet. I know about half. *sigh* That is not enough! I know the talkers and the ones with weird names. I’m having trouble with my 4 Breanna/Briana/Breanas. And I have 5 Michaels. And Kelsey/Chelsey/Kaylee/Cayleigh. And three Ashley/Ashleighs. Oy. Guess what names I won’t pick for my kids? The weird thing is–I feel awkward about talking about the really cool and unique names because that feels like I’m saying too much about a person. How odd.

But it’s going well. I am a full month ahead on planning for English 3 and I’m only two days ahead on Comp & Lit but the district is giving me textbook training on Tuesday and it seems dumb to go far ahead…