I love my husband. He’s always pushing me to be better. He is willing to listen when I try to encourage him to be better.
Lots going on inside my head that I desperately want to talk about and I don’t have time or words. I so madly want to be able to figure this stuff out and I don’t think that will happen for a while.
I just read the sub log from Friday. I’ve been freaked out cause I got the awful sub. He said over and over how great and amazing my kids were and how he didn’t have to do anything to enforce discipline.
Duh. My kids wouldn’t dare.
Ok, that’s my brag for the day. 🙂
(Have I mentioned that my kids *love* me? They won’t mess up because then I get upset and ask what I have done that has let them down so much that they think that behavior is acceptable.)
Today I have a kid in class for the second time this year. I barely recognize her. I consider this a victory even though I had nothing to do with it. I have comp & lit kids borrowing: Slut, Bitch, Cutting, and a book about coming out. They are all rather sophisticated books on interesting topics despite the names. 🙂 They are doing an amazing job of reading. My kids are now keeping reading logs and their reading rate has gone up significantly. They are *reading* for 20 minutes a day without complaint or falling asleep. (Ok, once in a while someone dozes a bit, but they are usually sick or under a lot of stress.)
This is successful. I’m amazed. 🙂 I have more classroom participation than my mentor teacher can believe. She taught this class for 9 years and she is flat out shocked at how well my kids are doing. That feels so good.
I want to leave work at 3:10 tomorrow. That means I have to be done with everything for the next four school days before I can leave tonight. I’m almost done. I am hating this vocabulary list though. Then I just have to make a metric ton of copies. Hmmm. Maybe I should start on that while I am doing the vocab search. Multi tasking = working smarter not harder.
I’m getting close. And I’m tired and hungry. But I’m damn close. Maybe another… 40 minutes?
I have decided that I will be staying home on Friday. I haven’t had a single day completely off of work in almost 6 weeks. Every day I at least grade papers or lesson plan. I need a break. This isn’t optional anymore.
On Thursday I am having dinner with a lovely lady who asked me to spend some time with her last weekend and I wasn’t available. Her invitation came after a few hours of feeling miserably lonely and like no one cared about seeing me unless I made all of the effort. The timing was so incredibly wonderful. All of a sudden I felt like someone really liked me and I really needed that. Thank you.
So this weekend on Friday I will stay home and get all of the furniture out of my house that Noah and I no longer want to keep. I will be moving it into the driveway and then posting an ad on Craigslist saying first come first served. I just want it gone. I am going to do the legwork for getting rid of the truck. I am going to hopefully get to the stage of arrange for someone to come and get it. I am going to fill out the last of the paperwork for changing my name and send it in. I am going to go to the DMV and deal with all of that mess (HOV stickers and changing my drivers license).
I have invited some friends over for dinner, invitation is pending waiting on their schedule. It would be really nice to see them because I haven’t gotten much social time in a while. I need snuggles. But if they need time at home that is very understandable as I have needed a lot of that time lately myself.
Saturday I am going to slack like mad during the day. Then I am going to a friend’s birthday bbq for some awesome snuggles. I will do *no* work.
Sunday I am going to slack all day. Maybe… watch a movie. Eat some Devon Cream and jam on tasty bread with my gorgeous husband. I will do *no* work.
This weekend I will be reminded that I have the best friends and the best husband ever. And I will revel in every minute of it.
The research project I am going to have my kidlets do in the upcoming weeks.
I am going to get Daphne Gottlieb to read some poems and let me interview her on a podcast for my class!
YAY!
I wonder if I will be able to keep from hitting on her… 😀
I cried the entire way to school. I cried so hard that technically I shouldn’t have been driving as there were minutes at a time when I couldn’t really see. And I got to school to receive a nasty email from a parent telling me that I have to give her more information. I can’t do everything that is wanted of me right now. I can’t.
All I want to do right now is self-mutilate. But that is one of the things I am not supposed to do. I want to do other various self harming things. I’m not supposed to. So I decided that I wouldn’t eat today. No one has told me I am not allowed to do that. It’ll hurt. It will make me feel physically as shitty as I do emotionally. But if I do that then I can’t do my job at all. And that isn’t allowed.
I’m going to break. I don’t know what is going to completely go, I don’t know how I am going to collapse and fail, but I am going to. I feel it.
It doesn’t seem like I am allowed to have a good day. Right now I feel so overwhelmed and helpless that I really want to do some serious self-harm. I don’t see how this is going to be a good day or a good night.
I am turning into the teaching assistant. It’s pretty funny. And he is spending an enormous amount of time on itunes. This is completely not helpful for the deaf ASL teacher sitting near me. And I ran to my car for a batch of cd’s so I’m importing them all right now. 🙂 Yay for multi-tasking. Half the class borrowed cds so they can figure out the program. Ha.
Rob says:
The 5.5 million people who live in Papua New Guinea speak 820 different languages, or one per every 6,707 people. Two villages within an hour’s walking distance of each other may use utterly different tongues. The situation there has a certain metaphorical resemblance to the current state of your fate, Virgo. The various parts of your world aren’t communicating with as much fluidity and frequency as they should be. Your job in the coming weeks is to serve as a master translator, spreading understanding among them. It’s time to unite the fragments.
Seriously creepy. Yeah. My life isn’t working well this week. Damnit.
Oh, I’m liable to be posty today unless this training gets more interesting. 🙂
I have worked 41 hours in the past 3 days. I have 24 hours of training over the next 3 days and grading to do.
My house is messy. It is stressing me out.
I keep freaking out about personal things that I shouldn’t freak out about. I’m such a mess.
I feel like I am drowning right now. I know things will get better, but getting through the next couple of weeks is going to be brutal.
I keep getting angry about things and people in my personal life. I kind of like that I get to hide behind my job and not deal with people. There are a few people in particular right now whom I would cheerfully bash over the head with a pool stick. It isn’t so much what they have done as just that they exist and I am sick of dealing with them. Unfortunately, said activity would have negative repercussions on my social life. Fuck.
I can describe my life right now and say, “I go to work. I grade papers. I go to trainings. I get up way too early in the morning. I hardly ever see my friends. I spend most of my spare time working or cleaning house.”
And it’s all true. It just sounds like so much more of a downer than my life feels like. I’m working 6 days a week and usually 9-11 hour days. (Weekend training can be as short as about 4 hours. Whoo hoo!) No matter how much time I put into my job there is an infinite amount of work left to do. I vacilate hard between feeling like I am doing a good job and feeling like I am not doing as much as my kids deserve. But my comp & lit kids are doing more work than anyone has seen this kind of group do in years. My juniors are feeling challenged but they aren’t drowning. That is the balance I am searching for. I have unit plans in place for this entire grading period and that makes me feel really good. I have a lot of grading to do, but I am more up to date on it than anyone else in my department so I can’t really feel too bad about it.
I spend most of my time at home, this means I get to spend most of my time with Noah! I am continually blown away by how wonderful he is. Does this mean we always get along? Of course not–I’m a pain in the ass. But he puts up with me cheerfully and helps me figure out why I’m feeling out of sorts which means that hopefully we are making progress towards less-cranky. It’s a goal.
Our house is coming along. He is surprised at how much organizing I have done so far. Yay for kitchens with food in them! 😉 I’m really happy about the nesting process. We have probably a month or two more of work before we can start painting given that I only have a day a week to work on stuff. I’m hoping that I can do lots of work during Christmas break. It would be good.
I’m busy, stressed, tired, and happy. I guess that is all I can ask of life.
I don’t wanna go to this training. 🙁
My sex drive goes in waves. I realize that it does for everyone, but mine seems to peak higher than most peoples’. And my low tends to be near some peoples’ high.
Right now it is just nuts. I want sex *all* *the* *damn* *time*. Even at school it is hard to keep my mind off of it. Yes, I am having lots and lots of good sex. But I want probably 2-3 x’s as much. I want to be fucked hard. I want to be held down and used. I want to be beaten. I want to be tied up and left to writhe in my agony. I want…
It is strange. Cause it isn’t like I am doing without.
but Happy Birthday tigman!!
I’m glad life is going well for you sweetie. 🙂
Friday I came home from work and fell asleep within 20 minutes. So my Noah settled in for an evening of WoW. I don’t blame him, but given how little sleep I got all last week I was kind of cranky when I woke up two hours later and he continued playing for two hours after I woke up. Enh, such is life. I feel really guilty when I am cranky but we usually end up talking about good stuff. He rocks so hard.
Saturday I got up at my normal 6am. I got dressed and went off to a work training in a fairly serious bad mood. It did turn into being probably the best training I have ever gone to so by 20 minutes in I was over my unhappiness. I got some really good stuff. After the training I went to my school and did cleaning, organizing and lesson planning all day. My cutie baby came and spent time in the room with me and we got to talk a little. He rocks! After grading papers I got to chaperone a dance. At the dance many of my kids were total jerks and I felt very disappointed in their behavior. 🙁 So today I have been talking to the kids and telling them why their behavior wasn’t cool. They are taking the lecture pretty well.
Sunday we cleaned house and did grocery shopping. Noah did a *fabulous* job of cleaning the refrigerator. 🙂 It was awful. Our kitchen is about as blacksheep_lj modified as it is going to get and boy howdy am I grateful. 🙂 We were totally dead by 8 and struggled to stay up till 9 so I wouldn’t wake up too terribly early this morning. With the addition of 5-htp (my moods have sucked lately) I had some really awesome dreams. I rescued my “sister” (not my actual sister but some person who was my sister in the dream) from a middle eastern prison by suspending myself from a high window and lowering myself to the room she was in. (For some reason they used a high rise building as a jail. I think it wasn’t a real prison but she was a political prisoner in some random government building.) It was cool. In another dream I was wandering around a city in Africa with karenbynight and she was pregnant. That was really odd. I know I had a few other odd dreams but I can’t remember them right now.
And this morning I got to wake up and talk to my mother-in-law. She drops hostile comments about Noah into the conversation at various points and that makes me sad. Stuff like, “All of us did cartwheels when he moved out of state and we hope he never comes back,” and, “His brothers are so glad they don’t have to deal with him daily anymore,” and they really made me sad. 🙁 I’m going to think about how best to let her know I don’t want to listen to her slam Noah. If she dislikes him so intently maybe we shouldn’t come back at all? 🙁 I know he is so incredibly wonderful that I feel sorry for her that she doesn’t know.
Boy howdy. I woke up a serious Mrs. (holy shit) CrankyPants. Wait… does that make Noah Mrs. CrankyPants? 🙂 Everything made me cry. We forgot to put food in the refrigerator last night, I couldn’t get email to work right, and I started freaking out about a work problem. So I cried and wasn’t very nice. 🙁 Noah told me I wasn’t allowed to say bad things about his wife though. I’m working on it.
Making copies was a hassle cause the machine in my building is broken. Erf.
But in 2nd period I gave my kiddos a little psuedo inspirational speech (we had a bad day on Wednesday) and they worked their asses off all period. I feel much more happy with them than I did earlier this week.
3rd period is taking the monster test. A few people have finished a little early (one chick is just totally going to fail, another couple are probably going to do well) but overall they are busting ass to get it done. Last night was the all-nighter to decorate for Homecoming stuff and they are seriously wasted. I’m impressed with how hard they are working anyway. I also had a kid bring me an apple. 🙂
I’m trying really hard to rally my craptastic mood. The kids are being so good.
Thank you baby for being nice to me when I am not being very nice.
Dear God.
One of my cute little lesbians just wrote a story and referred to me in the story as “that sexy bitch.”
I am convulsing. Dear God.
This after someone else in this class told me I look 40. Strange children.
Unless you use them to keep track of how many times you have sex in the first year of your marriage. 😀
This way we will insure that the adage of “If you put a penny in a jar for every time you have sex in the first year of your marriage and then take a penny out each time you have sex in the years after that the jar will never be empty” will not come true. Cause we are competitive. 🙂