Today is a shitty day. I’m irritable and impatient and that isn’t ok with my kids. I yelled at 2nd period and told them I am tired of them blowing me off and ignoring me. I told them that if they aren’t going to bother to try, why should I give them lots of extra help? I had a bunch of kids not do what they were supposed to do as far as getting an id badge goes. I feel shitty and stupid and mean. I have one kid who left and hasn’t come back.

I feel terribly out of sorts and I don’t know how to get back on track.

Last night was hard for me. I don’t know how to handle the fact that you have a hatred of dressing up. I often feel like dressing up is more of a problem than anything else with/for you. I like to dress up. I like to feel sexy and desireable and quite frankly I frequently don’t. I know you want me, but I don’t see myself as someone who should be desired most of the time. So I dress up. And these days dressing up is turning into more hostility than not. I’m trying to feel sexy and fun because I need the shot of ego and you don’t want me to flirt or lead you on. You basically tell me that it feels bad to you. I’m not telling you that feeling that way is awful or not ok, I’m just saying that it is hard for me because I don’t know what to do with feeling so conflicted. I want you to want me to dress up, but that doesn’t seem to work.

I have to go. I have more to say, but I don’t have time right now.