This weekend a couple of things have come up which have been hard. Ok, so one didn’t exactly just come up now, but it was focused on with great force.
In therapy we were talking about how upset I am about the upcoming trip to Texas to meet Noah’s parents. I had originally asked for us to stay in a hotel so we could have more autonomy but through a series of unfortunate events it sounded like we were going to be at the mercy of his mother and her whims for the entire trip. Being me I shut my mouth, gritted my teeth, and was trying to brace myself for the trip. But the anxiety was getting worse and worse and worse. I ended up crying through a lot of therapy because I just can’t bare to be at someone’s mercy like this. I am so freaked out about meeting them, period, that I just can’t be at her beck and call the whole trip or I will freak out. But I’ve been really afraid of talking to Noah about this so he’s been assuming that I was fine with the arrangement.
I finally talked to him yesterday in the midst of my panic attack about how upset I was. How most of the problem was the control. I can’t really handle not being in control of where I am and how I’m getting around. He listened really well. He was willing to do whatever I needed in order to make this situation one where I am not doomed to misery from the outset. Lots more talking later and we are renting a car and getting a hotel room for some of the trip. (During the rest we get to sleep in an out building with a lock on the door so his mother can’t come wake us up before we’re ready.) I’m feeling much better. I’m nervous about how his mom is going to take the news, but that is going to be better than the alternative.
I’m still having a hard time with my family, but that shocks no one.
And yesterday I sucked ass at holding boundaries. I was trying to be supportive of a friend and I did it in a horrible way for me. I let her think encouraged her to think that it would be just fine if she used Noah as her standing ego boost. I shouldn’t have. I should have told her, actually no… Noah isn’t doing that kind of thing right now–neither of us are. But I didn’t. And now I’m scared that I am going to have to say it at some point in the future. I’m having a pretty hard time with the fact that I can’t figure out how to hold the boundaries I think should be in place right now. It isn’t that I am trying to take Noah off the market completely and forever, but I think we should develop a ‘we’ before adding in the complications of other people. It’s hard enough to deal with my insecurities without there being a person to point at and feel insecure about. I think I can learn to be secure here, but I’m not there yet. But I also don’t want to present myself as his jailor. 🙁 I want to be the carefree openly sexual girl but right this minute I can’t be.
But I also don’t want to present myself as his jailor.
Probably more I might say, but right this moment, all I keep thinking is that it’s not jail if he’s there by choice. Seems wise to do whats best for the both of you, as you need to. Other people will still be around later. 🙂
I don’t think you have much to worry about with the encouraging someone else to be interested in Noah. Flirtatious behavior is not a contract, and most people understand that some ideas thought up in the heat of the moment don’t survive more more careful scrutiny, and so should be taken as good intentions rather than serious intent.
I think it was really important and good that you told him what you were having such anxiety over the trip. I’m sorry it had to get to panic attack stage for you to be willing to confess to it. I know you….”gritting your teeth” and getting through it doesn’t work….everyone can tell you’re gritting your teeth, and it ends poorly. 🙂 Don’t be afraid to tell him what you are thinking. He’s a great guy, and he wants to keep you happy and balanced.
As for your concerns about boundaries in sharing Noah….as I recall you’ve run up against this issue already in the not too distant past…as much as you rationally want to feel openly sexual and carefree, this relationship is different. You have so much more invested in it and you’re opening yourself to it in such a different way. It’s not surprising that you feel more vulnerable to potential consequences/repercusssions that you didn’t worry about as much in other situations. I think Noah understands that, and I don’t get the impression he’s feeling limited by you.
Keep up the good work. I”m proud of you.