Monthly Archives: December 2006

Sarah asked…

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“What were the five most memorable moments for you in 2006? Happy, sad, weird – moments that stuck in your mind and flash by when you think of the year.”

1. Looking at Noah and for one split second being terrified that I was making a huge mistake but then realizing that no, being married by a Walrus really was for the best. (Ok, seriously: I had this moment where I knew I was absolutely making the right decision. It was wonderful.)
2. Meeting Noah’s parents. Ok, I’ve done it.
3. Having my best friend over for dinner and sitting on the floor eating it off of Hercules plates and getting into the juicy bits of our respective psyches’ and hearing him tell me, “I think you will say no but I will never forgive myself if I don’t ask. Will you marry me?” Ok, so given that this was Noah there were like 75 more words in that brief little sentiments and lots of repeating himself… but my memory is good at condensing. 🙂
4. When I was about 25 seconds into the agony of my first tattoo appointment when I stopped and went, “Holy shit. What the FUCK am I doing?!?!!!!!” I’m still working on it anyway.
5. Strangely I think the last one was on my trip to New York. That was my first serious trip like that alone. I got to be dependent only on myself in a way I have never been before. I was so terribly lonely for most of it–I am so needy when it comes to my support network. I’m going to mention specifically the desk guy at the hostel who developed a mad crush on me during that week of being in the building. 🙂 He was sweet.

Amazingly well written article.

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terpsichoros posted an article about Noka chocolate yesterday and I finally finished reading it. It is fairly long, but completely worth the time and energy. I am seriously impressed by the work of the author.

As a side note: Davisites! Is anyone interested in trying some of this chocolate? It is made by 7 young girls in Davis and I am interested in trying some. They will hand deliver in Davis and I think that is great. Oh, and for folks outside of Davis–it’s worth looking at anyway.

Free shit!

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🙂

Don’t you love Christmas vacation? Nothing to do but clean house, get rid of stuff, and post on lj. I’ll shut up again soon, I promise.

We have four prints that we would like to get rid of. The frames are about 6″ by 6″ square and in the center is a smaller kanji character. According to writing on the back they say: Laughter, Clarity, Love, and Energy. They have mottled colored backgrounds in the inner 3″ by 3″ square with black characters. They are actually nice looking but I am of the opinion that if I have to read the translation on the back and hope it is right, I shouldn’t have it up on my walls.

Anyone want them?

Horoscope Wednesday

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Virgo:
In Kabbalah, the tree of life is the primary symbol of the universe. In Norse mythology, the World Tree links heaven to earth and shelters all living things; beneath it lies a magical well with water that confers special powers on those who drink it. The ancient Chinese spoke of a peach tree that bore a single fruit once every three millennia, and provided immortality to anyone who ate it. In the mythic tradition of modern science, trees have a crucial role in maintaining the ecological health of the planet. I mention all this, Virgo, because in 2007 you’ll benefit tremendously from deepening your relationship with trees–both the actual and mythical kinds. Get to know them better. Learn from them. Plant some. Put a picture of a favorite tree on your altar. Hug one now and then.

Ironic considering the tattoo on my back. Also: hey Noah, remember telling me I could plant a tree?

And just to encourage your overwhelming laziness…
Gemini:
“Dear Rob: Did you ever hear of that monstrous experiment in which a monkey actually died from lack of touch? I often feel like that poor creature. For a while I thought I was being selfish to want more love, but now I’m sick of that idiotic intellectualized self-denial, and refuse to pretend I’m a self-sufficient saint who can go through life feeling a chronic grey bathwater haze of half-assed passion. Is there any hope? -Deprived Gemini.” Dear Deprived: Good news! The possibilitythat you’ll be inundated with love is higher in 2007 than it has been for years. Here are two tips to make it more likely that you’ll be inthe right places at the right times to capitalize: (1) Make yourself supremely lovable; (2) increase your capacity to give love.

Baby, I think you don’t have to worry about going out and finding it. Just keep being you.

Fine fine, Leo too:
My beautiful and talented Leo friend Alisha had a traumatic experienceearly in her romantic history. At age 17, she fell in love with the garbage man who hauled away her family’s trash every Saturday. Through her persistent efforts, the two of them started dating, even though her parents hated his surly vulgarity, his permanently dirty fingernails,and the fact that he couldn’t read. After a whirlwind affair, alas, he broke up with her. Ever since, even as Alisha has learned to make better choices, she has carried the tragicomic embarrassment of having been dumped by a mean, illiterate garbage man. But I predict that in2007 she’ll be healed: Delightful adventures in love will utterly expunge that old twinge. Moreover, I believe many of you Leos will find comparable romantic redemption.

Hm. I could make some comments on that one. I’ll be good though. Good. Good. Good. Good. Good……
EDIT–
And noirem mentioned her moon sign so I looked at mine too. It made me fall over laughing, so here you go Libra:
According to The Onion newspaper, the Catholic Church has abolished the traditional “blessed” status of the meek. The new official story is that the meek shall not inherit the earth. One Church official was quoted as saying, “Everything about the meek, from their quiet demeanors to their utter lack of can-do spirit, goes against Church philosophy.” I can’t confirm the accuracy of The Onion’s report, but it does underscore a point I want to drive home to you in 2007: It’ll be a favorable time for you to get tough with the docile, submissive aspects of your own psyche. Humility’s fine; that can stay. But you should take aggressive measures to lose any tendencies you might have to be passive. Capitalize on the fact that events in the coming months will help you tap into reserves of courage that have previously been inaccessible.

Dream

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I have had this dream off and on throughout most of my life. A brother figure (I don’t think he is one of my actual brothers) and I are playing in the woods somewhere and we manage to stumble into a witch. She keeps us prisoner but not in a completely malicious way. She has a daffy husband who is no help, but who does no harm who kind of tries to make things easier for us. She is evil, but I hurt her and punch her and lash out nearly constantly and she doesn’t punish me. Eventually she tells us there is a way out if we really want to leave her.

By this point my brother isn’t real enthused about leaving. The witch is far kinder to him. I think she doesn’t punish me to show him that she is wonderful and like a boy he is stupid enough to believe. We have to run to the far side of her land and find our way out through the right door in a house. There is no such thing as day or night in this land so we run and run and run and I don’t know how many days we run for. Sometimes my brother carries me because he is bigger and stronger but when he does the witch catches us. She runs with us the whole way to taunt us. We have the right to get to the house and she can’t stop us till there. But most of the time I pull at my brother to make him run faster and we leave her behind at least for a while.

Last night I got to the house. Sometimes I don’t. Last night when I opened the door into the house I found a hallway with three doors. I picked the door in the middle. This lead into another room with two doors and I picked the door on the right. When we got ‘outside’ the house on the other side it looked like a backyard. We hopped the fence to get out of the yard, but then there was another fence and we hopped that too. When we got to the ground it looked like a very generic suburban neighborhood. We started walking and my brother got real excited. I don’t know how I knew, but I knew we had picked wrong and i started screaming and throwing rocks at the windows of the houses.

Then the witch appeared and started taunting me. We were instantly back in her home area of her kingdom and she asked me if I was going to be stupid enough to try and leave again. Usually I have this dream over and over getting more and more frustrated with making the wrong decisions. I don’t really want to get into this cycle.

{my shit} And it begins

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This morning I had a chat with my nephew’s father. I’ve known the gentleman for oh… 19 years so it was a friendly chat. I apologized for calling him with such unpleasant reasons but he said that was ok. He found out that my nephew has been using at Thanksgiving and wasn’t sure what to do. I explained to him that due to the nature of my job I am actually legally required to call CPS. He then proceeded to tell me that technically he has full legal custody and he is willing to back me 100%. He has felt rather frustrated and unsure of what to do in the last month (he was always kind of a wuss) but he will be making an additional call to CPS today.

My sister has a long and sordid history with the law. Many drug offenses, both major and minor color her legal history. My understanding is that anything that will put her in front of a judge at this point is likely to put her in prison. I know she has been supplying many minor children with drugs and alcohol for the past few years and I am willing to bet that me turning her in is going to result in her going to prison. I believe her children deserve to be removed from the abusive and neglectful household. I am going to work very hard to ensure that this happens.

I have many mixed feelings about this, of course. This is going to sever completely whatever ties I have with my biological family–probably permanently. This being the second time I have turned a family member into the system to be held accountable for their actions. This will be viewed as entirely inappropriate behavior, and I’m ok with that. I really believe that this is the right thing to do.

My nephew has told his father and I that his mother is rarely ever at home. This is a continued pattern that has existed since their early childhood. I know well. When I was 15 she disappeared for the summer and only brought us groceries once a week. Other than that she was out partying. I don’t want to see my niece go down this road and I will do anything I can to prevent it. This is still very very hard.

*sigh*

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Just got back from dinner with my nephew. He was stoned off his ass. He was not entirely coherent. I told him, it isn’t that I have a problem with all drug use period, it is that a 17 year old habitually using drugs means that he has a problem.

Like mother, like son. 🙁

{dirtier} A meme rbus started

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He asked people to tell about a funny related to sex story. My story won’t be as funny as his, but it makes me giggle.

In the not too distant past when I was coasting back into the community after my hiatus while dating Puppy I was entertaining the idea of sleeping with lots of different people. I hadn’t done that much of it yet, I was still trying to decide who my next few conquests would be. Planning these things out is a good idea. There is a fellow in my local area who thinks Quite Highly of himself and he seemed to be deciding that I would soon be in his thrall. Near as I can tell, his MO is to push girls into having huge crushes and then string them on for quite a while. He only rarely actually sleeps with anyone. Ok, fair enough. I realized what he was doing after a month or so and decided I would *not* be one of his faithful groupies hoping for a look or some action.

The next time I saw him, after deciding to fuck with him, we started doing the hot and heavy making out thing we had been doing and just as things started to get very feverish and he was likely to pull away soon I pushed him off of me and said, “Enh–you aren’t going to follow through so I am done for now. Thanks!” I turned and walked away. About 15 feet away I turned to look at him. His mouth was hanging open in shock. He looked dumbfounded that someone had played his game on him. I laughed and kept going.

This game kept going pretty much until I stopped this last phase of slutting around. He kept trying and trying and trying to get me to be more engaged and fall for him and I just wouldn’t. That was fun. 🙂

[side note: I was in a craptastic mood this morning but a few hours of sex and all of a sudden I’m in a great mood!]

Love drama.

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In other news, I’ve been talking to Tom more. After the fairly disasterous dinners we have been talking via IM and talking about some of the actual problems we have had and why they have existed. It’s good. The funny part is, at least a small piece of this was motivated by his most recent ex finding out that someone is friends with me and getting bitchy about it. I went and asked Tom WTF and he is confused too.

Love when people strongly dislike me enough to talk shit about me when they have never had a conversation with me. I want to be mature like that when I grow up!

Oh yeah, Christmas

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It is in oh…54 hours. Maybe I should put more information out. Ok, so I was kicked in the backside and told to do so.

Our idea is to sit around the house and eat leftovers (no guarantee on how much food we will have), open pressies, watch silly movies, be snarky. I promise no more than this. We would like it if people did not arrive before 10. No clue as to when we will want to kick people out cause I’m on vacation and Noah took the 26th off.

Uhm… if you want to bring food/drink feel free to call and ask us what we have/don’t have. You are not required to bring food or drink, but if you whine about our lack of food I will be directing you to a local Chinese restaurant and you will be required to bring me back chow fun.

#: 510-770-1590
43167 Newport Dr.
Fremont, CA. 94538

I have 4 RSVPs so far. It would be awesome if other people would tell me BEFORE you show up. 🙂

Unfamily

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I need to stop ranting at Noah, so here is some of the shit running around in my head that I keep saying over and over and I need to stop saying because I am wearing him out.

I feel like I was set up to hate his mother long before I went to Texas. Noah has told me horror stories for years about what an awful person his mom is and given my own baggage in this area, of *course* I have issues with her. She is abusive, domineering, and autocratic. What is there for me to like? Even given my ingrained bias I went trying really hard to have an open mind. I really did. I tried to be cheerful and friendly and I did not try to pick a fight. Even so, that is exactly what she has accused me of. She said I showed up and was constantly abrasive and looking for a fight. Her characterization of a conversation I had with her is about as different from mine as it could be. I was trying to be playful and funny and she said I was accusing her of being awful and picked a fight. ?! Uhm… ok… No, I’m not passive. No, I’m not quiet. I don’t think that means I am always trying to pick a fight. I told her flat out, “That was not me picking a fight. If you want, I can give you a demonstration of what it looks like when I pick a fight. I don’t think you will like it.” I was feeling kinda… punchy. If me being really really good is still met with anger and nastiness I feel there is little left for me to do.

I have now spoken with his dad on the phone twice since Thanksgiving. The first time he apologized for the inappropriate conversation that happened the night before we left and we talked about how I don’t want more abusive people in my life so I am just not going to deal with his wife. The second time he called me to bitch me out (very gently–he isn’t a forceful man) for sending Noah’s little sister the book The Mists of Avalon. They feel it is inappropriate for me to have done so and I should have checked with them first and gotten permission and by not doing so I am usurping that bitch’s authority. [Cake topper–part of the reason they deemed the book horrible is Noah’s brother doesn’t approve of the book either. When I asked him why he refused to talk about it. He just said hat he doesn’t but it doesn’t matter because it is “Mom’s decision anyway.” They both blame decisions on one another and refuse to talk about why. How mature is that?] Ok, his dad thinks he just called to find out my intentions in sending the book and to let me know that I should never take such an action again without permission.

So the first call was good and the second call was just awful. Me being me, I’ve been obsessing about the second call and trying to figure out how I want to become more ok with it and I wasn’t finding it in my heart to just walk away from it. So I called his mother. I told her that I gave his sister the book because I was trying to share something with her that had been very significant in my life at her age. If she wants to view that as a malicious act that is pathetic and ludicrous. I also told her not to have her husband call and bitch at me anymore. She claims she didn’t, but whatever. We got into quite a conversation that lasted almost 30 minutes. She told me off and I fought back tooth and nail. I will not be another person for her to step on. I told her flat out that I was doing my very best to be polite and friendly until she was being abusive with her daughter and that I just won’t tolerate. She responded in a way that indicated that she knows it is abuse, but “there are reasons for it that make it necessary.” Fuck. That. Noise.

I’m really glad that I told her off. I needed to do that. The more I let someone kick me the more and more pathetic I feel until my self-worth is in the toilet. Telling her that I won’t put up with her shit made me feel much better. I was very good at standing up for myself and not letting her bully me. I wasn’t abrasive though. I wasn’t real nasty I was just extremely firm about my boundaries in that way I am good at defending my boundaries. That was about when she threatened to sue me. Awesome. I still don’t know why. I think this is the last phone call I need to have with anyone in his family. I’m done. They are all willing to continue perpetuating this cycle of abuse and I’m not. Near as I can tell her only reasons for hating me are that I am not willing to let her walk all over me the way she does with everyone else. I’m too loud. I have too many opinions. Yeah? That’s too damn bad.

The even less fun bit

Periodic filter update

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{Edit} Leave a comment if you update your filter interests elsewise I won’t come check to see what you want to be seeing!! (This was a while ago and all.)

I have many filters. Most are at my discretion, but there are a few that are opt-in. Every so often I decide to ask people if they actually want to see these entries and seeing as there have been a few stalkers g-blog people adding in I thought I would let them get more of a choice than they usually get. 🙂 Everyone else can feel free to answer if you want to or ignore if you choose. 🙂 (That last part is a ‘duh’ but it makes me feel powerful to say it.)
clicky clicky

Awesome

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My mother in law threatened to sick lawyers on me! Or rather, she said that her not doing so already was a sign of the warm welcome she gave me. When directly asked, repeatedly, for what she refused to answer and just menacingly said, “We have the time and money to make things bad for you.”

Wow. That was… Special.

Side note: it makes me very unhappy that when I am ranting about this psycho I have to use the tag “family.” *sigh*

Interesting…

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So I have a profile up on www.couchsurfing.com and a couple of weeks ago I got a ping. This very nice Indian guy currently attending grad school in Indiana asked if he could stay from the 18th-23rd. I knew that five nights would cramp my sex life so I told him the 18th-20th would be ok. Arranging this involved many phone calls trying to determine what would be happening. He wanted me to approve everything he planned to do while here and that was interesting.

He arrived last night. He is excruciatingly polite. It is also interesting seeing what he is ok asking for and what he isn’t. He brought his own towel so he wouldn’t be an imposition, but he has asked us for driving directions and food and cold medicine this morning. He also would like an extra blanket cause he is crazy enough to try and sleep with the door open and that is a bad idea in this house in the winter.

He is not staying for breakfast. He is going to run off to meet up with his girlfriend and spend the day escorting her around the bay area. They have an action packed few days ahead of them. And the poor guy is really sick. I am giving him liquid dayquil today and several packets of pills for later in the day. He is looking forward to trying nyquil tonight. 🙂 I hope he has a good day.

This is such an odd experience. Yet, I’m really glad that I am finally in a place where doing this is easy. This is exactly the sort of thing that I think people should be doing so it is good that I am finally doing it! 🙂

Lazy day

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I haven’t done anything this morning. I’m feeling a little guilty about that. (I’m catching up on lj though!)

So I told Noah, “I got a lot done yesterday! I think that’s enough for one menstrual cycle!” Which amused me. Hopefully it will amuse someone else too. 😉