Which is caused by a strongly developed Super Ego which began forming after the full on Oedipal stage which… Ok. Too much teaching Freud this week.
We went and saw Freedom Writers last night. It was a good movie. However, in the way such a movie should be, it was inspirational that miracles are possible in the classroom if you care *enough*. Now of course I feel like I don’t care enough. I feel like my desire to stay home when I have kids is an abdication of the responsibility I knowingly took on. Yet…
At this point I am a mediocre-to-good teacher. I’m not amazing. I think that with practice, in a few years I could be a really good teacher. Right now I am still making too many mistakes to be really good. (Don’t bother arguing because in my opinion you have never been in my classroom so your opinion of my teaching isn’t terribly valid.) I would probably have to continue to spend ridiculous, overwhelming amounts of time at work as well. By the end of last semester I decided I was unwilling to do that. I love my job, but it’s my job. I want to have a life too. I want to pay attention to that spiffy husband I have. As it is, with significantly reduced work hours (I’m down to about 45 hours/week) I still don’t spend that much time with Noah and I hardly ever see friends. It’s irritating. A lot of the reason I don’t get to see people much is that my schedule is completely different from most people. I have to be in bed between 8 and 9 pm. My potential social hours are from 5-7:30ish. Yeah, most of my friends are barely off of work if they are at all. Staying up later means I am a cranky bitch at work for days. Weekends I can’t really stay up late either or it messes with my internal clock. Anyone want to meet to do something at 8 am on a Sunday? heh
So I am having perfectionist angst about my job. Then I stop and think about the fact that I really feel strongly that someone should be doing my job with as much or more passion as I am willing to put into it though I know that doesn’t happen very often. So when I go they will not likely find someone who is as excited about teaching (I make this judgment by looking around my department. Even the other new teachers are really shitty about big chunks of the job.) and I really doubt they will find someone as liberal. I think these kids need to have a teacher who encourages self-expression, especially annoying/irritating/strange self-expression. The little buggers have stuff to say! Really! Anyway. I’m feeling bad that I am going to abandon my job. I feel a tremendous amount of guilt that there will be kids who fall through the cracks because I am not going to be there to catch them. I don’t think I would catch all of them–but there would be a few. And I feel like quitting means I am saying those kids don’t matter.
I want to homeschool my kids. I think the educational system in our country and espcially in CA sucks ass through a straw. California is what, 48th in the nation? And given the direction I see education heading in the next few years (they are no longer teaching novels in 7th or 8th grades, they want to take them out of 9th and 10th next year… wtf?! And the arts are being cut like crazy and most of the math and science teachers are barely bloody qualified.) I am feeling pretty adamant that my kids deserve better and so they will not be subjected to the crap that is the public education system. But I feel guilt that I am bailing on the system instead of trying to make it better. And I have worries about whether I will be able to give my children a good enough and well rounded enough education on my own. I am very good at many things, but I am not good at everything and how do I help my kids learn things I don’t know?
Homeschooling means staying home means I don’t have a job for the next….???? years. Which means I am completely dependent on Noah. Cue panic attacks and hives! ’nuff said about that one.
Segway to a slightly different angst: the bdsm scene. I’ve been somewhat-to-majorly involved all of my adult life. I have been maintaining a lower profile due to my job for the past few years, but that is going to change soon. I am asked to teach classes often and I very rarely do for a variety of reasons. I think about it though. I think about the fact that I have things to say that I want to say that other people want to hear for some strange reason. (Not everyone wants to hear it, obviously–but there are enough people who come and find me because they respect my opinion and I am asked for classes enough that I think that some people care.) I think about the fact that I go back and forth about what I want to be doing in my ongoing life. I felt very fulfilled by M/s, but can I go there again? Can I ask Noah to? Do I want to? It’s all so confusing. I can’t shake thinking about it though. *sigh*
And then we just come down to–do I really have any business being a parent? I’m doing better than I used to in dealing with my shit, but I’m still pretty unbalanced. I still seesaw really easily emotionally. Should I subject little people to that? For a long time I tried to convince myself that I could get this stuff dealt with and I wouldn’t have to be crazy anymore. I no longer believe that. I’m always going to be volatile and mercurial. I’m trying to find some peace with on this topic and it’s hard. 🙁
Short version:
Perfectionism sucks.
You have at least as much business being a parent as I do. You care enough to think about it seriously and recognize the challenges. (Many people who have kids don’t think much about it first. They should, but I’m not in a position to enforce it. If I ruled the world…)
The energy and passion you bring to your job as a teacher is your gift to the students you have *right now*. I’m sad to see you taking on guilt for students you *might* have in the future if you did not home-school your kids. That’s borrowing trouble. I don’t think people should go there. If the right thing for you, Noah and your kids is home schooling, do it. As I understand it, there are good materials available – you don’t have to know everything to home school. There are also networks of home-schoolers who trade off teaching subjects to balance strengths and weaknesses, so again, you wouldn’t have to know everything.
You’re doing a lot of heavy thinking about important things. I think it’s natural to feel insecure about stuff like this – be gentle on yourself. I know you are capable, and I believe in you. I look forward to meeting your kid/kids.
Noah and I also really don’t want to send Kai to public school…. I’ve been trying to research other options, and would love to hear your thoughts. Homeschooling does sound rather appealing, but I definately would need to have more of a support network than I do now to pull it off. *ponder*
I was just talking to a mom who homeschools who has a small “ring” of homeschool kids and parents who share the responsibilities. It sounded attractive. She’s a former public school teacher who has two kids, one autistic, and both VERY academically advanced (as she loves to brag!).
My youngest sister (turning 16 on Saturday) is autistic, and my mother has said several times that if she weren’t getting the appropriate support from the school and Area Education Agency (that’s the structure in Iowa; no idea what they call it in CA), she would homeschool my sister.
Hasn’t made that choice so far…
In my experience with my sister, the academics aren’t the problem, it’s the social development. Socially, she’s ready for about 6-7th grade, and she’s in 9th. (she was held back a year.) But she’s always read ahead of grade level and found memorizing easy.
If I didn’t have to run off to school in two minutes I’d be saying plenty. I will be back though and I’ll say plenty then.
You’re a good thing. Don’t punish yourself lady.
*SMOOCH*
I was homeschooled for a while, and my younger sister has been homeschooled for all of high school (she’s a junior this year). I know a whole lot about it, if you ever want to pick my brain. 🙂
I think you are awesome, and I really understand about the difficulty of scheduling – because I am a full-time college student (and I take my studies very seriously), my schedule is really different from most people’s. Just wanted you to know that I can relate to that.
There’s some amazing homeschool resources not just for teaching, but helping parents feel connected. There’s tons of places you can go for socializing the kids too – public school sports (your kid’s home school), intramurals through any number of organizations like AYSO, YMCA, all sorts of stuff, that’s not only social, but would count for whatever gym credits they need. There’s tons of places to go for arts, for music, for science. As they get older, start a kids’ book group – yeah, even in 2nd or 3rd grade.
As for gifts – I like what someone upstream said about your gifts “right now”. I’ve found my gifts, or at least what I felt willing, able, and competent to give has changed over the last 10-15 years. I loved teaching preschool. And then it was time to find something different. I love my current job, which is similar, but sufficiently different that I’m more able to give back. I expect that will change somewhat in another 10-15 years.
Right now, what you’re doing is your gift. And in a few years, it may be time to use a different gift of yours.
what about private school?
Besides public schooling and home schooling, there is a third possible option which I haven’t seen raised here, if you and Noah can swing it financially (and on that I have no idea), which is _private_ schooling. There are some of these around I think might be good, though likely not all are, and that may be something worth it for you to look into, but of course YMMV.
Re: what about private school?
I have a lot of opinions about private schooling. Most of which are neutral to not so hot. About the same as I feel about public schooling. Are you aware that private schooling doesn’t have to have *any* requirements for who teaches? It isn’t that one can’t get a good education from private school, but one *can* also get a good education from public school if you are willing to move to a good district. It’s six of one in my opinion and it still means my kids are subject to the whims of the school system, which often disagrees with my principles.
Re: what about private school?
My older son went through elementary and middle school in private school and my younger one went there for a few years until my ex pulled him out over costs, so yes, I know a little bit about it.
Yes, you’d clearly have to find a private school who’s outlook is compatible with yours in order to make it worth considering.
Yes, there’s a clearly tradeoff between direct tuition cost of a private school and indirect cost of living somewhere with a better public school district.
It was just another option, and I didn’t know if it was being considered, much less what you thought about it, since it hadn’t been mentioned on this post thread before, and I think it’s good to at least know your options; that’s all.
Re: what about private school?
I think that my last comment came out more snarky and hostile than I meant it. I’m sorry. You are trying to be helpful in your typical wonderful way and I’m sorry I didn’t give you more immidiate recognition of that. Thank you for trying to make sure I am considering all options. 🙂
Re: what about private school?
Eh, it was a little snarky, but that’s part of your charm. (-:
And yes, I was just trying to think of things that might be helpful. From my own encounters and experiences through my kids, I thought it was worth considering.
I like you most in your imperfect human self, but I also have a great admiration and am personally motivated by how much you constantly push yourself to evaluate YOUR goals.
Finding YOUR life is the best example you can possibly make sweety. It’s not about what you do, it’s about how you do it …. and YOU ARE DOING IT.
*hugs*
By the end of last semester I decided I was unwilling to do that. I love my job, but it’s my job. I want to have a life too. I want to pay attention to that spiffy husband I have.
Yeppers. Me too.
So interesting that you are writing about almost the same stuff I’ve been thinking and feeling. How much of me needs to be hidden at work? What if I lose my job to have kids? what if they cut the drama program or mandate that you can’t teach drama without a specifically “drama credential”? Am I good enough? (almost) am I smart enough? (almost) do I care enough (yes but see answer 1 and 2)
oh and: Anyone want to meet to do something at 8 am on a Sunday? heh
Yes. Just it has to be a Sunday where I’m not trying to recover from a week of short-sleep. And a quick breakfasty sort of thing either before choir or a lunchy thing after choir would be just freaking dandy. Serious.