It is interesting to me to see who I want in my life and who I don’t. It is interesting to me to see what kinds of arguments I get in. I got into an argument about home schooling on Sunday. I have a serious issue with the people who believe that the only way to get proper socialization is to be forced to go to school. I happen to believe that school is a hostile environment and one I don’t think is beneficial to very many people. Ok, you disagree. Well… uhm, go you? Glad you fit in then.
I had an epiphany yesterday while reading the book Undefended Love my adopted mommy gave me. Maybe–just maybe I am not bad. It’s a very weird/disorienting/hard thought. But I’m going with it. It has been hard to stay present with it while going through some unpleasant interactions, but it’s going ok.
Hard therapy conversation. I told her stuff about my dad. I think I am going to journal it soon. It’s hard to be really honest and up front about some of it. I’m not sure if the stuff my dad did was worse or easier than the stuff strangers did.
I’m still not over him, and that is hard sometimes. I am trying to move past it, but it is not the easiest thing I have ever done. I grew up with him. He was my Daddy. (If you don’t know who I am talking about, don’t worry about it.)
I got bit by a spider. My arm hurts less than it did, but my forearm still hurts. I still have very little ability to grip with my hand. My stomach hurts, but my stomach almost always hurts so I’m not going to attribute it. I’m alternating being hot enough to sweat and feeling chilly. This seems bad. Apparently me being hurt is cause for some people to laugh. I will remember that.
Noah overwhelms me with how amazing he is sometimes. And sometimes I am reminded that he is a human boy and not totally perfect. That’s hard sometimes.
Best wishes, dear one.
Um…about the spider bite, if you’re experiencing symptoms other then just in the actual wound, I’d suggest going to the doctor. Those symptoms just don’t sound good. (I’ll admit this is coming from someone who freaked out about a little tiny spider bite, but still, take care of yourself.)
From what I have read, if you don’t have chest/abdomen cramping/pain it isn’t really worth going to the doctor cause there isn’t much they can do.
I just know that I have a gnarly headache and alternating hot and chills.
*hug*
Hope the bite heals soon. Remember, if muscle cramps spread to your back and so on, go see a doctor.
I knew you are not bad. I’m glad you’re getting to see that now.
Who is that book by? It sounds familiar.
My older sister homeschooled her kids about half of the time. I think they got on much better for it.
I’m down with the homeschooling if people are able to pull it off.
Take care girl.
http://www.amazon.com/Undefended-Love-about-yourself-first/dp/1572242086/sr=8-1/qid=1171354262/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1/002-4212546-2620049?ie=UTF8&s=books
Undefended Love, by Jett Psaris and Marlena Lyons. They’re local to the area, and when I first started reading the book, I looked for info about them on the ‘net (I *heart* Google). I did find their information, but at the time they were saying they weren’t scheduling any workshops. Since then, they have, indeed, started scheduling them again. Unfortunately, I got their notice about the early bird sign-up right about the time I lost my job, so couldn’t even think about laying down the $$$ for it. By the time I got the new job, and could afford it, they were sold out. But I’m on their mailing list, and I do intend to go, next time they have the basic workshop offered.
I knew it sounded familiar. I have the book and have half read it.
Truth is I prefer David Deida’s works. He covers some of the same ground but more from a non psychological point of view and more from a mystical/philosophical/tantric view.
His work has been good for my mind.
Now if he came to town and did workshop I could attend, I’d certainly want to go.
Thanks for the info.
My ‘dopted mommy and I both tend to like very psychology focused books. I know that at least I feel more comfortable in the realm of less woo woo. 🙂
Lol. Whatever works. I’m glad the book is helping you.
Still, I do highly recommend the Deida books.
Anyone that would laugh at you for hurting deserves to be kicked in the shins, and then laughed at. Unless, of course, they like that sort of thing. If so, no kicks in the shins for them… 🙂
As for pubic schooling vs. homeschooling, I suspect many of the people who feel so strongly that public school is the only way to be properly socialized are either a) romanticizing their own school experience and have either forgotten the bad stuff or are forgetting that public school is not the same as 20 years ago when they went to school. Or b) overreacting based on circumstantial experience with improperly socialized homeschooled kids.
I know a couple of the latter myself, but I don’t fool myself into thinking that this means that all homeschooled kids are poorly socialized and taught anti-science (even if that’s a little too common here in the US at times).
In my World Civ class is a home schooled kid who rocks everyone’s socks off. We all love her and are heaping praise on her. I asked her what she wants to be when she’s grown up, she wants to do Neuroscience. She’s JUST 18 and started her own program for teaching shakespear to gradeschoolers.
No idea what her parents did but she seems well socialized.
Of course you aren’t bad; you’re atypical. Biiiig difference.
“I had an epiphany yesterday while reading the book Undefended Love … Maybe–just maybe I am not bad. It’s a very weird/disorienting/hard thought. But I’m going with it. It has been hard to stay present with it while going through some unpleasant interactions, but it’s going ok.”
I think I may have told you that the book wasn’t going to be an easy read. Not sure if I told you, though, about how difficult it has been for me, in places. To the point of having to stop reading on BART, because I was making a spectacle of myself, with the tears streaming down my face, and choking back sobs.
When things have happened that create the kinds of bad feelings you and I often have about ourselves, it just wasn’t easy to read some of that stuff in there — that I was deserving of love.
But we are, sweetie.
Deserving of love.
Yes.
I have been crying a lot as I read it. It’s hard to process much of what it brings up. I feel as though I am not allowed to believe what it says just cause it disorients so much of my life. *sigh*
I’m trying.
I know. Sounds very much like what I was experiencing. It was almost like the me deep inside couldn’t handle the thoughts coming up because it was so foreign to think those things in relation to me. Others? Certainly. Me? Are you kidding?
You’re doing very well. Just remember to breathe. Remember that you’re not alone in this. You are lovable and loved.