Monthly Archives: May 2007

Apathy.

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I’ve never been good at transitions. I get impatient and want to be in the next stage already. The last few weeks of school are being brutal. I’m tired of having to go to bed at 8 so I can get a reasonable amount of sleep. I’m tired of not having much of a social life. I’m tired of getting up every day fussy about having to go deal with even fussier teenagers. It isn’t that I now hate my job, I’m just ready for vacation. I think this would be slightly better if I didn’t spend so much time on weekends working. But that isn’t to be. *beat head against wall*

School is over in 15 more days (including weekends). I have decided to bail on working graduation because I would be hostile the entire time.

Date Save!

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This filter is including a lot of people who are not in my part of the country, but I think that maybe you might be interested in having this information.

On July 21st Noah and I are having our wedding reception. If you see this you will be getting more information as we get a bit closer to the date. We just think a date grab is smart. 🙂

I would like to point out that a lot of this is Noah’s idea. He thinks that we should announce to our community that we are married or some such nonsense. I figure if ya’ll don’t know by now then us having a party isn’t going to inform you–but it’s all good. 🙂

Oh–please don’t pass information about this event around. We have a rather considerable guest list of people we want to invite and this is absolutely not a DHP. I repeat this is *not* an open invite party.

Good golly Miss Molly.

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The stack of grading is 5″ tall.

I am really looking forward to this being over. When this stack is done I have one more personal narrative essay to grade (due next Friday) and some simple reading quizzes.

Reminder! Grading at my house! Saturday!!! May 26th–I am going to be starting early in the morning because I have to get it done no matter what. Please show up as early as is convenient for you. 🙂

Random foodness

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I’m still on the yogurt/granola/fruit in the morning kick. I’ve been eating it until I feel extremely full instead of my normal breakfast of enough to feel not hungry. Lately I have been going all day on about 1/2 my normal food/snack quantity. My weight is dropping a little (down to 163 which makes me happier than 168 did) and I’m not being super cranky all day. Granola bars later in the day have never helped like the morning stuff is helping–I wonder how much of that is because the granola bars I buy are loaded with sugar and cause a significant crash not long after eating them. Hm. There might be something to this balanced breakfast shit. 🙂

Now I just need to start exercising again and my mood might improve significantly.

Horoscope

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Rob tells us Virgos:
The coming weeks will be an excellent time for you to become dramatically clearer about the nature of your ambitions. To jumpstart the process, read this insight from career counselor Robin Hirschberg: “People tend to confuse their purpose (‘What do I love to do?’), with their ideals (‘How am I comfortable behaving?’), and their desired results (‘What can I achieve?’).” Now get to work figuring out the truth about those three foundation stones, Virgo. Once you do that, develop a plan for getting them to work together synergistically.

It’s pretty interesting timing. I have already been working on some of my bigger ambitions and I have figured out a bit more about what is reasonable for me.

Parents suck.

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Ms. A-,

I wanted to ask you since our last conversation if b- has improved. I have noticed he still has a F in the class, and i was wondering what was going on with him. Since he has turned in his writers workshop essay will that help him at all? Since the begining of school B- has had an IEP. I need written proof of how you have complied with his IEP accomidations.

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Misspellings are not mine. Her inability to capitalize her son’s name properly is also reflected. Your kid has an F because he won’t do anything. This is not my fault or problem. His IEP mainly states that he gets extra time on assignments. I think that accepting anything from the beginning of the semester is enough fucking time to give him.

Stupid cunt. No wonder your kid is stupid and lazy. You enable him.

{my shit} Oh, look! I have a navel!

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I’ve been trying to figure out why I am so bothered by the kid calling me an asshole and the resulting fuss. It isn’t that I think I should be more respected because I AM THE AUTHORITY. No, just no–that isn’t my deal. I feel like when kids react to me that way that I am being told that I am bad. I wish I could just strike that word from my conscious. When kids aren’t doing what they should be doing and are failing I feel like they are doing so because *I* have failed. But I haven’t. I managed to push, pull, and drag over a hundred kids through a very successful year of English. Why do I feel like a failure because about 20 kids don’t care about school? That isn’t about me. And really–the number is only about 20 who have fallen through the cracks.

And stuff has been rocky with Noah all week for a variety of reasons. I’ve been thinking and thinking on why. It’s both awesome and frustrating that I can never say, “We are having problems because he is an asshole.” And even going so far as to say that we are having problems feels like an overstatement. I’m being confused and unhappy and grumpy in his direction; he is being quiet and patient and understanding. I really have the best husband in the whole wide world (for me). Today when I realized that I was upset about the kids because I feel like I am failing and bad I started to put two and two together that I am upset about the Noah stuff for the same reason. (Yes, this may be obvious to those of you watching at home–I’m slow.)

Talking about his family (or my family) sucks for me because I feel like any and all issues have to be because I am just terrible. So when there are problems I assume all blame internally even when I am saying out loud that it isn’t my fault. So I’m arguing with myself in my head about blame and I feel like shit. Then I lash out because it hurts and the only way I really know to deal with hurt is to hurt back, even if that just means myself. It’s quite the vicious cycle.

I got to talk to a neato chick yesterday about issues in our lives and issues we each had with Noah (SEE! I don’t hate all of his ex’s!!) and it was interesting getting the comraderie. So that lead to some more interesting talking with Noah. I started thinking about why I feel upset about some of it. Oh wait, I feel compared–which means I have to lose, cause I’m bad.

I really hate this word. I need to find a way to get it out of my head.

Continued tension

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My 2nd period is angry that I am not accomodating their every whim. They are also angry that I wrote a referral for the kid who called me an asshole. They are going to be furious when they find out that he is getting suspended for five days. This morning I was told that I am a fucking hypocrite because I cuss and I don’t let them. There is a big difference between allowing cussing and allowing them to cuss me out. I asked my aide what she thought of the situation because I have a lot of faith in her opinion. She said that I was giving a lot of criticism but I wasn’t being mean or unfair. She also thinks that calling me a hypocrite is inappropriate and that I don’t deserve it because I give them a lot of slack.

The kid who called me a fucking hypocrite is my big black gang banger and he walked in fifteen minutes late and told me “You better not mark me tardy” because if he gets one more tardy then he gets suspended for five days. I told him that he shouldn’t have been tardy then. He of course responded with, “But it’s not my fault.” Of course not. Nothing ever is.

I anticipate the next five-six days being very uncomfortable followed by near brawls in class. There are about four loud, rude, obnoxious boys who are going to be gunning for me. I’m thinking they may just be kicked out of class for basically the rest of the year. Two of them are already failing and the other two are barely hanging on to C’s. With the suspension the guy who called me an asshole is probably going to drop to a low D because he will be missing assignments and I don’t have to let him make them up. We’ll see how awful he is when he gets back.

I have several juniors who are complaining that it isn’t fair that they have to do a conference for the writing assignment due Monday. Uhm, you’ve had three weeks of notice. You didn’t get it done. This sounds a lot like your problem and not mine. I’m ready to stop pushing on the makeup work. I am setting next Friday as the deadline for any and all makeup work and I’m not accepting anymore this year. If you keep fucking up I don’t care. Take your bad grade. That way I don’t have to accept everything from all the kids who are bugging me.

You’ve made my shit list.

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Today a student called me an asshole because I told him that he needed to revise his paper. This is a kid I have bent over backwards for all year. I have let him turn assignment after assignment late. I am done. He gets 0 slack.

Son of a bitch. You DON’T curse me in class when I have been nothing but nice to you.

Luckily, when I explain to 3rd period how angry I am they behave like gorgeous little angels and tell me they love me and appreciate me.

Next roller coaster.

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This morning I had some less than happy stuff and I felt like shit. Then I heard a song on the radio and felt like maybe I was being stupid–I should just appreciate what I have and get over being so needy.

But then I went to work. I’m having a lot of trouble with the basic nature of teenagers. I would like to punch many of them. The attitude, the laziness, the sarcasm, the satisfaction with being ignorant…

I’m feeling very angry about the kids who are blaming me for their failing grade. Excuse me motherfucker you want to repeat that?! I very very rarely feel like this. I love my job. But today stupid teenagers are making me very angry. “What do you mean we have an essay due on Monday! I was absent! It’s not fair!” “Well, seeing as the assignment was posted on the board for three weeks and we started the assignment at the beginning of the semester I don’t think you get to claim any hardship.”

Fucking bitch. I am not fond of that whiny little shit. My swearing is a bit excessive today. I need to just stop talking.

Buttons, buttons, who can press my buttons?

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Ok, so the icon looks like this will be sexy. It won’t be. I just like the blindfold image.

Processing. I am so sick of processing I could scream. I feel like I am drowning in all the shit from my life. I’m not sure if writing about it is helping or hurting, but I know I need to do it. Things have blown up with my mother again. I think that it may be a long time before I hear from her again. She is coming up in June for my nephew’s high school graduation (which I wasn’t told about) and she said she wants to see my house. I’m not sure that is a good idea. I don’t think I want her to see where I live. I don’t think I want to have pictures in my head of her in my space. I’m so weird about “energy”. Sorry mom–I need to tell.

Noah got home last night. I’m not handling talking about his trip very well. There are things about the trip that upset me just because they upset me and there are things about the trip that upset me because they are shadows of the past. I am not really reacting to now and this problem, I am reacting to years of shit with my family. I am not now nor will I ever be part of Noah’s family, just like I have never really been part of my mother’s extended family or my father’s extended family, or really even my nuclear family. I am too much or too bad or too intense or too wrong or… too something. I feel so broken and defective, like there is nothing in me that is worthwhile. I don’t really believe that it is true, but I’m terrified that it is.

I’ve had problems with Stephen’s family and Tom’s family and Puppy’s family so I feel like the problems with Noah’s family really are my fault. Ok, so maybe the problems are all my fault because they seem to be following me around. They were different problems with each family though. I don’t know. Guilt doesn’t seem to need rationality.

And I keep wondering, given how toxic I seem to be–do I really have the right to bear a child? We are supposed to start trying so soon. I don’t feel like I really know if I should or not. Being broken sucks.

State of the meh.

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Julia rocks in so many ways. But way high up on the list: she ties me up AND she helps me do yard work. What more could one ask of a girl? Dude. Much rocking.

Today I have: done massive yardwork (including trimming the rose bushes), been to Costco to begin the arduous task of restocking a deep freeze, and had a shitty conversation with my mother. Happy fucking Mothers Day, bitch. I’m so sorry that I am not willing to keep my mouth shut to assuage your guilt. And it must be terribly convenient to be able to forget the horrible things you have said, but I am not so able to forget.

Today I should do: more reading quizzes. I’m having a lot of trouble finding the motivation.

Noah didn’t call today and the phone call yesterday was not all that I could have hoped for. I feel so very lonely.

This weekend has been weird in general. Lots of talking to ex’s…

Body image funk

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Got back the pictures of Noah and I at the dance. Whereas I can say that they are cute pictures my first response was, “Oh my god I’m chunky.” I’m also thinking about burning that dress so that I will never be seen in public in something so unflattering again.

*sigh* But you know what? I know that the women I look chunkier than (there is a group picture with all of the chaperones) are stick skinny and I wouldn’t *want* to look like that. Why is it that I think I look awful because I’m uhm well filled out but I think it looks fine or better on other people? Stupid double standards.

I have decided that I am not going to say out loud again that I look fat in the pictures. I look happy. I am all snuggly with my baby and he looks like he is having fun too. I am absolutely NOT going to say that I look fat in front of my students. I look like I’m grinning my head off. That is what matters. I am however allowed to make cracks about being so pale you can’t tell where the white dress ends and I begin. 😉

Oh yeah, I should announce travel.

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So! I’m heading up to the PNW.

The plan as of right now is: I will drive up to Portland sometime around the 19th/20th/21st of June. I don’t get done teaching until the 16th of June. 🙂 My strongest preference would be to go up to Portland by way of Humboldt and see the magnificent Bre and DA before getting all the way North. This is of course subject to negotiations of sleeping space. 🙂 If anyone has a strong preference for date, feel free to express it. I also want to make the further jump up to Seattle to see lovely people in that time frame. I would like to spend the weekend in Seattle of the 30th of June/1st of July. I may or may not spend time in Portland again on the way south before running off into the woods somewhere (any camping suggestions?) with Noah for our honeymoon. Yes, we want our honeymoon to be camping. 🙂

This means I am interested in seeing: Blacksheep and Vortlimpa, Bladerunner, Brehen, ihotpockets, Noelle (Would T be interested or available in spending a little time?), Phoenix, Malcolm (Maybe? Will you be available? How about your lovely wife?), Malixe, Matisse and Max, Meerkat, Shadowsintime, and DA.

That’s a weird mix of lj-names and real or sorta real names… 🙂 I will try to get out real emails but I suck at that given that I don’t have many peoples actual email addresses due to the last great hard drive death…

44 answers to 44 nosy questions (stolen from malixe)

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Cause I have nothing better to do.

1.Height?
5′ 5 1/2″ and it’s an important 1/2.

2.Have you ever smoked heroin?
No

3.Do you own a gun?
No and I feel somewhat conflicted about this. I am so rabidly pro-gun rights yet I’m nearly phobic about them. It’s weird being me.

4.What is your favorite car?
Honda Element. I want one a lot, but due to a few practicality reasons we bought a hybrid first and now it looks like I am not going to get one. I guess that is just how life goes–right? You can’t get everything you want.

5.Do you get nervous before doctor appointments?
Yes. Panic attack central.

6.What do you think of hot dogs?
I’ve never been a big fan and yet, every so often I want one. Usually covered with chili.

7.What’s your favorite Christmas song?
I’m strangely traditional on this one–Silent Night. It is just so beautiful to me.

8.What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
OJ

9.Can you do push ups?
Sorta, not really.

10.Is your bathroom clean?
*sigh* Not really and it won’t be during the school year.

11.What’s your favorite piece of jewelry?
I like my rings a great deal. I have always worn rings more than any other jewelry despite the fact that I don’t want to draw attention to my hands because I think I have ugly fingernails.

12.Do you like painkillers?
I loves me my vitamin I.

13.What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex?
If you can make someone feel important and interesting, they are generally up for most things you want them to do. I’m very good at making people feel that way.

14. Do you have A.D.D.?
Not even close.

15.Middle Name?
Lenora

16.Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment?
Don’t wanna go to work, don’t wanna see anyone but Noah, don’t wanna be so tired.

17. Name the last 3 things you have bought:
Food has been the last three things but for the sake of playing along–gas, an hour of my therapist’s time, can’t think of anything other than food. I’m very food focused.

18. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink:
Water, juice-I rotate between apple, orange, grape, pineapple, and cranberry, .

19. Current worry?
Is having a housemate a good plan?

20. Current hate?
Uhhh dinno. Probably this kid in 2nd period. I hate him.

21. Favorite place to be?
Wherever Noah is.

22. Where would you like to go?
I’m going to Portland this summer (hopefully Seattle to because I think at least one or two people there want to see me) and that’s the extent of where I want to go for a while.

23. Do you own slippers?
Blue and white fuzzy ones.

24. What shirt are you wearing?
A really neat button up that looks like a pinstripe version of a tux shirt with vertical ruffles. I like it.

25. Do you burn or tan?
Burn baby burn.

26. Favorite color(s)?
Pink and black.

27. Would you be a pirate?
Probably not. I’m too devoted to “doing what’s right” for that kind of thing.

28. What songs do you sing in the shower?
“Oh! I wish I was a little bar of soap!” and “No One Needs to Know” by Shania Twain both make frequent appearances, lately “Stand” by Rascal Flatts.

29. What did you fear was going to get you at night as a child?
Tommy

30. Last thing that made you laugh?
One of my kids. I spend a lot of time laughing at/with them. 🙂

31. Best bed sheets as a child?
No clue–this is a weird question.

32. Worst injury you’ve ever had?
I think I would have to say having half of my face ripped off by a pit bull. Yeah…. that takes the cake for me.

33. How many TVs do you have in your house?
One, and its days are numbered.

34. Who is your loudest friend?
Anna. Holy crap does that girl project.

What happened to 35?
I think I misplaced that one, but 36 was pretty great! (As copied from malixe cause I am too lazy to change it.)

36. Who is your most silent friend?
Most of my friends do the wall flower thing at least occasionally. I’m having trouble picking one, but maybe my coworker Josh. He talks so softly I usually can’t hear him and he doesn’t say that much. Amusingly, what he does say is generally totally freakin random.

37. Does someone have a crush on you?
Given the Valentine’s Day board messages I would say yes. But I don’t think that anyone who really knows me much has a crush so I would say “not that affects me”.

38.Do you wish on shooting stars?
Yes

39. What is your favorite book?
I have three favorites: Paint the Wind, Fortune is a Woman, and Walk in My Soul.

40. What is your favorite candy?
Milka

41. What song do/did you want played at your wedding?
Apparently I didn’t want one played at my wedding. 🙂

42. What song do you want played at your funeral?
I don’t know how people will want to remember me. I hope at least somewhat fondly.

43. What were you doing 12 AM last night?
Sleeping

44. What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up?
I wonder if Noah is awake. We tend to wake up together every day.