Buttons, buttons, who can press my buttons?

Ok, so the icon looks like this will be sexy. It won’t be. I just like the blindfold image.

Processing. I am so sick of processing I could scream. I feel like I am drowning in all the shit from my life. I’m not sure if writing about it is helping or hurting, but I know I need to do it. Things have blown up with my mother again. I think that it may be a long time before I hear from her again. She is coming up in June for my nephew’s high school graduation (which I wasn’t told about) and she said she wants to see my house. I’m not sure that is a good idea. I don’t think I want her to see where I live. I don’t think I want to have pictures in my head of her in my space. I’m so weird about “energy”. Sorry mom–I need to tell.

Noah got home last night. I’m not handling talking about his trip very well. There are things about the trip that upset me just because they upset me and there are things about the trip that upset me because they are shadows of the past. I am not really reacting to now and this problem, I am reacting to years of shit with my family. I am not now nor will I ever be part of Noah’s family, just like I have never really been part of my mother’s extended family or my father’s extended family, or really even my nuclear family. I am too much or too bad or too intense or too wrong or… too something. I feel so broken and defective, like there is nothing in me that is worthwhile. I don’t really believe that it is true, but I’m terrified that it is.

I’ve had problems with Stephen’s family and Tom’s family and Puppy’s family so I feel like the problems with Noah’s family really are my fault. Ok, so maybe the problems are all my fault because they seem to be following me around. They were different problems with each family though. I don’t know. Guilt doesn’t seem to need rationality.

And I keep wondering, given how toxic I seem to be–do I really have the right to bear a child? We are supposed to start trying so soon. I don’t feel like I really know if I should or not. Being broken sucks.

20 thoughts on “Buttons, buttons, who can press my buttons?

  1. i_am_dsh

    Having a child has brought up a lot of emotional stuff for me – it doesn’t seem like a way to *avoid* processing.

    *hug*

    Is there something *ideal* (either for you or by society’s standards) about any of those families who didn’t accept you? If you and they didn’t click, but you’re not that upset about it b/c they’re not that great, then don’t let it bug you. You have friends, colleagues, students, etc. who like/accept/respect and even *love* you, so those families are at least outnumbered.

    I’ve said this to you before, and I still believe it. I think that because you think so hard about the decision to have kids and how you’re going to make things better for them, you’re more qualified than most people who have kids.

    Reply
    1. Krissy Gibbs Post author

      I certainly don’t think it will be a way of avoiding processing. It will be a slightly different form.

      Actually I think all of these families are pretty fucked up.

      Thank you.

      Reply
  2. terpsichoros

    At what point do you quit processing and start looking for support? Is there a support group for children of abusive parents where you could get outside validation for your decisions to exclude your mother from your life? Because right now, it seems that you get verbal support from a few people, many of whom don’t have the background you do, counterbalanced by the guilt trip your mother lays on you plus the whole societal expectation of the role of motherhood. Talking to people who have similar experiences to yours who are dealing with the same decisions may help you more than happy talk from people like me who have no experience with that sort of problem.

    Reply
    1. terpsichoros

      That first line sounds kind of harsh, and I didn’t mean it to be. But sometimes, it’s much easier to deal with issues if you can get outside support/validation for your approach, especially if, as it seems, some of the internal conflict is based on your reaction to other people’s perceptions.

      Reply
      1. Krissy Gibbs Post author

        The only problem for me is that most support groups do a lot to encourage the problem to stay the same and very little encouraging serious actual change. Support groups don’t seem to be about moving on and I’m trying to. It feels like I do get over stuff, but then there is more beneath it. *sigh*

        Reply
  3. urangme

    In my world you’re not broken. I hear ya on the child thing, I’ve been dealing with feeling like I shouldn’t have a child because of my shit…still haven’t totally dealt with that myself. Hugs, or what have ya…

    Oh, and sorry for being a shit…I’ll be apologizing for that one for awhile…

    Tay

    Reply
  4. paulaandandrew

    An outsider’s opinion

    Any child/ren you have will be wanted and loved, afforded opportunities and wholly accepted into an extensive web of support which already surrounds you (albeit a somewhat unconventional web). Plus the gene pool for your kids is great. Both of you are very smart, funny, passionate, loving and kind. And you love each other. A lot. And you are committed.

    That puts that your child/children WAAAAAY ahead of many.

    Okay. So, you grew in CA and thus have family (sort of) nearby. Many others who live here do not have family nearby and manage to raise kids just fine. If you choose to exclude your families, it simply puts you on a level footing with those of us who have no family nearby. Who’s to say that most families’ support systems are better because they consist of actual blood relatives?

    Try shifting your perspective to see what you *will* offer kids. That is huge.

    Reply
    1. Krissy Gibbs Post author

      Re: An outsider’s opinion

      That’s a good point. I’ve never thought about the fact that most people have little family involvment due to distance.

      Reply
      1. cyclothemia

        Re: An outsider’s opinion

        Yeah, I agree- I’m doing better without having to deal with various toxic families, and I’m pleased that my lovers don’t have to meet the toxic parts of my family because of their distance. I don’t think it’ll be bad to not have their involvement. And I think the Families of Choice tend to be better anyway. ::hug::
        And you often blog about being broken. It makes me wonder if you tend to tell yourself that a lot, and reinforce the idea of being broken. I tend to think of myself, not as broken, but reconstructing. It puts a positive spin on it and focuses on the processes I’m going through to make my life better, instead of dwelling on where my life has been worse. It’s not instant, or even close. It’s like growing pains. ::hug::

        Reply
      2. dorjejaguar

        Re: An outsider’s opinion

        My sister has raised three kids with her husband without family help, and without an extensive chosen support network like the one you already have in place. She also did it with little or no education beyond high school, though her husband had a bit. One of them is now in college, another is graduating high school this month and the third is still in high school.
        She also home schooled them off and on throughout their childhood and adolescence. She’s still homeschooling the youngest, I believe.
        She’s not a supermom. She has plenty of her own issues and hurts. She just loves her kids very much and has always been dedicated to giving them that love and keeping them safe from the familial bullshit and abuse she and I had to deal with.
        They are some of the strongest, happiest, most alive young people I know.
        Their life has not been perfect nor have their parents been. I doubt they would be quite as strong if it had been.

        When you chose to have children you will be a wonderful mother.

        Reply
  5. tsgeisel

    With all the bad family experiences you’ve had, you’re in an excellent position to avoid the kind of things that happened during your childhood.

    I’m sure everyone with a broken childhood says that, but you’re being proactive in dealing with it; you’ll get through.

    And you won’t be alone in doing so, either. Noah is going to have some say in the raising of the child as well.

    You’ll be fine. Your potential child will be fine. I’d tell you not to worry, but we both know that’s irrational to say, so “Don’t worry so much.”

    Reply
  6. teamnoir

    *hug*

    Whatever else, you are loved.

    And you generally have a pretty good sex life. :).

    Breakage aside, those are some pretty damned fine features.

    Reply
  7. dorjejaguar

    Seems to me its the families we are talking about that are toxic.
    I can only think you wishing they were not and being honest about how they are is what is creating the conflict. Even if you weren’t openly honest about it the conflict would still be felt internally by you.
    You have a right not to see your mother in your space. It’s called boundaries. If you don’t use them when it feels appropriate then you won’t be taking care of yourself.
    You can not change your mother, your family of origin nor Noah’s family of origin. You can however have the family you want that you create. You can and do draw to you the people that are the kind of family you want.
    You are not defective. You are unwilling to live with the kind of toxicity that your family of origin seems to think is normal and that Noah’s family of origin (at least some of them) seems to think is normal. Thus the conflict.
    Some things are worth that conflict. Like saving your sanity.
    Anyway you don’t have to hang around these people.
    I used to say my relatives and I did not relate.
    That’s only partly true. Just depends on the individual in question. Each relationship (or lack of one) is different.
    I have to say though I still don’t want to see my mother.
    And certainly not in my space *shudder*.

    I see these conflicts in a couple ways. As an indication of your health that you are willing to protect your sanity and personal wellness. Your feelings about these conflicts tend to make me think also that you haven’t quite come to terms with the fact that your family of origin sucked, sucked ass, sucked bad. Perhaps all their blaming you succeeded in distracting you from that obvious fact. Nevertheless the greater part of you knows this and will defend your sanity and health.
    Thank you for that.
    As far as I can see these families and you don’t gel because you’re too well for them. And you like being well and won’t sacrifice your wellness.
    Now if you were willing to just let them go and let them be as sick as they want to be while defending your right to make sure that they were not inflicting that sickness on you, yours and your space there would be less conflicts.
    You don’t have to make them love you. That is not your job and it isn’t something you need.
    I doubt they even love themselves much. They haven’t learned how yet.
    It would have been nice to have the love you needed as a child, yes. But the past is what it is and we can’t change that, we can only change our orientation to it.
    Being that you did not get the love you needed and YES deserved, you have to love yourself. Having crappy parents means we have to parent ourselves.
    Does it serve you to engage with these sick people anymore?

    I love you.
    *SMOOOOOSH*

    Reply
      1. dorjejaguar

        You are soooo welcome.
        And yes, I know you are trying. That’s obvious. 🙂
        *SMOOOOOOSH*
        I’m really looking forward to seeing you.
        🙂
        Yay!

        Reply
  8. ex_loren_q

    I’m there with all the others on family of choice vs. family of origin, and I like my family of origin. I do hate that you feel you’re at fault thought.

    I am too much or too bad or too intense or too wrong or… too something

    Yeah, you are too something — and those of us who love you probably do because of that. Your intensity, spark, something does work.

    About the baby thing; I’m a dissenting voice and one that doesn’t need to be heard on your LJ.

    hang in there sweetie!

    love you

    Reply
    1. Krissy Gibbs Post author

      I appreciate that you didn’t voice dissent while I was in the middle of feeling shitty. The fact that you are either anti-kid or anti-me-having-kid is ok though. You don’t have to be for either on principle.

      Reply

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