Noah and I have been having conversations that are simultaneously terrifying and very exciting. Contemplating how different my life will be in a year no matter what means that thinking about adding on a huge additional change is… nervous making.
What in my life is going to actually last through the baby transition? How many of my “friends” are people I barely speak to now but they will disappear completely when I am kid-enabled? How many of the gatherings I attend will I be able to attend in a year? In three years? I noticed recently that even though an event I went to would be nominally ok with my kidlets attending, I wouldn’t want my kids there past about two because my kids don’t need to hear graphic conversations about anyone’s sex life. It really isn’t that I all of a sudden disapprove of people talking about their sex lives–more that I am thinking about context and who needs to hear that conversation. I wouldn’t be ok with demanding that my peeps all of a sudden sensor everything they want to say when my children walk into the room, but that means I have to self select out. What will be left?
Any and all poly/kink gatherings are going to be absolutely completely and totally inappropriate. Which also includes parties thrown by people I know through those communities and that seriously cuts back on the number of people I know in general. I’m not really involved in Dickens or Faire and I can’t picture that involvement ever becoming serious. I can’t go alone (no ditching Noah with the kids), I think dragging the kids along would be a nightmare by myself for the first five years or so and he doesn’t want to go so that’s not an option. Noah has uhm strong feelings about the dance community so I will never again be heavily involved in that. I’m not going to bother to go through why I won’t be heavily involved in the Burner community. What am I left with? A few individual people. Oh wait, and some of those individual people are not real into kids so they won’t want to spend time with me anyway. Right. Ok, let’s narrow down the few individual pro-kid friends I have. Busy, busier, and OMG busy. I am not procreating in a pro-kid peer group so this is going to be interesting. Some of the pro-kid people I know are thinking about moving away. That’s going to narrow the focus even more.
I know people who hand off the children so they can go have social lives. I have no intention of being one of them. Well, I’m sure I will hire a babysitter once in a while–but I intend for this to be pretty rare.
It’s just all so much to think about.
*soft smile*
I guess you spend more time with like minded parents?
You will go through changes. You will find folks you have things in common with. People will transition into and out of your life. The saying that people come into your life for a “reason, a season, or a lifetime” is true. I have about about half a dozen friends who have lasted through my multiple moves, transitions to kink, to dance, to family. They are the lifetime friends.
You now get to find our who your lifetime friends are 🙂
And you will have some new folks come into your life too. Folks that you will have things in common with – that’s how it works.
As far as dance, try contra dancing. All ages are welcome and it’s great fun. I went 15 years ago here in North Carolina. I recently started going back. Near you: http://www.bacds.org/series/
Can’t get you any “mom” advice, being child-free, but do admire that you have set goals, know what you want, and are living that dream.
Don’t worry about what you will lose, focus on what you will gain.
ch- ch- ch- changes…
In my 6+ months of experience:
– Dance and faire things have been child-friendly enough.
People *LOVE* it that we have a little one at PEERS and Gaskell, FNW, etc. The faire experiences have been more challenging – but Terpsichoros’s connections have helped to provide places to feed and change the baby that an ordinary faire-attendee wouldn’t have. We’re planning to work Dickens, and I’ll know a lot more about how that will all work in a few weeks.
When she starts walking, talking, etc. I may have different feelings about taking her along…
– People I met through alternative lifestyle stuff still talk to me, and yes, it’s true that I don’t feel like going to *those* parties these days. Maybe when Kidlet is older.
– Please invite yourself to spend time with us when you have your little one – or before you have your little one. Or let us know that invitations are welcome.
Not my own experience but things I’ve heard about:
– Some people structure parties so that they’re kid-friendly in the day and alternative-adults-only in the evening
– Some people develop babysitting co-ops, so parents can leave their kids with other trusted adults while they go out for date nights
*** I’m looking forward to meeting your kid and being your parent-buddy. ***
Re: ch- ch- ch- changes…
I’ve been to a few events that were kid-safe daytime, adult nighttime. They were a little weird, but not too bad. I think it’s doable, although it tends to attract primarily adult theme enjoying people who happen to have kids, so it may or may not be the people you’d like to be partying with.
Well, Nick and I love kids, and will happily spend time with you and Noah and the kiddo. And we don’t even live that far away! 🙂
MzT and I are very pro-kid, and we live close, too. We have no problem speaking appropropriately in front of them either.
I’m pro-kid to a point; I can’t handle being alone with crying babies (among other things). This is why I wouldn’t babysit my nieces, and why I dread the idea of being a single mom.
I’ll still
be your friend, and I like babies and little kids.
But I won’t change their diapers. Done with that.
Any and all poly/kink gatherings are going to be absolutely completely and totally inappropriate.
oh, come on. How many of those gatherings do they spend talking entirely about computers? That’s a kid-appropriate topic. (Even if it’s not a you-appropopriate topic.)
On the other hand, you’ve managed to find and make friends in each new group you’ve become a part of, so finding new peer groups which are more kid-oriented should yield a few more friends – ones which will be interested in hanging around with kids, and who will probably share your sensitivities about what can and can’t be discussed in front of kids.
Unfortunately, going to a munch or party and sort of hoping nobody brings up sex or kink is… let’s say optimistic. In a weird, almost pessimistic way 🙂
I think you’re missing a key group of people.
All of the people that I’ve known pre-kids who now have kids also inherited a new special interest group – namely, “people who have kids”. Between play dates, people you meet at the park, doctors’ office, or picking the kids up and dropping them off, you’ll find a new set of friends who are, by and large, essentially kid-safe.
Me, I’m just weird. One kid alone isn’t likely to be enough to scare me off.
if i *ever* write a book about having kids
the very first line will be:
“nothing will ever be the same.”
I was a kid who grew up around Faire (Both Ren and Dickens), and I have to say that sure, it made me the weird kid out in my public school…but i’s also a bunch of memories I wouldn’t change *for the world*. Yeah, the first couple of years of having a sprog is difficult for faire, but…offering them the chance to grow up in that kind of environment (where people who are different from the norm are okay, where being a Princess or a Knight fighting a dragon with a stick, neither gender specific, is advocated…) is something I think is valuable.
It certainly fostered my interests in literature and acting as well as historical costume and vintage dance. And the kids I met through faire were a lot more like the kinds of kids I would want mine exposed to. Sure, we watched cartoons and TV, but we also read books and made up imagination games, and learned responsibility, and got close.
And while I’m currently geographically distant, having a sprog is not going to make me any less your friend. I may not volunteer to change your baby, or feed it (you know, that would be kind of awkward 😉 ) but it’s not going to chase me off.