There are exactly six people on this filter. You are the women I trust to a)listen to me vent and not let it color your opinions overall b)give me advice when I ask for it and not when I don’t want it c)understand that mostly right now I am freaking out because I am pregnant and not because something is basically broken in my life.
Noah and I are fighting a lot about things we shouldn’t be fighting about. He has a lot of friendships based around him taking care of people. I have an incredibly hard time with this. I have an even harder time when those friendships involve him giving them money/buying them things. I’m angry because it feels like this is a threat to my long-term security. We have reached a more stable place on this front thanks to advice from Crystal–he now has a yearly budget on how much he can give away. He’s not thrilled that the amount is as low as it is, but oh well. It’s all that I feel comfortable with.
Today we got into it because he brought up a book he wants me to read. We need to buy a new copy because he loaned his copy to one of his ex’s and she got rid of it. This is the second book she has done this with. Ok, books aren’t that expensive but the actual monetary value isn’t the point. She doesn’t think about how her actuons will affect the people around her. She treats her husband like shit. She treated Noah like shit when they dated. What am I supposed to think about her? He has another friend he has been talking to more lately and what he has told me about her is even worse than the freakin ex. Why shouldn’t I think of these women as bitches? The problem is that he wants to bring them up and talk about them and I am supposed to be friendly and warm. I can’t do it. I’m hostile. But that isn’t ok.
I keep telling people off. Everything I have been thinking for years I am saying. I feel like I should just shut up and yet I can’t seem to keep my opinions to myself.
I’m feeling miserable all the time. I’m tired of feeling this way. I’m tired of whining and bitching and not going out. I want my body back. I’m tired of feeling pressured to have sex because if I don’t Noah is an asshole. I don’t know what to do right now. I feel so dead inside.
Oh honey, thank you for trusting us.
I wish I had an easy answer – You are doing what you are supposed to be doing, and it’s not going to last forever. It’s a blink of an eye in the bigger picture … there are so many things impacting this experience right now and there are problem solving suggestions for them too — but most importantly, let yourself have your emotion.
You’re the pregnant wife. It’s okay to insist that you be the priority right now. It’s OKAY to say, not tonight, not next week, not until I feel better. He’s going through this with you, not waiting on you to be done with it.
He loves you and he wants to please you. He’s just being a little dense. And it’s true, you don’t have to be tolerant of women who do shit like that. I’m the kind of wife that would send a pretty little card directly to the woman saying, “hey, I heard that you don’t have the book that Noah let you borrow and I’d like to read it. It’s on sale at Barnes & Noble and you’d be rockin’ if you get it to me by Christmas.
Warmly,
Krissy.
😉 Kill em’ with direct kindness and clear expectation.
Tell Noah that you need more patience, more pampering, and a minimal commentary on people that irritate you right now.
LOVES to you. It’s going to blow over. It’s going to get easier.
I don’t really know either of these women and neither of them talk to me. Even when Talia (the ex) was in our house she still didn’t actually talk to me, she talked to Noah and sort of waved her hand in my direction a few times to sorta include me.
I really don’t feel like he is going through this with me. I really feel alone.
It does not help, not really.
But a whole lot of your emotional reaction to very real irritants is exacerbated due to your physical state.
I am sure you don’t have any fucking time, but making room for you to have alone space, unstructured (go to a cafe for a tea, take a slow walk, sit on a park bench and read a book) might help.
Being honest and forthright is good, and important. But sometimes, you can thrash around in a painful space and do damage that then has to be undone.
You are in the process of changing EVERYTHING IN YOUR LIFE.
EVERYTHING.
Cut yourself and everyone around you a few feet of slack.
It is only going to become more cluttered, your life, because soon there will be another entire being to accommodate.
Think of this as a dry-tech for parenthood!
And just try to ride it out. You aren’t dead. You are just shedding an old life for a new one. That growth shit is stank, sometimes.
Love
Mo
Re: It does not help, not really.
It doesn’t feel like not-talking is an option and talking seems to cause as much harm as good. When I don’t talk he takes it as sulking and pushes.
I don’t feel like I have much time. I’m staying home today, but even that is with the knowledge that there are about 20 things I should do before a realtor comes this afternoon.
There are so may ways to approach your situation…
I think that I will sleep on it and have a morning chat with you…one sided of course.
You’re awesome…as I’ve said before.
what Mo said…
You are a hormonal incubator at the moment… expect huge mood swings. eh?
Ride it out. It won’t last. Think longer term: you really want to be a mom. This is part of paying your dues. But it passes. It really does.
repeat that frequently…
hope tomorrow is a better day 🙂
Yup. Hormones …..
Those damn hormones make huge messes. But not so bad that they cannot be fixed.
However, Being pregnant DOES actually give you a certain amount of primadonna rights. You get to demand certain things you cuold not ordinarily demand, like peeled and chilled grapes fed to you atop a mountain of silk pillows. I mean…. you may not get that, but the point is you get to demand it.
You get to say “I don’t want sex now – pls. K thnx. Bye.”
You get to eat loads of pie.
Mmm. Pie. pie is good.
And loads and loads of all kinds of self care. Especially when you start fantsizing ripping the heads off various people. Right now is not a time to rationally solve problems, methinks. Right now is a time to eat pie.
Call me if you need to bitch about stuff.
My fantasy revolves around hitting him in the face with a cast iron frying pan. The problem is that if I don’t try to solve these problems now then I have them constantly haunting my mind as he bitches for months and months. I don’t think that is a win.
Pie actually sounds good. Too bad I don’t have a car.
I would love to talk. I never know when is a good time to call.
So, in all honesty, I might not be the most perfect person to discuss this with you…
For all I can say in this moment is…At least you don’t have to contend with my husband-to-be…Selfish…and loathsome. Can’t even take a moment to consider compassion for his own family members. It’s fucking sad.
Anyway…that was just so you understand my state of mind.
There is a fine line between “You should always tell the truth but sometimes the truth should not be told”. Did he have to tell you that he loaned the book to the irresponsible ex? No, he could have just told you that he would find a copy for you. Do you have to be warm and fuzzy to this person? No, but you don’t have to approach her either. Things like this are his situations…not yours. When it starts to threaten your home, child, livelihood, or well-being…then it’s yours and his.
It’s great that you’ve set up a budget that can accommodate your need for safety and his need to be philanthropic. He really needs to understand that his future is going to change as much as yours…but see…that’s one thing I’ve resented about men, they don’t go through the physical, emotional, and economical changes that we do as birth mothers…therefore they are not as invested. This is not true of every man…and I have much hope that Noah will grasp the gravity of having a child…not only that, but that he will fall in love with this child as much as you may have already have.
I am confident that his priorities will change dramatically once this happens.
I think that Mo might have been suggesting that not saying things aloud to some people would be more prudent at this time than speaking your entire mind. Not everyone has the sophisticated palette that it takes to digest you. Wow, I feel very snotty saying that.
I admire your strive to learn and grow as a human being, you were not given the obvious tools to do so…which makes who you are that more special. Have patience with others around you…use your wise judgment…not your hair-trigger one.
Did I just put in an application to be a fortune cookie message writer?????
You might be smart to begin reading about post-partum depression now. I experience it…and wish that someone had mentioned earlier.
I think I might be failing in the girly-friend area right now….burp.
Loves you!!! And I do, very much miss you and think of you often.
“For all I can say in this moment is…At least you don’t have to contend with my husband-to-be…Selfish…and loathsome. Can’t even take a moment to consider compassion for his own family members. It’s fucking sad.” And you are marrying him… why?