I’ve had this thing come up more than once lately. And I’m thinking about it a lot. And it relates to sex in the midst of relating to a lot of other things. If the header of {dirty} isn’t enough to tip you off that this may not be safe for work, nothing will.
In the past couple of years I’ve gone out to a few bdsm events–not like I used to, but every so often. When I go I find that there are tons of people who want me to top them, no shock. The thing is, I don’t really like topping all that much. I can get a little bit of a kick out of it sometimes when I am in just the right mood, but I hit that mood maybe once or twice a year. That’s not much. Mostly I do topping like activities as acts of service because acts of service are what get me off. But the problem is, I don’t think I communicate that at all well and I’m not the kind of bottom who likes my acts of service to be unacknowledged. I don’t need to be adored constantly for them, but I do need it to be acknowledged that I did it. At this point I can count on my hands the number of people I have bottomed to other than Noah in the past three years. Three years. That includes that time *before* Noah and I were involved again. This is not a “pregnancy dry spell”. Know how many people ask me to top them? I can’t count that high. This is really interesting to me given that my primary scene self-identification isn’t top. Hell, I only reluctantly admit I switch.
I allow that some of this is that I am not a delicate trembling flower of submission. (Mo, I haven’t forgotten!) What I find hilarious is: I don’t think I have turned down anyone who has asked me to bottom. I’m wracking my brain, but I can’t come up with anyone. I could be forgetting; I don’t have a perfect memory.
This isn’t really the point of this post though. The point of this post is how bottoms treat me. People expect me to top them purely for my own enjoyment of the scene, which is a reasonable expectation I suppose, but I don’t get that enjoyment out of the scene. Usually what I feel immediately after a scene is a vague show off “Yeah I’ve got skills” because I know I am technically skilled and I appreciate the admiration I get for it and a profound sense of exhaustion. And in the days and weeks after a scene I generally feel like, “Ok, am I going to get anything in return?” If I’m really fucking lucky someone will give me a check-in email or respond to mine telling me they had fun. I always tell people that I had fun too because in the sense of being a show off in terms of hard won skill, I did have fun. Did I get off on any of it? No.
I think this would bother me less if people actually showed signs of wanting to be my friend after a scene and maintained contact with me. Then I would get more of the acts of service benefit out of it because I made my friend happy. I find this very rarely happens. I’ve tried pretty hard in a few of these situations to pursue a friendship with the bottom in question and it just doesn’t seem to pan out. I’ve been informed more than once that they would be happy to bottom to me again, but… that seems to be the extent of the interest. (This is of course not universal. Hi Matt!) I’m beginning to think I should go back to my old policy of “Unless we are very very good friends already I don’t want to top you.” I felt a lot less used then.
I was talking to Noah about this earlier and he made an observation that struck me pretty hard. It was thoroughly obvious to him, of course. I’m being treated like a guy. Wow. Being a guy must suck. I dearly hope I haven’t treated people like this, but I fear I have. I need to endeavor not to do this again if I have. I generally try pretty hard to maintain contact with my tops and integrate them as long-term friends even when they live far away. Maybe I’m just weird. Maybe I’m not meant for casual play.
I would call this a pregnancy hormone surge thing, but I’ve been feeling this way about topping for a long time. Maybe this is just a good time to stop ignoring the feelings?
I don’t often comment on entries like this, because I don’t feel like I have anything useful to contribute. But I’m glad you share your thoughts, and that I get to hear them.
My friend Honey has experienced much the same feelings, and makes sure that check in time for her is part of the negotiations. Her top drop can be serious, but I find that the idea that a top can and does need similar care and attention after a scene isn’t often discussed. I know it happens to me, when I’ve topped people. Something as simple as a check in email from the bottom can make a world of difference.
“I allow that some of this is that I am not a delicate trembling flower of submission.”
“I know I am technically skilled”
These are two reasons I’d be terrified to offer to top you. I am not technically skilled- I’m technically decent, but I’m afraid of screwing up. I did professional Domme work for a while to try and get more technically skilled so I felt better playing in public. While I did develop more skill, I still feel weird about public play- while I know I’m safe with what I do, I’m not fancy about it, and I guess I’m anxious about being judged. Probably part of why I tend to play at PE as a top instead of the Citadel, for example.
I don’t think your feelings mean you can’t do casual play, but I do think you should consider what you do an exchange, and put some sort of top care into your negotiations. Even something like a massage afterwards to go with the check in email might help?
The thing is: negotiating a massage or something like that is way the hell more topping than I am interested in. 🙂 I ask for check-ins, I just don’t always get them.
I’m having a sudden moment of panic at not remembering. A couple of years ago you and I fooled around with playing at Kinkfest. I can’t even remember quite what we did. I suspect we traded shots to the arms. I do remember that whatever we did was pretty casual. I also remember sitting on a bench with you, but I don’t remember if it was while we played or afterwards (or maybe beforehand, while we ogled passersby). But I do remember having a good time with you, hanging out and doing whatever play we did. I’d really like to think I expressed my appreciation at the time. Either way, I’ll say it now: I’m glad we got to hang out and fool around then. You’re someone I don’t know well. And you’re someone I’d like to get to know better.
You fall squarely into the “this is not a universal statement” camp. For all of the distance between us, we have built up a shakey little friendship. We aren’t ‘close’ but I think that what we have is noticeable considering how busy our lives are and how far apart we are. I like the level of feedback I get from you. 🙂
(Sitting on the bench cuddling was before AND after. 🙂
What said.
Also- speaking as someone who is not in this scene, and really has little interest in it- it’s really good to hear that there are people out there who have done this sort of thing, multiple times even, are skilled and perhaps acknowledged authorities, and can honestly say that they’ve done it, can do it, but don’t get off on it. I’ve had several people (including exes) ask me to play with them in top/bottom situations and not believe me when I say that it does nothing for me. So- thanks, good to know I’m not alone:)
Oh honey, don’t get me wrong–I get off on bottoming. 🙂 And I get off on serving someone and if that involves “topping” that can work out. It just has to be done in particular ways.
*laughs* Oh, I’m very aware of that! But here I have tangible proof, from someone who is not me, that “try it, you’ll like it!” isn’t always fact.
I *do* identify primarily as a top. And I long ago quit topping casually, for just this reason.
My standard thanks-but-no-thanks line goes something like “Thank you; I’m flattered. But I’ve found that it’s really damaging for me to top people with whom I don’t feel a strong connection. If you’re really interested in bottoming to me, then take the time to get to know me better first — we can do a meal or a movie or something, and if we find we have the chemistry, then we’ll discuss this again. But I’m sorry, I can’t top you without knowing you better.”
I can, of course, pull up whatever I need to top as part of a demo, but even for those I ask the group that’s bringing me in to choose my model on some rather specific criteria: responsiveness, ability to show what’s going on emotionally/sexually, and the ability to sexualize pain. Some of that’s for the audience’s sake, but most of it’s fo rmine.
PS. I’m pretty sure I’m the one who coined the phrase “life support system for a whip.” Nice to hear that it’s getting around.
Cool! I didn’t know who coined it, but it’s been a common expression for years and years. 🙂
Anecdote point
(Because data is the plural of anecdote.)
You have not treated me like that. Admittedly, circumstances are different – we knew each other somewhat before we started dating, but I’ve had other partners disappear on me, even when there had been some connection before we started to date.
Re: Anecdote point
Honestly, people tend to rarely ask me to bottom unless we have a really long-term relationship in advance or we are dating. 🙂 I can only count like two pick-up bottoming scenes in the past few years.
I’m glad I never treated you that way. I like you, love you, and respect you and I hope that shows. 🙂
I’m just beginning to explore this stuff, and this is interesting learn of. I think it would take a hell of a lot of self-confidence for anyone to ask to top you, so I can understand the ratio 🙂
I actually get the impression that many/most bottoms who have been in the scene in a long time get a degree of what I am talking about–people don’t ask experienced bottoms to play as often because they are more intimidating. It sucks (as a top) to know that any small mistake you make will be instantly recognized. It doesn’t seem to matter that the bottom may forgive you for them and not have a problem with it… people don’t want them to be seen. *shrug*
Yeah, I hope my new um-friend can be patient about that 🙂 I’m intrigued, excited, and intimidated as hell 🙂
::hugs:: Sounds like you’re doing some good thought around it, and that’s really what matters–that you check in with yourself and make sure you’re getting enough out of topping to continue doing it, and if not, what you would need to make that happen. Kudos.
I fear I may be a culprit here, although I’m not sure I ever bottomed to you in more than a casual, yanking-me-across-the-Citadel kind of way or perhaps in tandem. I was in a very strange headspace at the time. But if it’s the case, I want to offer apologies and huggles. I am so very glad that I know you=)
M’s attitude about the whole thing was more of a problem than yours. He expected me to be grateful for the opportunity to top you and that was… funny. You never asked or pushed so I don’t blame you in the situation. It was a messy period. I was also happier to top in that period (that was right around my breakup with Tom) because anything that got me closer to sex was really ok. 🙂
And the fact that after a long hiatus I haven’t gotten any impression whatsoever that you contacted me just to get me to top you helps. 🙂
Thanks, I appreciate that. I was pushing myself to be “more submissive” for the attention/validation/M’s approval, and when your head’s not 100% there, it’s hard to give the kind of appreciation and care that really should be there.
There’s a lot of apologies I’d like to offer for things that happened then. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to make one of them=)
And no, my desire to get back in touch with you has nothing to do with wanting you to top me. It has to do with wanting to know cool people better! ::hugs::
top after care
or why I now only play with people I already know.
You nailed it for me. I don’t need much, I have rarely suffered from top-drop, but I need to know I wasn’t just life support for a bunch of toys, etc.
Most of my play partners know some type of aftercare comes to me that happens pretty much after their aftercare. It could be pretty much anything, as long as it’s heartfelt.
I’m not altogether sure it’s just a “treated like a guy thing” cause I would get it from dykes too.
Re: top after care
“I’m not altogether sure it’s just a “treated like a guy thing” cause I would get it from dykes too.”
This doesn’t altogether disprove my point. I’m beginning to notice how many women have a sense of entitlement around bottoming/sex that I don’t see in men. It isn’t that men are perfect/ideal/wonderful beings, but they don’t have the same sense of entitlement that bothers me in women.
Re: top after care
Nope. Our bothersome senses of entitlement come in different flavors, by and large 🙂
I think this is a very critical thing to have thunked about. Because topping as service is a fraught fraught path to walk. Mostly because people are fucking flawed, and so any dynamic that takes you outside of your “core kink” is going to bring out your own flaws even more clearly, and in sharper relief.
I do not have anywhere near the problem of having people clamouring to play with me. Even when I was far more active than I am now, and was at parties every weekend, I very rarely was approached. SO, when I did finally work up the ovarian fortitude to ask someone to top me, I was pretty happy about that. I can understand that, in your situation, the frustration is doubled because you went outside of your preferred self-delineated corral to run and play. But to have the expectation that people will step up to the mike in the way that they should is, unfortunately, to set yourself up for disappointment. You have more than sufficient experience to know that MANY people are idjiits. And unfortunately, even your best behavior might not bring out theirs. And not nearly half a percentage of people in the world spend as much time as you do have sorting out their own piles of “Stuff” and can think clearly around the aforementioned mental haystacks. SO, you are ahead of the game and also hampered by Awareness & Good Manners.
Yay you!
Love
Mo
…oh, and I still think my boobs look goofy in breast bondage 😛
runs away giggling insanely
Topping as service worked much better when I was topping my Owner at his direction. 🙂
You would have more people clamoring to bottom to you if you were willing to top and you developed skill at it. I don’t think any bottoms are heavily sought out after the first year or two. 🙁
And I suppose you are entitled to any wrong opinion you want to have. 😛