So I called my mom and my sister this morning. They have both agreed that it is a good idea for the three of us to sit down with a conflict mediator and get through some of the elephants in the room. I’m more than a little surprised that they both agreed to it. My sister agreed with alacrity and cheer–that was even more shocking. We had a really nice half hour conversation around wanting to deal with stuff. My mom was less immediately interested, but still willing. This is so awesome.
Now I need to find a conflict mediator of some sort for the three of us to talk to. Does anyone have any idea how I would go about finding someone for this? A therapist would probably be decent as well, but I think that someone who is just there to say things like, “So it sounds like you are getting defensive and I don’t think that was meant as an attack” would be awesome. All three of us are oversensitive to feeling attacked and that is part of why things blow up so regularly.
Any suggestions?
I’ve used Gary Friedman in Mill Valley for mediation (he helped TXWSNBN and me) and was very impressed. However, I know him mostly as a legal-type mediator; I don’t know if he does family disputes or not.
There’s a woman in Kensington who was highly recommended on the Berkeley Parents Network website — can’t think of her name offhand but you’ll find it if you go there. I talked to her briefly about helping with this recent disagreement of mine, but her expertise was mostly in family disputes, so she might be worth checking out.
(You do know about the Berkeley Parents Network site, don’t you? If not, you should — it’s an amazing resource, even for those of us who are not actively parenting; for someone like you it would be golden.)
Thank you! I will go look. I’ve heard of it, but given that I am more of a South Bay person I haven’t ever looked at it much. 🙂
heh. my dad does that.
I have a doubt that you would want to see my dad.
I could ask him to recommend someone(s) though.
Yeah, given our friendship it may be a bad idea for me to try to use your dad. Asking him for recommendations would be awesome though. 🙂
That’s so awesome, I’m so happy for you! I think it’s very wise to use a mediator, and I’m glad everyone is open to it. It sounds like you will have great resources for someone who is recommended …
I have a good friend who also works in a distant department of my bureaucracy who has a Masters Degree in Conflict Resolution and did professional mediation for a long time. I have to say, she’s as much of an oddball as the rest of my good friends, and she is my FAVORITE person to have in a room with conflict. I did some community work with her years ago and she can diffuse icky flares like magic as far as I’m concerned.
if my crazy german gramma heidler was alive i’d suggest her.
but you’d have to like getting thumped on for her techniques to work.
the feeling attacked thing happens to lots of folks, y’know?
i used to get like that allatime, too.
now, i just mostly don’t give a shit.
‘course, that might not be the best thing, either….
good luck in your efforts.
Jezzie Fulman is a therapist who might be someone you would like. Her mobile is 415-820-1455, and her website is http://www.stepsideways.net.
There were a couple of things about Jezzie that worked extremely well for me. She is very smart, very direct, very low-bullshit, but also low key. She could be right in the meat of a discussion with me when I was angry or upset, and she would maintain a very solid, peaceful affect and work with me towards the goals that we had set. I liked that she was so unruffled by intense output, and could see emotions and work with them without allowing the process to be knocked off track by them.
🙂 I’m not sure if Jezzie would see me because I know her. It might be worth asking though.
Thanks!
That’s great, I hope it goes well. 🙂
I have a friend who’s an MFT (marriage & family therapy). I’ve never seen her professionally (and I’m fairly sure she wouldn’t take me as a client since I’m a friend), but I think she’s totally awesome and would want to see someone just like her if I was looking for a therapist. She’s very down to earth and no-nonsense, but also warm and caring. She’s a bit out of your way (Redwood City, I think), but I can send contact info if you’re interested. She might also be able to recommend someone else, if you explained what you’re looking for.
It occurs to me now that you’ve actually met her, though it was awhile ago. Vicki, from our gingerbread house making party. So maybe she wouldn’t accept you as a client either, but I thought I’d mention it.
Jesse
I’ve been looking for something constructive to say, along the lines of the info you’re requesting, but figured I’d just say yay in the meanwhile… that’s an amazing opportunity!
There’s a therapist who was tremendously helpful when we were having a tough time with one of our teenage kids. She is excellent with conflict resolution and parenting issues. She might be a good choice for you. http://www.traceygersten.com/
Ask your therapist for a referral?