I’m curious how people define sex. Or rather, what people think about specific sex acts. So I made a poll. (It’s the easiest way to get feedback cause ya’ll are lazy.) Some of the questions are radio, some are checkbox because on the radio ones I think you only get to pick one answer, damnit. I reference you “list” a bit not because I think everyone actually keeps a list of who they have sex with but more because if you were going to write down for posterity who you have had sex with, would this person make the cut? Feel free to elaborate in comments. 🙂
As sex is in the head as well as the body, all of the answers are kinda fuzzy.
I’ve watched a partner blow a tranny friend’s dildo that he was packin’, but I don’t think it was sex because of the attitudes — I think that at that very moment, the dildo was just a prop (rather than the tranny’s dick) and my partner was just doing a comic routine for the party we were at. But I’m not sure, as I never asked either of them.
By that same token… does sex done between two porn stars count as sex? They aren’t really doing it for their own benefit, they are doing it as a job.
See, this is why you keep separate lists!
You crack me up.
(My excel spreadsheet used to have columns I would mark to keep track of what actual acts we did.)
You know, that would’ve been smart to make, actually.
Not that it’d be particularly long or involved, I’m just saying, it appeals to my OCD side.
I tried but the lists got fuzzy with each other. Maybe lists have sex too.
Also I found the distinction of whether I was in love with or in a relationship with the person when we had sex, vs. not, is much more meaningful to me than distinctions like oral vs. intercourse vs. both. Even though I’ve never considered in love vs. not to be part of the definition of whether something is or is not sex.
I think I tend to put someone on my list more if fluid was exchanged, but my list is more of a risk-aware form/contact form than an “aware of who I’ve been sexually active with” form, if that makes sense?
I also tend to consider it sex if we’ve decided it counts as sex. Getting off tends to be a big part of what ends up classified that way.
Started to answer and couldn’t. In my world, sex isn’t binary. Everything is a little bit sex; penetrative intercourse is a little bit not-sex.
I always find it a little boggling when people ask me how many folks I’ve had sex with. To me, thinking and writing about sex are sex, so if you count how many folks have read my writing about sex… oh, a couple hundred thousand.
Fair enough. 🙂 Diversity is good.
Like, “how many friends do you have?”
Or, “how many people have you dated? / are you dating?” which feels to me a lot like the “how many friends” question.
I think I have two separate lists depending on context. There’s the emotional/whatever list and the risk list.
Generally, my definition of “sex” is pretty darn wide. But more than different sex acts, my question would be: did it feel like sex? For example, I can imagine a bondage scene with no “sexual” contact “counting” if the top is constantly referring to sexual arousal and the lack of contact is part of the play. I would think of that person as a sexual partner. If there’s a combination of lust and acts, I’d generally call that sex.
On the other hand, while I would not do this again, I’ve done scenes where I performed (protected) oral or manual sex with someone that I didn’t know/didn’t have a connection with or someone outside the scene was invited to use a toy or something of that nature. If I didn’t know them before and didn’t make a connection with them during or after, I probably wouldn’t “count” that person. For me, “having sex” is a combination of acts and headspace–you need both to really do the proverbial horizontal tango=)
The second list is the risk-awareness list, and that is just be hard and cold ranked by the riskiness of the acts involved. Viruses/etc don’t really care what you were thinking.
For me, if it involves bits (even fake bits) and/or if one or more partners want to get off, it’s sex.
Thinking about what constitutes sex, and what is “merely” foreplay, and what isn’t sex at all, while I can see that there are fuzzy boundaries, I can only think of one case where I’ve ended up proceeding from foreplay to boundary activities but not to something I’d consider sex.
So – if you ask me “have you and X had sex”, there’s only one person that the answer is somewhat fuzzy (though I’m inclined to answer “yes”). If you ask “did you and X have sex on Y night” there are many more occasions where the answer is fuzzy.
Incidentally, for me, the boundary between “not sexual” and “foreplay” is rather more fuzzy than the boundary between foreplay and sex. Dancing often falls on that borderline.
*grin* Thus why I dated you. Still my favorite dance partner ever.
If I may ask, what is the difference between “Doesn’t count as sex by itself” and “Might if it also included some other act”?
If it must “include some other act” to count, then it obviously does not count “by itself.” The two would seem to be functionally expressing the same proposition.
Well, I know people who will go down the list of sex acts and include finger fucking if they do other things but other people who consider finger fucking foreplay and ‘not sex’. Does that make sense?
The only way that really resolves my question is if someone might consider neither fingering nor a blowjob to be sex, but if they do both, it suddenly becomes sex. That seems absolutely batty, but I suppose if people have said it, you have to consider it as an option.
My answer to the root question “What does sex mean?” is probably going to be a bit offensive to most people here for one reason or another.
As far as I am concerned, if an act is done which, without any prophylactic measures, could reasonably result in pregnancy if it were done at the appropriate time, it’s sex. Anything else is just fucking around, messing around, having fun, making out, whatever you want to call it. The purpose of sex is to procreate. If what you’re doing doesn’t have at least a pragmatic chance of causing conception, you’re not having sex.
Okay… so, I’ve orgasmed from being spanked (on the ass only), while I’ve been fully dressed. Is that sex?
Sexual anthropologists consider sex to be “any activity that is intended to lead to orgasm.”
Then there’s the phrase “To have sex/we had sex,” or however you want to parse that, which implies some kind of penetration.
But, there are acts that don’t necessarily have to have penetration that are sexual. Oral is a sexual act, but is not by (my) definition included in “we had sex.” It can be a part of sex, but is not “sex” by itself. But that’s all semantics, really.
I’ll stick with the anthropologists definition and leave the rest to Grammar Nazis.
The only main area if disagreement between me and my sweetie is what constitutes sex. To my surprise he has a very heteronormative view of sex. But I have broken him a down systematically by saying …” So…. by your definition I haven’t had sex with any women at all because neither of us possesses a penis.”
and he gets all sheepish. I love making him squirm.
but what is “is”…
I’m really fuzzy on this as well. For me sex isn’t a set of acts, it’s more about the connection, the energy. Most of time there is orgasm involved, but not always (that’s rare but it does happen).
I could be fisting someone and it’s fun and stimulating, but it’s not sex. Now, my fist in my boi is absolutely sex.
It’s like art, I can’t define it, but I know what it is when I see/smell/feel it.
um….
“cause ya’ll are lazy”
isn’t usually considered correct since “ya’ll” is typically singular.
“all ya’ll” is more plural
and hence
sexier.
y’know…
i was thinking about this…
anybody moving to western PeeAy needs to master “y’uns.”
y’uns goin dahntahn?
(are you (singular/many) going downtown?)
be the y’uns.
I can’t really answer as is. It would simply be too misleading.
The definition of sex I’ve put together over the years is as follows. Most people use at least one of three tests to determine if something is sex.
1) activities in pursuit of orgasm. Orgasm may or may not be involved. Genitals may or may not be involved.
2) activities involving genitals. May or may not involve orgasm. Ass may or may not qualify as a genital.
3) particularly intimate physical activity. May or may not involve genitals. may or may not involve pursuit of orgasm or orgasm.
There’s another definition in use in the US and that’s the “lose your virginity” definition. Many people view this one as only including PIV sex as evidenced by certain past presidents.
My own personal definition is kinda strange. I have an intellectual definition which follows the above. I have an emotional definition which involves at least one person’s orgasm and at least one person’s genitals. However, I don’t think of it as being complete until it’s invovled all participants’ genitals and all participants’ orgasms.
I know this is strange, but if someone gets me off with their hand, and that’s all we’ve done sexually, then I think of us as being in a sort of grey zone. However, if I’ve also gotten them off with my hand, even if it’s at a completely different time, then the pair of events puts the person on my list.
I have kept an actual list. (Not sure where it is right now and I’m sure it’s not current.) I’m also pretty certain that I’ve probably forgotten some people who were in the grey area. I mean, with some kinds of play, it’s not even clear whether someone has orgasmed or not. What looks to me like a form of orgasm may or may not be described that way by my partner.
Orgasm alone doesn’t qualify because I just know too many people who can orgasm from very little like voices, good cup of tea, etc. At that level it’s not even clear whether two people were involved.
Genitals alone aren’t sufficient, imo. I’ve done pelvic massages, examinations, healings, demos, etc, which really weren’t sex or sexy. They were educational, perhaps spiritual, maybe even transcendent, but “sex” wasn’t really on our minds nor part of the goal.
Oh, and oral is such a small part of my experience that I don’t really even think about it. I can think of exactly one partner with whom that was the first or only thing we ever did. And I think of that person as being in the grey area.
Ps, open mouth activities, hand in mouth, deep kissing, etc, all seem to me to be “in that arena” if not actual sex. I have had hand-in-mouth, deeply physically intimate interactions with people before and I’d put those in the gray area by themselves.
There’s an attitude in some portions of US culture that oral whatever doesn’t count as sex. To the point that felatio from a guy doesn’t qualify as homosexual activity. Or that it doesn’t count if the guy giving is younger or effeminate or being dominated. I haven’t quite figured out how those rules work and they definitely aren’t part of my personal visceral definition.