Monthly Archives: April 2008

Dear Universe

We have this list of things that needs to get done. It could all easily get done in a weekend or two if I was able to do it myself. If several people came over and helped Noah (because I can’t do basically any of it right now) it could probably get done in a few hours. Asking for help is hard. Really hard. But people keep telling me that there are actually people out there who would help me if I let them, so here I go.

These are the things that are driving me absolutely batshit because I can’t do them:
Get rid of garbage out of shed
Move empty boxes into shed (Anyone need boxes?)
Rearrange garage
Go get boxes out of storage and stop freaking paying for something that turned out to be a bad idea
Buy and set up furniture (bookshelves)
Unpack boxes from storage

Given how close we are to running out of time probably next weekend would be best. We would quite cheerfully provide food and alcohol and games to play afterwards. If people agreed in advance we could probably even fill and turn on the hot tub so people can soak after working hard.

So uhm, would uhm anyone be willing to come help?

Stolen meme

What we have here is the top 106 books most often marked as “unread” by LibraryThing’s users. As in, they sit on the shelf to make you look smart or well-rounded. Bold the ones you’ve read, underline the ones you read for school, italicize the ones you started but didn’t finish.

Here’s the twist: add (*) beside the ones you liked and would (or did) read again or recommend. Even if you read ’em for school in the first place. I’m also going to add (**) to books that I do actually want to read but I haven’t had time to read yet due to time crunches.

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They are all liars.

All those people who tell me that salad is good for me? Liars. Liars. Liars. When I eat salad my stomach hurts. I feel really hungry still even though there is no more room in my stomach for food matter. Salad = bad. Hate salad.

See picture? That is what I should eat. That doesn’t make my tummy hurt.

Full of fail.

I just can’t get my head going to write these papers. I know I need to. I know that the earlier I do it the better because who knows when the Lizard will be arriving. I just can’t find focus. I’ve done the research. I’ve done more fucking research (as a procrastinating method) than I have done on any paper ever. I just cn’t figure out how to say what I want to say. I write so much better when I’m under pressure and that is terrible of me. 🙁

This is why I didn’t come down on students too hard for last minute papers unless they were obviously bad. If you can write well at the last minute, go you. If you can’t then you need the lead time for planning and editing. Me, I write best at the last minute. But it increases my stress way more than is good. Erf. Fuck it. I’m taking a bath.

The thing about having a lot of free time is

I get to think about things a lot. In the past week theferrett wrote about the Open Source Boob Project. I will confess that I am not completely done with all the comments (dude–there are 1300+ of them…) but I’m a fair way into them. And I’m having a lot of thoughts about it. I think I am starting to bore Noah, so I’ll share with lj instead.

I will even cut it because it got long and I don’t want capnkjb to get mad at me. 🙂

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Just another day in paradise.

So I’ve been feeling boring lately because all I write about is complaining about boredom. So I’ve been thinking about things.

This is what it feels like to have everything I always wanted. I have the best husband ever in the history of the world. He is supportive, communicative, willing to do anything I ask, and he’s the best sex partner I’ve ever had. That’s not a combination I thought existed. I win.

I’ve wanted to have a baby for a long time. Ok, so I haven’t had the easiest pregnancy in the history of the world–but by and large it’s not so bad. I’ve actually been aware of the bedrest risk since before I got pregnant. I have Menieres and it’s super common to end up on bedrest. It gets increasingly common as you get older which is why I needed to start having babies fairly young. (I don’t actually think that my preterm labor was related to the Menieres, but the risk was present for me anyway so I’m not as shocked as I could be.) And for all that my pregnancy isn’t the easiest it hasn’t actually been that hard. Given the prize I have at the end of the journey it’s been worth absolutely all the difficulty.

I may not live in the house of my absolute dreams, but I live in a comfortable house. We own this house and can afford the mortgage. We have all the financial safety I ever frantically aspired to. Sure, as soon as my ability to eat settles down we need to go back to cooking and stop eating out all the time, but I won’t want to go out with a baby anyway. 🙂 For now I am getting to eat out as much as my poverty-stricken-inner-little-girl wants to. This is cool.

I have amazing friends. They are supportive and awesome. When I put up a message asking to borrow DVDs within 24 hours I had more than 50 of them delivered to my house. If I were up for being social I could see people seven days a week and have good quality time with each person if I wanted. That’s really amazing to me.

So yeah. I’m happy. My life is really great. Yeah, I get angsty sometimes but that’s becoming a lower a lower percentage of my time because when I stop to think about what I have I am blown away by how awesome my life is.

And now I go snuggle my Noah.

State of the Lizard

So as might be guessed by my low weight gain–I don’t have an extremely large kid. At this point the kid is pretty certainly under 6 lbs and is probably closer to 5 lbs. (Guessing these things is really just a guess–but midwives are generally within 1/2 a lb, which is better than stupid ultrasounds.) I have two due dates because the standard due date is based on your LMP (date of your last period) and assumes a 28 day cycle. I don’t have a 28 day cycle. The ultrasound due date is 9 days later than the LMP due date. It’s looking like the ultrasound due date is probably more accurate which means that honestly I shouldn’t try to give birth at home until May 4th. That’s another twelve days. 🙁 If the Lizard was really large the midwife would be fine with anytime after this Saturday, but the Lizard really isn’t that large. For a variety of reasons it is best if the baby is over 6 lbs for a home birth. (Much lower likely need of interventions.) In normal pregnancy by this point the fetus is gaining around 1/2 a pound per week. This means that I really do probably need another two weeks of growth so that the Lizard can be more than 6 lbs.

This means I need to suck it up and get used to bedrest for at least 12 more days. Given the size of the kid sucking it up and being mostly on bedrest longer than that is a good idea. She’s happy that I have been mostly good so far but told me that the flu-like symptoms I have when I push things are pretty common during early labor so I am probably pushing things a little too hard. Damnit.

At this point my uterus has hit my ribs; it’s a little bit annoying but not too bad. This means that the rest of the growth is going to be straight out. All the people who have excitedly told me how huge I am and that I look like I’m about to pop are going to have a field day.

Wow did I hit done with bed rest today. I’ve been up and about too much. Luckily I haven’t had a problem yet. I should stop before I do.

But uhhh some of the cupboards in my kitchen are now much more organized. It was the only thing I could think of to do while sitting relatively still and not lifting anything heavy.

And I’ve folded a freakload of laundry. I no longer have this amusing image in my head of my kid being naked for the whole first week of life. 🙂

I need a house boy/girl for a while. Then I could sit in one place and direct. Then I wouldn’t be driving Noah nuts. Have I mentioned that I love and worship my husband? Have I mentioned that he is the best thing ever? He is so patient and helpful and awesome. But I’m really overwhelming him right now. I need to chill out.

Doesn’t help that I’m not sleeping well right now. The past few nights have involved a lot of nightmares. So I’m all weird and buggy anyway. This too shall pass.

Not my favorite day ever.

I’ve been having contractions since last night. Not “Oh look, my abdomen is strangely tight” contractions, but rather grab Noah and complete the cycle of pain as I screech out in pain contractions. This is less exciting than it could be because it’s too soon. And it’s too soon so I’m scared and freaking out and that makes it hurt more. Awesome.

I went and saw an acupuncturist today. My midwife came up. I’m not dilated by my cervix has softened in a way that usually indicates–hey! Here comes a baby! I’m up to 22 pills a day with all of the different herbal stuff I’m taking to try and stop the contractions.

I’m on bed rest for certain until the contractions stop and probably for a lot longer than that. No more lifting *anything*. No exercise of any kind. Of course no sex. No spicy food. No excitement.

I’m probably going to be less responsive on IM and no I don’t really want to go into all the details over and over.

{dirtier} An overshare, because I can.

A while ago I squeed about making Noah come with oral.

I didn’t mention a couple weeks when I did it again. But last night I did it again. This means that I have now made him come from oral more times than anyone else!!! I’m number one! I’m number one! *cough*

This wouldn’t be such a big deal if he didn’t announce that he is one of those “Doesn’t come from oral” guys except in freak occurrences. I think it is fairly safe to say that I have figured out the knack. Awesome. It’s actually getting easier because I have indeed figured out the trick to it. 🙂

Have I mentioned that I’m excited that as most of sex is much harder and more difficult I’m massively grateful that something is working better than normal?

{insecurity} Non-monogamy

Attention! This is my shit! I’m not blaming this on anyone else! That said…

I showed up in the bdsm community almost 9 years ago. In that time I have been mostly monogamous (I still think that “girls don’t count” is not the same thing as monogamy), monogamous for a brief period under duress, polyamorous, and slutty. Even during the monogamous period play with other people was never completely forbidden. It was limited, but it happened anyway. Throughout basically all of this period knowing that my partner wanted to have sex and/or play with other people has been really really awful for me. If I added up all the time I have spent crying and feeling like I am not enough I would probably be able to point at months and months of my life that I can’t get back. Why? Why do I keep doing this?

I have always felt that if you are going to be part of “the scene” then that entails certain behaviors: namely, that you aren’t really actually completely monogamous. I’m not sure I have ever known a couple who really and truly had no contact with other people. Maybe my memory is being fuzzy. I know a lot of “mostly monogamous” or “polyplayful” people, but that is still allowing a lot of fuzzy borders. The fuzzy borders are really hard for me.

At this point I have reached the conclusion that I continue to play with other people and engage in that kind of contact because that is one of the primary ways I get people to like me. I kind of wonder if part of the reason I have “phased out” as a bottom in the view of most of the community is because I’m not an easy bottom to play with so I assume people don’t want to bother with me and I don’t ask. It’s really easy to stay popular and liked if you are a good top though, and I am. I feel like I do a lot of it because I want people to like me. That may actually be why I’m ok telling guys that I don’t want to top them and not girls. I’m more confident that guys will like me anyway without me having to do as much for them but girls seem like I have to earn their liking me.

I’ve always liked fantasizing about doing things with lots of people. It’s a mainstay of my masturbatory life (ha! There’s TMI for you.) but when I actually do it I don’t tend to get as much out of it. When I am single and playing with lots of people I believe that I end up with a mostly neutral reaction after playing–it’s fun, but there isn’t much that impacts me positively or negatively long-term. When I’m in a relationship I feel massive guilt and ambivalence for a while to come. Opening up my relationship with Tom to include sex with other people was really hard for me. At that point I think the increased amount of sex was something that was a beneficial thing because I desperately needed that chemical fix, but I felt guilty. I felt like I was betraying him. I think the fact that we had frankly discussed before that point that the relationship wasn’t likely to be “forever” was the only reason I could do it. I was already starting to pull away from him and from the relationship. I still don’t know if that was really a good thing to do or not, but I really wasn’t ready to just walk away that early. Seeing as the last six months were actually pretty good overall I feel like I didn’t do anything too awful. I don’t know if he agrees or not and he probably won’t tell me. 🙂

But anyway. So I like to think about doing things with other people–that doesn’t lead to guilt or feeling bad. But when I actually follow through I tend to feel varying degrees of bad. I played with two different women at TNGcon. One of them did a little bit of decorative bondage on me–that wasn’t too bad for lingering guilt. It was mellow and emotionally distant so I didn’t internalize much. With the other chica I tied her to a chair and was fully intending on just punching/hitting her but she made it very clear she wanted sexual play. So I ended up fisting her. I’ve had a hard time with that. I’m not angry with her or blaming her or saying anything bad about her. I’ve had a hard time with knowing that I did that. I’ve struggled with whether it counts as sex given that I didn’t really want to have sex with her. I did it because she wanted me to and not really because that was something I was jonesing for doing.

But I came home and bragged about it. I know. On one hand I was glad that I got to feel like someone wanted me and I really like the feeling that someone wants me. I don’t get that same kind of “oooooh he/she likes me!” from a steady partner. But I also have felt pretty uncomfortable with having done it. Longer term I’ve realized it was a bad decision. I have tried so hard for so long to maintain my identity of being a sexual outlaw that I think I do things just to maintain that identity that I don’t actually want to do. It is important to me to be the kind of person who does outrageous things so I don’t pay attention to how I feel when I do them. Cause you know what–I tend to feel like crap. I don’t talk about that part much though. I rarely even do a good job of identifying to myself what I’m feeling. But it’s there.

Then we get to my partners playing with other people. I can’t count the number of nights I have sobbed through when Tom or Noah have been out with other people. Hell, there were a few dates where I was off with Erik for the weekend and Noah was on a date when I would sneak off to the bathroom and cry because Noah was on a date and that made me feel awful. How is that for lame? (This isn’t to say that my relationship with Erik wasn’t good–it was. I’m glad I dated him. I’m even more glad we are friends now. He’s a great guy.) But I massively do that “primary” bonding thing. I have never really been able to split loyalties well. Whoever I’m ‘with’ as my primary is the one I am focused on. I have tried pretty hard to split that and I suck at it. I feel bad. I feel like I am hurting everyone involved even when they are all pretty cheerful about the split. (I don’t think it would have been possible to date two guys at once who are more mellow than Noah and Erik and have them still have a pulse.) Does this mean that I have never loved more than one person at a time? No. I certainly have, but I don’t split focus well without feeling horrible and terrible about it. There is at least one person out there in the cosmos who I love pretty madly but I’ve never really been able to make a relationship work there and I’ve given up trying. It’s ok. The friendship is still good.

I don’t know how to not feel terrible about my partners playing with other people. This has been an issue with Tom, Noah, James, and Puppy. Much less of an issue with James or Puppy–but there were still bad spells with them. This play can be but doesn’t have to be sexual. I mean, Tom usually tied people up with all their clothes on and never even kissed them–I still felt awful. He wasn’t doing anything threatening to our relationship in the slightest and he was certainly not breaking rules. Noah has done everything possible to earn my trust and I still feel like him going off with other people for platonic bondage practice is hugely invalidating to me and our relationship. (This is complicated by my own body limitations and issues at the moment.) I’ve given him permission to do it though. I encouraged it. I even suggested it. Why? Because that is “what I should do.” I’m big on doing what I should do even when I hate it and it makes me feel like shit.

Despite the fact that I am “not a real masochist” I think I like doing the things I “should do” that will make me feel terrible. The fact that I feel so bad about doing the things I think I should do validates my overall shitty opinion of myself. I shouldn’t be so upset. I shouldn’t feel possessive. I shouldn’t feel jealous. But I am. And I do. And I do. So I sit and I cry. And I don’t place many limits on my partners even though I would kind of like to. I feel like if I issue an ultimatum then I deserve to lose. If my partners wanted me enough, if I were enough, then they just wouldn’t want to go play with other people. Then I wouldn’t have to place limits. But I’m not enough and I have to accept that. And part of how I accept that is pretending that it’s all fine and I want to go play with other people too.

But I think I should stop. Other than in the realm of fantasy I don’t really want to play with other people. I feel bad about myself when I do. It’s time to be nicer to me and stop pushing me to do this.

Noah, after listening to me talk about some of this came to the conclusion that he should stop playing with other people. The problem is, now I feel like he is doing it under some sort of duress. I feel like he would really like to still do it. He’s pretty clear that being with me is much more important than any amount of play with other people, but I still don’t believe it. I’m scared. I’m scared to trust him that he is doing what he wants. I’m scared that if I do start to trust this and believe in it then down the road he will change his mind and that will hurt so much. If I hold on to the distrust now then I won’t be hurt as much later if he decides he does want it. Then I will get to be proven right that I should have shitty self-esteem because see–I’m not enough.

I don’t know how to win on this one.

bits and pieces

-I’m tired. I’m always tired. But it’s nap time now and instead of curling up for my (almost) daily nap I have to go get in the (rental) car and drive to school. Does anyone else see why this is bad? I’m in class until 9:45 tonight. Then I get to drive home. No really. Does anyone else see why this is bad? Considering that I am driving a rental car cause I rear ended someone while falling asleep? Awesome.

-For some reason LJ isn’t showing me icons. Not mine, not anyone else’s and I don’t know why.

-The continued evolution of sex during pregnancy is confusing and difficult and complicated by a few very specific things right now. I really wish I could feel more secure right now.

-I messed up giving Puff her medicine this morning. 🙁 I was overzealous and I managed to push the medicine out harder and faster than is good and I think I sent it “down the wrong pipe.” She struggled to get away after that and was pretty miserable as she kind of coughed/sneezed for a while. I feel bad.

-I’m overall not feeling very intellectually with-it right now. Although, I have to say, despite feeling like I am walking in a foggy haze I like Derrida. He’s a snotty French Deconstructionist. Now I have a name for the pedantic over-analyzing that I like to do! Yay! You can’t take things at face value because language is inherently flawed. This rocks my socks off.

-Including today I have six days of class left. That’s it. Period. That’s the end of my classes for my degree. That’s pretty intense. Of course, I still need to pass the comp exam and the language test. I’ll worry about that later.

-Still feeling kind of sad and withdrawn. I’m sorry I don’t have more to give anyone.

-My therapist should be calling in the next day or two to schedule an appointment. Have I mentioned that I’ve missed her?

-Freaked out about selling the house now. I don’t know how I really feel about the possibility of not moving any year soon because we missed the housing market bubble. It isn’t worth it to sell our house at a really low price. It will mean staying for a while, maybe quite a while. I was really adjusted to the idea of leaving so now I don’t know how to reconcile staying. There are good things about staying, but in my head I was already half gone…

{dirty} For the folks who were bitching about TNG con.

This came out on the Center for Sex and Culture’s mailing list.

*Sunday evening, 5/4, 7 pm — LAURA ANTONIOU presents THE REVENGE OF THE MIDDLE AGED GUARD

You’ve been there; you’ve done that. So why do things seem so much more complicated now? If you remember when “my space” meant where you took a hot date after dinner, links were for chains and poly was followed by “ester” you may be feeling your age a bit. Laura sure is; her bed time bears a suspicious resemblance to the time she used to go out to SM clubs. This round table is designed for those who aren’t ready for old fart status and aren’t sure if they’re want to be added to a Facebook friends list, either. Limited kvetching allowed, but more designed to discuss what our experiences have taught us and what we want to do to enhance our personal and community relations. No one under 32 allowed! Go to a dang TNG meeting or have a mocha soy latte with a shot of mango and text your BFF on how unfair the world is.

See Laura’s bio with her 4/29 class listing.

At the Center for Sex & Culture, 1519 Mission near 11th — look for the pink awning.
CSC can take checks and credit cards (Visa, MC and Discover). Pre-register at (415) 255-1155 or mail@sexandculture.org

Links and Puff

Shoved together because I feel like sharing and such and multiple posts that are short aren’t necessary.

Puff (my ten year old rescued feral cat–I rescued her from a rain storm when she was about three weeks old) had to have teeth extracted yesterday. Her gums were really infected and the whole situation was just not pretty. 🙁 She normally cries the whole time she is in the car and on the way home from the vet I just couldn’t bear to hear her cry in the carrier so I took her out and held her in my lap. That was a good decision because she looked around a lot but didn’t cry or squirm or anything. She’s been pretty clingy and lovey since she got home. She had been really clingy and lovey before the extraction so I think she does need/want love and support while in pain which is unusual for a cat. What I’m finding particularly amusing is that we are up to the third time for giving her medication already (pain meds and an antibiotic). She came right up to me the third time when I got out the medicine stuff. She isn’t squirming much past not wanting to open her mouth. (It might still be sore enough that she just doesn’t really want to open it.) She is not resisting physically at all. I wonder if my cat is enjoying those pain meds a wee bit more than she ought? 🙂 Nah. Go her. 🙂

Random links I have found recently that I have been reading and thinking about:
http://www.brafree.org
http://www.antiracistparent.com

Welcome

Worth mentioning

Lately I am sucking ass at responding to people or giving them feedback/attention. Many of my friends could really use some feedback and/or attention right now and I’m just unable to give it. I feel like I am being terrible and selfish but there’s just not much there to give. I’m only responding to emails if I can do it in one line. I was super social for a little over a week and now I’m not making more plans because people need actual attention.

I’m sleeping all day and then I’m still tired enough to rear end someone at 5pm. Those long blinks are a serious problem. (Insert swear words of choice here.)

I need to pull out of this depression jag soon.